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dtroop506
01-19-2012, 12:47 PM
Comedy

Little Timmy is held hostage by his evil older brother Butch. With the help of his trusty dog Winston, Timmy must rely on his keen, pre-K Macgyver-like skills to escape.

Chris_Keaton
01-19-2012, 04:20 PM
Sounds like fun!

themightyshrub
01-20-2012, 01:32 PM
I am very much looking forward to this. I was really hoping somebody was going to do comedy.

Cherryd
01-29-2012, 09:40 AM
Okay okay, this could be cool. I have a bong named Winston.

ZellJr
02-09-2012, 01:53 PM
Lol this sounds rather nice.

Sunk99
02-09-2012, 04:40 PM
Twapt by David M Troop
Overall: 8
Plot: 8
Characters: 9
Dialogue: 9
Theme:
Structure: 9
Originality: 9
Style/Quality of Writing: 9
Entertainment Value: 8
Cinematic Quality: 7


Synopsis: A mom runs to the story and leave her teenaged son in charge of
watching the baby. He does a poor job, more into online gaming. The baby
nearly escapes his pen with the help of the family dog. The baby poops his
pants and the teenager leaves it for his mom to change. The baby lobs the
diaper and hits his face.

Comments:
Pg 1
Bitch!
***The baby says bitch?
***Realistic opening
Pg 2
***Great Dialogue
Pg 3
Well done - I love the blanket bit.
Pg 4
Oh,
wait a minute. I have a real dog.
***Ehhh…not so much.
Bitch.
***Okay now I get it from the first page and wondered what kind of a mother he had. Funny.
Pg 5
A toddler straight jacket.
***too funny.
Timmy sits in the playpen dressed only in his diaper.
***needed a little break in time here or was this super fast?
Pg 6
***I love the ending. Very funny piece. Great job.
I don't consider the playpen really trapped per se.
I'm sorry it didn't make it on time as I'm sure it'd have done well.

Chris_Keaton
02-09-2012, 06:42 PM
Notes:
- Killer title by the way.
- Put some more space about your scene headings, makes it easier to read.
- This would take a creative and patient director.

Lol, a brown thumbs up. A real cute piece. I could see this as a cartoon easily. Good job.

dtroop506
02-11-2012, 06:06 AM
Thanks for your very kind review. I appreciate you skipping down to the bottom of the list. I wasn't sure if this one would fly. I was trying out some new things. I churned this one out in a couple hours to try to beat the deadline, but missed it anyway. Oh,well, it's just a hundred bucks. The feedback is more important to me. Right. Thanks again!

Twapt by David M Troop
Overall: 8
Plot: 8
Characters: 9
Dialogue: 9
Theme:
Structure: 9
Originality: 9
Style/Quality of Writing: 9
Entertainment Value: 8
Cinematic Quality: 7


Synopsis: A mom runs to the story and leave her teenaged son in charge of
watching the baby. He does a poor job, more into online gaming. The baby
nearly escapes his pen with the help of the family dog. The baby poops his
pants and the teenager leaves it for his mom to change. The baby lobs the
diaper and hits his face.

Comments:
Pg 1
Bitch!
***The baby says bitch?
***Realistic opening
Pg 2
***Great Dialogue
Pg 3
Well done - I love the blanket bit.
Pg 4
Oh,
wait a minute. I have a real dog.
***Ehhh…not so much.
Bitch.
***Okay now I get it from the first page and wondered what kind of a mother he had. Funny.
Pg 5
A toddler straight jacket.
***too funny.
Timmy sits in the playpen dressed only in his diaper.
***needed a little break in time here or was this super fast?
Pg 6
***I love the ending. Very funny piece. Great job.
I don't consider the playpen really trapped per se.
I'm sorry it didn't make it on time as I'm sure it'd have done well.

dtroop506
02-11-2012, 06:13 AM
Thanks for the kind words, Chris. I really intended to enter on time but lost all track of reality.
Oh, well, it's only a hundred bucks. Maybe you have some dollar off coupons to Olive Garden laying around.
Thanks again.
BTW This website is really cool.
Notes:
- Killer title by the way.
- Put some more space about your scene headings, makes it easier to read.
- This would take a creative and patient director.

Lol, a brown thumbs up. A real cute piece. I could see this as a cartoon easily. Good job.

csetten
02-20-2012, 07:11 PM
The second half of this was hilarious and overall this was a highly entertaining read. The dialogue was superb, it really distinguished your characters nicely. My only quibble is the set up took forever even though I was chuckling at the banter between Butch and Timmy. Everything else was a hoot.

Rustom Irani
02-24-2012, 09:51 AM
Aww, this was so adorable! Either you have kids or really have experience with such writing to get the pacing and humor down pat. This could work well in most sitcoms and is an original premise with clear set-up.

I think you could lose Mom's dialogs in the opening scene as it's clear that the can of spray is empty. I also want something of a cuter plausible ending, rather than this visually offensive joke, as it gives the whole piece a cruel tone if Butch is smacked with poop-filled diaper. This also makes Timmy some kinda uber-genius mastermind, but heck if Harold & Kumar can show a todler getting high on weed and coke, you've actually managed to keep this tasteful as far as treating your toddler is concerned.

I enjoyed this quite a bit and wish it was in contention. Great names for your characters, great dialog. Nicely done!