Thread: God's Warehouse

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    #21
    Senior Member Russell Moore's Avatar
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    I really appreciate the comments and I think the critique is valid.

    In my mind I saw the pursuers as highly trained enough to handle the situation. But in the script, I agree I could either emphasize this point and/or arm them more heavily and/or have more than two at a time.

    I'm happy to hear that you enjoyed the ride and thanks for taking the time to critique it.


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    #22
    Senior Member Captain Pierce's Avatar
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    All this is without looking at the script again (I'm at work), but to me... It doesn't really matter how well the pursuers are armed, if Tyr can't die. They just need to be armed well enough to take out anybody trying to help him (and they don't seem to be having any problems in that area ). What the pursuers need is some kind of code word, or specially-formulated tranquilizer, or something that can shut Tyr down. Could it be that, since the paramedics did think that just using verbal commands would work, that the Doctor did program something like that in, but that it got unprogrammed as part of the procedure to reverse everything he did?
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    #23
    Senior Member Russell Moore's Avatar
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    Captain, I like where you're going with this line of thinking, it definitely gives me some food for thought.
    Once again, thanks for your input.


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    #24
    Knight of the Holy Order krestofre's Avatar
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    I'm not convinced that the backup thing is a big deal. I mean this is an action movie as it's core. How many people fight Wolverine at a time? One. It's bad guy training 101. "Jimmy, I know you want to jump in and help your fiend, but the code says only one bad guy engaging the hero at any given time." As I was reading it I just felt that's how action movies are supposed to go.

    And that Nun is hardcore! I wouldn't have suspected that she needed backup in the first place.

    Sufficed to say I really enjoyed this one. Paced very well, you build up to the reveal of your mystery. A great guns-a-blazin' action piece.
    Chris Johnson


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    #25
    Senior Member Russell Moore's Avatar
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    Thank you krestofre, that means a lot to me. I'm glad you liked it.


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    #26
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    Conlan,
    I enjoyed this one and all my comments will just be with tweaking.

    I agree with the teaser about his healing in the beginning. We should get some clue that something here is a little out of the ordinary, a little supernatural.

    I think Tyr hiding in the coffin and riding the coffin down the stairs is a little over the top. He is indestructable, so why does he have to hide in a coffin? He could hide behind a door to surprise her, but IMO a coffin is too much. Also as much as I love the idea of riding a coffin down the stairs I don't know if it fits the tone and world of your story. I just don't picture your hero doing that.

    I like the twist at the end where the one bad guy gets choked. Good choice there.

    I think if you want to clear up the people pursing the indestructable Tyr, then you could make it more obvious that they are trying to catch him, rather than kill him. Any suggestions of something to hold him might help, that way they aren't just trying to kill something that can't die.

    You didn't capitalize Gustav the first time we meet him. Quick formatting errors.

    Otherwise I enjoyed this piece. Keep up the good work.


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    #27
    Senior Member Russell Moore's Avatar
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    Smashed, thanks for reading my script and taking the time to comment on it.

    The teaser of his abilities seems to be popular and I'm really taking that to heart.
    As far as the two coffin scenes, the first where he is hiding, I wanted to do something different that you may not expect and while he is virtually indestructible he does suffer initially from damage, so he tries to avoid it when possible.
    On the coffin down the stairs, I knew this might be polarizing for people, I figured some people might like it and others may feel it over the top. I decided to go with it and suffer the consequences. ;)

    The thought about making it more clear about him being caught instead of killed is a good idea and I've had several good ideas including the back up, so I have a lot to consider there.

    I don't even know how many times I read this script (but its a lot) and I didn't catch the Dr. Gustav captilization problem. Thanks.

    Once again thank you for taking the time to critique the script, I appreciate it.


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    #28
    Senior Member alex whitmer's Avatar
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    Not sure why, but this comes off as a little contradictory …

    his appearance a bit ragged and worn. He is in his
    physical prime.

    This …

    big wicked HANDGUN

    Should be big, wicked HANDGUN.

    If it came down to saving pages for whatever reason, it’s a good habit to weed out superfluous details. This for example …

    Tyr then pushes up his left jacket sleeve, baring the top of
    his arm.

    You could leave out the ‘pushes up his left jacket sleeve’ as the following action would create that action by default. Like this …

    Tyr then bares the top of his arm.

    Kill the ING verb. You could probably lose the ‘then’ as well, getting this from 14 words and two lines, down to 7 and one line to say the same thing.

    Here again …

    He pulls the blade across his arm, just deep enough
    to break the skin, blood seeps out from the thin slice.

    You could trim it to …

    He pulls the blade across his arm. Blood seeps from a thin slice.

    Comb the script for more opportunities to lose the fluff and quicken the read.

    This …

    "GOD'S WAREHOUSE a funeral home".

    Why only part capped? It feels odd the way it’s written.

    Page 2

    Need to cap this character (no pun)

    Dr. Godwin Gustav,


    He stands in front of the coffin, one
    hand resting on the casket,

    Maybe …

    ‘He stands with one hand resting on the coffin’ so you don’t need to do a coffin/casket thing. ‘Hand on the coffin’ will by default put him next to it.

    This …

    I know this isn’t an English class, but just for the record …

    rough housing

    The rule for compound verbs is … if it’s not in the dictionary as one word, then it needs to be hyphenated. Since the compound verb rough housing is in the dictionary, it should be written ‘roughhousing’.

    This …

    Dr. Gustav is exiting the building. He stops just outside
    the door, wary, glancing up and down the sidewalk.

    Stick to simple present …

    Dr. Gustav exits the building. He stops just outside
    the door, wary, glances up and down the sidewalk.

    Keeps it all in one tense. Except on occasion when it just works better with ING. You also get to lose the is, am and are words, for the most part.

    This …

    Just regular pedestrian traffic, a half block down, a PRIEST and a NUN are trying to save a WINO.

    Punctuation issue …

    What’s half a block down? The regular ped traffic, or the priest and nun?

    This …

    Dr. Gustav, seeing Tyr, becomes panicked,

    Reads choppy this way. Try …

    Dr. Gustav panics when he sees Tyr.

    One smooth action. A good rule of thumb is to write how you want the action to unflold. If it moves quick, write it so it reads quickly. If you want to slow things down, reflect that in the way the action is written.

    Your action feels like it should happen seamlessly. He sees, he panics, he runs. No time for dilly-dally commas.

    Like this one …

    Tyr halts momentarily as a large panel truck passes and then
    he breaks into a run across the street.

    One seamless action, as it would happen on screen.

    Page 3

    BLAM! The Nun shoots the Manager in the head with a giant
    handgun.

    Okay, now I’m really in the story. Nuns with guns? Love it!

    This …

    She then moves cautiously into the lobby.

    Per your slug, she’s already in the lobby.

    You have this …

    second floor.

    And …

    top floor.

    Which is it? Top floor could be the 3rd, 4th, and so on. 2nd is specific.

    Bottom of page 3

    Down at the far end, in the only room that has an open door. She sees a body lying on the floor.

    Punctuation confusion.

    Maybe a comma here …

    an open door, she sees

    Page 4

    her associate,

    You mean the Priest?

    This …

    Standing, she continues toward the
    coffin slowly. Her gun pointed at the casket.

    I’m guessing you are trying to avoid using the same word twice. Try losing one altogether …

    Standing, she continues slowly toward the coffin, her gun pointed.

    You don’t need ‘standing’ as it’s an assumed action. You can clean it up a little, add more tension …

    She moves cautiously toward the coffin. Her tense finger massages the gun’s trigger.

    I added the period to slow down the action. You want this to build, the music to thump, even if it’s a red herring.

    This …

    She peers into the coffin. A very FAT MAN in a modest suit.
    Her weapon still in hand, she reaches into a pocket and pulls
    out her CELL PHONE.

    This could read that the nun reaches into the fat man’s suit pocket. Did Fat Man steal her phone before he died? I’d say …

    Her weapon still in hand, she takes out her cell phone.

    Pretty interesting this …

    The FAT MAN'S legs fly apart suddenly. Tyr sits up with
    blinding speed from between the corpse's legs, FIRING his
    gun once. The bullet EXPLODES into the side of the Nun's
    head and she topples into the chairs.

    What kind of bullet ‘explodes into the side of a head’?

    cont'd ...
    Last edited by alex whitmer; 05-11-2008 at 03:13 PM.


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    #29
    Senior Member alex whitmer's Avatar
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    cont'd ...

    It seems he must have moved pretty darn fast to get under the FAT GUY in the time it took the nun (cop?) to get up the stairs.

    This …

    Dr. Gustav in
    the elevator jabbing frantically at buttons.

    … needs it’s own slug.

    This doesn’t make sense … Continuity issue

    Tyr is out of the viewing room and running.

    But then …

    Tyr, at full speed grabs the COFFIN CART. Pushing the coffin
    and the cart rapidly towards the stairs.

    So, he ran back to the viewing room to get the coffin? Couldn’t he have run down the stairs in the same amount of time it took to set up the toboggan run?

    This …

    And he's everything that we'd wanted.

    Past perfect ... it works but I think you can leave off the 'd.

    Up through page 5 the dialogue sounds dreadfully stiff, like an old episode of Dragnet.

    Page 5

    Tyr making passionate love to Cynthia.

    As these scenes seem important, maybe cap Cynthia way back on page one. She’s no longer just a girl in the picture. By this page, I had forgotten all about her.

    Page 6

    A skull cap on her obviously bald head.

    If it’s obvious, then just say ‘her bald head’.

    This …

    And if he needed to be permanently
    cleared.

    I don’t understand. Is it an unfinished thought? Or, should it be ..

    And if needed, he could be permanently
    cleared.

    Does the following CLEAR METHODOLGY have anything to do with the previous CLEAR?


    This …

    Tyr, exiting the stairwell and onto the second floor.

    Slug / action redundancy.

    This …

    He screws the cap off. Drops it and the necklace to the floor.


    If he ‘unscrews’ the cap and throws it on the floor, wouldn’t the contents spill out?

    ****************************

    Can’t say I really understand what happened here. I feel left with way too much mystery.

    How / why did Cynthia die? What does all this Latin (?) mean? What are the experiments (?) for?

    Beauts dues omnipotens planto laxo
    quis vos wrought....

    all powerful, to relieve anyone you have wrought.

    ...may vestri lux lucis existo solvo
    illae letalis vas


    May your light free those mortal vessels.

    ...quis vos wrought may vestri lux
    lucis existo solvo illae letalis vas

    anyone you wrought may (lux?) shinning to free the mortal vessel

    Why the mix of wrought (past participle of work as verb, or elaborately made a adjective) and may ??

    Anyways, I felt ripped out of the story because I had no idea what they were saying. Use subtitles.

    Far too much is unexplained.

    Why do cops need to dress like a priest and a nun, and as paramedics (I assume they are cops).

    Is Tyr about to commit suicide, then sees Dr. Gustav and changes his mind?

    How did the cops know this was all going down?

    There is some good material here, but for the most part I had no idea why things were happening. The best part is all the mystery keeps pulling the reader forward.

    You have some tech issues to address ( I didn’t point out every one), some continuity issues, and some light to shed as to what this is all about.

    Dialogue needs work.

    Thank you for sharing.

    a

    www.alexwhitmer.wordpress.com

    www.guerro.wordpress.com
    Last edited by alex whitmer; 05-11-2008 at 03:17 PM.


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    #30
    Senior Member Russell Moore's Avatar
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    Alex, thanks for taking the time to do such a thorough critique of my script, I appreciate the time that you put into it.
    The advice you have given me on formatting and the actual writing of the screenplay is invaluable. I especially like the advice on how to use punctuation and sentence structure to convey feeling and tone.

    I'll try to address all of your questions with the content and I have to admit I'm more confused then ever. You pointed out many issues that hadn't been brought to my attention.

    It seems he must have moved pretty darn fast to get under the FAT GUY in the time it took the nun (cop?) to get up the stairs.

    Okay, I can't really defend this too much, I knew this might be susceptible to criticism, but I hoped it would slide if I made him out to be a highly trained action hero.

    So, he ran back to the viewing room to get the coffin? Couldn’t he have run down the stairs in the same amount of time it took to set up the toboggan run?

    This actually is a seperate coffin that I had identified earlier in two seperate scenes. Here...

    *Tyr comes to the top of the stairs and stops. The second
    floor is completely open, with several closed doors on either
    side, at the end, two doors, both closed. Halfway down
    against the right hand wall is a casket setting atop a wheeled
    metal cart.


    and here...

    *Vigilant, she puts her back against
    the right hand wall and makes her way towards the room.
    She moves around the coffin cart and slides up beside the
    doorway.

    How / why did Cynthia die? What does all this Latin (?) mean? What are the experiments (?) for?

    Egads! The questions are piling up now. I'll try to handle these one at a time.

    First Cynthia's death, I had shown very little info as to how she died and it was in one of the quick flashbacks. Here....

    *Tyr in anguish, bent over Cynthia, she lies unmoving in a
    hospital bed. A skull cap on her obviously bald head.

    Perhaps I could have expanded on it more, I was hoping this would be enough to show that she'd died from some form of sickness, cancer perhaps.
    Second question about the Latin. I struggled with this a lot and I wasn't really sure what would be the best approach. I'm guilty of a simple fact, I just think it sounds cool when people are chanting Latin in movies. I thought it would lose the effect if I just used subtitles.

    Third question about the experiments, I'm not sure how to answer this one. I honestly think that there is enough information to explain the reason behind them.

    Why do cops need to dress like a priest and a nun, and as paramedics (I assume they are cops).

    I tried to write several actions into the script that would reveal that these characters were not police officers. Here...


    *BLAM! The Nun shoots the Manager in the head with a giant
    handgun. (I guess she could be the next Dirty Harriet)

    Later the Paramedics blow the Doctor away and then report their actions to the Reverend and Mr. Marsh.

    Is Tyr about to commit suicide, then sees Dr. Gustav and changes his mind?

    I'm not exactly sure what you're referring to here, I assume it is when Tyr is cutting himself in the beginning of the story.
    I was trying to show that Tyr was in mental anguish over losing his beloved and would prefer to feel physical pain. The cuts were thin. I also tried to refer to that somewhat near the end. Here...


    *He rubs the top of his left arm with the butt of the handgun.
    TYR (CONT'D)
    I want to feel something, anything
    besides this. Shoot me, stab me, it
    heals.
    Approaching Dr. Gustav, racked with anguish.
    TYR (CONT'D)
    But this hole, it won't heal.


    Tyr can't commit suicide (being able to heal from physical damage and being practically ageless, which is referred to in flashback) Tyr has set up the funeral to lure Dr. Gustav in, so that the Doctor can perform the Clear/kill process. Referred to here...


    *TYR (CONT'D)
    Kill me....Please, I'm begging you.
    I can't live like this, without her.
    DR. GUSTAV
    But Tyr, I can't do...
    TYR
    (interrupting)
    You can, that's why we're here. The
    funeral, I knew you would come. End
    it.

    You have some tech issues to address ( I didn’t point out every one), some continuity issues, and some light to shed as to what this is all about.
    Dialogue needs work.

    The tech issues and continuity issues are areas I certainly want to improve in.
    I hope I shed some light on what was happening.
    I think I'll probably always be working on making dialogue sound authentic.

    It looks like we definitely did not connect with each other on this script, but I want to thank you again for taking the time to give me such a detailed critique.
    I will definitely be able to use a lot of your advice in the future.

    If you have any more suggestions or questions, please post them.
    Last edited by Russell Moore; 05-11-2008 at 11:47 PM.


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