View Full Version : Time Of My Father
07-29-2011, 05:47 AM
A son attempts to finish his father's experiment and learns the true meaning of fatherhood.
Thanks again Matt Harris for another killer poster. This will probably be his last one for me. :(
08-16-2011, 05:08 PM
no way, posters 4 u 4 eva.
Michael Anthony Horrigan
08-18-2011, 10:03 AM
Oooh... sweet poster!
09-01-2011, 07:09 PM
I don't know about this 'poster'... HA! I keed. That's me messing with you Matt. You killed it.
No spoilers. Another certified Keaton classic tale. Nice work and a buttery read as usual.
A must read.
09-06-2011, 04:06 AM
OK, here we go, Chris.
"dinning" = dining
"followed by JACK (7) following" = Was Jack following? Just checking :cheesy: Heheh. I know that was a typo and you meant to delete one of those.
Basement monster lol... That's a good way to keep a kid out of a basement!!
"PHILLIP (younger Phil)" = It might be easier to call him YOUNG PHILLIP (Age) or even just PHILLIP (Age).
"Phil sips a coffee shakily setting it next to..." I think probably that should be "...shakily, sets it..." because he can't do both actions at once (sip and set).
"Misses Culver" = Mrs.? I've never seen that spelled out like that.
"...if mom will let me eat." Heheh
"non stop" = nonstop or non-stop
"it’s heart" = its heart
"She smells like cat pee." LMAO
Wow, what a great ending and a great message. I was really hoping he wouldn't end up neglecting his kid like his father did to him. Seeing himself as a kid in the time machine was powerful enough to make him switch off a device that groundbreaking to hang out with his kid. Right on! Great story.
09-06-2011, 10:24 AM
As mentioned above, commas work wonders.
Great message but the delivery left me scratching my head. Was this Phil's house or his Dad's? Or did he inherit it from his Dad and is now living there with his family?
Okay, I read it again - it must be his Dad's old house - otherwise he would remember moving that huge contraption out of his Dad's basement over to his place.. If so, this is the first time he's been down in the basement? Yeah, he's finally cleaning up (after how many years?) and notices this huge "something" hidden under a tarp. Maybe it's a piano? He doesn't remember his Dad working on this thing back when he was a kid, doesn't remember standing behind his Dad when the thing came to life and Dad gave his, "Don’t waste the little time you
He's never peeked under that tarp all the years he's lived there?
He cleans the entire basement and never once looks under the tarp. Finally Sheryl looks under it and -
Phil is stunned. He slowly rises and sets his drink down.
Sheryl stairs confused at the monstrosity.
I think she's actually staring at it, but still, this whole routine just took me right out of the story, it didn't make sense.
Nicely told with a great message, but man it took a long time to get there. I found the goofy "Nutty Professor" aspect of the story a little hard to reconcile with the final message. It's hard enough to swallow grandpa's time machine in the basement, but to expect someone to take the rest of the story very seriously is asking a bit too much.
If Jackson was so concerned about leaving a message for his son, wouldn't a Super8 film or a tape recording have been a more sensible - and cheaper - method of informing his son of the future pitfalls of fatherhood?
Sorry if I'm nit-picking here, but it was hard for me to get into the story with all the inconsistancies.
09-06-2011, 10:41 AM
Thanks Basil. Sorry I didn't catch all these typos. Taylor I will never understand how your brain works, but if your next short has a basement time machine I'm calling your card. :)
09-06-2011, 12:47 PM
Hell, I don't know how my brain works, Chris. Maybe that's my problem.
Had to cancel my basement time machine short - Fred MacMurray wasn't available.
09-06-2011, 06:10 PM
I give script criticism by the line as I read.
Pg 2 I don’t know. **Biggest thing there and cleaned the whole place but never looked?
Pg 3 END FLASHBACK **That was one quick flashback. The function of it?
Who made this? **Didn't he hear? Maybe he could say "Grandpa made this?"
Pg 4 DINNING **typo
Pg 5 Wonderful. **Wouldn't she be a bit mad he wasted their vacation time?
Pg 6 INT. BASEMENT - DAY **We need something to ground us on how much time has elapsed
Pg 7 **Love, love the broken electronics and SHERYL's blasting him here - would film very well.
Pg 8 Gradma **typo
Pg 9 What’s this **This segment would be more powerful if the boy simply plugs in a wire or tilts a relay into it's socket and the contraption fires up by itself.
INT. BASEMENT - DAY (1973) ** Tough cut to another time without loosing the audience. I think it might help if Jackson sees them in the future before saying hello.
Of course the dialogue later would have to change.
Pg 10 Not now Phillip, I’m busy. **This is odd/confusing given the dialogue just before.
I like the over all concept and story. The final ending of shutting off the machine is great. Phil should carry Jack upstairs for emotion.
Jackson's dialogue and relationship needs cleaned up for it to work.
Enjoyed it very much.
09-06-2011, 09:43 PM
p7 "at its heart" - typo
Nice job, Chris. Very slow build up, just as slow as needed. I really liked the fact that he wants to learn his farther's life work and discovers a single most important thing about fathering. It works for me on so many levels. You have a really good short in your hands, congrats.
09-07-2011, 07:12 PM
Formatted nicely. Not too wordy. The jumping between 2011 and 1973 is confusing at the end, who sees what exactly and who hears what, maybe a parenthetical 'JACKSON (From the machine) [Dialogue].
I was hoping it was just a machine that did nothing and Jackson obsessed over it, Phil was following in those footsteps but through the course of the story would realize Jack was more important than the machine in the basement. But it's a Keaton script so time travel machine it is.
Didn't care for this particular line of dialogue, "My dad and grandpa..." sounds like two different people.
Great job overall.
09-07-2011, 09:25 PM
I liked this a lot, Chris. I'm a sucker for this kind of sci-fi drama thing. It reminds me of Frequency.
"Tears well in Phil’s eyes.
This was my father’s last experiment.
He died before he could finish it.
Sheryl turns and embraces Phil."
Pretty cheesy. Cut the tears, and maybe the embrace as well.
The end feels rushed, and since you were maxing out the ten page limit, I assume it was. I think if you gave it some breathing room Phil's choice to pay attention to his son would feel more deserved and realistic.
This one was definitely a page turner for me, I was hooked from early on and had to keep reading to find out the ending. I could definitely imagine it as a film.
09-07-2011, 09:39 PM
@Sunk99 and KhamIsk - Thanks for the review. I'm not sure how I got so may typos in this. :(
@Mobie540 - Well it was a Keaton script, just be glad everyone didn't die at the end. :)
@Jason - Drama and Me = Cheese. Usually I write something that has no chance of getting produced for this contest, but now I'm trying to only write stuff that can be filmed. It's ready for your genius. :)
09-11-2011, 12:53 PM
Good story. But there were a couple of things I didn't really get:
- The guy is 40 years old and only just starts tidying the basement. Once he decides to start tidying he doesn't look under the biggest thing there? Maybe it would be better if he uncovers this thing at the beginning (no need for the wife to do it)? Perhaps he has just inherited the house from a relative or something (to explain why he's never looked down there).
- The ending is sweet, but it kind seems odd that the father (Jackson) is giving his son fatherly advice about seizing what is important (his son) while he is ignoring him as a child behind him - they kind of cancel each other out?
Good story though, with a nice circularity to it.
09-11-2011, 04:34 PM
Thanks Simon. The advice given by his father was accidental. Jackson was speaking of his experiment, but he realized that his son was more important, especially after being reminded how his father treated him.
09-11-2011, 10:07 PM
A-ha, that makes more sense, my-bad!
11-06-2011, 03:08 PM
I know i did the poster and i'm on team keaton, but this script totally worked for me, in both an emotional and logical sense.
I would love to see this made, it reminds me of my favorite show from the 80's AMAZING STORIES. It's a story of obsession and redemption, it's thought provoking and sentimental. Maybe because I'm a guy with a great relationship with my dad because he always made time for me... this really hit home for me. great writing keaton.
11-06-2011, 03:23 PM
Team Keaton. lol
Thanks Matt. You know the next fest is drama fest. :)