View Full Version : Desolation Road
07-28-2011, 08:31 PM
"I walk the lonely road, the only road I have ever known"
Oklahoma, 1934. A desperate woman's tragic search for her wayward husband finally comes to an end.
07-29-2011, 07:42 AM
Interesting. Nice poster.
07-29-2011, 06:13 PM
Beautiful poster, dude!
08-09-2011, 08:06 PM
Looks like a classic book cover, super cool.
08-27-2011, 09:39 AM
I like this time period, can't wait to read it. Just finished Stephen King's 1922, not quite the same time frame but loved the visuals of this era.
08-27-2011, 12:36 PM
Like the poster, but not really the font. Wish there was a logline though.
Looks like this contest is gaining in popularity.
09-01-2011, 06:54 PM
I'm guessing GRAPES OF WRATH meets Malik's DAYS OF HEAVEN. -- My total blind guess is that the husband and wife are father and daughter.
Good image. That's a roaring 20's font though. Also a tip on the poster. the foreground usually desaturates and gets a shade lighter the further back you go.
That subtle little detail would really help blend the separation of images. Can we crit the poster? Lol.
Break a leg.
09-05-2011, 06:12 PM
****Dont' read reviews until you've read the script.
- I know you are a director, but a writer shouldn't direct from the the script. :)
- Is this voice over from a character we'll meet later? If so name them.
- Wait this voice over is quoting White Snake.
- Your spacing looks odd. I think you have double spaces after your periods, but I'm not sure that's the only thing. Who knows it looks odd to me. It could be the alcohol.
- Your WOMAN has an 0 in her name 'W0MAN'. Wow, I'm finding the nit pickiest of stuff.
- You need an extra space before your scene heading to ease the read.
- Once we get into the town I'm not feeling the 'depression'.
- Page 6 'I GO no use for you..'
- I hope they are ghosts.
- On second thought I don't think the opening voice over is needed.
Hah, you got the twist in just after we figured it out, perfect timing! I loved it. Being a period piece and having an period town would really stop it from being produced, but it was a good ghost story.
09-05-2011, 09:28 PM
1 - Give your character a name and show us she/he's doing voice-over with the parenthetical (V.O.)
1 - Good visual blocks, but maybe think about stripping them down to simple sentences. Same cool visuals though. Just think 3rd grader simplicity in the read. That way it flies by.
2 - That's a 'zero' instead of an 'O' - easy one. My favorite is 'p' instead of 'o'
4 - You got me with the WOMAN / EDNA. I wasn't realizing it was the same person. I just intro them as 'EDNA' right off the bat when it's not pertinent to the story. Makes it easier for the reader to relate to them. You are god, sir. Name your children...
10 - The elipse (...) is for audio fading out. If you want to cut off use this— use the dash at the end of what ever you are cuttin—
Good story. The first pages had some flower, but it became way more fluid as I read it. Could be more stripped and less prose-esque in format. I like the twist. It's clever, heartfelt and creepy.
09-06-2011, 02:09 PM
OK, Richard, opening the file.
Maybe that first character "VOICE-OVER" could be called NARRATOR?
Wow, great descriptive writing.
Something looks wrong with the character name "WOMAN"... I am pretty sure that's a zero instead of an "O'... Sorry. I don't know why I pick up on these things.
If anyone tells you their name means "Devil"... run!!! Am I right?
Mr. Devil is taking them to Devil town. This can't end well.
I suspect foreshadowing. I am already creeped out.
Maybe call Edna her name from the beginning.
Oh THEY were the ghosts!! I thought they were in danger. Nice misdirection. I never saw that coming at all.
Man, that was a seriously creepy ghost story. Haunting even. You really nailed the mood, which is the hardest part IMHO. This would be so creepy to watch in the theatre. The dread would be palpable.
Also, great job giving a Depression Era feel to this... I'm in awe because I think historical fiction is SO DIFFICULT to write.
Really well done.
09-06-2011, 02:30 PM
There are many ghost stories but you didn't just write a mindless ghost story, you put quite some drama in it. And that's why I really liked it - the woman was waiting for her husband and as a ghost she reunites with him, presumably over and over.
Creepy and nice. The dramatic impact made it this good, I think.
I'm not sure if you need the very last scene. It adds more of a "ghostly", but the drama - the drama is over by then. I really liked the drama aspect of it.
09-06-2011, 06:17 PM
I give script criticism by the line as I read.
Pg 1 CLOOTIE HAWKINS **Love the name. Love the opening visuals.
Pg 2 The devil. **Hmmm...peaked my interest so I googled it. Yep - Scottish term.
Pg 3 We we're walking **typo BTW your dialogue is very believable.
Pg 7 CLOOTIE Get up off your ass and go to them. **Reading stumble. Add dialogue to previous same character.
This can't be happening over and over **Given this shouldn't she have known where is was in town?
Pg 8 CLootie looks in the window **L capitalized
Take me to where you found them. **Let me guess - they're dead?
Pg 9 into the cab **truck
EXT. COUNTRY ROAD - DAY **Hmmm...I would have thought fade to black.
Pg 10 **I liked the additional ending with the Dad. I might suggest changing day to night for the ghost scenes - more ghosty. :)
Not sure if it's a drama genre. Excellent story and very well written.
09-08-2011, 09:43 AM
I really liked this. Nice twist (and I don't like twists generally). I especially like the powerful punch the ending packs, with the father joining his family on their long walk.
Besides the typos other people mentioned, there was one scene where you attributed dialogue to SARAH that I believe belongs to EDNA.
My only real problem was the opening Green Day narration. The association with Boulevard of Broken Dreams fights against the setting and time period.
09-08-2011, 10:23 AM
......My only real problem was the opening Green Day narration. The association with Boulevard of Broken Dreams fights against the setting and time period.
Hah, I thought it was White Snake. :)
09-08-2011, 10:49 AM
White Snake has a similar lyric too:
"An' here I go again on my own
Goin' down the only road I've ever known,
Like a drifter I was born to walk alone"
But Green Day's is:
"I walk a lonely road
the only road that I have ever known"
09-08-2011, 11:20 AM
The original quote - where I first read it - comes from Johannes Eckhart - (ca. 1260-1327), a German Dominican mystic. I read it when we were doing research on a documentary I shot in Europe about fifteen years ago and I always wanted to use it. I guess Green Day stole it before I could. Of course, Johannes might have cribbed it from someone else 700 years ago. :)
09-08-2011, 12:07 PM
I was wondering if it was from something else. I assumed you wouldn't quote Green Day in a Depression piece. I searched Google to see if anything else came up, but after 3 pages of Green Day and White Snake lyrics, I gave up.
09-10-2011, 05:20 PM
No complaints, well written. I like the visuals. Great job.
09-11-2011, 01:28 PM
This is a nice twist on the old vanishing hitchhiker myth (that one seems surprisingly underused in films). I like the fact that you misdirected the audience to begin with (I figured Clootie was taking them on a journey to hell).
Solid story. Good ending.