Thread: Dead Men

Page 2 of 4 FirstFirst 1234 LastLast
Results 11 to 20 of 38
  1. Collapse Details
    #11
    Senior Member Captain Pierce's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2006
    Location
    I'm from Iowa--I only work in outer space
    Posts
    1,483
    Default
    I agree with Mark's suggestion of showing Daniel and his girlfriend going through together. That way, all you need is the Dead Man to say "Son of a bitch" as his last line before walking away.

    And I don't really have a problem with Daniel trying to get the waitress' attention, he hasn't been dead long at this point, so it would take some getting used to.

    "With your body" is a great line.

    The overall tone of the piece reminded me a little of the old Showtime show "Dead Like Me." Which is a good thing, cause I liked that show. It's definitely different enough in the specifics that it doesn't come across like you're trying to rip that off or anything.

    All in all, a good script that I enjoyed reading.
    The Plinkett Equation:

    TOS16 + TNG5 + DS94 + VOY11 + ENT 8
    __________________________________________________ = History is changing every 23 millionths of a second

    F649 + Alp987 + Bet934 + Gam764 + Del837 * 100,000,000,000


    Reply With Quote
     

  2. Collapse Details
    #12
    Default
    I think so far this is my favorite, so far. I like your organized, simple style and clean style of writing.

    I had to laugh when the Dead Man actually whistled to round them up. Very funny.

    One type, page 2, through not thought the crowd.

    I like the light and the different colors you used as a way to get them to go to heaven or hell. Very clever.

    I really really liked the opening scene with Shanna. You did that well.

    Good job and good luck.


    Reply With Quote
     

  3. Collapse Details
    #13
    Knight of the Holy Order krestofre's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2004
    Location
    Springfield, MO
    Posts
    2,707
    Default
    Thanks for the continued feedback.

    Captain: I had never heard of Dead Like Me until you mentioned it. I'm glad to hear that I'm not ripping it off, and now I'll have to check it out.

    Detached: Thanks for the kind words. I'm glad you liked the script.
    Chris Johnson


    Reply With Quote
     

  4. Collapse Details
    #14
    More Cowbell Pictures Michael Anthony Horrigan's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2007
    Location
    Ottawa
    Posts
    8,997
    Default
    I really enjoyed this. You write excellent dialogue!

    Some of my gripes have already been covered. The timing and the way his GF died. Not only that but in a way that would be considered a freak accident right after he becomes a "Dead Man".

    I'm also not sure that I've ever heard of a Paramedic pronouncing someone dead on the scene. Usually they will work on them (CPR) in the ambulance and they will get announced at the hospital. It's different when they arrive and they get covered up and no work is done. This is not the case here though.

    Still, I loved the idea. Very interesting story.

    Mike


    MONSTERFEST : 4th Place - Sustained Excellence Award - WESTFEST: 3rd Place - THRILLFEST: 3rd Place


    Reply With Quote
     

  5. Collapse Details
    #15
    Senior Member John LaBonney's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2007
    Location
    Fabulous Las Vegas
    Posts
    721
    Default
    Christopher:

    I really liked this script, and it's clear to me that you can write.

    One description that hit me as particularly strong was the phrase "t-boned."

    Lots of subtle humor, like the pain in the Dead Man's side, and "Sorry about that one, buddy."

    I thought the diner scene was well-done and interesting because the Dead Man doesn't bother to try to explain to Daniel that the waitress can't see/hear him, he just kind of ignores it and continues on with his conversation as if he's seen this kind of thing a million times before and that it will eventually dawn on Daniel that he's invisible.

    The ending is where I run into a problem. I'm not really buying the "two people in one light" premise. If it was explained a little more thoroughly what the problem with that is, besides "it's not allowed, then maybe. But I think I have an ending that would work even better, if I might be allowed to indulge myself here. How about Daniel goes to collect her, but when the light appears, it's red. In order to go with her, he must accept the eternity of pain and suffering of hell that's she's in for, but he does so because his love for her is so strong.

    Thanks for sharing this entry, it's one of my favorites of the fest so far.
    John LaBonney
    Director, Dam Short Film Festival
    www.damshortfilm.org
    john@johnlabonney.com
    (702) 769-5902



    Reply With Quote
     

  6. Collapse Details
    #16
    Knight of the Holy Order krestofre's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2004
    Location
    Springfield, MO
    Posts
    2,707
    Default
    Quote Originally Posted by Michael Anthony Horrigan View Post
    I'm also not sure that I've ever heard of a Paramedic pronouncing someone dead on the scene. Usually they will work on them (CPR) in the ambulance and they will get announced at the hospital. It's different when they arrive and they get covered up and no work is done. This is not the case here though.
    Good tip. Thanks.

    Quote Originally Posted by johnlabonney
    How about Daniel goes to collect her, but when the light appears, it's red. In order to go with her, he must accept the eternity of pain and suffering of hell that's she's in for, but he does so because his love for her is so strong.
    Thanks for the feedback John. I haven't figured this one out yet, but my resistance to this kind of ending is that it takes too much of the spotlight off of the Dead Man. As I said earlier this is very much his story, not Daniel's, so doing something like this seems to put more of the structure of the script on Daniel's shoulders. It's the Dead Man's attitude that has to change for the script to work for me. Don't think I'm just disregarding your suggestion though, I'm chewing on all of this feedback to figure out how to make the next rewrite extra strong. Thanks again.
    Chris Johnson


    Reply With Quote
     

  7. Collapse Details
    #17
    Senior Member John LaBonney's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2007
    Location
    Fabulous Las Vegas
    Posts
    721
    Default
    Quote Originally Posted by krestofre View Post
    ...but my resistance to this kind of ending is that it takes too much of the spotlight off of the Dead Man. As I said earlier this is very much his story, not Daniel's, so doing something like this seems to put more of the structure of the script on Daniel's shoulders. It's the Dead Man's attitude that has to change for the script to work for me.
    You're right, this ending does make the story more about Daniel. After this comment I went back and reread the ending, and perhaps I'm just thick, but I don't see how Dead Man changes or grows. Two people go through the same tunnel, so does that mean there's a potential escape for Dead Man, a way out of this purgatory? It doesn't come off that strong to me.
    John LaBonney
    Director, Dam Short Film Festival
    www.damshortfilm.org
    john@johnlabonney.com
    (702) 769-5902



    Reply With Quote
     

  8. Collapse Details
    #18
    Knight of the Holy Order krestofre's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2004
    Location
    Springfield, MO
    Posts
    2,707
    Default
    Yeah, you got it. The Dead Man has these rules that he's followed for who knows how long, and when they're challenged he refused to carry on with the conversation. But there's enough curiosity still inside the Dead Man that he lets Daniel send his girlfriend off alone, knowing full well what Daniel is probably thinking. And then when the world doesn't end, or Daniel doesn't get thrown back to earth, or what have you then maybe there's a chance that the Dead Man has hope. The truth is that he doesn't know if it worked out for Daniel, and neither do we, but for the first time in his existence, the Dead Man is thinking about what is possible.

    If that's not very strong, then maybe that's something I need to work on too. And in that case, by still running my mouth off in this post I may be making the script look weaker.
    Chris Johnson


    Reply With Quote
     

  9. Collapse Details
    #19
    Senior Member John LaBonney's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2007
    Location
    Fabulous Las Vegas
    Posts
    721
    Default
    We know from his conversation that two going through together is not allowed, something bad will happen. It's at that moment that I'm expecting to find out what that bad thing is later in the story and how one of them overcomes the obstacle. Obviously Dead Man knows (or thinks he knows) what horrible thing will happen. So when nothing happens, it's kind of anti-climactic.

    As far as I'm concerned you're not running your mouth off. We wrote these scripts and put them up here so we could talk about them, didn't we? So let's talk about 'em.
    John LaBonney
    Director, Dam Short Film Festival
    www.damshortfilm.org
    john@johnlabonney.com
    (702) 769-5902



    Reply With Quote
     

  10. Collapse Details
    #20
    Knight of the Holy Order krestofre's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2004
    Location
    Springfield, MO
    Posts
    2,707
    Default
    I see what you're saying and how you got there. My thought while writing it was that the Dead Man says two people can't go through at the same time merely because it's a rule. Kind of like a little kid following a rule only because it's a rule and not understanding the consequences. Simply following to follow. But from his reaction I can see why it would seem that he's opposed to two people going through at the same time because of something that he's aware of that he's not sharing vs. something that he simply hadn't thought about.

    More stuff to think about now.
    Chris Johnson


    Reply With Quote
     

Page 2 of 4 FirstFirst 1234 LastLast

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •