View Full Version : An idea I have had for a while
04-14-2005, 12:04 PM
Hello fellow writers and or film makers. I wrote this rough screenplay
this morning. I was bored and I have had this idea for a movie for a while now
Thought I would post it on here since there wasn't anything here. It is only
like 36 pages as of right now but like I said its just a rough draft. positve feedback
is welcome. Hell even negative feed back is welcome if you cant take negative feedback then you have no place making films to begin with! Anyways here it is
and just a warning it is very vile very harsh language and so on thats my style and its only gonna get worst. I think im gonna call it Machete but I dont know yet
We see the open road beautiful hills surrounding it.
A pickup truck zooms by. The camera pans down as it passes.
Cut To: INT-PICKUP TRUCK
We see a hand fiddling with the radio. The camera moves up the arm to reveal SARAH.
There isnít shit on.
CUT TO: BACKSEAT
MIKE is sitting with his arm around AMY.
Well thatís good Sarah.
We didnít want to hear Michael
Sarah turns around and gives Mike the finger.
Fuck off Mike.
Ease up there killer
I was just messing.
The camera moves up front to reveal LARRY driving at the wheel. Sarah looks at him and smiles warmly.
How much longer?
Not far 25 miles or so. (Continued)
Can we stop?
I need to use the
Yeah itís been like 2 hours
Since we last stopped. I
Could use a good stretch before
We reach the campground.
We see the truck drive off into the distance.
CUT TO: INT-GAS STATION
Mike is looking at a magazine, Larry and Sarah are
Looking at some souvenirs. The clerk senses they are from
Out of town.
Were you folks from?
Weíre from Indiana.
Indiana eh? I used to date
A narcoleptic hooker from there.
Before I lost
My prostate in a blender accident.
Thatís pretty gross dude.
Yeah it looks like I got a blowjob
From a hungry beaver or something.
Want to see?
The Clerk starts to reach in his pants.
Whoa! Thatís ok dude.
Alright then. SO were are you guys heading?
Twin Pine Campgrounds.
The Clerk gets a distressed look on his face. He is afraid.
Your all going to die!
Mike walks over to the counter.
Alright I think itís time to leave.
Yeah I hear that.
The 3 start to exit.
You folks have a nice day!
AS they leave Amy comes out of the bathroom and
Head for the exit.
CLERK (A VERY CRYPTIC VOICE)
Amy looks confused and exitís the store.
CUT TO: EXT:GAS STATION
Amy gets into the car.
What the hell was up with that guy?
He was just some crazy
They drive away.
CUT TO: EXT:TWIN PINES CAMPGROUND
WE see the pickup truck drive under the entrance
Sign and head up a small gravel road. The place is
filled with all sorts of life. There are kids running about
husbands tend to there pit fires while the wives mingle
With one another. We stop in front of the camps main building. Over to the passenger side we see a midget standing there he is giving our gang a stare
He removes his shirt and stands with his hands on his
Hips like he is a bad ass.
Whats up with the midget?
Never mind him. I will be back.
Iím going to check us in and
Get our keys.
CUT TO: INT-CAMP MAIN BUILDING
Larry walks in. The room is very dim but yet
Very cozy. There are various awards, permits and
Such scattered about the walls. Larry reaches a
Desk. He rings the little bell.
Be there in a second.
Larry examines the place while he waits. Larry turns
Back toward the desk and is startled. Standing behind
The desk is a man who looks to be in his forties dressed
In tight leather pants a sleazy tight leather vest with
A tight leather spiked collar complete with a leash. He
Is wearing a tight leather mask that covers his whole head
And face with a zipper were the mouth is. He is also holding
A big black dildo.
Can I help you?
Um yeah I had a reservation.
Larry is very uncomfortable.
Ok one minute while I
Look it up in our database.
The man picks up a book off the desk and starts licking it
He then begins rubbing it all over his dick.
Yeah you fucking like that book?
Yeah I know you do.
Larry just stands there he doesnít
know what the hell to do. The man
Stops humping the book. He opens it up
And lays it on the table.
Sign here please.
He slaps the dildo down on the spot were Larry has to sign.
While I get your keys please
Read our cabin policy guide.
He unzips his pants and pulls out a sheet of paper
And lays it on the desk. Larry is very disturbed by
Now you read that Iíll get your keys.
Larry starts looking over the paper. He makes sure not to
DOUG! Get your ass in here!
Moments later a woman in her forties come walking in the room she looks like your typical house wife.
This is my wife Doug.
Hello (hesitates) Doug.
Hello young man.
Doug turns back around to the man.
Yes Herman dear what can I do for you?
Get me the key for cabin
Number 23 bitch.
He smacks her across the face with the dildo.
Doug leaves the room. Larry resumes the reading of
The policy. Herman starts rubbing Larryís face with
The dildo. Larry tryís to just move his face but
Herman keeps up with him. Larry smack the dildo away.
Fucking stop dude!
Doug enters the room with the key. Herman holds
Out the dildo Doug puts the key ring on the dildo.
Doug leaves the room. Herman points the keys over
Here you go pecker breath.
Larry very disgustingly takes the keys off
The dildo. He is glad to be getting out of there.
Larry begins walking away.
I stick all the cabin keys
Up my ass.
Larry cringes as he walks out.
CUT TO: INT-PICKUP TRUCK
Larry gets in the truck.
Nothing but just steer
Clear of Herman the camp manager.
CUT TO: EXT-CAMP MAIN BUILDING
The pickup truck drives away from the building.
04-14-2005, 12:06 PM
CUT TO: EXT-CABIN#23
Our 4 companions exit the truck and precede to
The tailgate to get their belongings.
Not to shabby Larry.
Yeah it should do quite nicely.
As long as it doesnít have spiders
Then Iím cool with it.
CUT TO: INT-CABIN#23
We are seeing the POV of our companions as they
Open the door and get there first glance at there
Home for the next couple of dayís. A creepy slasher
Style music is playing as the camera slowly pans from
Left to right it then turns around to reveal our gang
Standing there in the doorway.
Turn that boom box off for
A second Mike.
Mike turns off the boom box. The creepy music stops.
I like it.
Lets get settled in.
They all agree and start to unpack there stuff.
CUT TO EXT-CABIN#23
There is someone or something lurking outside the cabin
We cant tell what it is because we are seeing itís POV
It gets closer and closer it makes it way to the door
It enters the cabin it lurks up behind Mike. Mike turns
The rest of them turn around and start screaming
There is a clown in the cabin he is just like one
You would see in the circus. Bright red hair which
Is only on each side and bald in the middle he has
A red nose with white face paint and red circles on his cheeks He has a big bow tie complete with a red and yellow
Suit with big floppy red shoes.
Who the fuck are you!
And what the fuck are you doing
Here in our cabin!
Iím so sorry let me introduce
Myself. My name Rod but you
Can just call me clown.
Well clown what the fuck
Are you doing in our cabin!?
I provide entertainment for
The children here. The camp
Director has me stay in cabin
Number 22 while Iím here. I just wanted
To welcome you to Twin Pines.
Well next time knock. Goddamn you
Scared the hell out of us.
They all start laughing and a sense of relief
Fills the air.
Yeah it made me think of
The time I had a few kids
In a closet with me.
The laughing stops.
We our looking at the door to the cabin. Larry
And Mike toss the clown out the door. They shut the door
Behind them. Clown gets up and brushes himself off.
Like you never fucked a kid before!
He storms off.
The camera pans right on the outside
Of the cabin. We can see light coming out
Larry, Sarah, Mike and Amy are sitting down
At a round table. Beer cans and other drinks
Fill the table along side with food. Cigarette
Smoke fills the air. Mike is just finishing up
A scary story.
He then took the magic oatmeal
And sprinkled it on the crypt of the wizard.
Him the dog and the flying carpet
Lived happily ever after. The end.
Mike that was the stupidest
Story I ever heard.
Whatever man. That part
With the meatloaf was pretty cool.
Mike he mad a boat out of meatloaf
That was fueled by pancake mix.
That was pretty lame dude.
Whatever. I mad at you guys now.
How about we go into the
Bedroom and I give you a blowjob?
Okay Iím not mad anymore.
Mike and Amy get up and exit the room.
Larry and Sarah are alone now. Now they can
Those two huh?
Yeah they are a trip.
Are you enjoying it here?
Yes I am. Thank you for
Setting all this up.
I just know you need a break
For all that has happened to you.
Sarah looks at Larry they get closer and closer
They start kissing slowly. A beautiful love music
Starts playing. The camera pans over to the window
Herman is staring thru the window.
Give her a hot Carl.
The music comes to a screeching halt.
Larry looks over were Herman is.
Herman. What are you doing over there?
Why? We are only kissing.
Yes that is true but Iím
A sick bastard.
Well you know Amy
Is giving Mike some head
In the next room. Why donít you
Go check that out.
I was not aware of this
Thank you Larry. As a reward
I will give you 25 bucks off
The cabin and a hand job.
25 bucks off is quite enough Herman.
Herman leaves the window. Larry looks back
At Sarah. The love music starts up again
They embrace each other again. The camera pans
Up from them.
The janitor is mopping up the floor while singing
Michael Bolton. A strange noise can be heard outside.
He stops to investigate.
The janitor standing outside the door
Way looks around for someone or something.
He takes a few steps out.
We see a POV of someone or something watching
The janitor from a distance.
The POV moves very fast until it is behind
The Janitor. The Janitor freezes he feels there is
Something behind him. His heart races he clinches his fist
He turns around and bam! There is nothing there.
Whew. Shit man.
He walks back inside the bathrooms.
The Janitor resumes his mopping duties
Now he starts opening the stalls and mopping them.
One by one he opens them and mops he reaches the last
Stall. He opens it up and bam! A knife plunges into
His gut. All we see is the hand and the arm of the
Killer. The Janitor falls to the ground. There is blood
Coming out his mouth. He is looking up.
We see the killer arm lift up again and stab
The Janitor a huge amount of blood spays
Everywhere. We keeps seeing the killers arm stab
The Janitor over and over it is a bloodbath.
Finally the killer seems like he is done. We only
See from his chest on down. He walks out of frame
But returns moments later with a big rock. We see
A shot of two hands holding a rock and then it plunges
Down. Right at the moment of contact we cut.
04-14-2005, 12:07 PM
We see Larry on a couch with Sarah
In his arms sleeping with him. Larry
Slowly wakes up. He looks at Sarah and
Smiles. He touches her face. She smiles
As she wakes up.
Did you sleep good?
Of course I did.
I was next to you.
Sarah smiles and gets up from the couch.
So what is on the agenda today?
I figure you and I would spend
Some time alone for a while.
I would like that.
We can take a walk. Just
You and me and the beauty of nature.
Later we can go canoeing and maybe
Have a nice quite picnic in the afternoon.
The camera pans from them over to Mike who is
Standing there while scratching his balls.
Dude you sound like a
Weíll talk later babe.
Letís hit the showers man.
CUT TO: EXT-DIRT ROAD
We see Larry and Mike as they make there way
To the showers.
How is Sarah holding up?
She is holding up the
Best she can.
She just hasnít been the
Same since her dad was lost
Speaking of that I have
Well we live in
Yeah? Whatís your point?
Well how the hell did her
Dad get lost at sea! We arenít
Even near one! Let alone he didnít
Even own a boat.
Guess I never thought of it
They stop dead in their tracks. Standing in
Front of them is clown. He has his arms crossed.
Well look who we have here.
A couple of douche bags.
Did you fall
Out of a smelly vagina?
What do you want clown?
That wasnít very nice
What you did to me the
You deserved it dick.
How dare you! You just
Watch yourself buddy.
Iíll fuck you in the ass!
No one is afraid of a clown.
Now piss off.
Your both dead.
Clown walks on by them. Larry and Mike turn
Around to make sure he goes on his way.
Clown gets about 10 feet away from them and
Turns around to them.
He puts his hands on his nuts and
Squeezes them it makes a honking sound
He give them the finger and walks away.
CUT TO:INT-SHOWERS-LARRYíS STALL
We see Larry from the waist up he is soaking
In all the hot water.
Sarah and Amy are sitting at the table
Over a hot cup of coffee.
Is it good?
Yes thank you. So
How are things with
You and Mike?
Mike he is a sweetheart
All though a little crazy
But I love him all the same.
What about you and Larry?
Larry has been there for
Me. He has been my rock
Ever since my dad was lost at sea.
Amy puts her hand on Sarahís
If he is not around
And you need to talk you
Know you can always talk to me.
She puts her hand on Amyís.
You dumb bitchís.
The camera pans behind them to
Reveal Clown standing in the doorway.
What the hell are you
Talking about clown?
You know just as good
As I do that character
Development isnít necessary
For a slasher flick like this.
What do you want clown!
Iíve come to fuck you up.
What the hell did
We do to you?
Your boyfriends beat
Me up the other day.
And Iím to much of
A pussy to take them on
So Iím gonna bitch slap both of you!
Amy walks over to clown.
You donít have to
Do this Clown.
Shut it bitch!
Clown punches Amy across the face.
She goes flying to the floor.
Oh thatís it!
Sarah come flying in with a jump kick
She hits clown in the chest he stumbles
Your asking for it
Clown does a spin kick and hits
Sarah across the face. She hitís the floor
Amy kicks clown in the nuts from the floor
Clown cringes in pain and stumble back.
Amy and Sarah get up. They assume a fighting
Stance. Clown pulls out a switch blade.
He lunges at Amy but she swiftly dodges it
And kick him in the ass. He takes a stab at
Sarah she grabs his hand and flips him over.
Sarah and Amy run over to clown and start
Kicking the shit out of him.
We see Clown go flying out the door again.
He hitís the ground hard.
Donít come back you pussy.
She slams the door.
Clown gets up. He is so mad he is kicking and
Screaming making weird noises.
CUT TO:SHOWERS-LARRYíS STALL
Larry still enjoying his shower.
He thinks he hears a noise he turns around
To see Herbert standing in front of him. Herbert
Is naked except he is still wearing the mask.
Herbert what are you
Doing in here with me?
Iím sorry I didnít know
Anyone was in this shower.
How long have you been
About 20 minutes or so.
Thatís about how long
I have been in here Herbert.
Oh I didnít see you there.
Why do you have an erection?
Iíve had that all day.
Get the fuck out of here.
Herbert leaves the shower. Larry puts his shorts on.
As he leaves the shower he tosses a soap wrapper in the trash barrel. The camera zooms in on the trash barrel
To reveal the corpse of the Janitor.
04-14-2005, 12:08 PM
We see clown limping up to his cabin
He reaches for his door and opens it
And bam he is hit in the head with a hammer
Blood spurts everywhere he falls to the ground
We see only a pair of hands drag clown Inside.
What the hell happened here?
Mike looks around the cabin. It definitely looks
Like something went down.
Clown was here fighting us.
Oh my god are you two alright?
Yeah we fucked him up.
He got in a
Few good shots
Thatís it man! Iím going to
Go fuck his shit up!
No need we got him pretty good.
Fuck that he is dead!
Mike storms off.
Should I go help him?
Nah heíll be alright.
I need some fresh air.
Ready for that walk?
He holds his arm out. Sarah takes it.
Have fun you two.
They leave the cabin.
Mike storms up the path and to the door
Of the cabin. He goes to bang it but realizes
Its open. He spots some blood on the stairs
He openís the door and sees clown completely
Holy shit! They werenít lying
When they said they fucked him up.
Mike leaves the cabin in a hurry.
Larry and Sarah are walking down the trail
Hand in hand. Birds can be heard chirping
It is a beautiful path.
Itís beautiful here isnít it?
Very much so.
Come over here with me
Larry leads Sarah off the path and into a
Clearing there is a blanket spread out.
Sarah smiles .
I though you would like
Itís beautiful Larry.
Come lay down.
They lay down on the blanket the stare
At each other with one elbow on the ground
With there hands supporting there heads.
I love you.
Mike comes busting in. Amy is relaxing on the couch.
What do you mean whatís wrong!
You hacked that clown to small
What do you mean?
We fought here and then
Threw him out. Why whatís wrong?
What! Are you sure?
Oh yeah heís beyond dead.
Thru the killers POV We can see Mikes back in the doorway
Of the cabin. He walks slowly toward Mike.
What are we going to do!?
We need to go find Larry
And Sarah then weÖ
Oh my god Mike!
Before Mike has a chance to react a machete plunges
Thru his back and out his stomach. Amy watches in
Terror as Mike falls dead. We now can see the Killerís
Face. It is Herbert and actually we cant see his face
He is still wearing the mask. He comes for Amy.
Amy is terrified she doesnít know what to do Herbert
Pulls the machete out of Mikes corpse. Amy runs down the hall and into the bedroom.
Amy franticly scoots a dresser to block the door.
Herbert is banging relentlessly on it. Amy runs over to the
Window tryís to open it but she slips up because she is
So scared. Finally she gets it opened and falls thru it.
Amy hitís the ground. She gets up and sees
Herbert coming around the house. She takes off
Running in the woods.
Larry and Sarah are kissing. They get a little
More serious with it. Larry starts to unzip her
Pants she stops him.
How long have we been
Together now? 2 years?
I know what your going to
Say but you know I am saving
Myself for marriage. Or Johnny Depp.
They here Amy screaming.
They get up and start running toward
The screams. They run into Amy. She is
Scared out of her mind.
Amy whatís wrong!?
He killed Mike!
What! Who did?
The man in the mask!
Herbert! I thought he was
Just a queer or something!
We see Herbert come into screen.
Itís him run!
Come on lets get to the truck.
They take of thru the woods.
We can see them running like hell
But Herbert is always behind them.
They reach the truck.
Without hesitation they all get in the truck.
Ok lets run over this fucker.
Larry puts the key in the ignition and turns it
The car wont start. He tries again nothing.
Who didnít see that one
Coming a mile away huh.
They all laugh including Herbert who is
Standing outside the truck. After the chuckles
Herbert reaches in and pulls Amy out and
Hacks her up. Larry and Sarah watch in horror as
Blood sprays everywhere. After he is done he just stands
Whatís he doing?
I donít know.
Herbertís voice changes.
Sarah honey itís me dad.
Herbert removes the mask.
Yea baby itís me.
Sarah gets out of the Truck.
Larry gets out of the Truck.
Sarah is now face to face with her dad.
I thought you were
Lost at sea.
Honey We donít live
Around water. I left you.
Because I want Larry.
John plunges his machete thru Sarah.
We see a close up of Larry everything
Is going in slow motion
Close up of John
This happens about 5 times.
Sarah is laying on the ground she is
Hurry up and say
Your goodbyes Larry.
Larry kneels down and holds Sarah in his arms.
Larry Iím scared.
Donít worry honey
Everything will be alright.
Actually Sarah you just
Had a big fucking sword rammed
Thru your body it most likely hit
Some major organs. Your totally fucked.
Shut the fuck up John!
Larry before I die
There is something I
Must tell you..
She coughs up some blood.
Larry is crying.
Donít talk like that!
Just listen to me. Iím
Not a virgin Larry.
What? I though you
Were saving yourself for
I lied. The truth is
I think youíre a pussy. I only
Dated you because I liked your truck
I have fucked over 40 guys since
I have been with you.
Larry is in complete disbelief.
Remember that midget
When we first got here?
Him and the clown tagged
Teamed me while you
Slept last night. We
All laughed about it
When it was all said and done.
Larry looks totally defeated.
I always knew you were
A slut but goddamn.
Larry I hate
You more than anything.
You suck so bad.
Sarah dies. Larry just sit there
Sarah I donít know what to say
I loved you. I donít know
What to do without you.
Sarah opens her eyes again.
Thatís because your stupid.
Sarah your alive!
Donít get all excited
Bitch face. There is one
Last thing I have to tell
You do love me?
No your grandpa fucked me
Pile driver style on your
Birthday and then your dad
Give me a chili dog.
Sarah dies for real this time.
Larry starts crying.
John smacks Larry in the back of the head.
Quit acting like a bitch.
Come on I didnít do all this
For no reason lets go fuck.
Larry picks up the machete.
What are you doing!
What the fuck does it look like?
Iím going to split your fucking
With one swift stroke John is decapitated.
Larry get in his truck. It starts right up.
He just laughs and laughs.
Ok guys there ya have it. Thats is my twisted vision
in its early form hope some of you got a laugh or two.
04-15-2005, 08:25 PM
its definitely funny in a sick sort of way. at some points it seems a little hokey though. i would have never predicted that herbert was actually sarah's dad. i think some parts could be a bit more subtle especially in the beginning (ie. "you're all going to die"). I think just from the visuals on screen the audience will be able to infer that some bad stuff is gonna happen. the whole tone and setting will suggest it. at some points the dialogue doesn't seem natural, sort of forced. and at other times the dialogue seems very real. really the best scene in the movie is the whole dildo thing. i totally didn't expect any of that and it was really humerous. i think sitting down with a few friends and reading this through out loud will really help to clean up the dialogue and make it flow better. storywise its a sick twist on popular slasher flicks; a more creative story might lend itself to a more intriguing script. think about the characters, like why does john want to be with larry but end up killing him in the end. why does he kill his own daughter? overall i say pretty decent for just sitting down and writing but it needs some work in various areas. good job :)
04-15-2005, 10:19 PM
Hey thanks for the advice There is quite a bit of things I'm gonna change
with it I had that idea for a long time so I just decided to sit down
and write it down.I think of it as more of a treatment right now I was kinda holding alot of stuff back because I plan on shooting this one day and I didnt want to put stuff I couldn't pull off Like I wanted the killings to be more gruesome
and original not just killer stabs the shit out of victim and I wanted to run over some little kids and stuff. You were right about the store clerk scene I will replace
it with something more subtle. This is the first time writing for me so yeah some of the dialog probally does sound forced in some spots.Will you give me an example
of one of my scenes that does sound natural and one that doesn't?That would help me out alot.I will spend some time thinking about my characters I thought it wasn't needed since I was doing a slaher but this isn't a normal slasher story
filled with clowns,midgets,dildo's and weird gay killers lol I am glad you didn't
expect Herbert to be sarah's dad that is what I was going for.Anyways thanks
for the advice and not being a flamer I look forward to hearing from you again.:]