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DarrenJSeeley
02-02-2012, 04:51 AM
47255

Red Devil Blue Sea

While exploring a sunken ship, three people discover that their mini-sub could share a similar fate.


4 actors. One general location. Underwater/minimal FX

Sunk99
02-02-2012, 08:25 AM
Like the logline - makes me want to see it.

Chris_Keaton
02-02-2012, 08:33 AM
Ooo nice!

namelok
02-04-2012, 09:58 AM
Really cool title.

taylormade
02-08-2012, 09:41 AM
Not sure what to make of this. Cool idea, but these is so much unnecessary and, sorry, tedious dialog, that the whole think just sinks under its own weight. Sorry about the pun. You just don't create much tension. And how does the driver arriving help them? Has the squid gone? if so, can't they pilot the sub back to the surface. All the backstory at the beginning goes nowhere, the characters are bland and unineresting.

The writing is fine for the most part, you're just not giving me an interesting story.

Sorry, this one just didn't work for me.

Chris_Keaton
02-08-2012, 05:24 PM
Notes:
- There either is a line missing between 'eyes focus...' and 'The time on...' or too many spaces. :)
- 'talking less than a month...' ?
- I'm guessing you mean to have these lines that look like poems. Not fond of the style.

I'm not sure what you were trying to pull off with this one. It had a quick moment of drama and then the rest felt more like back story and then the ending just kinda faded out. I get the feeling that you ran into the page limit, but wanted to continue.

Sunk99
02-09-2012, 07:12 AM
Comments provided as read.
Scores are 1-10
Ten is the best I ever read.
One the worse.
TimMc


Red Devil, Blue Sea by Darren J Seeley


Overall: 5
Plot: 4
Characters: 6
Dialogue: 8
Theme:
Structure: 7
Originality: 4
Style/Quality of Writing: 8
Entertainment Value: 4
Cinematic Quality: 4
Synopsis: A couple are taken in a mini-sub to explore a sunken ship. They are attacked by a giant squid
and knocked out for four hours. When they wake the squid goes away. A rescue diver comes.

Comments:
Pg 3
Tilt up...his hat.
***Not sure what this means. I gather he is upside down?
Does underwater equate to not feeling gravity?
Pg 4
Around four hours.
***So they were knocked out for 4 hours without major body damage? Plausible?
Pg 5
Turns his wrist...
***Not sure what this means


Squid attacks are not a new story and nothing really happens. There really is
no conflict. A day in the life. There is lots of dialogue, but for the most part is
well written. This would be an expensive to make and so has little probability
of production. It's obvious the writer has talent. Looking for story.

Bill Clar
02-09-2012, 12:55 PM
Interesting title. I'm intrigued.

Vincent's exposition of the Tantalus feels forced. It comes out of nowhere at no urging from the other characters. Maybe Barry and Dawn could study the monitors and Vincent fills them in?

The right margin of your action lines is getting cut off. I can't tell if it's one block of action, or several grouped together that lack a line break. It's making it difficult to read.

You say Vincent opens his eyes after the strike. Was he on the floor? Unconscious?

It's difficult to follow the action due to a lack of details. I did not know that Vincent, Barry, and Dawn were buckled into their seats. I read it as they were standing around. Thus, my concern when the attack occurred.

Good job revealing that they're upside down!

UNDERWATER should be an EXT scene.

I like the suspense of being trapped underwater with a giant squid trying to eat you.

My biggest concern is the lack of activity from the characters. They're passive. They do nothing to try to fix their situation. The squid swims away all on its own. The characters did not cause this to occur.

ZellJr
02-09-2012, 01:28 PM
Very very difficult to follow. And for such a title, the story was very boring to me. Mainly because nothing happened. There wasn't even fear or suspense. The squid was completely unterrifying and nonthreatening, and wound up doing nothing.

Nothing really happened in this story that I could see and the diver's arrival didn't really mean much anything either since the squid had already gone.

Really weird. I was really expecting something to happen and was really caught unawares when I got the opposite.

Good writing though. Nice and sharp. Just unclear at times and often confusing.

DarkElastic
02-09-2012, 03:38 PM
Hi Darren,

Thanks for the read.

Good:
This was a big idea. Kudos.
Action was spaced well, but needs a little more work to get it tighter and fully understandable in each shot.
Dialogue was good.
Characters were good.

Not so Good:
This would be very difficult to make. But, not all of these shorts have to be.
The ending was a little flat to me. We got to a point in the script where it was all set up and them we jumped to them being saved. This is more to do with space, granted, but this stiory deserves more!
The couple are silent didn't tell me they were unconcious.
How did the passengers know about the squid if only Vincent looks out. He doesn't say anything about the tentacles, so how do they know?

Overall, a good story, a grand story. It does deserve more. Well done.

DarrenJSeeley
02-19-2012, 10:58 PM
It looks like the page has been (and continues to be) down for a few days now, so I'll respond to some of the comments thus far:

First of all, thanks for the comments from all. Also glad to see that I gotten to a few of the scripts written by some of the readers/participants as well.

- How does Barry/Dawn know about the squid?
They cansee part of it by that time. It should be noted that there's not a lot of room in the mini-subs. I did some research on various types that would best suit what I had in mind.

- The characters (Dawn/Barry) are passive.
Barry is shaken up. Not much he can do. Dawn comforts him. Vincent reassures them, calms them down. He's a professional, he knows his stuff. He's active and his priority is to others. That said, it made me reflect on something (see below)

- Reader didn't know if the giant squid left
I did indicate that the squid had given up.

- Not much suspense.
The challenge didn't specify if characters had to feel fear for an extended period of time.
But these subs aren't huge; there would be a slight sense of claustraphobia and getting it in check.
It was all lost on folks. That was on me. (see below)



After given some reflection (as well as comments from another peer site I frequent) I decided to alter the script. Making the change goes like this...

*Vincent isn't the one that wakes up first. It's Dawn. This was due to some of the exposition originally given and solves the suspense problem. We know that Vincent is a pro, had military/Coast Guard expierience as did his buisiness partner (Topside/Shawn). He says most anyone can be trained to pilot a submersive. Some of this remains, but I forgot about one of my favorite films, Alien. In that film, they killed off Dallas early in the film- the leader of the group. So if Vincent's background is intact, knock him out, and have Dawn move around in a small space with people five to ten inches above her.

* Some dialog is omitted or switched around.

* While not required in the rewrite, I'm still going to aim for six pages. It's working.
Sadly, it may be more expensive.

* I'm also considering making it "found footage" type of flavor. Maybe later.

The revised version will be up on those sites I frequent, Talentville, maybe Simply Scripts. The current version that is here (or lost in the void?) is the one currently on Talentville, minus the stacking. Note that if voting continues here, it relates to the draft you all read and not the soon to be updated one. If anyone wants to see that updated version after the challenge, let me know.

Thanks.

Rustom Irani
02-20-2012, 11:44 AM
This reminds me quite a bit of "the Abyss" with characters who sound and even dress like those in the Cameron flick, which isn't bad, but the similarities take away from an out-of-the-box experience.

You have done your research and have the visuals and lingo down pat, but again, Giant Squids have been around famously in several films and books, so you do have to make this different, introduce characteristics besides the usual, "ooh tasty mini-sub, squid go num-num" :)

What if this squid squirts Vincent who goes out in his scuba suit to investigate and enters back all covered in ink and totally psycho, intent to kill the couple? What if Barry's dead and the only way for them to escape is feed his body to the squid as bait while they swim away? These are dark ideas, sorry, but heck make the Squid perform a broadway number or have telepathic powers that he uses on Dawn as a voice inside her head?

Honestly, you have a decent set-up here for a much longer piece and can take this anywhere you want for however long you want it to be. Right now the end peters out as the characters don't initiate any action towards their resolution, help arrives on its own and that's what doesn't get me involved with the story.

You have a great visual sense and obviously work hard on research. Why not eke it out to a longer version?

Good job!

csetten
02-20-2012, 06:53 PM
Not much to add here except that there are some great snippets throughout but I think the structure needs some revision. The set-up was too long as was the inciting incident (p3). I thought Vincent's reaction to being topsy turvy was a bit cavalier, I know he's an experienced seaman and all but…ass over tea kettle is not an every day occurrence.

Mobie540
02-22-2012, 03:59 PM
Good opening and then it abruptly ended. Was hoping for more.

Eric Boellner
02-27-2012, 04:57 PM
Really not sure how to critique this. The story feels both prolonged and rushed alternatively, the dialogue is confusing and stilted, at the end I wondered what the point was. It's an interesting enough premise -- a submarine driver/pilot takes a tourist couple down to see a shipwreck and become sort of shipwrecked themselves -- but the execution needs a lot of work.

-JMT

EVH
02-28-2012, 11:14 PM
I really like your writing style. Your dialogue is great. I absolutely love the visual of them all coming to and realizing they're upside down.
Problem is, you ratchet up a fair amount of tension here but (a) your characters seem practically unfazed by the situation and, more importantly, (b) you totally let them off the hook! The squid goes away and a rescue boat shows up!?!
Make your heroes be heroes. Put them in this jam and let them EARN their way out.
Great writing though. Again, I really enjoy your style.

themightyshrub
03-01-2012, 11:24 AM
Sorry I'm so late with my feedback - I was in a rush to get everything read and voted on before the deadline and never got round to commenting on most of the scripts.

This didn't really take me. It wasn't bad, it was just that it felt like nothing really happened. The dialogue was ok (bits that could be improved, but that's already been pointed out so I won't go over the point), and some of it was really nice. I loved the slow realisation that they were hanging upside down, and the interaction between the young couple and the salty ol' sea captain was really well done. My main issue is the way that the story pans out. People go down to see a ship wreck. Sub fails, and everybody passes out. People wake up, upside down. Everybody wakes up and is basically fine. A giant squid starts to attack the sub, but the captain says not to worry, the squid can't really do anything. Squid gets bored and leaves. People get rescued.

It's not just that there's no tension. That can be added by the director - as you've already pointed out, its a very small space, so tension can be achieved fairly easily. The problem is that all of the characters are so passive. They don't DO anything, they just sit there until the squid gets bored and leaves. The characters have to do something in order to be interesting for the reader, for us to either identify with them or aspire to be like them. Sitting in a sub until the big bad thing gets bored isn't character or plot development, its just stuff happening to people. Stuff shouldn't happen to people, people should make stuff happen.

I reiterate - this isn't a bad script, not by a long shot. There's some great moment, its just needs a bit more thought and a more solid plot.

DarrenJSeeley
03-02-2012, 08:12 PM
Thanks again for all the comments, pro and con. The rewrite is done and can be found at Talentville and soon on Simply Scripts. It's also the version I posted on Inktip.