PDA

View Full Version : Sproink



Rustom Irani
04-06-2012, 11:45 AM
Logline: The last surviving clockwork bounty hunter has to bring back the most dangerous fugitive in the ole' West before his key winds down.

51417

Rustom Irani
04-06-2012, 11:46 AM
Now to catch some sleep and then hopefully wake up early to finish this sucker. Fingers crossed!

Anthony Todaro
04-06-2012, 05:13 PM
Well your premise has my gears turning...

Chris_Keaton
04-06-2012, 10:08 PM
I hope you make it in.

dtroop506
04-15-2012, 05:29 AM
Rusty, my friend, King of the Fest,
You have done it again. (Dave shakes his fist into the air.)

I thought Sproink was extremely well written. Your craft is flawless. A wonderful family movie.
The only criticism I have is that, while technically brilliant, I felt (like Sproink) the script was mechanical.
For me, I think it can use a dose of emotion. I understand Sproink is a wind-up toy, so you won't get much emotion from him. I realize we had a two character limit, so Sproink's interaction with other people is limited to Randall.
I just didn't feel the level of satisfaction I wanted to at the end when Sproink beats Randall. Perhaps if Sproink and Randall had a past encounter where Randall destroyed Sproink's workshop and set it on fire, the ending would be more meaningful.

Otherwise, another brilliant entry from you!

If you have the desire to expand this into 80 or 90 minutes and set it in the Old West (America) this would be a great Pixar western in the tradition of Rango. Probably better than Rango.

Rustom Irani
04-16-2012, 08:16 AM
David,you've really been too kind to a script that was scrambled together just hours before the deadline.

I just look at it now and go "ugh!" :)

Thanks for the feedback!

Craighoit
04-17-2012, 09:27 PM
In some ways, evaluating any creative work is pretty easy - it's a simple subjective call: do you like it or not? Ultimately, this is probably the most important metric. People go to movies they enjoy and movies their friends recommend based upon their own subjective likes and dislikes. I really liked this. Why? I loved the whole steampunk aspect, and was pretty much hooked with the orange dreadlocks. It's just a genre I enjoy. So I mentally checked the box marked, "I want to watch this film." This sort of liking or not-liking is so difficult to predict and while craft, plot and character can create enjoyment and pleasure, this totally subjective call is a bit of a roll of the dice. So it's probably not worth that much other than a as a thank you for writing something I enjoyed. So thank you.

The part of evaluating creative work that is a bit harder, but more valuable is to look at what worked and didn't work on the level of things like craft, plot and character. As far as craft, this was VERY well written - great descriptions, nice use of verbs and the like - you can write. However, in my opinion, that's sort of the price of entry: either one writes well, or one doesn't. If you can't sting together sentences, a lot of other stuff doesn't matter. I say this is my opinion only, because millions of people have proved me wrong with the whole Twilight series of books. So maybe it's not important, but it is to me, and I suspect it's important to people who read screenplays for a living.

A few things that were't working for me: I was lost with Randall's dialogue during the flashback montage sequence. It took me a bit to realize that this was taking place during what you may call real time rather than during the flashback, yes? I suspect it would probably play better on film, but it took me out of the story. I might simply move it later into the final scene and have it all take place in that space and time.

Sproink's making the key out of the gun just didn't feel right. I suspect this is because everything else, gears and etc, feel so precise and machined, and so bending a key there on the spot seemed like a device. Not sure it works perfectly, but I don't know the solution.

Also, Sproink's resurrection (for lack of a better word) seemed to come out of nowhere. I wonder if it's possible to seed/suggest/foreshadow this earlier in the script. On a thematic level, it's really quite powerful stuff - when we have a name, an identity of our own, we come to life. I suspect that if this underpins the narrative (and feel free to tell me it doesn't) it needs to be articulated earlier. Perhaps you've done this and I was just too dense to notice.

All and all though, a great and fun read.

Craig

Rustom Irani
04-17-2012, 11:20 PM
Some great points Craig, thanks for the feedback.

No such thing as a reviewer who is too dense, it's the screen-writer's job to make sure the reader/audience feels smart.

That's always been my challenge to myself.

Will the audience enjoy figuring things out or do I need to give them more?

It's the giving more part, I always struggle with.

To digress, did anybody get the blatant, Stephen King "Gunslinger" reference? :)

Chris_Keaton
04-19-2012, 05:04 PM
This was a very cute Steampunk. And it is relatively easy to shoot with a budget. I can even imagine Sproink, especially after I just watched 'Drive'. If you've seen you know what I mean. Overall a good script.

Rustom Irani
04-20-2012, 12:25 AM
I can even imagine Sproink, especially after I just watched 'Drive'. If you've seen you know what I mean. Overall a good script.

Oh, yes, definitely has a bit of Gosling's personality from "Drive"!

Thanks for the feedback.

Sarah Daly
04-21-2012, 05:45 PM
Ooh I love this, unsurprisingly. I'm such a fan of your writing Rustom. You are reliably excellent - such a light touch. I think the highest compliment anyone can give a script is that they haven't noticed they were reading one - and that is true of this. I love the mood of it - it feels quite classy. The pace and character reminds me of Wall-E in a way. It's a kid's film without being dumbed down or mushy. Without saying very much at all, Sproink has great pathos. There's just something about a clockwork person that's inherently emotive and tragic. Maybe we all think of the poor old tin man. :) Whatever it is, it works.

I love the western/sci-fi mix too. A very original combination of the two.

You say it was written at the last minute - well haste works for you :)

A pleasure, as always!

Rustom Irani
04-23-2012, 07:45 AM
Wall-E, Edward Scissorhands, the Tin man...Sproink has some DNA from them all.

Glad you loved it, Sarah!

This was a challenge to curb most dark tendencies and retain the simplest theme of "never say die", repeated throughout the short.

Haste works, yes. But I end up a nervous wreck hours before the deadline.

Always! :)