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themightyshrub
01-11-2012, 11:05 AM
The army say that they leave no man behind. They lie.

46113

Chris_Keaton
01-16-2012, 08:40 AM
Glad to see you back in the fray.

themightyshrub
01-17-2012, 11:52 AM
Cobwebs needed dusting and this seemed like as good a place to do it as any.

Sarah Daly
01-17-2012, 01:51 PM
Yep it's like a reunion up in here! :)

taylormade
02-08-2012, 10:41 AM
Nice story, if a little predictable. Well written, believable characters. I was interested all the way through, the script moved at a good pace and delivered at the end.

SPOILER!

The false dream was a bit obvious, but not a deal killer. Filmed correctly, it would work.

The line:
Dickinson opens his eyes. He is sat against the chiller.

Is that incorrect or just a Scottish thing? :)

Thanks for an entertaining read.

Chris_Keaton
02-08-2012, 05:31 PM
Notes:
- I was sucked in.
- Noted some Brit speak. :)
- A blaster? That's such a girly name for a gun.
- What does the creature look like?

Ah! I liked this ending. You could even play the rescue out a little more and then have the screech interrupt the scene and then jump cut skipping the whole freezing bit, make it jarring. Good job.

DarrenJSeeley
02-09-2012, 06:42 AM
I liked this for the most part. It really had me until Dickerson started to SHOUT. It's all IN CAPS and reads like it's way over the top when it doesn't need to be.
I'm okay with Brit speak, but spell out third.
A blaster makes me think of Star Wars, but maybe this is set in the near future (?) so having a high tech laser gun *could* be excused. Having a brief glimpse at the creature only gets more curious as to what it looks like. Is it a mutated wolf, one of Lovecraft's Old Ones or an alien? The setting actually reminded me of some B zombie flicks. (in a good way)

"is sat" is a grammaritical error.
No FADE IN

themightyshrub
02-09-2012, 11:26 AM
- Noted some Brit speak. :)
- A blaster? That's such a girly name for a gun.
- What does the creature look like?

Ah! I liked this ending. You could even play the rescue out a little more and then have the screech interrupt the scene and then jump cut skipping the whole freezing bit, make it jarring. Good job.

Well, there would be Brit speak, I'm British! I know you're only pointing it out because there's no way I would have known, but I really hope that nobody marks me down for it. I don't mark people down for using Americanisms, and it's not a US competition, so as long as it's grammatically correct, and the spelling is fine in some variation of the English language, I don't see how it matters. (which I guess brings me to the whole 'is sat' thing. Can't believe I let that one slip through the net!)

Blaster is a girly name for a gun, but I couldn't for the life of me think of a better word - it's not a pistol or anything, its some sort of future weapon with a battery power pack. Anybody got a better word? I was really at the end of my tether, and blaster was all I had.

I chose not to describe the creatures for two reasons - one, it would have put me over the page limit, and two, I prefer the idea of not seeing them in full (and henceforth not really describing them). I think that when you know something is there, but you don't know what it is, it makes it far more scary. Your own imagination can come up with infinitely worse things that can be put down on paper.

I'm glad you prefer this end, although to be honest, I didn't change it all that much from the first ending you read! I would have loved to play out the ending a bit more, but as I said, I just didn't have the space, and I didn't want to go over on to 8 pages. Having it interrupted by a screech is really good though, wish I'd thought of that!


I liked this for the most part. It really had me until Dickerson started to SHOUT. It's all IN CAPS and reads like it's way over the top when it doesn't need to be.
I'm okay with Brit speak, but spell out third.
A blaster makes me think of Star Wars, but maybe this is set in the near future (?) so having a high tech laser gun *could* be excused. Having a brief glimpse at the creature only gets more curious as to what it looks like. Is it a mutated wolf, one of Lovecraft's Old Ones or an alien? The setting actually reminded me of some B zombie flicks. (in a good way)

"is sat" is a grammaritical error.
No FADE IN

You're right, I should have just used (shouting) instead of putting it all in caps. It makes it look like somebody is yelling on the internet. I'm out of practise. Same with not spelling out third.
Didn't put FADE IN because it would have pushed me on to 8 pages and I'd already trimmed everything I could out of the first page. Not really an excuse, but it's al I've got!

Glad you liked it!

Bill Clar
02-09-2012, 01:09 PM
"Things are moving". What sort of things? Be specific. Describe sounds if you can.

Tell us the supermarket is lit when you describe the setting. With your apocalyptic vibe, I'm assuming the power is out everywhere.

Try to keep your action paragraphs to four lines or less.

Page 3: Period after "Silence"

I really like the dialogue coming from the radio. It's cold and detached. It feels like Hal.

"He talks quickly, angry at the situation." You don't need to tell us he's angry. His actions reflect it.

"He has given up any hope of rescue." This is Dickinson's inner thought. The viewing audience will not be privy to this information. Show us don't tell us.

Good ending. Nice swerve job with the daydream.

You have a good story. The characters are believable and the dialogue flows.

ZellJr
02-09-2012, 01:42 PM
I'm gonna go ahead and add Dickinson as my second favorite character in the competition.

He was just great and the use of caps was perfect.

The daydream was fantastic. I didn't even realize it until way later. Just great. Grim, but great. I felt really bad for Dickinson, who carried the story. Great character.


I really enjoyed this. Great job. top 10 for sure. Maybe top 5.

DarkElastic
02-09-2012, 02:51 PM
Hi Heather,

Thanks for the read.

Good:
Great idea for trapped. It's a large trapped.
He's left to die. Reminds me of "the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few."
Future guns. Nice.
I like the anti-hollywood ending. The breakdown of atoms was nicely done.

Not so Good:
I know it isn't your angle here, but I really wanted to know what they were fighting!
some of the dialogue needs work.
As a Private I can't understand his tone. His character is better suited for a higher rank, and played by a young Arnie (obviously this would open a can of worms and he would have to fight the army of monsters single handed.)

Overall, this is an interesting idea. With more time and care, it would be great. Well done.

Sunk99
02-09-2012, 03:14 PM
One Man Left Behind by Heather Greig


Overall: 6
Plot: 4
Characters: 8
Dialogue: 9
Theme:
Structure: 8
Originality: 6
Style/Quality of Writing: 9
Entertainment Value: 5
Cinematic Quality: 7


Synopsis: Zombie times. A soldier is hurt and can't get to the extraction point. His officer says he will be
left as something called black tide is about to commence. Three minutes on the clock and the military arrives.
A nuclear explosion or something occurs killing them all.

Comments:
Pg 1
lies at the wrong angle.
***a wrong angle
Pg 3
***Enjoying it so far. Suspenseful. Wow when she says, "Collection is not possible Private." I could hear suspense music playing.
Pg 5
Look, Iím sorry for losing my temper with you. This isnít your fault.
***Seems to break character and not realistic.
Pg 6
blaster
***Future?
***So why did they change their mind and get blown up anyway? So now a helicopter full are dead as well?
***I take it from the clock before we had three minutes. They wouldn't have sent somebody in with only three minutes left.
***Your writing is really good and very visual. The story, sort of wasn't there for me. It has potential I think.
***I'm sorry I don't see how the character is trapped so I remove a point for that.

DarkElastic
02-09-2012, 03:31 PM
***I'm sorry I don't see how the character is trapped so I remove a point for that.

Trapped in a dead city.
Trapped behind enemy lines.
Trapped with with an immobilising injury as his doom approaches.

Your choice, pick one Sunk99.

themightyshrub
02-09-2012, 04:11 PM
Hi Heather,

Thanks for the read.

Good:
Great idea for trapped. It's a large trapped.
He's left to die. Reminds me of "the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few."
Future guns. Nice.
I like the anti-hollywood ending. The breakdown of atoms was nicely done.

Not so Good:
I know it isn't your angle here, but I really wanted to know what they were fighting!
some of the dialogue needs work.
As a Private I can't understand his tone. His character is better suited for a higher rank, and played by a young Arnie (obviously this would open a can of worms and he would have to fight the army of monsters single handed.)

Overall, this is an interesting idea. With more time and care, it would be great. Well done.

Thanks for the feedback, especially concerning his tone, being a private. It's no secret that I know next to nothing about the military - to be honest I'm not even sure that Private is the lowest rank! I guess I jsut wanted the futility of it to show through - nobody expects to be abandoned on his first mission, so it kind of makes it harder to swallow. You're right though, I guess a newbie wouldn't be as cocky as he is at the start, so I think if I redraft it in the future I'll take out some of those references to him being so new.

I'll probably also describe those bloody monsters, since I wont have a page limit ;-)

Chris_Keaton
02-09-2012, 05:09 PM
Well, there would be Brit speak, I'm British! I know you're only pointing it out because there's no way I would have known, but I really hope that nobody marks me down for it. I don't mark people down for using Americanisms, and it's not a US competition, so as long as it's grammatically correct, and the spelling is fine in some variation of the English language, I don't see how it matters.

I'm sure no one will. I was just giving you a ribbing. :)

themightyshrub
02-09-2012, 05:15 PM
I know you were only pulling my leg Chris, I've just had feedback from a few other places along the lines of "well you can't spell/use English so I don't see how you're expecting your scripts to be any good" because I've called it a pavement instead of a sidewalk, or spelled it 'colour'. It's just a bit of a pet hate!

DarrenJSeeley
02-10-2012, 08:10 AM
I know you were only pulling my leg Chris, I've just had feedback from a few other places along the lines of "well you can't spell/use English so I don't see how you're expecting your scripts to be any good" because I've called it a pavement instead of a sidewalk, or spelled it 'colour'.

1- I hope Zoetrope wasn't among them. I used to hang out there a lot, esp. in the once thriving screenplay wing.

2- I'm American. But as far as reading scripts are concerned I have no problem with UK/Canadian spelling. My only peeve regarding it is if it isn't consistent. (Spell colour in one sentence, next page spell it color, for example) And there are times when I reference something "American" and it's lost on my UK writing peers.

Sunk99
02-10-2012, 11:38 AM
Trapped in a dead city.
Trapped behind enemy lines.
Trapped with with an immobilising injury as his doom approaches.
Your choice, pick one Sunk99.
Hi-ya,
Yes I understood those angles, but felt those circumstances weren't within the intent of the rules discussions I read early on.
I'm just trying to be fair - physically trapped. I read where others asked for clarification about more subtle forms and were told no.
Now I read where trapped in ones own body is okay. I'm going back through my reviews and bumping up everyone a star
where I felt they didn't meet the full intent. Thanks.

Sarah Daly
02-18-2012, 09:50 AM
Heather!

Loved this. I'm a fan of dystopia so you had me at hello :) It was an effortless read that flowed really well. You obviously know how to write invisibly, if you know what I mean! I really liked the robotic nature of the radio lady. The contrast between her world of rules and numbers and his visceral human plight were great and provided most of the tension. The threat of the unnamed beasts loomed large too. I like that you didn't specify what they were exactly. I did wonder a little about whether the soldiers would/should have come get him, but there are explanations that could explain it so it didn't bother me too much. All in all, I would have made the same choice to take the story that way. Giving us hope and then obliterating it makes for more of a rollercoaster! I loved your description of the 'Black Tide' at the end. Epic visuals - very nice.

Yep so I liked this a lot - a great little (big) story! He was absolutely trapped as far as I see it, and the story felt complete too.

Also I always make a point of using non-US spelling except for exceptional circumstances. Because, well, it wouldn't be correct to us if we didn't. Anyone who tells you that it's wrong to do so is an idiot. Except Chris who's just a rogue :)

themightyshrub
02-19-2012, 07:23 AM
I don't think Chris would be to offended if we called him an idiot. He knows we mean it in the nicest possible way.

Rustom Irani
02-20-2012, 12:24 PM
This is one of my favorites in the contest and the tone is pitch perfect here for a short. In fact, I personally feel like this would make a helluva video-game opening with Dickinson using a makeshift splint to fix his leg and then start kicking butt.

The reason I get a video-game vibe is because "The Tide" sounds awfully similar to the concept of "the Flood" from the popular game "Halo" and you might think of changing it if a few of your readers mention it. Otherwise, it's just me and my wacky imagination at work. :)

I prefer that you never show the monsters, but do wish you'd ante up the terror with specfic sound cues and some more living creature carnage besides just Dickinson in the supermarket. If they broke his leg they'll come for him, unless one of their own lost a limb or two in the process and the appendage lies in some goo a few feet away. Or a few of his dead mates litter the floor and are dragged away as the skittering shuffling sounds continue while he speaks with Carol.

You got me with the rescue scene and the end reminds me of the great "Langoliers" with the black approaching.

I loved it! Nicely done!

Eric Boellner
02-27-2012, 05:09 PM
Hmm, I liked this one. It was an interesting set-up and a good play on the "trapped" theme. The false ending was great, I really thought it was going to be a "Just kidding! We came back for you!" moment, and the slip back to reality was well-written. Only real problem I had with this was the all-CAPS yelling. And a few pauses might have been more effective as action lines than wrylies -- I don't know about others, but I read wrylies quickly and don't usually give them much weight, so if a pause is meant to be brief, it works as a wrylie, but if it's meant to be a "full stop," I would definitely put it in an action line.

-JMT

N3D
02-29-2012, 04:45 AM
So there is no way to read these scripts now? Cause i don't know how to download them :(

Chris_Keaton
02-29-2012, 11:43 AM
So there is no way to read these scripts now? Cause i don't know how to download them :(

http://www.dvxfest.com/scriptfestX/index.php