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View Full Version : Shed - by Marshall J. Dean



DarkElastic
01-31-2012, 02:54 PM
Tagline - When darkness arrives, the hunt begins again.

Chris_Keaton
01-31-2012, 07:30 PM
Welcome back!

DarkElastic
02-02-2012, 02:48 AM
Drafts 1 and 2 complete. Awaiting some feedback. Won't be the best I've written, but I'm happy that I'll get it in on time.

DarkElastic
02-05-2012, 04:21 AM
Uploaded.

ZellJr
02-08-2012, 06:48 PM
I'm not sure how to begin.

There's much here. There's much more here than a quick read will give. So I read it twice. Then a third time. I still don't fully understand it. I don't. But I do respect it. A lot.

For one, the writing is clear and concise. No thick blocks of action. No flowery prose(not saying poetic speak isn't nice). The confusion came in during the dream sequence and did not let up. There were confusing lines like the whole "she recedes as the man runs away" part. Everything past that, i struggle to connect. I've tried and I know it all means something I know it all makes sense some how but I'm having a lot of trouble identifying what it all means.

The ending, I imagined was his family, now werewolves, embracing him. And he can see that. One part of me believes that's right. The other part of me believes that he's hallucinating and the werewolves are really werewolves there to kill him, not his family. That would mean that maybe he's a vampire and vampires and werewolves are enemies? I don't know.

But I do know I like it. I like it a lot.

DarkElastic
02-09-2012, 12:09 AM
Hi Zelljr,

I just wanted to reply and say, you got it. That last paragraph is exactly what I was trying to achieve. Your choice! Every decision is up to you. What are they, when did he get bit, are they his family, etc. I wanted the reader to decide that and spoon feed very little.

Thanks for taking time to read and review.

ZellJr
02-09-2012, 12:13 AM
I like your style, sir. I like your style.

Sunk99
02-09-2012, 12:01 PM
SHED by Marshall J. Dean

Overall: 4
Plot: 3
Characters: 4
Dialogue: 6
Theme:
Structure: 7
Originality: 4
Style/Quality of Writing: 6
Entertainment Value: 4
Cinematic Quality: 4

Synopsis: A man awakens in the middle of nowhere and takes shelter in a shed. He is worried
about something and barricades himself in. A werewolf shows up and gets in. There is a
flashback describing news accounts of monsters and his wife being dragged from home. In
the end his wife is actually the werewolf. Kills him?

Comments:
Cover
***I had to look up Yanchep, WA. To me that is Washington state. West coast Aussie - cool.
Pg 1
dirty clothes
***I'm automatically wondering what time frame so I know what kind of clothes.
Pg 2
***Took a long time to get to the shed. The visuals were a bit to drawn out for my taste.
***I think pg 1 should have been one paragraph.
Man searches the interior of the Shed for another being.
***How would we know visually what he is searching for?
struggle a large RIDE-ON LAWNMOWER into front of it.
***grammar. He is trying to barricade the door with himself inside?
locks the board in place
***thought it was rotten?
(Howl/Scream)
***Needs better description. Is this a werewolf or human?
using the Shears as a spade.
***Huh? Just dig with his hands.
***So a werewolf isn't going to find him in mulch? And he feels safer in it?
Pg 3
loses consciousness.
***Why?
suit sat on a chair
***grammar
She recedes
***Which means visually to us what?
His Wife is pulled out of the window
***Didn't the guy just run away? He back?
Pg 4
The Man jumps back
***How does he see the werewolf if he is buried?
Stood before him is his deceased wife.
***So it's his wife turned wolf?
The Man does not notice.
***How shown visually?
***First I don't read trapped here - minus one point. The story is not fully complete in my eye.
What is the conflict per se? That his wife became a werewolf and now is after him?
I like your writing style of quick short actions to create fast pace. Yet, there
is little action or interesting visuals.

Rustom Irani
02-09-2012, 01:37 PM
Dark, you write great vivid visuals if I remember correctly and this is no exception. Though the repetitive staccato action makes it a halting read, the visual triggers are pretty awesome.

---
"The Man searches the interior of the Shed for another being."
---
This is a bit too intentional, especially using "being"

I wish you'd used some smoother means to break up the montage shots, as their irregular lengths and locations are hard to transition from while they occur.

Besides the fact that it's his POV are you thinking of visual colors or a particular look to differentitate between that and reality? I found myself struggling with that aspect, but on second read, I visualised the look from his photgraph and that worked to distinguish the tone.

You're obviously not going for pure Vampire lore or Werewwolves either, since I then would question why the heck was he out in the sun all day?

The first visuals with the whole news idea in chaos works, for me and does suffice.

The trapped element arises out of his need to preserve his life, and I buy that.

This was stark, visualised in detail and kept me hooked.

Good job!

PS: I'd honestly love some Werewolves to bite the Indian cricketers where the sun don't shine! :)

MML
02-09-2012, 01:38 PM
Hey Marshall. First, thanks for the review on Animal Control. Now back at ya...

I really liked the overall idea of this piece. At first the flashes between his family and the werewolves/vampires were confusing but in the end I think what happened was his family had turned into these beasts before he did and they were the ones to turn him into a werewolf. Right? Better them than having it done violently by others. I think?? That's what I'm going with. LOL.

Your writing is very good and easy to read. I will mention that I had a hard time picturing the sizes of things. When I think "shed", I don't think of something very large. Maybe 12x12. But there seemed to be a lot of stuff in there including a pile of mulch large enough for him to dig a hole in and hide inside. Just made me really have to think about it and took me out of the story a bit.

I liked many of your transitions...like the eyes of his wife to the eyes of the beast.

This was a really unique type of trapped. Good story. Nice work!!!!

Chris_Keaton
02-09-2012, 04:33 PM
Notes:
- I like my action blocks to have an action, but this is pacing at it's finest.
- I like the setup showing us some miserable lonely place and then revealed we are at a golf course.
- Did I say I liked this pacing? The howl scream just fits the ramped up tension.
- Why can't this guy have a name? Why can't he just pass out?
- It's Nigh.
- Why can't the wife have a name. Reading She after She can get annoying.


I'm not sure the flashback is needed, maybe just have his blood splatter a newspaper exclaiming the threat. I do see it is needed to set up the illusion, so you would probably need to lose it, but darn it I like it. Glad I don't have to do the rewrite. Overall a good script.

DarkElastic
02-09-2012, 05:00 PM
- Why can't this guy have a name? Why can't he just pass out?
- Why can't the wife have a name. Reading She after She can get annoying.


Right, that's it, he's now called Chris Keaton and his wife is called Edna Keaton!

Chris_Keaton
02-09-2012, 05:05 PM
Right, that's it, he's now called Chris Keaton and his wife is called Edna Keaton!

I feel honored. :)

Bill Clar
02-12-2012, 12:47 PM
I like the setting. Very isolated and lonesome.

"He sways with dizziness as the motion is too fast for his hurt head." You don't have to give us a reason for the dizziness. It's implied.

The putting green should be its own scene. It is a new camera location.

"The Man searches the interior of the Shed for another being." This is inside information. The viewing audience will not know why the man is searching.

"begins to struggle a large RIDE-ON LAWNMOWER into front of it". Is he moving the lawnmower in front of the door?

How does the Man lock the board across the window? Nails? Tape? Be specific.

Capitalize your sound effects and remove the parentheses.

The dream montage is a separate scene.

The switch in POV from the Man to reality is confusing.

So the man is a vampire? If so, then the wife and kids are vampire? Or werewolves?

Your script reads more like a short story. You tell us what the Man is thinking, but the viewing audience will not be privy to this information. Focus on what we see and hear.

DarkElastic
02-13-2012, 04:09 AM
I like the setting. Very isolated and lonesome."He sways with dizziness as the motion is too fast for his hurt head." You don't have to give us a reason for the dizziness. It's implied.The putting green should be its own scene. It is a new camera location."The Man searches the interior of the Shed for another being." This is inside information. The viewing audience will not know why the man is searching."begins to struggle a large RIDE-ON LAWNMOWER into front of it". Is he moving the lawnmower in front of the door? How does the Man lock the board across the window? Nails? Tape? Be specific.Capitalize your sound effects and remove the parentheses.The dream montage is a separate scene.The switch in POV from the Man to reality is confusing. So the man is a vampire? If so, then the wife and kids are vampire? Or werewolves? Your script reads more like a short story. You tell us what the Man is thinking, but the viewing audience will not be privy to this information. Focus on what we see and hear.Bill, thank you for taking your time to read and review. Most of what you said I totally agree with, but I disagree with your final statement of it reads more like a short story. Yes there are areas that give emotions, but there aren't many and nothing the next draft wouldn't fix.

Sarah Daly
02-15-2012, 04:01 PM
Marshall!

Fisrt off I commend you for the ambiguity. Any enemy of spoonfeeding is a friend of mine. And while some will always critique you for not packaging all the answers up neatly for them in a pretty parcel, well, if us writers don't push people to use their brains who will?! It is our duty! :) So well done.

A couple of things slowed down the read for me. Some of your action lines were difficult to picture. I would say make them as clear and visual as you can. Leave no ambiguity when it comes to dramatic action. Particularly the point where you say the wife 'recedes'. Be careful with the words you choose when you use so few. Just say that she's dragged out the window, or pulled, or yanked. Something more immediately visually obvious.

Also, your dream sequence was quite disjointed and tricky to visualise. I'd say cut it or make all the separate visuals much clearer.

But yeah I love your take on the genre - a very different take and one that worked for me, technical issues aside.

Nice tone, nice pace, nice job! :)

DarkElastic
02-20-2012, 04:17 AM
As always, thank you for your review and I agree with your comments.

I always knew I wouldn't get it in without room for improvement.

Thanks again.

csetten
02-20-2012, 06:37 PM
I thought the story was very slick and the writing was excellent. There is some gripping tension sprinkled throughout which made this a page turner for me. However, because the writing was so good I got very frustrated with some awkward bits here and there: P2 "begins to struggle a large Ride On" and P3 "Both are stood behind their parents." and P4 "stood before him". Otherwise, I enjoyed the read. Thanks.

DarkElastic
02-20-2012, 08:52 PM
Thanks for taking time to read and review CSetten.

DarrenJSeeley
02-24-2012, 07:09 PM
I really started to like this a lot. But then these things bugged me. MAN. No name, just MAN. Then, he, he, he, he. We get to his wife in the dream. She. She. She. Then the sounds in parenthesis, when it isn't needed.

I'm also confused as to what MAN was....or should I say about to become. The media should be clear on what the problem is. So should the writer. Surrealistic memories are nice, but it seemed to be mismatched with the generics of the chatacters.

I'm really split on this. I don't like it....but I don't hate it.
Love the kid beasts!

Eric Boellner
02-27-2012, 07:50 PM
A little predictable, a little confusing, but generally easy to read. Not sure what I'm supposed to get out of this line: "Escalating the rise of Vampires, Werewolves or Aliens." Is that a mistake -- something you forgot to fix -- or could you just not decide, haha? The "MAN'S POV"/"REALITY" switch went on too long. It's fine to have it happen, but if you keep writing it that way, I'm completely taken out of the story.

-JMT