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dtroop506
09-03-2012, 08:26 AM
A disturbed young woman is sent to live with her Aunt and Uncle after the tragic death of her parents. She stands to inherit a fortune on her twenty-first birthday unless she is found mentally insane. Let the games begin.

Chris_Keaton
09-03-2012, 09:49 AM
Oh, now this has me very interested.

Russell Moore
09-03-2012, 11:29 AM
You got me hook, logline and sinker.

Awesome poster as well.

Reef dreamer
09-03-2012, 11:44 AM
Where do all you lot get your posters - my poster envy just gets worse and worse!

As for an idea, yours just sounds far more sophisticated than mine. Mind you that's not difficult.

Looking forward to reading this David

Cheers

Bill

Chris_Keaton
09-03-2012, 06:26 PM
Usually I make mine...when I find a suitable image to work off of.

Egg Born Son
09-03-2012, 09:16 PM
Awesome hook. Most solid logline so far.

Bill Clar
09-04-2012, 07:38 AM
I'm hooked.

David, I didn't know you were a DVX'er. :beer:

KhamIsk
09-04-2012, 11:50 AM
Spooky! I'm ready to read it!

dtroop506
09-04-2012, 04:09 PM
Bill,
Neither did I.
Sometimes, Chris Keaton has some good ideas. And he is very generous with the page count.
Also, on MP, I can only enter 6 contests. Here I can enter all of them!
And as long as Travis DeStein doesn't find out about this site, I do pretty well.

Cheers

dtroop506
09-04-2012, 04:12 PM
Thanks for all the kind words, eveybody.

I hope I can get it done in time, and I hope it's half as good as the logline.

dtroop506
09-07-2012, 08:48 PM
Script completed at 10:30 pm.
Script uploaded at 10:45 pm.

When is the deadline again ?

Egg Born Son
09-07-2012, 10:34 PM
10.44 pm. Sorry. Maybe next time.

Reef dreamer
09-09-2012, 05:15 AM
looking forward to reading this one David, so make sure you finish:)

cheers

bill

Edit - just seen it is posted!! Great.

Reef dreamer
09-11-2012, 02:06 AM
Couldn't resist by starting with a DMT script.

Love the front cover - spot on

At first my IPAD was telling me this was 23 pages - referee!! :huh: But then i found out there are two empty pages. Before reading the script, i have to say i love the idea but it does seem quite a challenge. Not an easy script to pull off, well not to me. Lets see...

p1 "looks right through me" - foreshadow? or red herring, or neither?
p2 - continuous - the use of this has been an interesting debate elsewhere and i've never really got a handle on it, but to me its used in a big scene where different things are happening but you want to link them. just saying, useful to discuss.
p3 - title card or super - 10 years later. just a thought, mind you pretty obvious whats happened
p3 POV's a classic look up and look down from the window, seems fitting
so far, nicely written, tight and to the point. good.
p4 oh now you have a super!! what a clever lad i am, just would have put it earlier but both work
p7 poppycock - haven't read that one for a while
p9 aunt sarah - i can picture the scene and why she does it, bit is it a bit long, bit on the nose?
p11 nice twist
p12 just got lost for a second with who we were watching at the front door - is there a time lapse? yes, there is...needs a slug
p14 do you need flashback with the series of shots?
p16 flashback needed for previous night scene?
p17 if albert was killed in her room there would be a lot of blood then leading down the stairs - maybe this will be explained?
p19 note - we don't get to see this, but i suppose we assume it is an explanation for why the auntie killed the uncle. maybe one clarify.
ending - i liked the twist with the doctor, held true. what i did wonder about was his motivation. could you end with another sinister suggestion that he has a plan as well?
The pills - i get the fact they were not lethal, but were they meant to be anything else?
Also, if the doctor was working with the girl, why did he come up with a plan that involved risking her life. could he not have just lied about the trustees and then on her birthday come to collect her? just wonder.

Cleverly you didn't spend lots of time on how she was looked after over the years and cut to the chase at the end. I wondered how you would do that part.

otherwise, a fine read, an enjoyable story and well done.

cheers

bill

Egg Born Son
09-11-2012, 03:53 AM
This is a really good story with very little to complain about. Most of my criticisms are centred around convention and formatting so apply or ignore or argue the point at your own discretion. I only found a handful of story/character points that could do with examining and tweaking if you agree. Let's get on with it.

Minor, minor thing. I didn't like the use of the word 'sniffs' the pillow. A rather vulgar word for a sensitive act in grief of holding on to someone's smell. I see why you used it though, off the top of my head I can't think of a way to describe the act without taking the better part of a paragraph to do so.

Directing in the script. The POV shots might help as a director's note but don't add much to the script. You've used them a number of times but the descriptions that follow them work just as well without the slugs.

Page 5, cont'd unnecessary, possibly even incorrect given actions have occurred between his two lines.

Page 6, 'everyone will get what they deserve' casual yet deliciously ominous

Page 9, 'i've done all these horrible things' didn't sit right for me with the character. perhaps a more ambiguous approach as she used in the monologue preceeding eg 'everything i've done and people will think you're the insane one'. I don't think the character you've built could actually say the word horrible, but she'd be thinking it.

When she takes the pills at the very end is it supposed to mean anything more than to indicate they weren't comatose inducing? If the Doctor was giving her pills to make her compliant in order to pursue his own interest in her fortune then it needs something more (if only a hint) because I couldn't see anything more to reinforce that interpretation. And if it is just to prove they are placebos then the timing is off. In this instance perhaps she could take a pill with her beverage in front of the policeman earlier in the piece. It might work better because the revelation has already been long made by this point.

In general your TIME declarations in your scene headers are almost all either redundant or unnecessary. LATER is obviously later because it comes after. MOMENTS LATER isn't something the audience is going to see. DAY and NIGHT, possibly DAWN and SUNSET are more useful. The real intent of this line is to indicate whether to use silks and reflectors or lights and what kind. Doesn't kill the script, just a technical point. EDIT: Actually, reading further they do affect the script, they are annoying. You are micromanaging the pacing. Just tell me what room we're in now and whether it's day or night. They're breaking my reading flow, man!


I really liked this one. The double twist ending worked really well. I figured the girl was going to turn it on them but the doctor's part fooled me. The characters were well realised, the points I mentioned above are the only suggestions I have, you did a great job with them. The plot was rock solid. Every time I had an 'a-ha I got you' moment on a point of logic you dashed me with a rational explanation moments later (how does a comatose person write a note :)). I can totally see this being made and you fully met the conditions of GAMES, AFFORDABLE and ONE LOCATION. Given how fun 52D was I wasn't expecting this. It shows some real depth to your writing talent (in spite of some formatting breaches) there is a real maturity to your writing style. Look forward to your next entry in the next fest.

Egg Born Son
09-11-2012, 03:57 AM
Also, if the doctor was working with the girl, why did he come up with a plan that involved risking her life. could he not have just lied about the trustees and then on her birthday come to collect her? just wonder.


Hey, I was so engrossed in the story that I didn't even pick up on that. EDIT: Actually, no - re-reading, the revenge motive is planted with the flashbacks (implied impropriety, she has motive). Getting her inheritance is not prize enough. Although this motive doesn't work as neatly if the doctor is manipulating her, only if she is an equal or dominant driver in the revenge plan.

Reef dreamer
09-11-2012, 06:19 AM
Hey, I was so engrossed in the story that I didn't even pick up on that. EDIT: Actually, no - re-reading, the revenge motive is planted with the flashbacks (implied impropriety, she has motive). Getting her inheritance is not prize enough. Although this motive doesn't work as neatly if the doctor is manipulating her, only if she is an equal or dominant driver in the revenge plan.

Yeah, the revenge play does work but one thing niggled me this morning whilst sat in a boring meeting, namely the motives of the doctor and the girl. At some point the doctor has agreed to tend to the girl. If he started out bad, which is the most likely suggestion otherwise he starts out pretending which seems strange, he has been turned during this process by the girl.ie he has fallen for her. If so, she has used him to gain an outcome. My conclusion at the end of this ramble would be that another suitable conclusion of this would be her to turn against the doctor now she has achieved what she needed to do. A final twist.:huh:

Just a thought.

krestofre
09-11-2012, 09:23 AM
I feel like I missed something. I really liked this script. The story held me. The descriptions of the locations and people were very well imagined. The twist got me.

What I didn't understand is why did she take two pills before kissing the doctor? I feel like that was supposed to tell me something and I missed it. Obviously the pills were not affecting her the way the Aunt and Uncle thought they were, but why pop two more at the end?

Still, a very good script.

dtroop506
09-11-2012, 03:58 PM
Thanks for all the great comments and suggestions so far. I think I'm going to wait until everyone has a chance to read and comment before I respond.
I don't want to spoil anything. And besides, one of you may have a better explaination than I do. :)

Sunk99
09-11-2012, 06:21 PM
Comments as read-

***Whoa 20 pages. Very long for a short. I know the rules allow it. By the bookmarks it appears all at one manor. Manors are usually not something easily obtainable for a short. We shall see how it reads. BTW - you live in Schuylkill Haven and you didn't use that name for a horror location? Skull-kill haven sounds scary to me. :)

Pg 2
"...shouldn't be very difficult when the times comes." *** Run kid! And grab the deed on the way out the door.
"Mothers and Fathers" clothes are novelistic. All we see are clothes and must assume they are the parents.
Pg 4 very odd time for a transition.
Pg 5 Depression? Auntie drugged the oatmeal! Run! Dumb doctor he is. :) Didn't she watch 6th Sense? No - guess she is too young.
Pg 6 21? 18 is legal age. Drinking is 21.
Pg 7 Darn doctor is in on it. We hate dirty doctors!
Pg 10 With full feature scripts I give until page ten to have me hooked. If not I quit reading. I think what was shown so far could have been well captured in just a few pages. This is written for a feature. A short? Not short enough. The pacing is slow I believe.
Pg 11 You spilled the beans about the doctor being in on it. Don't tell all too early. Keep some mystery.
Pg 13 Flashbacks really sound like Sherlock Holmes. :) If this is not a period piece the dialogue is not realistic.
Pg 14 10? Flashback?
Pg 16 Confused me here as Albert is back alive. But, this is supposed to be a flashback. Need to label these as flashback.
Protrudes from his chest? I thought his throat was cut?
Okay the bed was empty when Auntie knifes it. You need to go back to the Uncle part then and take out "Abigail lies in bed..." What you need to show is bed covers with a bump.
Pg 18 So the doctor is a double spy. :) Or whatever you call a side switcher. He should have been a lawyer - more believable. ;)
Pg 20 Hmmm...huge age difference here. When did they have time to get to know each other? So why help the Aunt/Uncle then turn around and kill them? Understand the pills were placebos and that was an explanation.

Overall- way, way to long. By the location, speech, and descriptions I take it this is a periord piece. That and the hall make this an expensive shoot I should think.
I don't buy the old doctor and younger girl relationship.
A good story with some good twists overall.

KhamIsk
09-12-2012, 12:10 AM
Hey David,

It was very fast read for me, didn't fell like 19 or whatever pages. It got Agatha Christie vibe from it.
It's very well put together logic wise - no holes, so I got no questions for you. The dialog is great, just the right amount.

A small thing - when Inspector Wilson asked Doctor Reeves if Doctor were paying visits (p15) the Doctors reply was "she has had a bad case of the flu" when her aunt and uncle told the board of trustees that Abigail was mentally ill. The inspector is supposed to know then that Doctor was coming often for that.

I think a lot of work went into this. Should have - it's a periodic piece but flows very nicely, their speech is wonderfully authentic. The other thing is - I really liked the way you structured this. No flashbacks, yet you managed to include both her early years and her present. Also the transition to the present - first you have Abigail in her 20s, then super - that's a nice touch.
Best of all was the Inspector part for me. I think it's a very strong short Dave.

DarrenJSeeley
09-12-2012, 11:00 AM
While that title page gave me pause - I'm a 12 pt courier traditionalist, what can I say ? - overall I liked the read. But I didn't love it. "The Doctor" is sometimes substituted for 'Doctor Reeves' in the narrative. That may sound like I'm getting a little nitpicky, but actually I would just prefer 'Reeves'. (This is also true of The Inspector. Likewise if you dropped 'Aunt and Uncle' off Sara and Albert, you wouldn't lose much.) There's no other characters that have names similar to any other, so it wouldn't be confusing. I also thought the monolog on p9 was a bit long and could be broken up somehow. If it's filmed I'm sure something could be done with it visually, but on the page it didn't work for me.

I also got a little tired of characters entering and leaving. One character (Reeves) even does it twice - second time with a POV shot.

p16 and 18
Put in a little bit of narrative before the characters talk.

Overall, it's good. Best entry thus far...
even if the game is 'a mind game'...

Russell Moore
09-13-2012, 10:02 AM
Okay I'm late to the party again. Seems most of what I had to say ahs already been said.

I like the premise, you create some nice visuals. Abigail standing over the grave with mansion and Aunt in the B.G.....you created a nice atmosphere throughout.

The story drags a bit in the setup. Would be nice to see it tightened up a bit. Page 9, Aunt Sarah...Holy expository on the nose long winded dialogue! :tongue:

I like the twist and how it played out. When she takes the pills before she kisses the Doctor...Was that to show that they were placebos and thus harmless?

Overall a good entertaining story with a nice twist and some good visuals.

Chris_Keaton
09-16-2012, 08:54 AM
Lose that funky title. It's non standard and made me skip your screenplay until last worried it to would be amateurish. < see this is why there are standards.

Overall this was a fantastic read, very smooth, nothing at all tripped me up. I would say that the twist in the end wasn't telegraphed as much as I would like, but it actually works fine. I think it would be difficult for a person who plays dead for 10 years to be overpowering anyone, but that's a refrigerator item. This is one of the best of the fest. Great job!

Bill Clar
09-18-2012, 01:49 PM
I like the lack of warmth in the manor. All characters are devoid of any emotion except sadness or indifference.

Nice twist with the doctor's involvement in the scheme.

I'd like to see Abigail more involved. She's too passive at this point (page 9).

Why would Sarah give a lengthy confession to Abigail? She's taking a big risk.

Another twist. The doc's a double agent. I like it!

Why does Abigail pop the pills in the end? Is it to show that the pills Dr. Reeves prescribed are harmless?

I like the story but the pace could tighten up. The lack of an active protagonist in the first half reduces the conflict and makes me less inclined to turn the page.

dtroop506
09-29-2012, 12:16 PM
Thanks everyone for all your comments and suggestions.

Most of you had the same responses so it will be easy to reply.


:shocked:
HOW LONG IS IT?!
I couldn't resist taking the opportinity to expand the script given the generous page count.
I always wanted to write one of those old horror movies that take place back in time in the English countryside at an old stone manor surrounded by fog cut off from real life. I wanted to slow the pace down and create the right mood.
I apologize to all the five-page-short purists, but, hey, seize the day.

Funky Font
Sorry for my unprofessional title font. Especially Chris, who we all know is a 12 point Courier man.
My software has lots of cool extras I suppose I will never get to flaunt. :embarasse

HOLY CONTINUOUS
Also, I agree I went crazy with the slugs this time. Again, I blame my software for including CONTINUOUS,
LATER, MOMENTS LATER, etc. I thought it might prevent confusion, but it seemed to cause it.

THE PILLS
The pills were definately harmless. I had Abs pop two more before she kisses the Doc to show they were nothing more than candy or a mint.
More confusion. I thought if I didn't mention it, it would be a hole.
Eggy suggested popping the pills ealier in the scene. Good idea. I'll have Abs pop them infront of the Inspector and explain they are vitamins.

SHUT UP, YA OLD WIND BAG! :violin:
Aunt Sarah's marathonlogue.
I know it's useless to defend it, but... perhaps Sarah feels a tad guilty for her actions and needs to clear her conscious.
Since she is convinced Abs is a veg, why not?
Also, in retrospect, when you realize Abs is fully awake, the scene takes on a more chilling feel. You can imagine the rage building up inside her although she cannot show it.
But in movieland, I realize a person cannot speak more than five lines without an action taking place to interrupt what I like to call conversation.

Also, about being On The Nose. I realize there are a lot of viewers who are not as, shall I say, smart as we writers.
This is just my way of including the entire audience and making sure everyone is on the same page. :smile:

PLOT? WHAT PLOT?!
:huh: I was glad I didn't lose any of you with the plot.

Okay, at some time, Abs and Reeves fall in love. This has to happen first. I don't want to gross anyone out, so I'll say it happened more recently, say when she was 19 and he was early 30s. It can happen.

Next, Abs has to propose the murder scheme to avenge her parents and get revenge for herself. Abigail knows she will never see her inheritence and may suffer an accident like her parents.
They must make it look like a murder / suicide in order to avoid suspicion and prison. To really clinch it, they need a suicide note written by Aunt Sarah.

Reeves approaches Sarah and Albert with the idea of drugging Abs and having her committed. As her doctor, he can keep her out of the picture indefinately. This will turn the family fortune over to them and he will get a nice reward. Once Reeves gains their trust, he pretty much can run the show. This also has Abs and Reeves holding all the cards. And it prevents Sarah and Albert from murdering Abigail as long as they are satisfied they will get everything.

As Abigail's 21st birthday approaches (as well as page 20) it is time to act. Reeves explains to them they must come up with another plan.

Although it seems dangerous, Abigail and Reeves are in control of the situation at all times. And they need Sarah to write that note.

IS IT LOVE? :love4:
Some suggested there might be alterior motives with Aibigail and Reeves. Are they really in love or are they using each other?
I admit a third twist is always tempting to consider, but I feel they are truly in love. However, in the future, after they are married and Reeves is entitled to the fortune, things could change. But, this would have made the script even longer and two things would have happened... I would have been DQ'd and nobody would have read a 40 page short.


Again, thanks for all your comments and suggestions. I will definately use them in the tweeking stage.

This was a great experience for me. Thanks to Chris for the chance to write outside the box.

I hope to see all of you at the next Fest!

Cheers! :beer:

Egg Born Son
09-29-2012, 07:38 PM
IS IT LOVE? :love4:
Some suggested there might be alterior motives with Aibigail and Reeves. Are they really in love or are they using each other?
I admit a third twist is always tempting to consider, but I feel they are truly in love. However, in the future, after they are married and Reeves is entitled to the fortune, things could change. But, this would have made the script even longer and two things would have happened... I would have been DQ'd and nobody would have read a 40 page short.


Consider leaving some raised questions open. Plant a hint that suggests either way and leave it to the audience. With a strong resolution to the primary plot elements and themes its okay, even advisable to leave some fringe questions open, give the audience something to discuss after they walk out.


Congratulations on your placing. Like most of us that tackled longer pieces I'm sure you were pushed for revision time which would have taken care of the minor issues.



I always wanted to write one of those old horror movies that take place back in time in the English countryside at an old stone manor surrounded by fog cut off from real life. I wanted to slow the pace down and create the right mood.


Love that you did this.

Chris_Keaton
09-30-2012, 07:53 AM
There's nothing like the double reverse. Maybe Abi kills the doc now that she is saved for being a disgusting perv. :) If there love affair started earlier.

dtroop506
09-30-2012, 08:10 AM
@Eggy

The more I think about it, the more I agree with you. If I would have had more time I probably would have put in a scene at the end similar to this.

ABIGAIL
Do you really think it's necessary?

REEVES
We don't want to give the police any reason to doubt us.

ABIGAIL
Yes, I suppose so.

She walks over to him and they embrace. Puts her head on his shoulder.

ABIGAIL
At this rate, we'll never be married.

REEVES
All in due time, my love. We will one day be husband and wife. I promise you that.

ABIGAIL
Oh, darling. Till death due us part.

REEVES
Yes, my love. Till death due us part.



Maybe not so cheesy, but something like that. I think it points more to Reeves being the bad guy.


@Chris

Watch it, pal. My wife is twelve years younger than I am. Of course, we met when she was 26 and I was 38.
She always says she wishes we would have met sooner. But then I remind her I would have probably been arrested.

Chris_Keaton
09-30-2012, 05:48 PM
@Chris

Watch it, pal. My wife is twelve years younger than I am. Of course, we met when she was 26 and I was 38.
She always says she wishes we would have met sooner. But then I remind her I would have probably been arrested.

LOL