Scarlet Runaway Complete - 15 Pages

[Noel Evans]

Any thoughts anyone...... Would love to hear them.

Scarlet Runaway (http://www.scarlet-films.com/scarlet_runaway.pdf)

Havent added scene numbers etc yet.

[Noel Evans]

12 view and no comments....... please!!!!

[khmuse]

An interesting screen play with a few very well written twists. Very ambitious for a 14 page script, seems like its running time would be somewhat longer than the typical 1 minute per page.
Is this something that you intend to shot yourself?

I did notice what might be a misspell at two places on page 14. The script use the word "kerb" where it might have been intended to be "curb".

[Future user]

I enjoyed the steadily building tempo at the end. I would like to see it if it were very stylized, as though anime had come to life.

[Noel Evans]

khmuse thanks for the input... yes i will be shooting it myself.. I would say some pages are the typical one to two mins.. some maybe closer to three. Future user, hmm I have style in mind... maybe not so close to anime, not entirely different either.

[Jay Rodriguez]

I enjoyed it!

Hey Will, I shot our script........ Did you know that? Can't remember if I PM'ed you.

[Noel Evans]

Thanks coffee....... I really do appreciate your time taken to read it.

[Cpt. Shiner]

I think you need to expand on the story. There is a lot of up in the air. We know that Sakura is on the run, but we don't know why. Why does Father plan on killing Shinichi even before Shinichi fails to kill Sakura? Also, if Sakura is Maho's sister why doesn't Maho warn her before Shinichi goes to see Sakura?

The story kept my attention, though. It just left me with some questions, maybe I'm missing something.

As for typo's, you had "your" in a couple spots where it should have been "you're".

Also, after you initially introduce Father Yamada, I think you can lose the "He talks
in a slow soothing manner" line in the rest of the script. It seems redundant to me.

[OLBoy]

Very ambitious and visual for a short film, but if you pull it off it would be definetely something worth watching. Good script, just polish it up a little bit and maybe you should lose the montage at the beginning.

[Noel Evans]

Thanks for the input guys. I do have some cut pieces I may re add. I wanted it to sit around 15 pages... but with the loss of the montage I could probably get away with it without detracting from the storyline.

Will update when I get the chance to re cut it.

[Cinema-E]

I think you need to expand on the story. There is a lot of up in the air. We know that Sakura is on the run, but we don't know why. Why does Father plan on killing Shinichi even before Shinichi fails to kill Sakura? Also, if Sakura is Maho's sister why doesn't Maho warn her before Shinichi goes to see Sakura?

The story kept my attention, though. It just left me with some questions, maybe I'm missing something.

As for typo's, you had "your" in a couple spots where it should have been "you're".

Also, after you initially introduce Father Yamada, I think you can lose the "He talks
in a slow soothing manner" line in the rest of the script. It seems redundant to me.


Shiori drops to her knees behind Yoichi. Yoichi appears
agitated.

SHIORI

I was raped. I had to get out.

SHINICHI

Raped? Your a whore!

Yoichi tries to stand swinging a fist. Shinichi measures a

thrust of the pistol forward catching him as he rises. Yoichi

falls back to the floor.

well, that might explain why ,I mean why he made that scene when Shinichi gropes Maho’s breasts !, backing up the run, simply Shinichi raped her



yea when you finish reading it you will have the feeling of missing something ,

I think the story wasn’t that clear , unless if things will be somehow explained more while shooting ,


good luck ncje

[Cpt. Shiner]

Seems to me that it's Father Yamada that really wants to find Sakura and she's really ducking him.

[Noel Evans]

Cpt Shiner... you would be correct.

[Cinema-E]

God , what is this family , that is mean, too mean man ,
what is it , another Visitor Q !

your script reminds me a lot of the takashi miike way

[Noel Evans]

I think you need to expand on the story. There is a lot of up in the air. We know that Sakura is on the run, but we don't know why. Why does Father plan on killing Shinichi even before Shinichi fails to kill Sakura? Also, if Sakura is Maho's sister why doesn't Maho warn her before Shinichi goes to see Sakura?

The story kept my attention, though. It just left me with some questions, maybe I'm missing something.

As for typo's, you had "your" in a couple spots where it should have been "you're".

Also, after you initially introduce Father Yamada, I think you can lose the "He talks
in a slow soothing manner" line in the rest of the script. It seems redundant to me.

There are some parts that you would need to think about... I mean I wouldnt want to write a script that has everything laid out...

But there is info in there....

Shinichi... you left a mess for me.
Shiori ... I was raped
Shinichi.... your a whore

Anway Ive stripped the montage and put the front back on.... the reason I took it off originally was because there is a gap between the rape of Shiori and her former life to the time Shinichi tracks her down. I wasnt sure how to implement this fully in such a short movie... Jumps from 2002 to 2005. In addition is shows Maho is pissed at her sister.... why maho is married to Shinichi.... and why Shiori ran in the first place... I thought it took the thought out of it. ANyway Ill pop it on and see what you think.

[Cpt. Shiner]

I agree with you about not wanting to spell everything out, but you do want to give enough detail to enable your readers/viewers to put stuff together.

Looking forward to reading it.

[Cpt. Shiner]

This is what I got from the original script you posted:

Sakura/Shiori was raped and forced into prostitution and Father Yamada was the head of the prostitution ring. She went on the run to escape that life and has now started a new one of her own. Father Yamada sends his son Shinichi looking for her and he wants her dead. I assume the money Shinichi say she owes him was actually money she stole from Father Yamada and that' why he wants her dead. Shinichi is a disappointment to his father and his wife basically hates him.

Here's what i didn't get:

I didn't get why Maho didn't warn her sister. I couldn't understand why she would be married to Shinichi since he and his father had turned her sister out. I also thought it was odd that Father Yamada has Maho kill Shinichi. With the phone calls it seems like Maho and Yamada had been planning this for a while, like they have some deal worked out on the side. Also, Shinichi makes a reference to Shiori owing him money. I assume the money really belongs to Father Yamada and that is why he wants her dead, but I don't know why she took it. I'm assuming it is a large amount.


This is all based off the script you initially posted here. Just thought I'd be more specific about what I'm missing.

[Cinema-E]

just knew that maho is shininch's wife, !,

sometime you have something in ur mind while writing which you think readers will understand it just like u do, and this is wrong , u should imagine ur self on the other side , and see how would a first time reader get ur whole idea ,I mean how would u want it to be viewed , I think this is ur problem here

[Noel Evans]

Sakura/Shiori was raped and forced into prostitution and Father Yamada was the head of the prostitution ring. She went on the run to escape that life and has now started a new one of her own. Father Yamada sends his son Shinichi looking for her and he wants her dead. I assume the money Shinichi say she owes him was actually money she stole from Father Yamada and that' why he wants her dead. Shinichi is a disappointment to his father and his wife basically hates him.

Correct


I didn't get why Maho didn't warn her sister. I couldn't understand why she would be married to Shinichi since he and his father had turned her sister out. I also thought it was odd that Father Yamada has Maho kill Shinichi. With the phone calls it seems like Maho and Yamada had been planning this for a while, like they have some deal worked out on the side. Also, Shinichi makes a reference to Shiori owing him money. I assume the money really belongs to Father Yamada and that is why he wants her dead, but I don't know why she took it. I'm assuming it is a large amount.

The opening sequence I am reinserting gives some insight.

[Noel Evans]

OK I have posted the re edited version you can see it here...

Scarlet Runaway - Edited (http://www.scarlet-films.com/Scarletrunaway_new.pdf)

Interested to see what people think of the changes!

[Cpt. Shiner]

the new link is not working.

[Noel Evans]

eehh somehow ended up with https instead of http

Anyway here it is: Scarlet Runaway - Updated (http://www.scarlet-films.com/Scarletrunaway_new.pdf)