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Sean Chipman
02-02-2012, 08:15 PM
Title: Halo.

Logline: After surviving a violent car crash on the Golden Gate Bridge, a man, Michael, finds himself alone except for a woman he ran over, his dead girlfriend and a mysterious stranger who not only knows everything about Michael but also knows about an impending disaster and that they don't have much time...

Characters: Four major/semi-major. Lots of extras...

47335

Chris_Keaton
02-02-2012, 08:31 PM
Welcome to the party.

Sean Chipman
02-03-2012, 07:59 AM
It's a shame you didn't throw "pal" at the end of that, Keaton, to make a Die Hard quote. If you had, I'd have countered with "How ya doin', Keaton?" from the beginning of The Usual Suspects...

Chris_Keaton
02-03-2012, 08:50 AM
There is no Keaton.

taylormade
02-08-2012, 11:06 AM
This script puzzled me. After reading the logline I have to say that I didn't get that the injured woman on the bridge was run over by Michael's car. And who were the people coming out of the bay? Suicides, recently deceased, a greek choir? This seemed like a fairly conventional "you're missing your chance to go to heaven" scenario until the asteroid showed up. That seemed forced and totally out of place.

Nicely written, good dialog but a story that didn't quite deliver.

Thanks for the read.

Chris_Keaton
02-08-2012, 05:57 PM
Note:
- I think it would be hard to secure this location.

I don't think any main character was trapped. He could get off the bridge at anytime, conceivably. I like the end of the world thing with the angel gathering them all, not sure this guy really seemed like the saving type especially with a body in the trunk. Nicely written piece.

DarkElastic
02-08-2012, 09:01 PM
Hi Sean,

Thanks for the read.

Good:
The overall idea is good, if a little confusing.
I liked the characters. Especially Paul and Michael.
The healing and the bullet wounds are good.
Dialogue is pretty good. Nothing jars.

Not so good:
I didn't like the opening statement from the protagonist.
Michelle looks at David?
A little confusing with the asteroid.
I'm not sure what the trapped is in this story.
The bay water is frozen in place. Then later it starts to move... How?

Overall, not a bad read. But I'm not sure where the trapped is. I do think it needs more work.
Well done.

DarrenJSeeley
02-09-2012, 07:48 AM
It's fairly good - I should rate it high. There's just one major hurdle. Nobody's trapped. Doomed maybe?
If the woman in the trunk was trapped and survivors were attempting to break her out before the next asteroid hit, good.
If the folks were trapped on the bridge (cars, debris, fire on both sides) and the only two ways out (or three, if you count the afterlife) are to find a car that works and race out of there or take your chances and jump...

Well-written- except for the opening ("hot, summer sun"- just say the sun.) Missed the boat.

Sunk99
02-09-2012, 12:47 PM
Halo by Sean Chipman

Overall: 4
Plot: 3
Characters: 4
Dialogue: 4
Theme:
Structure: 6
Originality: 4
Style/Quality of Writing: 5
Entertainment Value: 4
Cinematic Quality: 4

Synopsis: A young man awakens from a car wreck on the Golden Gate bridge. All life
seems to have disappeared. He meets dead people to include his girlfriend? The dead
people point out a meteor about to hit.

Comments:
Pg 1
***A lot of odd capitalization used
1999 Ford Mustang
***That was a bad year for Mustang. Push it off the bridge. :)
PEOPLE shuffling out of the bay.
***You need to define this as I can't visualize it.
***Boy is this going to be a tough one to film. :)
begins chest compressions.
***You first described her as a corpse which means she is dead.
Paul continues on his stroll
***We have zombies?
Pg 3
“Take it.”
***I didn't get under later you meant to take hold of his hand.
And, don’t pretend like you know me, you creepy bastard.
***Realistic?
steps out of the trunk.
***Steps the correct word?
***Michelle & Michael. Careful with similar names. Easy to confuse.
Michelle looks at David
***Whose David?
Michael looks past Paul as the people who walked out of the bay make their way towards the four of them, calmly.
***I don't understand. The bridge is huge. Is this hours later?
Pg 4
***Yep zombies
Pg 5
Michael, then, realizes Paul isn’t going to hurt him.
***How is this visually shown?
I think the dual sun thing is cool. I just don't understand what is going on.
hundreds of people
*So in a few pages (minutes) they have gone from under the bridge to the top?
Michelle, wait
***Why did he say this?
Pg 6
the object
***What object? The other sun?
***… and hit by an asteroid.
***The story is very confusing to me and I'm not sure of the plot.
I must have missed something huge. why is the water frozen?
I don't read where the character is trapped. Sorry - totally didn't work for me.

ZellJr
02-09-2012, 01:12 PM
The frozen river thing made no sense to me. People shuffling out of ice? What?

And Michaels' apprehension right now is completely unbelievable. He witnessed this guy revive a woman and open a trunk with just his hands. And he still doesn't believe him? And he behaves as he does? What the hell is up with Michael? I can't understand him. Then he shoots Paul and THEN he realizes Paul isnt normally. Weird.

This is a story I think people won't give you credit for. But from what I read, this is fantastic.

I see this as Paul being an Angel. He carries these dead souls to Heaven with him. Michael is dead too, but doesnt want to go with Paul. He doesn't believe. So Paul goes to hell instead, signified by the fiery asteroid. Paul and the other souls killed by the accident go to heaven.

I thought it was beautiful. A lot of people will be confused by it, I'm sure. And there were a few confusing parts like Michelle coming from the trunk, but I understood the major arc. And there was an arc, which is a feat on its own. Great job.

Nice lean writing too. Doubt it will make top 5, but it's in my top 5.

I don't know what the trapped is though

Bill Clar
02-10-2012, 11:08 AM
I like your opening at the bridge. Very mysterious. I'm immediately hooked.

The people shuffling out of the bay - are they headed for shore or out to sea?

"She is aware of what he did for her." Delete this line. The smile between them tells us enough.

I like Paul and his nonchalance. It adds to the mystery, although I think I know where this is headed.

When Michelle steps out of the trunk, she doesn't have any injuries? At first I thought she was kidnapped. Why is she in the trunk?

Who's David? Did you rename him to Michael?

Remove the "(forceful)" wryly. Let the actor decide how to play it.

You need more detail with the mob. They walk across the bay, but then how do they rise up to the bridge? Maybe a quick line to show them walking on air towards Paul?

The asteroid comes out of left field. I was expecting the object to be the gateway to hell.

You have an interesting premise, but the details are foggy. Give us some insight as to why Michael has a gun and Michelle was in the trunk.

Rustom Irani
02-20-2012, 01:34 PM
Being "trapped" in purgatory with hell's asteroid looming towards you ain't a lot of fun, eh Sean? :)

He's a sinner, kidnapped his girl and ran over this lady, I'm guessing on the Golden Gate bridge and it's now his personal purgatory. Only if he accepts his sins and turns into a good boy will he be able to go into the white light, otherwise it's good ole' Lucifer's asteroid express.

The problem is, not many readers will get all the symbolism and will take your real world setting and characters at face value. So, with a big sigh, I must add that maybe a few little on-the-nose exposition clues might be called for. My choice would be a simple flashback, or just a last punchline from Paul about "purgatory."

My little niggles are your descriptions which are a bit contradictory, "he's a pretty boy...but not so pretty anymore. She was good looking, but now is smashed up." I just want to know what they look like now, a pretty boy with cuts and bruises, a pretty woman who is all smashed up. Don't use two sentences when one ill do.

Also, I know she has "two" broken legs, if there were more I'd not think purgatory but mutant-land. :) Works better if "Her face is a bloody mess and both legs are crushed to a pulp."

Otherwise it was a sublime, fresh read for me. Nicely done!

Eric Boellner
02-27-2012, 06:16 PM
This felt a little random, like it was improvised and jotted down on the go. The characters are calm and confused one second, firing guns the next, then calm and understanding again. I didn't get how anyone was trapped? It was interesting, but a lot of things took me out of the story -- for instance, at one point Michelle calls Michael "David," which I'm assuming is an error and not a plot twist. At the end, Michael looks off the eastern side of the bridge at "the object," which on the page before, it was specifically pointed out that the object was on the WEST side of the bridge. I don't usually catch, or mind, things like that but I suppose there wasn't enough story to skimp on the details.

-JMT