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Dauthi
01-12-2012, 11:30 AM
Meta - 8

A man Struggles with survival as his body goes through a strange transformation.
47622

Chris_Keaton
01-12-2012, 03:01 PM
Great! Welcome to the party.

Dauthi
02-05-2012, 07:51 PM
Submitted my Script... Time to rock and roll

Chris_Keaton
02-06-2012, 04:29 AM
Hey, you can put your logline and even a poster for your script in the first post of this thread.

Dauthi
02-07-2012, 08:20 PM
How do I edit the title of my thread so that I can get it into the discussions?

ZellJr
02-08-2012, 02:35 AM
Hit "Edit Post" then hit "Go Advanced". Then change the title.

Some things in this story caught me by surprise. The creatures growth on Mark's back, mainly. And Mark's degeneration was shown very well. Very compelling.

The writing was simple, and to the point. There were a lot of confusing descriptions but I managed through them.

As for the story itself, I'm not sure what the point was. It definitely fits the "trapped" theme, but what came of all of this? Mark was used as a test subjective to serve as a host to this parasite insect monster. The monster grows on him and kills him as a result, then kills the scientists. Very odd that the scientists were growing this creature that they couldn't contain. I'd imagine that they would have taken more thorough precautions.

This works as an intro scene to a horror movie. The origin story to the monster. How the monster came to be. But I don't think it works as a standalone story. Because there really isn't any(in the traditional sense).

Still, I enjoyed reading it. I was just letdown by the ending.

DarkElastic
02-09-2012, 03:29 AM
Hi Dauthi,

Thanks for the read.

Good:
I love Sci-Fi.
Good trapped idea. I liked the cell and the purpose of his incarceration.
I liked the creature scurrying in the dark cell and the cocoon growing on his back.
Dialogue was good.
It reminded me a lot of Species with regards to growing something that the scientists don't fully understand.


Not so good:
The action is clumped together and makes it hard to determine shots. Separating it out will make it read better. But, right now it also read like a story, not a script. You need to simplify the action and get across the shot.
It does get confusing in places. The wall that isn't a wall, but a hologram... You need to think about what you are trying to portray and try to get it across to us.
Was there any significance to the rock?
I didn't like the cut off at the end. Let the Director decide when to cut the action. Complete your story.
This is a far bigger story than a 6 page script.

Overall, a good idea, just needs more work. Well done.

Chris_Keaton
02-09-2012, 05:46 PM
Noted:
- Is the 'Day 1' a super?
- I see the colors must be important.
- Lose the (CONTINUED)s
- Kind of like these metamorphosis supers. Why not just call it that?
- Is this like Alien, where they wanted to infect someone?

This is an extravagant piece and then went all Thing with the gore. Probably would be a hoot to watch, but to get it made you would need more of a story. It really seems like two stories, the captive's story and then the butchering. I think it would be more satisfying if we saw a good end to the captive's story. Of course you would need more room to do that. It's a good exercise anyway, I liked it.

Rustom Irani
02-21-2012, 08:33 AM
The problem with sci-fi is that you need some plausible exposition to explain the science behind the fiction. Here, we have no idea of time-frame, the creature, or the scientists. You tell us Mark's a soldier but don't tell us what makes him one? His uniform? He definitely needs some back-story about how he ended up here.

I like motivated gore and the scientists getting their just desserts was a great premise but Mark is the central character and he's been pretty helpless throughout the whole script.

I thought the creature was controlled by him or shared his rage towards the scientists, and if that is the case I'd like a clearer, stronger cue.

The fake wall threw me off a bit and so did the capsules and yellow slimey balls.

A lot of thought has gone into this and honestly a short does it no justice. Expand this as the premise has potential.

Nice take on the theme.

Bill Clar
02-21-2012, 01:27 PM
"Day 1 - Affixation" needs to be prefixed with the "SUPER:" tag.

You don't have to tell us that Mark bends over to pick up the rock. It's implied if you say "Mark retrieves the rock and resumes his seat on the floor."

Several grammar errors.

Keep your action paragraphs to four lines or less.

Not a lot of white space. This reads more like a short story than a script.

You have a good setting and premise, the problem is a passive protagonist. Mark has things happen to him. He doesn't make things happen.

DarrenJSeeley
02-27-2012, 08:43 AM
I liked this one a lot, but only to a point. I didn't have a problem with the scientists creating/ observing a monster alieninsect that eventually breaks out and knocks them off. Seen it a dozen times. Cliched, perhaps...my guess is that we'll see it a dozen times more. It all comes down to the execution of the material. This kind of reminded me of the Fly remakes, Splice, and my favorite cult filmBlue Monkey from the late 80s. I had some concerns with when people 'begin' to do things as opposed to just do them; and as mentioned by others, SUPERS are needed for the "Day One" details.

I think I would have liked to have seen/read the creature not escaping...it really isn't needed. Unless your intent was to tease a larger work.

Eric Boellner
02-27-2012, 08:44 PM
Oddly, I like this. It's kinda sick, haha, but it's interesting. Obviously, it seems like the prologue to a feature, so it doesn't really function completely on its own, but after this opening, I'd definitely want to see the feature. <smile> Needs a line-edit, though. There's a LOT of punctuation missing, some S&G errors, etc.

-JMT