Zorgon

[Sarah Daly]

A family friendly tale of global annihilation.

:)

[Chris_Keaton]

Well nothing is more family friendly than Armageddon.

[Anthony Todaro]

A family that is destroyed together, probably won't stay together... just saying. It's physics... ;p
I love words that start with Z as a side note, except Zima.

[Sarah Daly]

Yeah I've seen The Road :P

How about Xylophone? It sounds like a Z...but it isn't a Z...

[Anthony Todaro]

Robert Duvall delivered, but it was a tear jerking, long walk off a short pier, IMNSHO.

Yeah, Xylophone is to my 'Z' rule as Y is to vowels. It's just allowed in because it's cool.

[DarrenJSeeley]

At first Zorg from Zorgon reminded me a bit of a smaller Mork From Ork, with a hint of Mastermind. I didn't hate it. However, it was an extra page, one that could have been edited for the time being. Also, while I don't mind UK spellings, I do like it consistent. (Mom...mum) Not a bad effort.

[Sarah Daly]

Thanks Darren. Mom and Mum aren't different spellings - they are different words. And lots of Irish kids call their folks Mom now thanks to the pervasive American influence. And doh - was it supposed to be 5 pages?

[ZazaCast]

Hey... what's all this "Z" talk? :thumbsup:

[DarrenJSeeley]

Yes. It was...but seeing how there isn't many to read from this crop, I *think* folks will let it slide. Maybe...:)

[ZazaCast]

Very cute. For some reason I almost instantly thought of "Men in Black" and pictured the little alien that lived in that big guys head.
Well written and an enjoyable read. Thanks Sarah!

....my best to your Mum. :smile:

[Craighoit]

How did Luke have a torch under the bed without burning down the house?! :-) In all seriousness, this was a fun story with a nice lighthearted quality to it. As an American lefty, I appreciated the "global military headquarters" as being somewhere in my country. The characters were well-drawn, especially Zorg. You obviously had a lot of fun with the little Napoleon. I suppose this might be my biggest issue, and it's purely a personal one given that on a good day I measure out at 5' 4" (not quite sure what that is in meters, but it's not a lot): why is it that when we have character like this, he's always a chihuahua who thinks he's a doberman? It's just me I suppose, and the humor works pretty well.

There was one line of Zorg's that for whatever reason didn't seem to fit (testament, I think to your ability to create character through dialogue). That line was his "....making and educated judgement.... bit. There was a nice B-movie Ming the Merciless quality to most of his lines - this one seemed just too restrained to me.

The "fattens them up" line was great. Did you mean untermensch rather than undermensch? I think they mean the same thing more-or-less and in my first reading I read it as untermensch.

All in all, good fun.

Craig

[Mobie540]

You’ve got a knack for describing a room in the simplest terms, good stuff.
Tip toes through the near-dark is redundant, we already have Night in the slugline.
I believe it’s generally accepted to spell out numbers.
Slugline – dawn. It’s night or day. My opinion.
This was cute, my favorite so far. I liked the Zorgon character. Really great goal.

[Chris_Keaton]

At first Zorg from Zorgon reminded me a bit of a smaller Mork From Ork, with a hint of Mastermind. I didn't hate it. However, it was an extra page, one that could have been edited for the time being. Also, while I don't mind UK spellings, I do like it consistent. (Mom...mum) Not a bad effort.


The limit was 6 pages, so Zorgon is within the regulation limit.

[DarrenJSeeley]

Sorry. Muyst have been thinking of MoviePoet.

[dtroop506]

I really enjoyed Zorgon. I thought this was a well written comedy with some very witty dialogue.
Sometimes, I get slammed for too much dialogue, but for me this had a good balance of funny sight gags as well as jokes.

I thought the character of Zorg was hilariously drawn. I loved the Atilla the Hun mentality stuck in the body the size of a hamster.

Just one or two minor things... Spell out numbers if they are in the dialogue. I think there was an extra period at the end of a sentence.

Overall, delightful and fun!
Very good work!

[Sunk99]

Sarah,
Gosh - everybody all ready jumped on the things I thought funny like the torch.
Seriously, to Americans, when this line is read, we don't imagine a flashlight, but a tar/pitch flaming stick. (winner of most commas in a short sentence)

I loved the characters other people related to Zorg.
I'm an old buzzard.
Bugs Bunny used to fight a little Martian guy that had this same personality, but he looked like an upright ant, in Roman soldier garb.
He was always aiming a death ray at Earth.

Zorgon - I LOVED IT!
Wasn't deep, so a child will easily understand it. ;) <shuffle dirt with toe, look around, whistle, refrain from looking toward that casket>
The visuals were great and easily producible with AE so this is very possible for an Indie. So many indies will never get made as they would cost $m to produce.
There is also a moral in there which is great.
We actually have a series of local children's shorts prepping for production called "Three Minute Morals."
Most are modernized Aesop Tales. It's non-profit of course. Maybe you'd release this if given full credit?

If I had a thing to offer it pertained to the word "untermensch" that Craig mentioned. Not sure if you know it, but this term is very closely associated with Nazi history.
It will be very offensive to some. Quick true story-

FADE
SUPERIMPOSE 1980
Years ago I built a large radio controlled WW2 German Cruiser. On the deck I put a Nazi sticker.
Why? Because there really was such a symbol on the real one.
Of course, one day, who is standing by me? A holocaust survivor who also has an RC ship model. We talked.
He asked why I used the Nazi sticker and I explained. He asked if the symbol was important or dear to me?
I said of course not they were evil.
He said, "It bothers me deeply."
He never said I should remove the Nazi symbol. Actually, the discussion ended there.
From that day on, all my WW2 German warship models flew a skull and cross-bones.
I learned a lot from him over the years. He is no longer with us.

[Sarah Daly]

Thanks all for reading and commenting!


Sarah,
Gosh - everybody all ready jumped on the things I thought funny like the torch.
Seriously, to Americans, when this line is read, we don't imagine a flashlight, but a tar/pitch flaming stick. (winner of most commas in a short sentence)

Ha! Oops - I would never have even thought of that. Man, I forget how different our lingo is! Maybe now Sherlock and Doctor Who are so big over there our terms will creep in ha. But dammit I know what a faucet is! AND a sidewalk! No fair! :)

And yep guys I meant untermensch. My german/nietzsche is rusty :P Yeah damn hitler and his associations with various not-inherently-bad things like Wagner and painting. I've heard the term used lots of times outwith its adopted meaning but sure I'd rather take it out than risk offence. In another screenplay maybe not, but since this one is just a little subversive rather than utterly dark, it's maybe a bit too controversial. Fair enough.

Also - Oh phew it's 6 pages - I thought I'd momentarily gone mad. Cheers Chris.

Question - in future should I try to Americanis/ze everything? The torch thing wouldn't have occured to me but I can at least spell stuff the US of A way if the 'foreign' spelling is putting people off or distracting from the story? I seem to get a lot of comments about it so maybe I should assimilate?

[Sarah Daly]

Oh and thanks re: the numbers - didn't know that.

[Chris_Keaton]

I love when kids grab flaming sticks! Oh wait that is an English flashlight. :) A very cute story. This Zorg guy was determined. I liked it. The only thing that bugged me was those (CONT'D)s in the dialog, I could see they kept talking. You can change this setting in FinalDraft if you are so inclined. Good job!

[Sunk99]

Question - in future should I try to Americanis/ze everything?
No, because torches from under the bed, and bonnets & boots on cars make us laugh with the visuals.
I see there is wiki- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_British_words_not_widely_used_in_the_Unite d_States
Torch is not on it. You're doomed.

[Craighoit]

Hey Sarah,

Two countries separated by a common language, huh? I am not sure if it's best to Americanize spelling for a screenplay or not. I suspect most people would know that a torch is another word for "flashlight" - I was just teasing a bit about that.

Sherlock is awesome - just watched the first episode of series (not season - grin) two. OK, it was kind of beyond awesome.

The untermench/nazi thing didn't bother me too much. My one worry might be its place in such an obviously light-hearted piece. That more than anything seems the issue. My personal view, and it's only that, is that it's important that we remember the crimes of the Nazi's and their various philosophies, arts, etc to keep them from being repeated. I'm sure the Coppola's selection of Ride of the Valkyries in (one of the best war films ever) Apocalypse Now, was informed by this sort of thing.

Craig

[Rustom Irani]

Sarah, you write dialogs that not only bring the characters out of my computer screen but also stick true to form and function as the scene demands.

No digressive ponderings or introspective trains of though devoid of real substance. That takes skill and you can write a pretty darn awesome family friendly tale.

A great blend of sci-fi fantasy here with a sweet little message through a quirky little character, will make both kids and grown-ups fans of the short.

I love Zorg’s dialogs, the descriptive details like Luke’s props in his room, his obvious love for astronomy.

The ending is perfect!

And did I read an homage to a Gandhi or Sun Tzu quote in there? J

A few things that don’t quite work for me:


The opening space shot with the U.F.O. approaching earth has been done to death and I want a different take on the premise. Perhaps a cheat with its scale to fool us that it’s HUGE?
The scene with the checkers game could be split, as the pacing slows down here a bit and it feels a tad longer. Perhaps one game transitions to another and Zorg loses at all of them?


Those are but nit-picks in a well-crafted family friendly short. My personal favourite in this contest.

Great job, as expected!

[lawriejaffa]

Massive congratulations!!!!