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Sunk99
09-05-2012, 05:52 PM
59550

Chris_Keaton
09-05-2012, 09:20 PM
Is this a horror about Geo-caching?

Egg Born Son
09-05-2012, 09:25 PM
Woo hoo, we only need one more entrant to hit double figures.

The title didn't do anything for me until I saw the poster. The possibilities... love it!

KhamIsk
09-05-2012, 11:44 PM
So many different settings this time! It's a very promising fest.

Russell Moore
09-06-2012, 12:11 PM
Title and poster combined have the wheels turning, looking forward to reading.

Sunk99
09-06-2012, 03:55 PM
Is this a horror about Geo-caching?
Yes, a form of geo caching - geo war. You track people rather than hidden items. We were going to do a geo caching short for the 48 Hour Film Festival and had a dozen genre senarios. Wound up doing a commercial spoof. This is one of the senarios. It's laid out to be cheap, easy to film (daylight converted in AE). We look forward to the crane and slide shots offered. Oct 2012 production.

Egg Born Son
09-11-2012, 03:47 AM
First off, before we even get to the story, this was a beautiful script. Lean, mean, reads at a hundred miles an hour. The descriptions were economical, the layout presented no obstacles. No unnecessary slugs or directions. This is the kind of script you want to make because it gives you everything you need and room to put yourself into it. This is the ultimate goal that I am currently trying to develop in my own writing as I try to put the more 'complete' and fanciful prose style behind me.

The plot was focused, characters had character and their youthful dialogue rang true. The pacing of the misdirections was spot on. While some horror conventions were applied (false scare) it didn't really feel like a horror, nothing tested the limits of credibility on either supernatural or extremes of human behaviour. It was fully believeable, even based on a true story according to the super. All other requirements were fully met. I could only find three points that need to be addressed, detailed below.


Second scene, park - night. 'She doesn't hear him...' She him, it's a new scene we need to know who 'she' and 'he' is. You could either add this line to the previous scene or combine the two scenes as one as describe them first in the vehicle then out of the vehicle. This could be tricky since they drove there, didn't start there. Or you could use the inelegant CONTINUED slug. Perhaps:

BILLY
Tina, who did you...

She doesn't hear him as she launches (corrected to present tense) herself, diving from the car.

EXT. PARK - NIGHT

Tina, diving from the car rolls a few times and comes up with a pistol...



The scene where Tina catches them at the same time as they realise someone is shooting for real is a bit problematic. I see what you were trying to do, overlapping the events but I had to read it almost a dozen times to realise that 'Bastard!' referred to Billy and not the shooter and I believe it will be equally confusing on screen, where you don't have the luxury of re-reading. I understand she is upset with him but I think one reacts to someone shooting for real before a cheating boyfriend. Reorganise the timeline a touch so that the gun blast comes after 'Bastard!' interrupting her about to go mental so the sequence of events and motivations is clear. It also means that Billy explaining what a muggle is to stephanie doesn't result in him directly ignoring his girlfriend (immediately after being shouted at) to provide dictionary services to the girl he is innocent of cheating with. If she says bastard and then the gun blasts it is logical that a man would see that an explanation pertaining to immediate survival being higher on the hierarchy of shit to deal with in the moment. And equally believeable that a jealous woman might not understand that choice.


I don't understand the 'Game over. You lose.' text message. Did the game organiser set this up? How? The old woman went out into the woods of her own volition. There is no other indication of malicious intent on the part of the organiser. It is a nicely timed image but if it is simply an ironically timed message to say he is dead, it's too much of a stretch that it comes this late. Additionally a participant by your internal rules has to claim a kill before it is registered. Who called the cops? They would have had to be called in response to the shotgun blasts to be on their way, not the pistol which the old man might identify as not belonging to the (somewhat murderous) old woman. I think maybe best to abandon the closing shot which you are no doubt in love with and maybe focus on Billy and Tina's relationship. Perhaps he can be trying to convince her dead body of his innocence. Keep the sirens.


I totally see this one being made. Simple, effective.

Reef dreamer
09-11-2012, 05:40 AM
As we go;

Nice fast, action start, just clear enough what was happening
p2 action bit heavy
greg talking out loud - insert the text off the phone would seem more sensible
Are they hurt ? I just wonder whether this will be resolved, let's see
Tina - she's In a different location so a mini slug maybe best for explaining eg
CAR PARK
tina kneels down etc
or I think some have used the names as mini slugs so;
GREG
Runs along as
TINA
Reads her phone etc
one to play around with the format so it is clear

Characters - just a point but I have no ages for these, or descriptions. At night, in the woods maybe not so important but may help
Small point no page numbers
Tom - not introduced, I had to check whether I had seen him before
Stephanie and Billy, I undstood why etc just seemed a little forced
shooting and the lady - yeah nice idea how a misunderstanding escalates it was just a little too quick and without foreshadowing for me. We didn't know he had a gun etc. so I think this could work just a slight re ordering to make it flow.

Now it certainly has a game element but is this horror? I haven't written horror before so not my best genre but in some ways this feels more drama.

All the best

krestofre
09-11-2012, 07:06 AM
I completely agree with Egg Born Son on this one. Your writing is tight yet descriptive and it flows like a script should flow.

I also agree that I didn't get the "Game over..." text message. Since two people were confused by that, and especially since you're planning on shooting this script, I'd revisit that ending to clean up what's going on. Was the old lady confused or was there malice involved? Did she send the text message? That implies malice, but I'm not sure that's what's happening. Etc.

Thanks for entering!

Bill Clar
09-11-2012, 08:17 AM
Can you tell us anything about Billy and Tina?

I like the idea of kids with guns. They're in over their heads the moment you introduce a real killer or soldier.

Your action paragraphs are a bit lengthy. It makes for a slower read. Try breaking them up.

On page (no page numbers?) two, Stephanie "She checks her six". Not everyone knows what that means.

Old lady with a shotgun! Hell yeah! Hope she channels Ruth Gordon from "Any Which Way You Can". (Old lady shoots the hell outta some bikers).

"He chambers a round and moves toward the woods.". Why would he load one round? Probably easier to assume the gun is loaded.

Great premise with tight action.

I assume Greg or Donna told Billy "Game over"?

Sunk99
09-11-2012, 08:43 AM
Egg,
Thanks so much for the review. I see what you mean about the scene change and names. On screen of course this would be evident, but not in the script as you point out. I'll adopt this change thanks. On the shotgun blast order of events. I'm very happy you did get the nuance difference in the female reaction vs male. I understand what you are saying here, but I don't agree on the order. This sequence will last ten seconds longest. Tina reacts to the shotgun. Turns around and reacts to the boyfriend. She then throws off logic and goes into the woods. Billy on the other hand reacts to the shotgun. Answers what he thinks - muggle. Takes note his girlfriend being pissed. Gets protection. This order of events seems logical to me. Game over text. Good catch. In one of the script drafts I mentioned in the car they were late and showed a count down timer on the cell at 8 minutes. These geo battles last ten minutes, which drives more action. I need to add that back in and show a count down on each cell shown. Cops - another good catch thanks. I'll have her husband do that. Nope - not in love with any parts here. If I hear a better idea I'll use it. I thank you again for the great critique. BTW - we had plans to film this one in October, but other events will push it out until spring. Halloween shorts. :)

Egg Born Son
09-11-2012, 09:16 AM
Glad it helped. I always try to give the writer a window through which to see their script with fresh eyes. If I have a perspective I share. 'I liked it' or 'I hated it' doesn't help anyone. By the third or fourth revision you can get so caught up in details you lose the bigger picture. Or as you did find an edit can have consequences elsewhere in the script with untethered payoffs and orphaned plants. But in the end the writer is always right and need only bow to their audience as far as they are willing.

Sunk99
09-11-2012, 09:28 AM
Reef,
Thanks for the critique. Re Greg reading text. Yes, the text on the cell would be shown on screen. I don't like making the audience rely only on reading so I have him read it for them. To me it's a cinematic decision. Are they hurt? I was hoping I tricked you enough to think Billy was really killed.
Tina - she's In a different location. Good point - she goes right while he left into the woods. Will add this.
Used the names as mini slugs. That works. I used "elsewhere." Always an issue with one scene location.
The actual shooting script does literally break the story up into scenes based upon characters shown.
Ages - none given just young. Could be high school to college.
No page numbers. Sorry my bad on pdf conversion.
Tom - not introduced. Hmmm ... interesting. He was never shown before he spoke. You pointed ou a issue here I need to fix. Thanks. The action "Tom comes out of the bushes as she gets up." needs moved to just behind his first dialogue which needs (O.S) added. Thanks.
Is this horror? I'm borderline horror-drama myself. I don't like blood and gore or monster stuff. So this is about as close as I come.
Again, thanks for the great input.

Sunk99
09-11-2012, 09:37 AM
Bill,

Thanks for the input.
Can you tell us anything about Billy and Tina? ***Not really - young couple. The director can decide the rest.
I like the idea of kids with guns. They're in over their heads the moment you introduce a real killer or soldier. ***Glad I was able to confuse you and it worked.
Your action paragraphs are a bit lengthy. ***I've been told this before. You're not wrong, but I don't agree with this philosophy from a directors standpoint. I have written scripts where I played with action to achieve quicker reading pacing. Usually, however, what is being shown on each quick paced line stands alone as a shot. The 4-5 line sequences in this script are for the most part taken in one shot with multiple camera angles. If I needed to move the cameras into another shot then yes I would consider breaking the action into multiple paragraphs. Likely I would do such in conversion to a shooting script.

"She checks her six". Not everyone knows what that means. ***I agree, but I'm not changing it. :) I have to laugh. You used word "ostentatious" in your opening scene. Wan'na beat which is better know?

Old lady with a shotgun! ***Old people make great charcters don't they. I love the commercial showing the old couple on a yacht and the narrator discussing retirement. Then he mentions your retirement could be jeopardized if you were ripped off. Like this old couple did. Everybody thinks old people are nice. I think the FilmRiot guy uses his young daughter as the evil person - I love it. So unexpected.

Why would he load one round? ***Good point. He checks to make sure it's loaded.

I assume Greg or Donna told Billy "Game over"? ***Auto geo battle software - times up. Billy was killed in the opening.

Again thanks for the input. I'm dying for critiques/editing of my writing. I posted something on the writings forum - got one bite.

Sunk99
09-11-2012, 09:39 AM
Chris,
Yep, yep. I agree - it will be fixed. Your picture - you are a dead ringer for my son-in-law. Look forward to reading your story. You guys are all fast readers.

Sunk99
09-11-2012, 09:47 AM
Egg, I wish more people had your attitude. My regular editor recently had a baby and no longer has the time. I'm dying for people to rip my stories up. Agree - I liked it means nothing to me either from a writers perspective. Liked what specifically has a little bit of use. Hates this specifically has great use. I also appreicate having simple grammar errors pointed out.

Egg Born Son
09-11-2012, 09:48 AM
I'm dying for critiques/editing of my writing. I posted something on the writings forum - got one bite.

That's what's so good about these fests.

Chris_Keaton
09-11-2012, 04:56 PM
A true event!

- Teaches that lady not to run out and shoot at people.

- Your descriptions are bit bloated. Remember an action block should what you are seeing in a shot. And if it still comes out fat, trim and compress for the love of white space. Just makes a smoother read.

- That guy is a crack shot, unlucky for him since he shot Tina and the old lady.

This would be a good short, but if this is a real, true story it could be great. The thought that it really happened kind of ramps up the drama.

Russell Moore
09-12-2012, 12:04 AM
Ok, I feel a little late for the party here (I'm not getting these read as fast as I'd like)...pretty much everything I wanted to say has been said and addressed e.g the "Game Over. You Lose" line.. Apologies if that sounds like a cop out, but no point in being redundant. Even though I may end up repeating some of it anyway. I'll try to touch on a cpl of points I don't think were mentioned.
Your writing flows well, it is concise and to the point without a lot of fluff. Nice.

The opening scene, where Tina does the jump and roll from the car struck me as such a cliche it was hard to take seriously, however when we learn later on that these are "kids" goofing around, playing a game. It made sense to me and felt it worked in that context.

I thought you made the game seem real and I thought these people were getting killed. Nice turn of events.

Billy's line....Donna. Good I hate that bitch. She's good as dead.....seems unrealistic that he is just saying this to no one or thinking out loud. I can see how it may set up the premise that this is real and makes him sound like he actually wants to kill Donna, but it doesn't sound real to me.

That said, I thought the dialogue Billy and Tina and then later Billy and Stephanie sounded genuine.

A human scream? This just sounds odd...are we not supposed to be able to distinguish it from male or female? Granted you're going to shoot this, so it may be obvious then.

LOVE the old lady with the shotgun.

I know the ending has been mentioned and addressed, but I was bit confused as well. There is a shot and then a human scream and then Tina comes out of the woods. So who was shot? I understand that Tina is upset with Billy, but would she really run back into the woods? I assume she would have had even been closer to the shooting and screaming than Billy and Stephanie, so as pissed as she is, I can't imagine her running back into the woods.

Could it work better if everything from "Tina comes out of the woods" to the dialogue...BILLY "Damn" is just taken out of the script? Just my opinion, but the action seems to flow better this way and you still get the same result.

I do like the ending, that what turns out not to be a deadly game turns into deadly reality, there is certainly some horror there (the reality of death and how quickly events can turn) and it seems like some liberties have been taken with what is or isn't horror (my script included.) in this fest so far, but I've only read three scripts.

I think you have a good idea and it could make for a good/intense short and I would be interested in seeing the final product and how it turns out.

KhamIsk
09-12-2012, 12:04 PM
Hi Sunk,

I liked very much their game. So the way to prove one killed another is the possession of the "thing" around one's neck - interesting.

Didn't understand why the woman went on a shooting spree all of the sudden - think she needs a reason.
And also the way Stephanie clings to Billy is a bit off, I think, kind of soap-operish. . If she's doing that for protection Tina would have understood, I think.

I'd also like a bit more character from them - right now all those young adults are sort of alike for me.

It's a very clever idea.

Sunk99
09-12-2012, 06:01 PM
A human scream? This just sounds odd...are we not supposed to be able to distinguish it from male or female? Granted you're going to shoot this, so it may be obvious then.
Guy-Gal - it really didn't matter to me, hence human. I've changed it to a male.


I know the ending has been mentioned and addressed, but I was bit confused as well. There is a shot and then a human scream and then Tina comes out of the woods. So who was shot? I understand that Tina is upset with Billy, but would she really run back into the woods? I assume she would have had even been closer to the shooting and screaming than Billy and Stephanie, so as pissed as she is, I can't imagine her running back into the woods.
I've changed the ending to clear up the issue with the final text and added a one-liner at the start on the cell phone to show a countdown clock is running. Games are ten minutes. Greg, the game leader, (he text the next target you may recall)
sends the final game over message to everyone.
Who was shot? A male player, no name required, in the woods by the old lady. It's rock salt. It's hurts, not kills. :)
Would she really run back into the woods? Hmmm...would a very upset teenage girl run into the woods without thinking? Need I say more?


I would be interested in seeing the final product and how it turns out.
I'll post it on DVX.

I thank you and the others for the great input. For sure this fest has helped tighten up this script and it is deeply appreciated. I look forward to shooting this one as I've never done a night action production. So far my testing has not gone well as it really takes a lot of light to film at night in the dark woods - go figure. Might do a day shoot and convert in post, but then it'll take the fun out of it. I'd like to do a full moon test 29 Sept and check out the difference, but, I have a ten hour daytime zombie film shoot that day. :) Darn zombies! That zombie one will be a fun shoot here in Detroit. Hopefully, fingers crossed, people will see a Chevy commercial with zombies in October. Again thanks - having fun.

Sunk99
09-12-2012, 06:17 PM
Hi KhamIsk,


So the way to prove one killed another is the possession of the "thing" around one's neck - interesting.
It's just duct tape on the shirt which has a number on it. Else, some teenaged boy, would just report killing everyone and ruin the game. So you must get their number.


Didn't understand why the woman went on a shooting spree all of the sudden - think she needs a reason.
Her first dialogue is - "George! Those damn poachers are back." Not a shooting spree. She is just going to pepper their butts with rock salt. She says that in her second line "Eat rock-salt!"
Hmmm...I'm an old critter. Hadn't really considered younger people might not be aware of shooting rock salt.


And also the way Stephanie clings to Billy is a bit off, I think, kind of soap-operish. . If she's doing that for protection Tina would have understood, I think.
Protection? Heck no - she's moving in on him. Sorry - I tried to make that clear in a little space. I think you bring up a good idea though. I'll have her grin when Tina storms off. She's a hussie.


I'd also like a bit more character from them - right now all those young adults are sort of alike for me.
I wish. Tough to do in a short short with so many characters. I did try. Any ideas without adding time? Hopefully the actors will add their own take.

Thanks for the read and input. Much appreciated.

KhamIsk
09-12-2012, 11:34 PM
Her first dialogue is - "George! Those damn poachers are back." Not a shooting spree. She is just going to pepper their butts with rock salt. She says that in her second line "Eat rock-salt!"
Hmmm...I'm an old critter. Hadn't really considered younger people might not be aware of shooting rock salt.




I didn't miss that part and I know very well about rock salt:) I guess I misspoke - this part is a bit random for me - a bit sudden and too funny for a script like that. But looks like I'm alone on this.