Father of Mine

[BasilSunshine]

37948

Jack just wants to find his long-lost father. And punch him in the face.

[Original photo by ff137 on Flickr (http://www.flickr.com/photos/96208357@N00/with/4251121813/). Used/Modified under Creative Commons license.]


Third place! Thanks so much, you guys! :cheesy:
First draft here: http://www.dvxfest.com/scriptfestIX/
I will post a link to the second (and I think final) draft soon.

[KhamIsk]

Hey Basil! Beautiful poster you've got there, can't wait to read it!

[Matt Harris]

good poster!

[BasilSunshine]

Hey you, K! :cheesy:
Thanks, you guys.

[Chris_Keaton]

Basil, your picture kinda makes you look like Manson..... I know mine isn't any better.

[BasilSunshine]

LOL thanks Chris. I was gonna get around to asking you what you are eating there. It looks like a snake with fingers on its head :cheesy:

[Chris_Keaton]

It is a best screenplay award that happened to look like a werewolf wearing wrestling gear. Don't ask me where they got that idea or why I thought it tasted good. :)

[BasilSunshine]

LOL awesome

[Anthony Todaro]

That kid is planking! Killer logline.

@ Keaton - You crave metal because you are a cyborg. I've known this for a while... sorry to break it to you over the 'interwebs'

[BasilSunshine]

Thanks, man.
Haha, yeah that kid was planking before planking was cool.

[Chris_Keaton]

That kid is planking! Killer logline.

@ Keaton - You crave metal because you are a cyborg. I've known this for a while... sorry to break it to you over the 'interwebs'

That would explain a lot, especially the wires in my head.

[Chris_Keaton]

Basil, how's Circalit? Has it grown up yet?

*** Don't read reviews until you've read the screenplay.

Notes:
- Try to avoid 'are' and 'is'. The way you write is fine, but if you avoid these your writing will pop.
- Need an extra space before your scene headings to make it an easier read.
- "A brief image flickers through his mind" How are we going to SEE this? A change in formatting could fix this.
- Not sure the subtitles are needed, we can tell he's indignant. I don't think any of the subtitles are needed. A little mystery is a good thing.
- There is no in your mind stuff in a screenplay. It's a flashback or a dream sequence, and you will set it up that way.

I liked this. Good characters and a good ending. You set a fully fleshed out world for your characters to play in. If I hadn't just had sushi this could've made me hungry.

[BasilSunshine]

Hey Chris, Thanks. And thanks for the notes for the rewrite. I know that is one of my issues to work on, the "are" and "is," ARGH!

About Circlelit, I dunno? I just joined it so I don't know if it's changed :cheesy: I like how it is set up so far, it's pretty slick.

[Anthony Todaro]

**SPOILERS

Very compelling writing. The twist was cool.


If I had one suggestion it would be to cut some of it. I think it would
work without the bedroom scene. A little convenient w/ the kid being his brother,
but still really fun to read. Fluid writing.

SIDE NOTE--

If you get a chance to read mine, the script I uploaded to DVX has a clerical error.
So if you download it, it's not the right one...

Here's the proper one.
DEATH BY COP: http://bit.ly/qq2c1G

[KhamIsk]

Basil, I really liked it especially the ending.

Congrats on a nice story. All his life he wants to punch his dad and he does it in the end - this is not heavy and yet very very touching. Really nice story.
If I had to pick on one thing it would be the flashback on p 9 - I kind of reread to understand that it's a flashback. Otherwise very nice build up. Very good opening, he rolls the 5 dollar bill, his dad's gift into a sigarette - that's a truly neat touch.
Overall there's a lot of texture in your short, lots of japanese - looks like a lot of thought went into this one. Great job!

[BasilSunshine]

Thanks, Anthony. I wanted to show with the bedroom scene that despite his father, he has a good life, he is loved. And yeah, add a little romance/sex. I realize that will make some people want to yak :cheesy: I know what you mean about the brother. Well, I wrote the whole first scene with the little obnoxious kid before I realized that was his brother or figured out much of what would happen in the story. At first I thought they would just relate over their fathers being a-holes. So it was kind of a surprise to me. I will definitely read yours too (and everyone's). Thanks again!

Thanks, Khamanna! Chris also mentioned the flashbacks. I will rewrite that. Glad you liked the smoking fiver. Not sure where some of this stuff comes from in my head lol. Also glad you liked the ending. I was thinking some people wouldn't like that they don't find out if they reconciled, but I really didn't want to go into that... when I got to the end of the story it seemed like he would definitely have a relationship with his little brother no matter what happened with his father. Thanks again!

[taylormade]

Very nice script. Well written, original, amusing and thoughtful. I really enjoyed it.

[BasilSunshine]

Richard, thanks so much!

[Sunk99]

I give script criticism by the line as I read.


Pg 2 He puts the cigarette **smoking at 12 - not good. Would he burn a $5 bill?
Jack, now in his 30's, **Needs a visual to link the young to the old.
A brief image flickers through his mind, **This is another scene rather than action. A flashback.
His reverie is broken and back to scene
Pg 3 the fucking **If the language can be avoided I would - bigger audience.
Pg 5 SUBTITLE: **Not sure if the use of subtitles is funny or not.
Pg 6 Jack relives a scene **This is again another scene not action.
Pg 9 In Jack's mind a headshot **again another scene. I'm lost - so is this himself or a very young half brother or what?


**Sorry I didn't get the ending. Might be a culture/language difference thing as it sounds like you are from the UK?

[BasilSunshine]

Hi Sunk99,
He doesn't want anything from the father who's abandoned them (and you find out later, abused his mother), including money.
The visual link is the smoking and the "badass" face.
Others have mentioned the same thing about the flashbacks, that will be revised.
At the end, Jack introduces himself in Japanese to the kid, who hears his own name (ie, that's his younger half brother, with the same name as him). He then realizes the kid's Dad is his own Dad (and he named the kid "the second," replacing himself). The headshot is comparing the Dad he remembers (a ruffian who wore flannels) to the old rich dude.

I'm not from the UK but the kid is :cheesy: Thanks for your review!

[jasonthewho]

Wow, that was a really pleasant surprise. Very rich and detailed. Everything was specific. So specific there was almost an arbitrariness to it. Like, why a sushi chef? But I think the arbitrariness is why I liked it so much. It doesn't feel pat. I like the tone of it, the mixture of drama and comedy and quirk, with the stylistic touches of the two headshots merging, the subtitles, and so on.

My only complaint is that his dad being a member of Parliament is so weird, I feel like we need something to slightly set that up. A suggestion that he was a con man when he was back in the states, or something. Just so it feels slightly more plausible.

Loved the kid smoking the bill, the sushi-aficionado British kid, and the cinematic feel to the entire screenplay. Very nice work.

[BasilSunshine]

Jason, Thanks! I will try to think of a way to take your suggestion about the Dad. I also wanted to show he didn't have a British accent before but I never ended up working that in. The problem that I kept running into was that he barely remembers him. Thanks again.

[Mobie540]

Very strong writing. I will say you got away with shaving the page count with some of the flashbacks but anyway. No complaints, liked how developed the characters were. Great Job!

[simonpwood]

A pleasure to read. It was an interesting world you created, with lots of seemingly random ideas bouncing around, yet working as a whole (somehow!).

British people do say 'innit', but not in the context that you have used it. They would say innit as a type of confirmation, or to twist the ending of a statement into a question. Its not likely that the child of a member of parliament would say innit, unless he was just doing it to piss of his dad.

[BasilSunshine]

Thanks, Mobie and Simon!

Simon, I meant the "innit" as a rhetorical question or emphasis... "It's not racist if it's true, isn't that so?"... "She found him, right?" (Because she's a hooker.) Maybe like an American kid would say "duh." I would imagine he would say it to piss off his Dad, now that you mention it... or just to amuse himself :cheesy: