An idea I have had for a while

[stroxell82]

Hello fellow writers and or film makers. I wrote this rough screenplay
this morning. I was bored and I have had this idea for a movie for a while now
Thought I would post it on here since there wasn't anything here. It is only
like 36 pages as of right now but like I said its just a rough draft. positve feedback
is welcome. Hell even negative feed back is welcome if you cant take negative feedback then you have no place making films to begin with! Anyways here it is
and just a warning it is very vile very harsh language and so on thats my style and its only gonna get worst. I think im gonna call it Machete but I dont know yet
anyway enjoy.







Fade In:

We see the open road beautiful hills surrounding it.
A pickup truck zooms by. The camera pans down as it passes.


Cut To: INT-PICKUP TRUCK

We see a hand fiddling with the radio. The camera moves up the arm to reveal SARAH.


SARAH
There isn’t shit on.


CUT TO: BACKSEAT

MIKE is sitting with his arm around AMY.


MIKE
Well that’s good Sarah.
We didn’t want to hear Michael
Jackson anyways.


Sarah turns around and gives Mike the finger.


SARAH
Fuck off Mike.


MIKE
Ease up there killer
I was just messing.


The camera moves up front to reveal LARRY driving at the wheel. Sarah looks at him and smiles warmly.


SARAH
How much longer?


LARRY
Not far 25 miles or so. (Continued)
AMY
Can we stop?


LARRY
What for?


AMY
I need to use the
Girls room.


MIKE
Yeah it’s been like 2 hours
Since we last stopped. I
Could use a good stretch before
We reach the campground.


We see the truck drive off into the distance.


CUT TO: INT-GAS STATION


Mike is looking at a magazine, Larry and Sarah are
Looking at some souvenirs. The clerk senses they are from
Out of town.


CLERK
Were you folks from?

LARRY
We’re from Indiana.

CLERK
Indiana eh? I used to date
A narcoleptic hooker from there.
Before I lost
My prostate in a blender accident.

LARRY
That’s pretty gross dude.

CLERK
Yeah it looks like I got a blowjob
From a hungry beaver or something.
CLERK (CONTINUED)
Want to see?

The Clerk starts to reach in his pants.


LARRY
Whoa! That’s ok dude.

CLERK
Alright then. SO were are you guys heading?

SARAH
Twin Pine Campgrounds.


The Clerk gets a distressed look on his face. He is afraid.


CLERK
Your all going to die!


Mike walks over to the counter.


MIKE:
Alright I think it’s time to leave.

LARRY
Yeah I hear that.


The 3 start to exit.


CLERK
You folks have a nice day!


AS they leave Amy comes out of the bathroom and
Head for the exit.


CLERK (A VERY CRYPTIC VOICE)
Your dead.


Amy looks confused and exit’s the store.
CUT TO: EXT:GAS STATION

Amy gets into the car.


AMY
What the hell was up with that guy?


SARAH
He was just some crazy
Old lunatic.


They drive away.


CUT TO: EXT:TWIN PINES CAMPGROUND

WE see the pickup truck drive under the entrance
Sign and head up a small gravel road. The place is
filled with all sorts of life. There are kids running about
husbands tend to there pit fires while the wives mingle
With one another. We stop in front of the camps main building. Over to the passenger side we see a midget standing there he is giving our gang a stare
He removes his shirt and stands with his hands on his
Hips like he is a bad ass.


MIKE
Whats up with the midget?


LARRY
Never mind him. I will be back.
I’m going to check us in and
Get our keys.


CUT TO: INT-CAMP MAIN BUILDING

Larry walks in. The room is very dim but yet
Very cozy. There are various awards, permits and
Such scattered about the walls. Larry reaches a
Desk. He rings the little bell.


LARRY
Hello?


MAN (O.S.)
Be there in a second.


Larry examines the place while he waits. Larry turns
Back toward the desk and is startled. Standing behind
The desk is a man who looks to be in his forties dressed
In tight leather pants a sleazy tight leather vest with
A tight leather spiked collar complete with a leash. He
Is wearing a tight leather mask that covers his whole head
And face with a zipper were the mouth is. He is also holding
A big black dildo.


MAN
Can I help you?


LARRY
Um yeah I had a reservation.


Larry is very uncomfortable.


MAN
Name please?


LARRY
Larry Stevens.


MAN
Ok one minute while I
Look it up in our database.


The man picks up a book off the desk and starts licking it
He then begins rubbing it all over his dick.


MAN
Yeah you fucking like that book?
Yeah I know you do.

Larry just stands there he doesn’t
know what the hell to do. The man
Stops humping the book. He opens it up
And lays it on the table.


MAN
Sign here please.


He slaps the dildo down on the spot were Larry has to sign.


MAN
While I get your keys please
Read our cabin policy guide.

He unzips his pants and pulls out a sheet of paper
And lays it on the desk. Larry is very disturbed by
This point.


MAN
Now you read that I’ll get your keys.


Larry starts looking over the paper. He makes sure not to
Touch it.


MAN
DOUG! Get your ass in here!


Moments later a woman in her forties come walking in the room she looks like your typical house wife.


MAN
This is my wife Doug.


LARRY
Hello (hesitates) Doug.



DOUG
Hello young man.
Doug turns back around to the man.


DOUG
Yes Herman dear what can I do for you?


HERMAN
Get me the key for cabin
Number 23 bitch.


He smacks her across the face with the dildo.
Doug leaves the room. Larry resumes the reading of
The policy. Herman starts rubbing Larry’s face with
The dildo. Larry try’s to just move his face but
Herman keeps up with him. Larry smack the dildo away.


LARRY
Fucking stop dude!


HERMAN
Sorry.


Doug enters the room with the key. Herman holds
Out the dildo Doug puts the key ring on the dildo.
Doug leaves the room. Herman points the keys over
Towards Larry.


HERMAN
Here you go pecker breath.


Larry very disgustingly takes the keys off
The dildo. He is glad to be getting out of there.
Larry begins walking away.


HERMAN
I stick all the cabin keys
Up my ass.


Larry cringes as he walks out.


CUT TO: INT-PICKUP TRUCK


Larry gets in the truck.


SARAH
What’s wrong?


LARRY
Nothing but just steer
Clear of Herman the camp manager.


CUT TO: EXT-CAMP MAIN BUILDING


The pickup truck drives away from the building.

[stroxell82]

CUT TO: EXT-CABIN#23


Our 4 companions exit the truck and precede to
The tailgate to get their belongings.


MIKE
Not to shabby Larry.


AMY
Yeah it should do quite nicely.


LARRY
As long as it doesn’t have spiders
Then I’m cool with it.


CUT TO: INT-CABIN#23


We are seeing the POV of our companions as they
Open the door and get there first glance at there
Home for the next couple of day’s. A creepy slasher
Style music is playing as the camera slowly pans from
Left to right it then turns around to reveal our gang
Standing there in the doorway.


LARRY
Turn that boom box off for
A second Mike.


Mike turns off the boom box. The creepy music stops.


AMY
I like it.


SARAH
Lets get settled in.


They all agree and start to unpack there stuff.


CUT TO EXT-CABIN#23


There is someone or something lurking outside the cabin
We cant tell what it is because we are seeing it’s POV
It gets closer and closer it makes it way to the door
It enters the cabin it lurks up behind Mike. Mike turns
Around……


MIKE
Holy shit!


The rest of them turn around and start screaming
There is a clown in the cabin he is just like one
You would see in the circus. Bright red hair which
Is only on each side and bald in the middle he has
A red nose with white face paint and red circles on his cheeks He has a big bow tie complete with a red and yellow
Suit with big floppy red shoes.


MIKE
Who the fuck are you!
And what the fuck are you doing
Here in our cabin!

CLOWN
I’m so sorry let me introduce
Myself. My name Rod but you
Can just call me clown.


MIKE
Well clown what the fuck
Are you doing in our cabin!?


CLOWN
I provide entertainment for
The children here. The camp
Director has me stay in cabin
Number 22 while I’m here. I just wanted
To welcome you to Twin Pines.


MIKE
Well next time knock. Goddamn you
Scared the hell out of us.


They all start laughing and a sense of relief
Fills the air.


CLOWN
Yeah it made me think of
The time I had a few kids
In a closet with me.


The laughing stops.


CUT TO:EXT-CABIN#23


We our looking at the door to the cabin. Larry
And Mike toss the clown out the door. They shut the door
Behind them. Clown gets up and brushes himself off.


CLOWN (Yelling)
Like you never fucked a kid before!

He storms off.

CUT TO:EXT-CABIN#23-NIGHT


The camera pans right on the outside
Of the cabin. We can see light coming out
The windows.


CUT TO:INT-CABIN#23


Larry, Sarah, Mike and Amy are sitting down
At a round table. Beer cans and other drinks
Fill the table along side with food. Cigarette
Smoke fills the air. Mike is just finishing up
A scary story.


MIKE
He then took the magic oatmeal
And sprinkled it on the crypt of the wizard.
Him the dog and the flying carpet
Lived happily ever after. The end.


AMY
Mike that was the stupidest
Story I ever heard.


MIKE
Whatever man. That part
With the meatloaf was pretty cool.


SARAH
Mike he mad a boat out of meatloaf
That was fueled by pancake mix.


LARRY
That was pretty lame dude.


MIKE
Whatever. I mad at you guys now.



AMY
How about we go into the
Bedroom and I give you a blowjob?


MIKE
Okay I’m not mad anymore.


Mike and Amy get up and exit the room.
Larry and Sarah are alone now. Now they can
Talk.


LARRY
Those two huh?


SARAH
Yeah they are a trip.


LARRY
Are you enjoying it here?


SARAH
Yes I am. Thank you for
Setting all this up.


LARRY
I just know you need a break
For all that has happened to you.


Sarah looks at Larry they get closer and closer
They start kissing slowly. A beautiful love music
Starts playing. The camera pans over to the window
Herman is staring thru the window.


HERMAN
Give her a hot Carl.

The music comes to a screeching halt.
Larry looks over were Herman is.


LARRY
Herman. What are you doing over there?


HERMAN
Jacking off.


LARRY
Why? We are only kissing.


HERMAN
Yes that is true but I’m
A sick bastard.


LARRY
Well you know Amy
Is giving Mike some head
In the next room. Why don’t you
Go check that out.


HERMAN
I was not aware of this
Thank you Larry. As a reward
I will give you 25 bucks off
The cabin and a hand job.


LARRY
25 bucks off is quite enough Herman.


Herman leaves the window. Larry looks back
At Sarah. The love music starts up again
They embrace each other again. The camera pans
Up from them.

CUT TO:INT-BATHROOMS-NIGHT


The janitor is mopping up the floor while singing
Michael Bolton. A strange noise can be heard outside.
He stops to investigate.


CUT TO:EXT-BATHOOMS


The janitor standing outside the door
Way looks around for someone or something.


JANITOR
Hello?


He takes a few steps out.


JANITOR
Anyone there?


We see a POV of someone or something watching
The janitor from a distance.


JANITOR
Fucking kids.


The POV moves very fast until it is behind
The Janitor. The Janitor freezes he feels there is
Something behind him. His heart races he clinches his fist
He turns around and bam! There is nothing there.


JANITOR
Whew. Shit man.


He walks back inside the bathrooms.


CUT TO:INT-BATHROOMS


The Janitor resumes his mopping duties
Now he starts opening the stalls and mopping them.
One by one he opens them and mops he reaches the last
Stall. He opens it up and bam! A knife plunges into
His gut. All we see is the hand and the arm of the
Killer. The Janitor falls to the ground. There is blood
Coming out his mouth. He is looking up.
We see the killer arm lift up again and stab
The Janitor a huge amount of blood spays
Everywhere. We keeps seeing the killers arm stab
The Janitor over and over it is a bloodbath.
Finally the killer seems like he is done. We only
See from his chest on down. He walks out of frame
But returns moments later with a big rock. We see
A shot of two hands holding a rock and then it plunges
Down. Right at the moment of contact we cut.

[stroxell82]

CUT TO:INT-CABIN#23-MORNING


We see Larry on a couch with Sarah
In his arms sleeping with him. Larry
Slowly wakes up. He looks at Sarah and
Smiles. He touches her face. She smiles
As she wakes up.


SARAH
Morning.


LARRY
Morning.


SARAH
Did you sleep good?


LARRY
Of course I did.
I was next to you.


Sarah smiles and gets up from the couch.
Larry follows.


SARAH
So what is on the agenda today?


LARRY
I figure you and I would spend
Some time alone for a while.
SARAH
I would like that.


LARRY
We can take a walk. Just
You and me and the beauty of nature.
Later we can go canoeing and maybe
Have a nice quite picnic in the afternoon.


The camera pans from them over to Mike who is
Standing there while scratching his balls.



MIKE
Dude you sound like a
Total fagot.


LARRY
We’ll talk later babe.


Sarah nods.


MIKE
Let’s hit the showers man.



CUT TO: EXT-DIRT ROAD


We see Larry and Mike as they make there way
To the showers.


MIKE
How is Sarah holding up?


LARRY
She is holding up the
Best she can.


MIKE
Yeah.


LARRY
She just hasn’t been the
Same since her dad was lost
At sea.


MIKE
Speaking of that I have
A question.


LARRY
Ok shoot.


MIKE
Well we live in
Indiana.


LARRY
Yeah? What’s your point?


MIKE
Well how the hell did her
Dad get lost at sea! We aren’t
Even near one! Let alone he didn’t
Even own a boat.


LARRY
Guess I never thought of it
That way.


They stop dead in their tracks. Standing in
Front of them is clown. He has his arms crossed.


CLOWN
Well look who we have here.
A couple of douche bags.
Did you fall
Out of a smelly vagina?
MIKE
What do you want clown?


CLOWN
That wasn’t very nice
What you did to me the
Other day.


MIKE
You deserved it dick.


CLOWN
How dare you! You just
Watch yourself buddy.
I’ll fuck you in the ass!


LARRY
No one is afraid of a clown.
Now piss off.


CLOWN
Your both dead.


Clown walks on by them. Larry and Mike turn
Around to make sure he goes on his way.
Clown gets about 10 feet away from them and
Turns around to them.


CLOWN
Fuck you!


He puts his hands on his nuts and
Squeezes them it makes a honking sound
He give them the finger and walks away.


CUT TO:INT-SHOWERS-LARRY’S STALL


We see Larry from the waist up he is soaking
In all the hot water.

CUT TO:INT-CABIN#23


Sarah and Amy are sitting at the table
Over a hot cup of coffee.


AMY
Is it good?


SARAH
Yes thank you. So
How are things with
You and Mike?


AMY
Mike he is a sweetheart
All though a little crazy
But I love him all the same.


Sarah smiles.


AMY
What about you and Larry?


SARAH
Larry has been there for
Me. He has been my rock
Ever since my dad was lost at sea.


Amy puts her hand on Sarah’s


AMY
If he is not around
And you need to talk you
Know you can always talk to me.


SARAH
I know.


She puts her hand on Amy’s.
CLOWN (O.S.)
You dumb bitch’s.


The camera pans behind them to
Reveal Clown standing in the doorway.


AMY
What the hell are you
Talking about clown?


CLOWN
You know just as good
As I do that character
Development isn’t necessary
For a slasher flick like this.


SARAH
What do you want clown!


CLOWN
I’ve come to fuck you up.


AMY
What the hell did
We do to you?


CLOWN
Your boyfriends beat
Me up the other day.


SARAH
And?


CLOWN
And I’m to much of
A pussy to take them on
So I’m gonna bitch slap both of you!



Amy walks over to clown.



AMY
You don’t have to
Do this Clown.


CLOWN
Shut it bitch!


Clown punches Amy across the face.
She goes flying to the floor.


SARAH
Oh that’s it!


Sarah come flying in with a jump kick
She hits clown in the chest he stumbles
Back.


CLOWN
Your asking for it
Giggle tits!


Clown does a spin kick and hits
Sarah across the face. She hit’s the floor
Amy kicks clown in the nuts from the floor
Clown cringes in pain and stumble back.
Amy and Sarah get up. They assume a fighting
Stance. Clown pulls out a switch blade.
He lunges at Amy but she swiftly dodges it
And kick him in the ass. He takes a stab at
Sarah she grabs his hand and flips him over.
Sarah and Amy run over to clown and start
Kicking the shit out of him.


CUT TO:EXT-CABIN#23


We see Clown go flying out the door again.
He hit’s the ground hard.

SARAH
Don’t come back you pussy.


She slams the door.
Clown gets up. He is so mad he is kicking and
Screaming making weird noises.


CUT TO:SHOWERS-LARRY’S STALL


Larry still enjoying his shower.
He thinks he hears a noise he turns around
To see Herbert standing in front of him. Herbert
Is naked except he is still wearing the mask.


LARRY
Herbert what are you
Doing in here with me?


HERBERT
I’m sorry I didn’t know
Anyone was in this shower.


LARRY
How long have you been
Standing there?


HERBERT
About 20 minutes or so.


LARRY
That’s about how long
I have been in here Herbert.


HERBERT
Oh I didn’t see you there.


LARRY
Why do you have an erection?

HERBERT
I’ve had that all day.


LARRY
Get the fuck out of here.


HERBERT
Alright then.


Herbert leaves the shower. Larry puts his shorts on.
As he leaves the shower he tosses a soap wrapper in the trash barrel. The camera zooms in on the trash barrel
To reveal the corpse of the Janitor.

[stroxell82]

CUT TO:EXT-CABIN#22


We see clown limping up to his cabin
He reaches for his door and opens it
And bam he is hit in the head with a hammer
Blood spurts everywhere he falls to the ground
We see only a pair of hands drag clown Inside.


CUT TO:INT-CABIN#23



MIKE
What the hell happened here?


Mike looks around the cabin. It definitely looks
Like something went down.


AMY
Clown was here fighting us.


LARRY
Oh my god are you two alright?



AMY
Yeah we fucked him up.



SARAH
He got in a
Few good shots


MIKE
That’s it man! I’m going to
Go fuck his shit up!


AMY
No need we got him pretty good.


MIKE
Fuck that he is dead!


Mike storms off.


LARRY
Should I go help him?


AMY
Nah he’ll be alright.



SARAH
I need some fresh air.
Ready for that walk?


LARRY
Lets.


He holds his arm out. Sarah takes it.




AMY
Have fun you two.


They leave the cabin.


CUT TO:EXT-CABIN#22


Mike storms up the path and to the door
Of the cabin. He goes to bang it but realizes
Its open. He spots some blood on the stairs
He open’s the door and sees clown completely
Dismembered.


MIKE
Holy shit! They weren’t lying
When they said they fucked him up.


Mike leaves the cabin in a hurry.


CUT TO:EXT-TRAIL


Larry and Sarah are walking down the trail
Hand in hand. Birds can be heard chirping
It is a beautiful path.


LARRY
It’s beautiful here isn’t it?


SARAH
Very much so.


LARRY
Come over here with me


Larry leads Sarah off the path and into a
Clearing there is a blanket spread out.
Sarah smiles .

LARRY
I though you would like
This spot.


SARAH
It’s beautiful Larry.


LARRY
Come lay down.


They lay down on the blanket the stare
At each other with one elbow on the ground
With there hands supporting there heads.


LARRY
I love you.


CUT TO:INT-CABIN#23


Mike comes busting in. Amy is relaxing on the couch.


AMY
What’s wrong?


MIKE
What do you mean what’s wrong!
You hacked that clown to small
Little bits!


AMY
Um no.


MIKE
What do you mean?


AMY
We fought here and then
Threw him out. Why what’s wrong?
MIKE
He’s dead.


AMY
What! Are you sure?


MIKE
Oh yeah he’s beyond dead.


CUT TO:EXT:CABIN#23


Thru the killers POV We can see Mikes back in the doorway
Of the cabin. He walks slowly toward Mike.


CUT TO:INT:CABIN#23


AMY
What are we going to do!?


MIKE
We need to go find Larry
And Sarah then we…


AMY
Oh my god Mike!
Behind you!


Before Mike has a chance to react a machete plunges
Thru his back and out his stomach. Amy watches in
Terror as Mike falls dead. We now can see the Killer’s
Face. It is Herbert and actually we cant see his face
He is still wearing the mask. He comes for Amy.
Amy is terrified she doesn’t know what to do Herbert
Pulls the machete out of Mikes corpse. Amy runs down the hall and into the bedroom.


CUT TO:INT:CABIN#23-BEDROOM


Amy franticly scoots a dresser to block the door.
Herbert is banging relentlessly on it. Amy runs over to the
Window try’s to open it but she slips up because she is
So scared. Finally she gets it opened and falls thru it.


CUT TO:EXT:CABIN#23


Amy hit’s the ground. She gets up and sees
Herbert coming around the house. She takes off
Running in the woods.


CUT TO:EXT:CLEARING


Larry and Sarah are kissing. They get a little
More serious with it. Larry starts to unzip her
Pants she stops him.


SARAH
I cant.


LARRY
How long have we been
Together now? 2 years?


SARAH
I know what your going to
Say but you know I am saving
Myself for marriage. Or Johnny Depp.


LARRY
Huh?


SARAH
Nothing.


They here Amy screaming.



SARAH
That’s Amy!


They get up and start running toward
The screams. They run into Amy. She is
Scared out of her mind.


SARAH
Amy what’s wrong!?


AMY
He killed Mike!


SARAH
What! Who did?


AMY
The man in the mask!


LARRY
Herbert! I thought he was
Just a queer or something!


We see Herbert come into screen.



AMY
It’s him run!


LARRY
Come on lets get to the truck.


They take of thru the woods.
We can see them running like hell
But Herbert is always behind them.
They reach the truck.



LARRY
Get in!


Without hesitation they all get in the truck.



LARRY
Ok lets run over this fucker.


Larry puts the key in the ignition and turns it
The car wont start. He tries again nothing.


LARRY
Who didn’t see that one
Coming a mile away huh.


They all laugh including Herbert who is
Standing outside the truck. After the chuckles
Herbert reaches in and pulls Amy out and
Hacks her up. Larry and Sarah watch in horror as
Blood sprays everywhere. After he is done he just stands
There.


SARAH
What’s he doing?


LARRY
I don’t know.


Herbert’s voice changes.


HERBERT
Sarah honey it’s me dad.


SARAH?
Dad?


Herbert removes the mask.
LARRY
John?


SARAH
Daddy?


JOHN
Yea baby it’s me.


Sarah gets out of the Truck.


LARRY
Sarah wait!


Larry gets out of the Truck.


Sarah is now face to face with her dad.


SARAH
I thought you were
Lost at sea.


JOHN
Honey We don’t live
Around water. I left you.


SARAH
But why?


JOHN
Because I want Larry.


John plunges his machete thru Sarah.
We see a close up of Larry everything
Is going in slow motion



LARRY
No!


Close up of John


John
Yes!


This happens about 5 times.


Sarah is laying on the ground she is
Bleeding profusely.


JOHN
Hurry up and say
Your goodbyes Larry.


Larry kneels down and holds Sarah in his arms.


Larry
Sarah no.


SARAH
Larry I’m scared.


LARRY
Don’t worry honey
Everything will be alright.


JOHN
Actually Sarah you just
Had a big fucking sword rammed
Thru your body it most likely hit
Some major organs. Your totally fucked.


LARRY
Shut the fuck up John!

SARAH
Larry before I die
There is something I
Must tell you..


She coughs up some blood.
Larry is crying.


LARRY
Don’t talk like that!


SARAH
Just listen to me. I’m
Not a virgin Larry.


LARRY
What? I though you
Were saving yourself for
Marriage.


SARAH
I lied. The truth is
I think you’re a pussy. I only
Dated you because I liked your truck
I have fucked over 40 guys since
I have been with you.


Larry is in complete disbelief.


SARAH
Remember that midget
When we first got here?
Him and the clown tagged
Teamed me while you
Slept last night. We
All laughed about it
When it was all said and done.


Larry looks totally defeated.


JOHN
I always knew you were
A slut but goddamn.


SARAH
Larry I hate
You more than anything.
You suck so bad.


Sarah dies. Larry just sit there


LARRY
Sarah I don’t know what to say
I loved you. I don’t know
What to do without you.


Sarah opens her eyes again.


SARAH
That’s because your stupid.


LARRY
Sarah your alive!


SARAH
Don’t get all excited
Bitch face. There is one
Last thing I have to tell
You.


LARRY
You do love me?


SARAH
No your grandpa fucked me
Pile driver style on your
Birthday and then your dad
Give me a chili dog.
Bitch.

Sarah dies for real this time.
Larry starts crying.


LARRY
Sarah no!


John smacks Larry in the back of the head.



JOHN
Quit acting like a bitch.
Come on I didn’t do all this
For no reason lets go fuck.


LARRY
Ok John.


Larry picks up the machete.


John
What are you doing!


LARRY
What the fuck does it look like?
I’m going to split your fucking
Head open!



JOHN
No!!!


With one swift stroke John is decapitated.
Larry get in his truck. It starts right up.
He just laughs and laughs.


FADE OUT:


Ok guys there ya have it. Thats is my twisted vision
in its early form hope some of you got a laugh or two.

[jmproductions13]

its definitely funny in a sick sort of way. at some points it seems a little hokey though. i would have never predicted that herbert was actually sarah's dad. i think some parts could be a bit more subtle especially in the beginning (ie. "you're all going to die"). I think just from the visuals on screen the audience will be able to infer that some bad stuff is gonna happen. the whole tone and setting will suggest it. at some points the dialogue doesn't seem natural, sort of forced. and at other times the dialogue seems very real. really the best scene in the movie is the whole dildo thing. i totally didn't expect any of that and it was really humerous. i think sitting down with a few friends and reading this through out loud will really help to clean up the dialogue and make it flow better. storywise its a sick twist on popular slasher flicks; a more creative story might lend itself to a more intriguing script. think about the characters, like why does john want to be with larry but end up killing him in the end. why does he kill his own daughter? overall i say pretty decent for just sitting down and writing but it needs some work in various areas. good job :)

[stroxell82]

Hey thanks for the advice There is quite a bit of things I'm gonna change
with it I had that idea for a long time so I just decided to sit down
and write it down.I think of it as more of a treatment right now I was kinda holding alot of stuff back because I plan on shooting this one day and I didnt want to put stuff I couldn't pull off Like I wanted the killings to be more gruesome
and original not just killer stabs the shit out of victim and I wanted to run over some little kids and stuff. You were right about the store clerk scene I will replace
it with something more subtle. This is the first time writing for me so yeah some of the dialog probally does sound forced in some spots.Will you give me an example
of one of my scenes that does sound natural and one that doesn't?That would help me out alot.I will spend some time thinking about my characters I thought it wasn't needed since I was doing a slaher but this isn't a normal slasher story
filled with clowns,midgets,dildo's and weird gay killers lol I am glad you didn't
expect Herbert to be sarah's dad that is what I was going for.Anyways thanks
for the advice and not being a flamer I look forward to hearing from you again.:]