Thanks! I have responded below in bold.

Quote Originally Posted by Jeff_L View Post
Michael Anthony,


Nice job. You set the scene well. We’re out in the country, and a superhero is about to be born. I like the Alien’s motivation to pass the torch, or star, as it may be. And Michael must protect his people with his new powers; if he stays reluctant, they’ll perish. (Which doesn’t mean he shouldn’t be reluctant at first.)

One thing I’m not sure about is how old Michael is. He’s a young man, with trophies still on display. So is he still in high school? Why is he alone at home? I’m curious.

I wanted to be vague about his age. I find that when you let people fill in the blanks that they pick an age that suits them. He is obviously a young man as described. Not a boy. If I had to label him I would say 19 or 20.

I don’t need his voice over or telescope at the beginning. I’d rather see him doing something else that gives us more information about who this guy is. What else could he be doing? It could be something with his dog, his car, his phone, whatever… What and/ or whom else is he in to?

I do like the fact that you gave us his trophies as a physical reflection of who he is. (If, in a rewrite, you make him something other than a jock, give us some other character objects in lieu of the trophies.)

I think the basic story is good. It definitely feels like the beginning of a larger story. But it takes a while to grab me. My interest picks up when the Alien reveals himself as a benevolent being who has come to pass on a super power. So... can you spice up the outside action a little and/or get inside sooner? (One thing I did like outside, was the Alien shooting up 50ft, then sort of stumbling to his knee on landing. That was fresh.)

Thanks!



Like other readers, I could bear losing the Alien in his spaceship scene. You reveal the Alien’s character later, with Michael in the room.

Some like it, some do not. That could very well end up on the cutting room floor for sure. I like it though. I wanted to let the reader in on what was about to happen.

You could also get the flow moving with some editing of your action/description paragraphs. Try taking out unnecessary adjectives and adverbs, using more specific verbs, getting rid of redundancies, shortening/fragmenting sentences, and using other prose techniques to up the pace.

I do think that you need to describe the chase in the woods scene. It should be exciting for the reader to read, regardless of whether it has dialogue. And it’ll help you, or whomever you work with, time and budget your script. Of course your director can re-stage the chase, but until he/she does, give the reader something exciting to watch in their mind’s eye. Something they haven't seen before, based on goals and obstacles, successes and setbacks.

I agree.

On a niggly technical note, you’ve got a few formatting errors. As mentioned by another ScriptFester, typing ALIEN in a character cue and then following it with an action paragraph can confuse a reader who is expecting industry standard format.

A couple of problematic sluglines:

EXT. HOUSE. NIGHT. BACKYARD.

Should be

EXT. HOUSE - BACKYARD - NIGHT

(go from EXT. or INT., to the general location, to the more specific location, and then to the time of day; you could even leave out HOUSE here as it is implied by BACKYARD)

and

EXT. NIGHT. DOWN THE PATH.

Should be

EXT. DOWN THE PATH - NIGHT

Thanks for the tip!

Anyhow, I think you’ve got a great start here, and I’d love to know where your superhero goes - does he vanquish the alien nasties who are out to get his people? (Which makes me wonder, who are his people? His inner people? Does he have a girlfriend to protect, family, friends, classmates, etc… Can you introduce them indirectly in this first sequence?)

Glad you liked it.

- Jeff (“Charlie and Claire”)

P.S. The lead character’s name is Michael. Is this story autobiographical?
Of course!
Thanks again! Glad it got your juices flowing enough to inquire about it further.

Cheers,

Mike