Thread: God's Warehouse

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    #41
    Mod v2.0 Noel Evans's Avatar
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    Hi mate, I think Alex and Isaac covered about everything I wanted to say - except to say in that last scene Id love to see him shot up and heavily bleeding, cuts all over him etc.

    I didnt feel lost or taken out by anything so thats was great. I followed him the whole way. Im not a HUGE action fan but this had plenty of drama and things that kept me moving.

    The only thing I want to say as a critique is that there is minimal dialogue so it needs to be right on the money and the payoff scene between Tyr and Gustav just isnt quite there in this respect.

    But again, I really enjoyed this ride and glad you put it out there.
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    #42
    Senior Member Russell Moore's Avatar
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    I'm glad that you enjoyed even though it was an action piece, I tried to accomplish a balance.

    I agree with your critique about the dialogue, its a bit melodramatic and I'm going to rewrite a lot of the dialogue throughout the script.

    Thanks for taking the time to read and critique my script, its appreciated.
    the writer formerly known as "Conlan Forever"

    Need a short script?
    Have an idea? Want to collaborate? Contact me.

    screenwriter75@yahoo.com


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