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Egg Born Son
12-08-2012, 06:53 PM
WHITE CHRISTMAS



[poster to follow]



A new Santa, struggling under the weight of responsibility and reeling from the loss of his father finds the inspiration to fight back and save Christmas for one family.



I'm hating the title but until I get one better, it will have to do.

Egg Born Son
12-08-2012, 06:54 PM
Outline done, just have to write it.

Reef dreamer
12-09-2012, 03:15 AM
you're not going to make me cry in this are you? does he save a beloved pet as well?

on first reading seems a lot for 8 pages - set yourself a decent challenge

will read with interest

Egg Born Son
12-14-2012, 07:17 AM
CHANGE OF PLAN

Realised I plagiarised myself. I'd already written the other script last year...oops! Threw together a last minute entry with a different topic.


NEW ENTRY

Title: DAY AFTER

The day after a wild office party, Julie must face the music.

Reef dreamer
12-16-2012, 07:38 AM
Hi egg,

just to let you know the link on the submit thread didn't work for me.

Egg Born Son
12-16-2012, 07:59 AM
Thanks. There was a problem with the attachment number. Try now.

Anthony Todaro
12-16-2012, 10:59 AM
I thought the idea of the twist was funny as hell. The execution left a little to be desired, in terms of the end...
You have this very visual story and we are putting all the pieces together and then, you tell us the ending. It's kind of a let down.

Imaging the visual of poor Buddy walking into the bosses office and turning around to shut the door and seeing Julie, smiling, and he's wincing with the boss smiling at his desk in the back of the room behind him...
To me, that says it better than actually saying it. That would really set it off for me with a visual ending. (I do note you said it was 'in progress' so maybe consider something visual.)

Some formatting issues, but not a biggie. You seem like you have a pretty good handle on it. Just make sure to deal with those FLASHBACKs properly. Time is not something you want people to be confused about in a story. It will lose the reader quick. I actually struggled a tad at the end, because I was trying to deliniate past from present. Regarding your action blocks, I think you could take a second look at many of your phrases and actually trim them out and make it more fluid. Some of the blocks didn't seem to belong together. So I do suggest breaking them up.

The overall idea is a funny one. I think you could do this story in 3 or 4 pages though. It drags until we meet the boss. The visuals are telling the story, but it's not interesting or compelling me to move forward. Maybe a few more clues or less? Maybe a distraction something to draw us in and really care about Julie.

1 "bedraggled" now there's a word you don't see everyday. I had to look it up. It means discheveled. Maybe go with the simpler one to not distract the reader so early.

1 Your action blocks are a tad chunky for my taste. It's not the worst I've ever seen, but for me, it's way too much black on the page. I'd try really hard not to go over 1 or 2 lines.

1 "Hangdog" - CORRECTION - AFTER FURTHER REVIEW, I DO KNOW WHAT "HANGDOG" MEANS. I just haven't used or heard it in a while. I tend to dwell in the 3rd grade reading level.
1 Can you actually 'hide behind' coffee?

1 INSERT: < What you have following that is a FLASHBACK, not an INSERT. If you take us back in time, make sure to END FLASHBACK so we know we're back in the present, otherwise the past and present meld and cause a Doc Brown style paradox and then we'll all be scewed! ;p

1 "spies" when I see this on a page, it never registers as a verb first, always as a noun first, due to commonality. Something that small can distract a readers flow of the story. I never use "spies, spy, eyes or eyeballs" as verbs because of it. Just sharing.

1 She emerges.... > That whole block can be combined and then broken up into 2 blocks. It would read much smoother.

1 She skirts along... > When you start a new slug, identify the character name early on in your action. It reassures the reader which keeps them atuned.

1 The staff present talk in small groups. > I didn't understand this line. xmas present? or is it just a typo 'the staff that 'is present' talk in....'?

1 Again, that's not an INSERT, it's a FLASHBACK. Make sure you format it properly so we don't get confused.

2 Are we still in the FLASHBACK/INSERT or did it end?

3 Still not sure if I'm in the past or present.

3 looks cooly < sounds a little weird when I read that in my head, maybe 'a sly glance' or something more familiar? Not sure.

4 Alright, now we'er getting down the nitty gritty! Go BUDDY!

6 The conversation on page 6 is a tad 'on the nose'. You have a very visual build up and then tell us the punch line in a closet.
even in the closet there could be lots of good character trait visuals and visable sexual tension. I think you can actually make the reveal even more of a drop if you say less and have her maybe be a little sexually advantages, leading him into it, etc... Basically, I hate being told the ending to a story.

6 HAHAHAHA!!!! You dirty dog! Funny twist.

KhamIsk
12-17-2012, 01:44 AM
The story is easy to follow once I got past the heavy blocks of description on first two pages. A quick glance over, by the way, shows the writing disbalance - heavy action in the first part and only dialog in second.
Is there a way make it look smoother?
Because I liked the idea of it and especially liked the funny "I owe you at the end". Could use a bit more of a story, something to foreshadow Buddy and her relationship. Maybe the boss is jealous and at first we think he likes only at the end learning that it's really Buddy the boss cares about.
I know you whipped up the story in the last day, so good job for such a short time!

Reef dreamer
12-18-2012, 12:08 PM
Hey Egg,

That was a fun tale. Yes, we know most of it in advance, but that's fine, we all enjoy that. We've been there, seen that, done that...although i don't recall the photocopier, too high and moving parts, the machine I mean. Oh you know...

ok, writing wise needs a polish but hell it was rushed and its Christmas.

My major issue was INSERT. This completely threw me. To me an insert is a close up on something like a letter or sign. What you were after is flashback, or sometimes if a few a quick flash...actually that sound quite appropriate!

Now, if I have this right, and old buddy is going in via the back door, which appeals to the boss, I just wonder whether we could do with a suggestion of this...maybe not...but it's a thought. You could have the girl mention buddy's ways would catch up with him.

I agree with Anthony that there is a good chance of a decent visual finish, the look on his face in the office. Even use of the blinds, switching on the camera, or maybe a cruel twist as its broadcast by accident. Actually lots of good options.

So, needs a tidy, a little more focus, but good fun and good potential. Filming in an office shouldn't be too difficult so chance of being filmed.

All the best.

alex whitmer
12-19-2012, 07:05 PM
Page 1 reveiw.

This …

JULIE (34), professional dress but slightly bedraggled,
armful of folders and takeaway coffee in hand.
Alone, she notices her reflection in the stainless steel
doors. Blurry and distorted, it matches her hangdog
demeanor. Hair and makeup fails to completely hide her
hangover.

There are three descriptions of Julie here: slightly bedraggled, hangdog demeanor, and hung over. I’m not sure what ‘hangdog’ means. Maybe it’s an Aussie thing, but mixing the three makes it hard for me to figure out exactly what she looks like.

Maybe try …

JULIE (34) professional dress, hung over, arms heavy with folders and takeaway coffee. Alone, she steals a glance at her reflection in the polished steel doors. Hangdog.

42 words down to 27.

Your slug says elevator, but you say she exits the lift.


Had to read this a few times …

She emerges onto the office floor. Less than half the
cubicles are occupied. The office is in a state of minor
disarray. Christmas decorations and streamers hang
everywhere. The staff present talk in small groups.

Since this is a new slug, start with Julie instead of she. You already had a ‘she’ and a ‘her’ in the preceding block. Ease up on the pronouns.

Your slug mentions ‘office’ so you can lose it in the text. Disarray would be the first obvious visual, so move that to the top. Half the cubicles are occupied? How many are we talking about, and if they are occupied, is the other half the folks who are in small groups? And from this vantage point, how do we know if the cubicles are empty or occupied?

You say ‘The staff present …’ Remember ‘present’ is a homonym, and I took it to mean ‘to present’ on first read.

Emerges? Isn’t that one does from shadow or a lake, or the like?

Maybe reorganize all this to something along these lines …

Minor disarray, Christmas decorations and streamers hung over and around cubicles. A dozen people chat in small groups. Julie enters.

35 words down to 20.

This …

She skirts along the wall with the fewest people.

What wall? Where are the cubicles? How many people are we talking about? 10? Dozens?

This ...

She reaches the photocopier. On the noticeboard above
someone has pinned a photocopy of the buttocks of someone
wearing stockings and a thong.

Notice board is two words. Is the photo copier not in a sep area?

Funny, I started something for this fest, and yup, a photocopier with ass. What’s a party without that?!

This …

The male of the amorous couple lifts the female onto the
photocopier. Without skipping a beat they continue their
urgent passion, the copier flashes.

Oh, it’s a male and female. That wasn’t in the original intro.

This …

Julie blushes and turns directly away from the photocopier and hurries on. She raises her folders to partially
hide her face as she passes a small group in a cubicle, laughter.

How big is this place. Sounds dang huge.

And ...

She passes the water cooler, a small group of men excitedly
ponder a beer bottle somehow floating inside.

This is funny. How to amuse a drunken office worker.

a

Chris_Keaton
01-01-2013, 09:43 AM
HAHAHA, the second funny one! I love it. Your descriptions are getting better. You may want to break up some of your actions so we feel the action better. But what a great twist. I love it!