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Rustom Irani
02-05-2012, 07:23 AM
Logline: Bernie wakes up one morning and finds himself glued to his trailer-home floor, with his wife and kid only a few feet away.

47473

Chris_Keaton
02-05-2012, 07:38 AM
Lol, what a great idea. Welcome back!

Rustom Irani
02-05-2012, 07:41 AM
Thanks for keeping Scriptfest alive! Your effort, the theme and the incentive of a prize is what brought me back.

MML
02-05-2012, 08:14 AM
Dawww...love the idea, very cool poster. Can't wait to read it!!! :laugh:

Rustom Irani
02-05-2012, 08:34 AM
Dawww...love the idea, very cool poster. Can't wait to read it!!! :laugh:

Thanks, Marnie! Looking forward to read yours too. This is my first short script after September 2010. All credit for the poster goes to an animator friend who also does awesome storyboards.

MML
02-07-2012, 07:58 PM
You are a sick and twisted man Rusti. LOL. That was great. I do beieve you done spent some time in a trailer park to get that lingo down so darn perfect like. The dialog was the best part. Love them eating waffles all nonchalant while Bernie's head gets blown off. Sick...twisted. :)

So...teen pregnancy at it's worst if Mama is 20 and the kid is 6. She had him at 14. Yeeha!

Great job! I really loved it. Totally filmable too. :2vrolijk_08:

DarkElastic
02-08-2012, 08:45 PM
Hi Rustom,

As always mate, a good read. Thanks.

Good:
Good characters.
Goos trapped situation.
Nice little twist about the kid and the cartoons.
Kudos for the research into dialogue, and effort into backgounds on the characters.
Nice explosive ending.

Not so good:
The only thing that was a little annoying were the double dashes. There was a lot of them. I much prefer to allow the actors to decide on the interruptions, or the Director. Our job is to get the information across.

As always Rustom, well constructed story and a good read. Well done.

EVH
02-08-2012, 09:57 PM
What the hell!? We got us a real live Rustus Trailaparkus on our hands! Where did you learn how poor white people talk??? Because I hate to feed your bloated ego but…boy you nailed it. I was trying to convince myself you just got lucky but then came the trademark hungover white trash anthem: “you know how I get.” So beautiful.

I must admit, I thought this was a pretty damn cool piece of work. Very sick. Great images.
Using the images of the dad pulling away from the floor…the pain, his savagery…what a GREAT way to build tension. HIGH STAKES. I like it. LOVE it.

I found the cigarette burn on the TOUNGUE to be a little hiccup…I think it can be more jarring if it’s just on a side of him we haven’t seen yet…I don’t know, have him give his dad the bird and have his hand and forearm covered in burns or something. I just had to pause and try to figure out how he would have gotten at the boys tongue…you had the ball rolling TOO WELL at that point to slow anything down. Just my opinion.

Nice work. Glad to see you found your muse…even if she is a trailer park prinsssesss…

Sunk99
02-09-2012, 08:21 AM
GLUED by Rustom Irani

Overall: 8
Plot: 8
Characters: 9
Dialogue: 6
Theme:
Structure: 7
Originality: 9
Style/Quality of Writing: 7
Entertainment Value: 7
Cinematic Quality: 6

Synopsis: A drunken, trailer trash, wife beater, and child abuser is
drugged by his wife and epoxied to the floor. There is a fishing line,
which appears to have tripped him. Later we learn it is attached to a
shotgun. He tears off skin to escape - boom.

Comments:
Pg 1
***Is Bernie under the sink repairing it?
***Okay I know see he is knocked out on the floor and glued to it?
towards,
***Second time for this use of a comma. Dash instead.
Pg 2
I'm loving the visuals and dialogue.
Nothing.
***Was she shocked?
folks at the construction site will be here.
***Realistic?
Pg 3
Youd do this to me? The guy who works hard and puts food on the table--
***Again realistic?
Kid raises
***The lack of a name each time makes me stumble reading.
Pg 5
A large cigarette burn wound covers most of his pink tongue.
***Would he taunt someone, even glued down, who burned his tongue?
***Whoa - what an ending. Sick. :) The story has much potential if
the dialogue was edited. I'm not sure who the audience would be.
Good imagination and characters.

ZellJr
02-09-2012, 12:28 PM
This was really good. Really well written. Dialog was sharp and realistic. Everything just flowed really well.

Early on I was confused about how he was glued and what he was glued to. I still don't know lol.

I really liked the story of getting vengeance on this guy and seeing the cigarette burn on the kid's tongue definitely fueled this more.

The final image was very suiting. Closed the film really well.

Great job. Top 5.

Chris_Keaton
02-09-2012, 04:43 PM
Notes:
- lose the (CONTINUED)s.
- (To Self) should be under the characters name.
- Why can't these people have names?

Man you are sick. I loved it. It would be entertaining to watch. So go out and film this. :)

csetten
02-09-2012, 07:07 PM
Rustom
I loved it. This was a really effortless read. The dialogue was simultaneously humorous and horrifying, quite a trick. Your writing was highly visual, I learned a bunch so thanks. The only nit I can conjure up is: this is a desperate woman who has been abused for awhile and loathes her husband and is prepared to kill him. So why not just blast him? Why chance his escape? Why the elaborate booby trap? I guess she wants to milk his suffering to satisfy her own hatred. Eye for an eye. Wow, that's so sick.

Sarah Daly
02-18-2012, 09:26 AM
Rustom, you're a true pro. This was a joy to read (a dark joy) :)The words you use are so well chosen - they do their job effortlessly and invisibly.

It's a great idea - an imaginative take on the brief. Your script is very visceral with an immediate emotional hook, and your visuals are strong and memorable. A very satisfying read and hard to fault really! In a longer script it would be nice to see some of Bernie's actions that led him to this fate, but considering the time frame, you made the right choices I think. Anyway we all understand the kind of guy he is and it's a familiar story.

So yep, great choices, a very strong little scene that works well as a short!

Great job as always!

Bill Clar
02-20-2012, 01:28 PM
Good description of the kid.

When mama smacks her head, put "(TO SELF)" underneath her name, on its own line.

"food aint much good if its beaten outta ya every other day." I really like this line. Great retort.

"in his hair covered in dried glue." It would read easier as "in his glue covered hair".

When Bernie frees his leg, I expect him to scream in pain.

I love it. A great horror gem. I especially like the cartoon character's burnt face at the end.

DarrenJSeeley
02-24-2012, 07:12 PM
I have nothing much to add. This is out of the park stellar.
Pick up a camera. Get to it.

Eric Boellner
02-27-2012, 08:06 PM
This script was weird, kinda f--ked up, and pretty awesome. I laughed at the end, and in a good way. While they're pretty stock white-trash characters, there's an undeniable charm in the way you wrote them that makes me grin just reading it. Very well done.

-JMT

Rustom Irani
02-29-2012, 05:10 AM
As some of you know I usually do thank and respond to my reviewers but held back from any commenting during the voting process this year. I really wanted the critiques to have no influence by my responses and now I feel it's actually quite helpful to hear all thoughts before responding.

A big thank you for all who commented on my script. I appreciate the time and effort and the little things you pointed out which'll go a long way in making me a better writer and this a solid script.

I hate those dang CONT'Ds and the TO SELF wrylie. This was an extremely rushed script written in panic hours before what I thought was the deadline. They're gonna be out and perhaps the double-dashes too.

I agree with EVH's idea about the kid's tongue and am thinking perhaps she changes his shirt to see ole' Bernie's carved his name on the kid's back or burnt it in. Yeah, dark again but might work smoother or perhaps a quick flashback, but I'll think on it.

The sick idea is actually the kid's doing. He watches lots of cartoons and the whole set-up was inspired by a Tom & Jerry short. Hence the whole glue and rigged shotgun. Should convey this better with more clues.

Finally, a big thank you to Chris K.! He said something in my previous contest which resonated a bit. This screenplay was intended to be easily produced. I usually write huge budget shorts and let my imagination go wild. With this one I wanted to test a minimalist approach and yet not lose out on cinematic story-telling.

Most of the gore is implied, I haven't been too rigid with my characters descriptions and have use this one location only.

I honestly feel this approach helped me a lot. And importantly DVXuser being a pre-dominantly production focused arena, shouldn't we as writers strive to compete with scripts that have a great chance to be produced here?

There're tons of other short script sites to hone our craft. ;)

Thanks for the experience.

themightyshrub
03-01-2012, 11:16 AM
Sorry I'm so late with my feedback - I was in a rush to get everything read and voted on before the deadline and never got round to commenting on most of the scripts.

I'm so glad that this one won, because it was absolutely my favourite. I love the comedy in it, and I love it when it's mixed with dark themes. Dialogue was great, and they way it was written meant I could hear the whiny trailerpark voices in my head.

I'm sure there are a few ways it could be improved, but it's pretty much been covered here by everyone else.

Well done dude. Let us know if it gets picked up! (I'd do it, but English people putting on trailer park accents just doesn't work, no matter how good an actor you are!)

Rustom Irani
03-01-2012, 11:28 AM
Thank you so much, Heather!

I really appreciate you commenting, even after the contest.

Glad the intended dark humor and tone worked so widely with all involved.

Before I forget, everyone's curious about how a guy from India (Who has spent some time in the US) managed to get this lingo down so pat. :D

One of the influences are the Krinklesacs from "The Cleveland Show" A few of the nuances are from memory of actually staying in a rundown apartment block in Las Vegas in early 2000. I could practically hear the next door couple bickering all night long, but that guy could play one mean piano once he was fully tanked up!

I'm sincerely hoping someone takes interest to make it and guess the fixes/tweaks could be worked in as the filmmaker demands.

Appendages crossed!