Thread: God's Warehouse

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    #11
    Senior Member Nektonic's Avatar
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    I like that logline, and the title is awesome. Good luck man.


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    #12
    Senior Member Captain Pierce's Avatar
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    With all the calls for "giant handguns" and the like, I can only assume that you have the Desert Eagle franchise in your area, conlanforever.

    Seriously, though, I enjoyed the script. One minor suggestion--at the beginning, when Tyr is cutting himself, should we maybe come back from his view of the "God's Warehouse" sign and see the cuts healed already as a small teaser of his abilities?
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    #13
    Senior Member John LaBonney's Avatar
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    Deep stuff. I agree that a teaser of his immortality would be beneficial.

    I liked the pursuit, the best action part being the slide down the stairs on the coffin. Would love to see that shot, especially if he jumps off just as the coffin smashes into a zillion pieces. I found myself anxious to get through the scenes with Cynthia; I suggest that her character be diminished even further or eliminated completely.

    The Marsh character is my favorite, and one of my favorite moments is when he continues to pet his dog as the Reverend dies. Reminds me of a good James Bond movie villain, or at least how I'd like them to be: completely cold-blooded. It would be cool to see a little bit more of him.
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    #14
    Senior Member Russell Moore's Avatar
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    LOL...No, no Captain, I don't have anything to do with the Desert Eagle franchise. But I do have stock in the official Giant Handgun brand handguns, I think its branch of ACME.

    I can definitely see the benefits of a teaser written in early on. Maybe to heighten the mystery a bit more about Tyr.

    John, I'm not sure I could eliminate the character of Cynthia. She is the motivation for a lot of the action, unless I failed to convey it.
    Was it the way the scenes(Cynthia's) were written or is it that you thought it would work better if it were just Tyr vs. the "bad guys"?

    I'm glad you liked the coffin scene. When it came to me, I thought maybe its a little over the top, but figured "what the hell" its an action short and put it in.

    I really want to improve myself as a writer and I've already learned a great deal just from reading other scripts and their critiques.

    So, thanks for the comments guys and keep 'em coming.


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    #15
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    Okay, so you are obviously a very experienced writer and there isn't anything I can say. ;-)

    This one met not only the challenge but was a great read from start to finish.

    I thought the whole story and and the writing of it were executed very, very well.

    Good job and good luck.


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    #16
    Senior Member dantewaters's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ConspiracyPenguin View Post
    Loglines can be one of the more difficult aspects in promoting an idea. When I write, sometimes the logline is extremely apparent and it just pops into my head. But I (and I think all of us) have had those moments where I can't for the life of me come up with a good one.

    Sounds cood conlan, I look forward to the read. Good luck everyone!
    Guess the logline is the summary of your entire script?


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    #17
    Senior Member Russell Moore's Avatar
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    Thanks Detached, I really appreciate the comments. But to be completely honest this was only my 2nd script and my 1st short script.
    I'm glad you enjoyed it and thank you for taking the time to read it.

    Dante...I'm a little confused about your comment. I don't think my logline is the summary of my whole script.


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    #18
    Senior Member STYLZ's Avatar
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    Excellent chase scene. Very action packed. Reminds me of True Lies or something along those lines. Minus the AV-8 Harrier and Heli's and all that.

    What's a unpurposeful stride look like?

    This script was good ole American style action. Written pretty well. Easy to visualize. No criticism really.

    Question though. This guy is so good, why did the paramedics think they could get him to submit with just verbal commands? I'd think they would have some way to render him unconscious or make him ineffective. Taser? Gas grenades? Something. Anyways good job. Thanks for sharing.


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    #19
    Senior Member Russell Moore's Avatar
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    Thanks for taking the time to read my script.
    Good point on the purposeful stride. Maybe I could change the description a bit to describe his intent more clearly at that point.

    As far as the paramedics, you raise another good question. I could say they were well trained and over-conifident or we just never get a chance to see what else they had in their arsenal and then, there is always the possibility that it hadn't occured to me....heh.

    I appreciate you taking the time to critique, thanks again.


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    #20
    More Cowbell Pictures Michael Anthony Horrigan's Avatar
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    My only gripe was the the fact that everyone seemed to think he was an easy capture. I mean... sending two people after a highly trained/motivated individual who can't die seems a bit odd.

    With backup not even in the same vicinity.

    Aside from that it was a kick ass ride! I really enjoyed it.
    At least give back-up a better way of dealing with him. That might help.

    Not bashing btw, this is a great script overall.

    Mike


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