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View Full Version : Crevice - Derek Nickell



Bayne
01-26-2012, 12:04 PM
Thriller/Drama

2 locations
1 principle actor
4 supporting actors
10-15 background

Hiking alone, Diana finds herself in a difficult situation.

Chris_Keaton
01-26-2012, 02:38 PM
I'm glad you didn't call it 'Crack'. That could be totally taken the wrong way, much like 'Cleavage'. :)

Bayne
01-26-2012, 02:49 PM
Finished writing it too so whenever we can upload....I'm in.

Chris_Keaton
01-26-2012, 04:36 PM
Working on it.

Sunk99
02-09-2012, 05:29 PM
Crevice by Derek Nickell
Overall: 8
Plot: 7
Characters: 9
Dialogue: 9
Theme: 9
Structure: 9
Originality: 8
Style/Quality of Writing: 9
Entertainment Value: 7
Cinematic Quality: 8

Synopsis: A skilled climber falls into a crevice and shatters her leg. She spends days stuck with little
hope of survival. She pulls out a flare gun and shoots two shots one of which is seen. She is rescued.

Comments:
Pg 1
Eyes forced open but are stuck together.
***Not sure what that means? Since it is POV we should see what the character sees.
is heard
***passive maybe echoes?
***So she is climbing by herself - not good.
Pg 2
***Your suspense buildup is great.
Pg 3
***Even the language shows an escalation. Great.
Pg 4
dry throat.
***Good smashing of hope.
He drags his mop across the floor
***They mop cave floors? Maybe if some kid threw up.
drops his mop and runs up the walkway
***He doesn't look for the source of the blood?
Pg 5
The flare falls past and drops to the bottom of the crevice,
A look of utter hopelessness
***She knew people were beneath her prior. She didn't know where she was in relationship to the main tour area? Plausible?
pg 6
***and so she is saved.
***A good trapped story, but the ending sort of fell there.
I like that she was saved, but wonder why she didn't use the flare earlier?
I know the one time she tried she slipped, still why wait so long for try two?
This might have been more powerful laid over some drama with her husband.
Finally whats up with the kid mopping? Good writing, great dialogue, pacing.
Sorry its exhibit.

Chris_Keaton
02-09-2012, 06:51 PM
Notes:
- Wasn't there a feature like this and the dude had to cut his arm to get free?
- When did we leave the flashback?
- How can we see what she remembers until we see her produce it?

This was non stop tension I liked it, but I think the ending was rushed. Give it some air and let us feel her relief or despair a little more before cutting to the hospital. Not sure the hospital is needed other than to show the husbands guilt. Overall a good trapped script.

Bayne
02-09-2012, 08:53 PM
Thanks for the reviews guys.

Sarah Daly
02-10-2012, 09:08 AM
Yep good tension and pace and the element of the husband's guilt adds a little something. Although it's mostly her fault for wandering off the path :) The only thing that confused me was the kid mopping up the blood in the walkway - did nothing come of that? Personally I would like a little more of a definite theme or message but basically the story works because there is conflict and we do care about the character. Good job!

Rustom Irani
02-24-2012, 10:10 AM
Was the mopping scene and the one that follows it, a sort of delusional fantasy she has of escape? So, she dreamt she walked out and then was spotted by Jorge?

Chris mentions it, but I'll come out and say it, this is really like "127 Hours" done in five minutes, including the play on structure with flashbacks, the motivated gore and visual agony of being in this situation.

Sure, the lead character's female, there's a decent back-story with the husband who should've realised something's wrong and the epilogue drives the moral a bit more clearly in the hospital scene.

I wish you'd tried something much more different in premise. Rather than being trapped, what if she ends up trapping someone? Or, what if she and her husband go hiking and he actually pushes her and...wait for it...the bastard leaves her with a broken leg coz' he's fallen for someone else?

You can write tension quite well, and the visuals are strong even if dated. The bit about her searching for a flare doesn't work in description coz' we don't really know what she's searching for.

Except for originality this works well within the theme and is a decent effort. Hope you participate in future contests to show your range.