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Reef dreamer
08-31-2012, 05:28 AM
Starting this thread will hopefully spur me to enter.

Logline suggestions;

1) If you choose to play Spin the Bottle, be prepared for the unexpected - especially if you choose the wrong bottle.

Or

2) A student party turns sour after using an artefact belonging to a mysterious female student for a game of Spin the Bottle.

Thoughts?

Chris_Keaton
08-31-2012, 12:46 PM
I'd prefer #1.

Russell Moore
08-31-2012, 10:38 PM
I prefer #1 as well. It's a little more mysterious and I am intrigued.

#2 "A student party turns sour" that just doesn't sound very scary, like they ran out of beer or the cops showed up and also revealing that there is an "artifact" may be too much information.

Either way, I'm interested to see where it's going and hope to read it in the fest.

Reef dreamer
09-02-2012, 05:25 AM
Yeah, I felt that way as well, it's just that some prefer to have a protag etc mentioned, but IMO for a short I feel you can play around a little more.

Script almost done so hopefully will post - just don't know how? I understand instructions will follow (correct?)

Cheers folks

Chris_Keaton
09-02-2012, 07:44 AM
Congrats on being nearly complete! Yes, you don't have to follow the same rules with a short, mainly because you may give the whole thing away. :)

As for upload. When it's read there will be a thread with instructions.

Reef dreamer
09-02-2012, 01:17 PM
Cheers chris, l'll await instructions.

I have to say horro isn't my thing which at first was a barrier, but then I decided just to have a go. I have taken the opportuni to experiment in a few ways, some of which I don't like and won't do again, but worth the try.

Not sure mine has enough "games",but it's there.

Egg Born Son
09-02-2012, 05:34 PM
#2 "A student party turns sour" that just doesn't sound very scary, like they ran out of beer

There's your horror story right there! That's not turning sour, it's truly horrifying.

Bill Clar
09-04-2012, 06:36 AM
For a logline, I like #2. It tells me about the story.

For a tagline, I like #1. I picture it on the movie poster.

KhamIsk
09-04-2012, 10:53 AM
I agree with Bill Clar about the logline thing. Although #2 could be a bit clearer.

I love everything bottles, spinning the bottles, spinning the wrong bottles, drinking from the wrong bottles, dying when drinking from the wrong bottles - can't wait to read it.

dtroop506
09-04-2012, 03:00 PM
Spin the Bottle

Before you play Spin the Bottle, it's always a good idea to know who the other players are.

Reef dreamer
09-06-2012, 06:48 AM
Finished, although needs a Last fine tune.

Humm, not sure. It's ok, reasonably tight and I have worked hard to keep it low budget, easy to produce, but almost feels like the start of something longer. Time will tell.

Egg Born Son
09-10-2012, 07:47 PM
Some of the formatting seems a little non-standard but I'm just making a note of it, not a criticism. It reads clearly so it works. This script reads really well. It flows and is clear and functional at all times. Well done.

The Father's dialogue needs work. You have to commit to writing as it sounds or not. In this case it adds a lot to the atmosphere so you should keep it. I liked his colloquial language and spellings but it was extremely inconsistent. In particular you switch between you and ya constantly. In some places you have him dropping words that he uses in other lines. The voice switches between different vowel pronounciations. You aren't carrying through the incorrect pluralisations (if you're going to say 'sees ya' you need to says 'tolds ya') throughout his speech. You need to get his voice right in your head then sound it out.

E.g.
Now sees here Hannah, ya knows I'm not s'posed to visits, am I? (maybe even 'is I?')
But I hada sees ya. Knows that old tre'sure I tolds ya 'bouts? We's close bub, real close, diggin' hard. (hada/hadsta?)
I gat you sumthin girl, found near t' graves. Dona know why, but s'mysterious, likes me li'l girl.
etc, still needs a polish but you seem to write comfortably so you should be able to work out what to do from this.

Also that a man such as him could have impregnated a woman that produces a daughter with Hannah's personality seems unlikely but the imagery is great so I say lets suspend disbelief and let movie magic do it's work.

Other than these points this was great. Definitely fits the horror theme. The other characters were well drawn out in dialogue and action. The events were clear, easy to picture and the pacing spot on. The script was focussed and delivered it's point without distraction. Only the second entry I've read so far but a clear contender at this stage.

krestofre
09-11-2012, 06:37 AM
As far as the story is concerned, I think you're perfectly fine. It's interesting. It moves along. It's definitely horror. All good and enjoyable. Excellent work!

For me, the formatting and the way you broke up your action elements was really distracting. The separation of lines--
for emphasis or--
location changes really made this a difficult and jumpy read for me. This is partially a personal preference issue, but I feel that you've really gone a step beyond typical scriptwriting format, and were this script in front of a producer I think that would be game over for you. No matter how great the story is, most people who would be reading the script with an eye towards production would dismiss it on these grounds alone. When you're writing action you want it to be clear and concise, but most importantly you want it to READ like a MOVIE. This reads like a bullet point list.

The only other comment I have is sometimes you describe things that can't be seen. You're writing for a visual medium, so lines like:

the dark, cold air contrasting with the intense, warm saturated atmosphere in the apartment.

Is perfectly fine for a novel, but you're writing for a visual medium. As a director how would I film the cold air contrasting with the warm atmosphere? I guess I could put fog in the scene, but at that point your script should just say "The fog rolled in."

This is a tough balancing act, and one that I struggle with as well. How do you keep your script concise and on target without completely stripping away all of the personality of the writer? Good question. I don't have an answer, but I wanted to point this out because it merits thought, and in my experience once you successfully walk that tightrope your writing improves to your eyes and everyone who reads it.

I hope I didn't come of harsh. Part of the reason for my specific critiques is that I really did enjoy your script and I think you can improve it greatly with just a small amount of work.

Thanks for entering and letting us read this!

Bill Clar
09-11-2012, 08:37 AM
You have a distinct writing style. I've never seen action paragraphs broken up with dashes except to indicate a sudden change. Great way to break up shots.

A mysterious bottle and a gothic gal. Great setup.

Why would Veronica be oblivious to having her ears ripped off? If it's an effect of the bottle then that makes the story even better. They'll kill each other slowly without even knowing it.

That's brutal. It's one thing to torture someone, it's another to make them like it. Very graphic and brutal. Great job!

I don't see Hannah grabbing the bottle on her way out, yet she has it in the street.

Great story. My only criticism is Hannah's motivation. What possessed her to kill the others? Veronica is obviously a friend and the two party guys were tools,
but didn't show any grudge towards Hannah. Unless maybe the bottle possessed her too?

Reef dreamer
09-11-2012, 01:21 PM
Some of the formatting seems a little non-standard but I'm just making a note of it, not a criticism. It reads clearly so it works. This script reads really well. It flows and is clear and functional at all times. Well done.

The Father's dialogue needs work. You have to commit to writing as it sounds or not. .

Thanks for read, err... Egg.:)

I decided to have a play with the style (stolen off a recently bought spec script which i fancied copying but didn't do it as well) and to be honest i didnt like it when finished, my wife didn't like it and all the reads so far have confirmed what i thought. Its too harsh, but as this was a bit of fun i thought why not.

I haven't written a horro script before so why not try it out at the same time?

I'm writing my next movie poet script at the moment and have resorted to my previous style but the experiment has been worthwhile as, on occasions, the abrupt -- style can be effective.

Re the father speech - yeah fair point. to be honest i only had a couple of days on this as i was on holiday with the family and this aspect needed some fine tuning.

cheers for the comments

Reef dreamer
09-11-2012, 01:25 PM
As far as the story is concerned, I think you're perfectly fine. It's interesting. It moves along. It's definitely horror. All good and enjoyable. Excellent work!

For me, the formatting and the way you broke up your action elements was really distracting. The separation of lines--
for emphasis or--
location changes really made this a difficult and jumpy read for me. This is partially a personal preference issue, but I feel that you've really gone a step beyond typical scriptwriting format, and were this script in front of a producer I think that would be game over for you. No matter how great the story is, most people who would be reading the script with an eye towards production would dismiss it on these grounds alone. When you're writing action you want it to be clear and concise, but most importantly you want it to READ like a MOVIE. This reads like a bullet point list.

The only other comment I have is sometimes you describe things that can't be seen. You're writing for a visual medium, so lines like:

the dark, cold air contrasting with the intense, warm saturated atmosphere in the apartment.

Is perfectly fine for a novel, but you're writing for a visual medium. As a director how would I film the cold air contrasting with the warm atmosphere? I guess I could put fog in the scene, but at that point your script should just say "The fog rolled in."


Thanks Chris, all useful comments and not too harsh at all. Indded, as mention to Egg above this was an experiment for me on two fronts, namely;

style - too harsh for my lying but i gave it a shot anyway

horror - new to me

The "un film able" outside - yeah hands up, didn't spot that one. Easy to resolve as you say but fair point. i try very hard to keep present and visual with my scripts, alas only a few days for this one.

Glad you liked the idea.

cheers

bill

Reef dreamer
09-11-2012, 01:33 PM
You have a distinct writing style. I've never seen action paragraphs broken up with dashes except to indicate a sudden change. Great way to break up shots.

A mysterious bottle and a gothic gal. Great setup.

Why would Veronica be oblivious to having her ears ripped off? If it's an effect of the bottle then that makes the story even better. They'll kill each other slowly without even knowing it.

That's brutal. It's one thing to torture someone, it's another to make them like it. Very graphic and brutal. Great job!

I don't see Hannah grabbing the bottle on her way out, yet she has it in the street.

Great story. My only criticism is Hannah's motivation. What possessed her to kill the others? Veronica is obviously a friend and the two party guys were tools,
but didn't show any grudge towards Hannah. Unless maybe the bottle possessed her too?

Thanks Bill.

The -- approach has "some" advatanges, but what i gathered from test driving this style, is that it affects the read. Too harsh, but at the right time, can push the action along clearly.

Glad you liked the reversal of reaction - it was my underlying core to the horror element, a disturbing change of normal.

Her motivations? yeah, without making the script too long i tried to get across;

she's weird, reclusive
very possessive, to an unnatural degree, with her bottle which is in itself a mystery
pissed off with the others and angry at being belittled and mocked and generally used as an excuse and her flat being used
then falls entranced with her beloved bottle to a degree she accepts what it says

i aimed for this to be about what the others do to themselves, thereby distancing her from it, which could remove some essence of blame, an added element of unnatural behaviour etc

hopefully with the right images this could be enough

Thanks for the read

cheers

bill

Chris_Keaton
09-11-2012, 04:43 PM
- Your action blocks are kinda non-standard and it was hard to follow initially, but I totally forgot about it as the story went on.

I didn't really get the pay off of the flashback, so it looked extraneous or something that could've been handled by a line of dialog. You gotta think of budget. As for the budget, this would be a mess, so that could be costly. I do think it had a problem a lot of horror stories have, it seemed to be just about the shock. I don't think the whole thing is devoid of story, but it's not what you would consider a regular 3-act structure. We move scene to scene without much motivation and then are tossed into a gore fest. I think this may be more solid if we see a more concrete relationship between the Genie and the Girl. And an idea of the danger, so when these guys want to play spin the bottle we know some bad shit is going down. The writing was good and overall a good script.

dtroop506
09-11-2012, 04:54 PM
Bill,

Pretty gruesome stuff. Certainly fits the horror genre.

I like the idea of an object having power over a person to the point of contoling their will and actions. Whether the object is possessed by an evil curse or a demon, or the person imagines receiving commands from the object they must obey...all great horror movie fodder.

Maybe a little too graphic for an indie film. Moderate special fx, nothing too costly. But definately scary.

Just was wondering what was the motivation or deciding factor in choosing the victims. Is Hannah out to punish her sexually promiscuous girlfriend and their dates because she is more reserved? Also, when she is in the presence of the hookers and pimp, she is ready to strike again.



Overall, I liked it. It has a good mix of horror, sex, and weird shit.


Cheers!

As for the formatting, it was a step outside the norm, but not too distracting. Although I agree some professional readers might see a red flag.

Sunk99
09-11-2012, 05:29 PM
Bill,
Comments as read.
Ok. So 8 pages. Great - to many long shorts. 8 is a push for a one day shoot.
Pg 1 "--" I know it is stylistic, but the numerous use of hyphens doesn't quicken the pace for me. It actually causes me to stumble reading.
I like the opening visuals of the spider and demon book, which sets the mood. If you're not going to use that book, however, send it to me and I will.
Human faces in a bottle - has some heavy duty After Effects work.
Pg 4 Think you can take something off me? ***Might be language based, but I have no clue what this means except literally.
Pg 6 Catherine Wheel - no clue what this is. Looked it up - a firework.
Pg 7 Whoa - the biting. I know - horror genre.
Pg 8 floor of the street? :)

Overall - I'm not sure who the audience is for such. It's not my genre.
I guess I am missing something big about the sisters part. Her dad gave her the bottle. Why are they sisters?
So the bottle possesses her? Why? What's the bottles angle or background?
Pretty gory visuals - uh yuk. Well most features are horrors.
You ruined spin the bottle for me which involved he'ing and she'ing when I grew up. ;)

KhamIsk
09-12-2012, 04:13 AM
Hey Bill,

Yeah we cross our paths a lot. About my short by the way - it's new - just used the old template.

About your short:
Pretty graphical and lots of gore, which is great.
I liked Hannah and the "sisters" thing in the end. I wonder if you could have more of this "sisters" in, foreshadow it maybe at the beginning. Did Hannah want a sister she never had... etc.
The father - I don't understand his excitement about the bottle, seems like a silly man with a bottle.
I get it - the sisters are onto bad people, like the nasty pimp, or Veronica, that wasn't too nice to Hannah. I wish Veronica was even worse than that.
So, what I suggest is basically small touches here and there.
Otherwise, the story is pretty solid, very interesting and I couldn't wait to see what it turns out to be.

Russell Moore
09-12-2012, 11:10 AM
Hellooooo Horror! Probably the first script I've read in this fest that leaves no doubt what genre it belongs in and that's a good thing.

A lot of my points have been brought up and addressed. It's starts a little slow for me, just kind of flat. Maybe if something with the bottle and/or Hannah happened earlier, some small bit of sinister foreshadowing would have upped the ante and the anticipation would build as we drew closer to game suspecting something bad was going to happen....and then when it happens...

Holy crap! I thought started a bit slow, and then things go south very quickly. Blood! Gore! Sex! Biting(sex)! Yes! I like the fact that they were laughing while all the brutalizing was going on, big plus on the creepy, weird scale. It started and you just kept bringing it.

I like the idea and the way you wrapped it up. Would like to see Hannah even more weird and antisocial. Granted maybe she wouldn't have a friend like Veronica or any friends at all. So maybe she''s in a cvollege dorm and V is her room mate, the group just barges in and tries to bully Hannah into playing spin the bottle. We get the sense that this happens often with V and so Hannah has even more reason to hate her and wish ill upon her.

Despite the formatting, your style is easy to to read and dialogue was pretty much spot on. Best job on true horror in the fest so far :Drogar-Love(DBG):

DarrenJSeeley
09-21-2012, 07:58 PM
Not much to add here, I think it is the best as far as the horror element goes. That said, I am not a huge fan of dialog that is intentionally mispelled for character punctuation sake. It's always been a big turn off to me. I wasn't feeling the formatting either. Good attempt though.

I wanted to enjoy it a bit more, but didn't.

Reef dreamer
09-30-2012, 10:23 AM
Just a quick response to say thanks for the reads.

I think I covered most points before so won't repeat, however, there were some good ideas and suggestions.

This was a useful competition as it made me think horror, which I don't normally do, and then get to read and review others. The low budget concept is one I want to keep working on and whilst I kept mine simple, the FX and flashback were rightly identified as problems.

Not sure I will do anything with STB, rather focus on new stuff.

Cheers folks.