1378 by Christopher Johnson

[krestofre]

53527



When an object from another world carves a message into the ground and vanishes, people everywhere are left to interpret its meaning, and their place in the suddenly larger universe.





This is my first Scriptfest in a very long time. I'm excited!

[Chris_Keaton]

Sounds intriguing!

[Craighoit]

I love this premise, and can hardly wait to read it.

[krestofre]

Thanks guys! I've had a "reactionary" piece bouncing around in my head for some time. How people would deal with the event of first contact is more interesting to me than the contact itself. I wasn't sure if I could paint that picture in such a short script, but it came together well enough for me to toss it in the ring. :)

[Chris_Keaton]

Thanks guys! I've had a "reactionary" piece bouncing around in my head for some time. How people would deal with the event of first contact is more interesting to me than the contact itself. I wasn't sure if I could paint that picture in such a short script, but it came together well enough for me to toss it in the ring. :)

Crap. I just came up with the idea and haven't written a word yet. Maybe I should've waited. :(

[krestofre]

I wouldn't worry too much. Your signature has things it in like "1st place," "2nd Place," etc. Mine does not. :beer:

[krestofre]

Uploaded! Can't wait to read all the scripts!

[ZellJr]

You were gifted with a beautiful name, sir.

Nice poster by the way. I'm amazed at how all of these are so good.

[King Koopa]

Hey, I'm a total newbie here but I thought the contest was interesting so here's my first review. First off I really dig the idea of focusing on peoples reactions instead of the event itself, and I thought you did the concept justice. I like that you had so many different points of view in there from newscasters to talk show hosts, it kept me intrigued to hear what each one had to say about the message. Overall great job, it's one thing to have a cool idea but it's another thing to execute it well and I think you did that here.

[STYLZ]

Very entertaining indeed. Enjoyed the "aftermath" of a contact very much. This is probably going to be highly accurate. If we aren't there as it happens we will experience the event through media, and it will be varying experiences. Really liked the Leno joke. Nail head meet hammer.

[taylormade]

An original idea brought to life with a nicely written script. I liked the concept of this thing visiting planets and leaving it's message - what ever it is. My only complaint might be that the on the "alien" planet, why would they carve earth numbers rather than alien numbers? I think four strange shapes would get the idea that this is "1378" in the alien language and make more sense. A minor quibble in a great script.

[krestofre]

A minor quibble ... and a good point.

Thanks for the feedback thus far, everyone!

[Craighoit]

WARNING: CONTAINS SPOILERS. DO NOT READ IF YOU HAVEN'T READ THE SCRIPT!!!





There's a 1960s experimental film called La Jetee (dir: Chris Marker) that I've always loved. It has a fantastic narrative conceit where the beginning and the ending are the essentially the same scene from slightly different perspectives. In between of course is the story that ends up folding in upon itself. The film was in part the basis for 12 Monkeys. This script has a similar narrative trick and I think it works quite well here. It's a nice reveal to realize that the aliens are simply numbering the planets, presumably in order - I like that it comes at the end of the film. The coda (where we see the second planet react in more or same way) is satisfying, but I wonder if it's needed. Not sure. Is it better to end on the "oh, I get it" moment or not. My sense is that it might have more punch.

If you do use the alien symbols for the number, I'd for sure subtitle it. Better yet, is there a simple graphic representation of the numbers - I could be one II could be two, etc - or something like that which could be used on both planets? Numbers after all refer to discrete elements and this is where that language is universal. Maybe to have it bullet-proof you could have an expert give his (correct) take on what these symbols mean... Just a thought.

I LOVED the Leno joke. Perfect. I think you have an advantage with him that you don't have with the other characters - namely he is a real person, and we all get him and understand his persona. Therefore the joke works perfectly. The other characters feel like more stock characters (the scientist, the bloviating politicians, etc) - they speak in slight generalizations pretty much how you'd expect them to speak. Not that this is wrong, but I wonder if there is an opportunity to make their dialogue do what it needs to do but also feel a bit fresher and more real. Very subjective comment on my part, I know, but it just feels like some of the bolts could be tightened a bit.

The premise of news coverage of an event of this magnitude is pretty interesting - I mean, just look at the 24 hour coverage of say a celebrity death - it's crazy. I think there are opportunities to shed some light on what could be the biggest media circus in the history of the world. In this way, you can show as tell as you convey story. The movie Ace in the Hole does a great job of this - there really is something pretty remarkable about how we get information about the world and how the media covers it that I think needs to be worked in a bit. My sense is that the way to do this is pretty subtle and mainly in screen directions....

But again, a great story and well told.

Craig

[GaryinCalifornia]

just saw this... Chris send me the script and I'll read it...

[krestofre]

You can just download it from the link on the main Scriptfest section.

[krestofre]

Craig, I am shocked and honored that you'd think about La Jetee while reading my script. Quite an honor.

Regarding the other characters being stock characters, that's actually one of the reasons I went with the Leno joke. I thought that might ground the rest of them. I also considered making each one of them a real person, but felt that would be too disctracting. Just having Jay in there felt like it might make all of it work. Perhaps it just drew attention to the rest of them. I also wonder if this would be a non-issue if you were watching it as a finished film because then you'd have an actual actor in place of the Scientist, the Newman, etc.

Excellent feedback, Craig. I greatly appreciate it.

[Egg Born Son]

The use of stock characters saying cliche things works well in support of the idea because the whole thing is a setup for a punchline. To have scratched deeper with characterisation would have made that punchline an anticlimax and been a disappointing investment for the viewer. So being a fairly light read and playing on a well established convention it lulls you into the realm of the familiar and allows the punchline to do its work. I think this would work even better on the screen than it does on the page.

While you could get hung up on the use of roman numerals, the unlikely investment in the time and resources to cross the vastness of space for the sake of a joke - the internal logic of a gag is permits a lot more leeway in suspension of disbelief. The timing of the delivery was good, any more pages and it would have dragged. Any less and I wouldn't have been sufficiently lulled for the old switcheroo. My only real complaint is that the 'message' wasn't particularly mysterious or engaging. At no point was I curious as to what 1378 might mean. I read it as a mcguffin from the get go. Not a deal breaker for a gag but had this been developed for a more serious piece it would have been a serious flaw.

Nice work.

[ZellJr]

Nicely done. I quite enjoyed it.

I liked the angle you went with of course showing the different perspectives. It's definitely an interesting take on "first contact" and these types of results should be expected(the scientists not so much though).

Of course, the continuation at the end connects it all real nicely and shows how similar we are to other lifeforms. Nice touch.

I understand why you did it in this format, the tv stations all talking about the same thing. Because it's quick, clear, and obvious. But I think you could possibly go for a more subdued version that would bring about more intrigue and interest.

As it was with this, I was able to turn my brain off and completely understand it. Not that that's a bad thing. But I think it could have been more. Some type of intrigue or subtlety that will keep readers coming back for more. Have them searching for clues.

But the method you chose was fine. It was clear and understandable. Nice job.

[GaryinCalifornia]

very good Chris... hopefully they'll get the voting back up...

[Chris_Keaton]

Here's my review. I don't read the other reviews until I'm done so this stuff may be repeats.

- Re-word shape, etc your action blocks. In the second grandcanyon block you have an orphan word taking up a 3rd line. When maybe you could've said 'Most of the park workers and tourists panic while others stand and gawk.' etc. etc.
- Keep your writing active and in the now. Nothing begins in a screenplay it just happens. So 'Lasers fire from the tentacles...'
- So this thing shows up and shoots and then leaves. Apparently it just wanted attention by showing up at the grand canyon.
- Undertermined? So you expect to tell the lighting crew that they'll have to guess whether its day or night?
- Not even every nation has denied involvement... read that line again.
- I liked the flashes of how it affected the world.
- Funny how this planet hopping playboy is using earth numbers.

This is good, but it just happens that I saw a short animated sci-fi that had the same exact premise. Still a fun twist though, kept me guessing.

[dtroop506]

Chris,

I liked this one. If something like this would happen, how would we react as humans? We absolutely would turn on the TV to see how the media reacted.

Just some notes as I was reading...

Tear drop shape? Tear drop shaped UFO? Cloud?
Lasers begin firing... (Lasers fire)
You are too good a writer to write in the Present Continuous Tense.

Lasers begin firing from the tips of the tentacles, shootingdown to the Canyon floor. (wimpy)

Lasers fire from the tips of the tentacles and strike the Cayon floor. (awesome)

UNDETERMINED It's around three am, so it's kinda night time, but technically it's morning, but the sun isn't up yet, so really it's still night. Like, whatever.


Most scientists in movies wear white lab coats.


Okay, the Jay Leno joke is great. The high point for me. Kudos.


But, the ASTRONAUT can see the numbers from space?


I liked the bit about the liberals using this to take attention away from the primaries.

O'Reilly on Fox News would have blamed Obama (by name) of using our tax dollars to pay illegal workers to carve the numbers in the canyon and claim he had proof.


Why is Planet Silos number 1379? It's not even in our solar system.


I also agree the numbers should be symbols. But if this alien race speaks English we should be in the clear.


Okay, what I get out of this is there is a supreme being who has the capability (and time) to travel throughout space and number all the planets. Sort of God's census taker.
Should we fear this being? Are we and others planets being catalogued or numbered for invasion?
I have no problem with ambiguous endings. We should be able to think for ourselves and have our own opinions.


So, overall, very good. Thanks for the entry. And good luck.

[krestofre]

Man, two knocks for "UNDETERMINED". I was taught that undetermined was a valid script element and a reference to a specific type of lighting. Namely you couldn't see any indication of what it was like outside. No windows in the shot. No unmotivated lighting to give away a specific time of day. Etc.

But that's cool. I am genuinely greatful for all of the feedback!

[alex whitmer]

As always, script comments are more opinion than anything else.



Opening scene ...


This …

BLACK SCREEN
Thousands of voices scream out in panic.

I’m not so sure five-thousand voices would sound all that different than one-thousand. There must be some critical mass quotient at work, like along the lines that one can only fall so fast.

That said, what about …

BLACK SCREEN
A Thousand panicked screams.

Three less words and no redundancy (scream and voices). That and voices don’t scream, people and other living creatures do. And, ‘voices scream’ hinges on passive use of the verb. Make it a noun and all is well. Not that any of this would change how it translates to film, just a smoother blueprint.

This …

A gigantic tear drop shape hovers in the sky above the Grand Canyon. Tentacle-like structures extend from the shape on all sides. Each tip of the tentacles have a device
resembling the nozzle of a fire hose.

First the grammar …

You are using tear drop is a compound adjective, so should read tear-drop.

‘Each tip’ is singular, and dictates the verb HAVE to be HAS. If it were ‘the tentacle tips’ then it would be HAVE.

Redundancy …

Your slug already has GRAND CANYON, so you can lose it in the text block. Hovers would by default be somewhere in the sky, so you can lose that as well. A few too many ‘the’. You have already established we have a shape, so you can toss that, too.

Odd bits …

Not sure a tentacle would be classified as a structure. Sounds off somehow. That and a teardrop is more or less round, so it would not have sides.

Okay, a cleaned-up version might read something like this …

A gigantic tear-drop shape hovers. Tentacles extend in all directions, each tipped with a fire hose-like nozzle.

38 words down to 19 to say the same thing.

This …

The crowd of tourists and park workers split. Half of them
run away screaming and half of them stay to watch and take
pictures.

You open with ‘THE’, which assumes you have already introduced the crowd of tourists and park workers (I would cap both). You introduced screams, so you need ‘A’ crowd …

So, are there thousands of them, as indicated in the opening black screen? I think for that reason you can also lose the word ‘CROWD’. Are they screaming as they take pictures? And a 50/50 split sounds unlikely.

Maybe try something along these lines …

TOURISTS and PARK WORKERS run in chaos. A few BRAVE SOULS stay close, take photos and video.

24 words down to 17.

These …

Lasers begin firing from the tips of the tentacles, shooting down to the Canyon floor.

More panicked screams, fewer and fewer people remain behind to witness the event.

They begin, or they ARE firing? Lose the ‘begin’ and you can also lose the ING form verb. And you’re slipping onto passive again.

The word down can go as it is obvious the canyon floor is below the shape.

Maybe along these lines …

The tentacles fire lasers to the Canyon floor.

More panicked screams, a few Brave Souls flee.

28 words down to 16 to say the same thing. Always strive for brevity, without sacrificing clarity.

Above I did cap BRAVE SOULS as I would see them as a unique group a casting coordinator would separate out as featured extras. I cap the first letter thereafter as I see a role the same as a character name, and you would cap that name just the same. John Doe, Brave Soul.

All this …

The tentacles continue their intricate patterns of moving
and firing. Bits of rock fly out of the Canyon and a cloud
of dust begins to hover.

The lasers stop. The tear drop shape ascends into the sky.
Gone.

The tentacles continue their intricate pattern? When were we told about that? I’d add that up where it would first be seen – either in the first intro, or when they fire for the first time.

There’s that word ‘begins’ again.

The laser stops? Passive use.

Along these lines?

The tentacles continue firing. A plume of rock and dust moves skyward.

The tentacles stop firing. The shape ascends straight up.
Gone.

Note the rare use of ING, but continue is one of those words that like an ING verb to follow, as is stop (stop smoking, stop eating, stop complaining, continue editing).

Anyways, just things that jumoed out.

On to story ...

This is very clean and has a great pay off. Kind of like delinquent aliens tagging heavenly bodies for kicks. At least that's what I got from it. I think the dialoue could be a little more crisp and current. This, for example ...

YOUNG SCIENTIST
I’m suggesting that I don’t know
what happened or what it means.
Anyone saying differently is
selling something.

The whole 'is selling something' is really dated. My Grandfather used it, and I have rarely heard it since. This is a young scientist, so I just don't buy he or she would use that old phrase. Also, maybe carve the newscaster speak down to info bits more in line with how they really deliver news.

Enjoyed the read, well paced and structured. I really wasn't expecting the ending, and the punch line was short and sweet. Not over-played at all.

A

[krestofre]

Excellent, detailed, and helpful critique. Thanks a ton, Alex!

[Russell Moore]

Hey Chris....really enjoyed this script. I see some have already brought the "Lasers begin firing" type of stuff, so I won't.

It didn't distract me from the story anyway....I love the premise, very original perspective to set the story. You cover all the bases, science, politics , religion, comedy and even the crackpot gets his say.
I like how it all comes back around at the end, didn't see that coming. Sure, they used earth numbers, I'm kind of torn on that. It didn't really take away from the story, so great job, enjoyed reading this one. Thanks.

[alex whitmer]

Thanks Chris. Hope it was useful.

The rest of page 1 ...

This ...

INT. APARTMENT - UNDETERMINED

A television is turned to the news. A NEWSMAN, 50’s, is
broadcasting.

Can't say I have ever seen UNDETERMINED. If all we see is the television at an undetermined time of day, why even put apartment? Reading forward may answer that.

You have A NEWSMAN. Newsman is this character's name, so you don't need to put A. It's like saying 'A SALLY reads the letter'. Next, Newsman isn't braodcasting, the station is. Newsman would be reading or shuffling notes as he delivers the news.

NEWSMAN
It has been fourteen days since the
mysterious vessel left us a message
on the floor of the Grand Canyon.

I think this can be trimmed to news-speak ...

It's been fourteen days since the
mysterious vessel left what appears to be a message
in the Grand Canyon.

This ...

The image on the television shows helicopter footage of the
Canyon floor. Carved into the ground is the number "1378."

Hmm. Helicopter footage would be of helicopters, or at least that was what I thought when reading it. Maybe '... shows canyon footage from a helicopter. The number '1378' is cut into the canyon floor'. Or just 'ariel footage of the canyon'.

NEWSMAN
Scientists are baffled and split in
their opinions.

I think a news reporter would use 'disagree'. They always dumb down and simplify the word choice to appeal to the mid and low end, and 'baffle' is not in common usage these days. You sometimes hear this less-common vocabulary when newscasters exchange a few thoughts outside the straight delivery. People being interviewd will also have a different vocabulary than standard news-speak.

Scientsts disagree.

This ...

An OLD SCIENTIST in a while lab coat appears on the screen.

Here again, lose the article when introducing a character.

This ...

OLD SCIENTIST
The question has finally been
answered. We can say with absolute certainty and scientific accuracy
that we are not alone in the
universe.


'absolute certainty and scientific accuracy' feels redundant. I think it has more punch with just absolute certainty.

a

[Russell Moore]

Great feedback Alex...I always get a lot out of your critique and the great thing is...it doesn't even have to be my material.
I know I made some of these same errors in my own script and now I want to go back and fix them.

This script was one of my favorites of the fest.

[Russell Moore]

Congratulations Chris! Well deserved finish, I really liked the unique angle you took with this script. Well done!

[Quillen]

Congratulations, Chris! It was lovely.

[alex whitmer]

Pop that feather in your hat!

[ZazaCast]

Congrats Chris! :beer:

[Egg Born Son]

Grr..dis podium ain't big enuff fer da both of us! Just jokes - 1380. This one is very doable, other than some cg for the ship it's mostly head shots. You should think about getting it made. Either way its time to update your sig! Get a big brown dog up ya! (cheers) :beer: