Thoughts on this opening sequence

[Larry Rutledge]

A while back I had this one scene stuck in my head and I couldn't get rid of it. It didn't go to anything, just seemed like a real visual opener. Anyway, I finally sat down one day and wrote it out. Then I just let my "muse" take over and wrote until I ran out of steam. Finally, I set it aside to use someday when I discover the rest of the story.

I just came across these pages again this morning and thought I'd post them here to see what others thought about them. Here goes:




FADE IN:

EXT. DESERT - DAY

A two-lane highway dividing a vast expanse of sand and cactus. Heat shimmers can be seen rising from the pavement as the sun sits high in the sky.

Silent. No signs of life, except for a lizard that skitters across the hot pavement and disappears in to the shadow of a cactus.

After a few moments the silence is broken by a low rumble coming from somewhere beyond the horizon. The sound is accompanied by a shadow creeping across the sand.

The source of the shadow is discovered as a

UFO

slowly hovers into view...and lands.

It is quickly apparent that this UFO has seen better days. The black scorch marks and crumpled steel sections make it clear this is not the best saucer in the fleet.

EXT. UFO - DAY

From somewhere inside the craft can be heard mumbling. This is followed by the sound of hammering and then a ramp begins to lower from the bottom of the craft.

The ramp drops to the sand with a thud and a

BODY

is rolled down the ramp. The body appears to be a human male.

ALIEN (O.C.)
(alien voice, english subtitles)
You better not screw up again...I can't survive another hit.

A loud clunking and screeching sound is heard and then an alien arm reaches down and pulls the ramp up. The ramp immediately falls down, is pulled up again and hammering is heard from inside the craft.

As the UFO lifts into the sky, PETER jumps to his feet.

PETER
Come back here, you can't leave me like this!

The UFO passes back over head and drops a case which hits Peter on the head, knocking him out cold. The craft then flies away.

INT. UFO - DAY

The "bridge" of the craft is in complete disarray. There are papers strewn everywhere, coffee cups are turned over with coffee stains present on the various instrument consoles.

Various instrument panels are open exposing the electronics below. Many rolls of duct tape can be seen laying around as well.

In the middle of the "bridge" is a

CAPTAIN'S CHAIR

where the PILOT is seated. The Pilot's face is obscured by a dog-eared book titled, "Flying Saucer, Model IFV 1701, Owner's Manual". In the pilot's other hand is a hammer and a philip's screwdriver.

PILOT
(extremely frustrated)
Insert the flux transformer into slot 17b, as pictured in Figure 3.2.2 on page 56? There's only 48 pages in this book.

Throws book across "bridge" as a

YELLOW LIGHT

begins flashing and a klaxon begins to sound.

COMPUTER VOICE
(filtered)
Warning! Proximity Danger! Activating Yellow Alert!

PILOT (O.S.)
Computer. Activate forward viewer.

An image begins to appear on a

VIEW SCREEN

located on one of the "bridge" walls. As the image comes clear the screen is filled with what appears to be an
extremely large satellite.

There is a loud crash immediately followed by the sound of fire extinguishers.

INT. WHITE HOUSE OVAL OFFICE - DAY

SUPER: 2 weeks later

PRESIDENT
...would love for you to join us for dinner next time you are in town. Please read that last bit back to me.

SECRETARY
The first lady and I would love for you to join...

There is a knock at the door, then the door opens and the secretary of defense pokes his head in.

SECRETARY OF DEFENSE
Mr. President, sorry to interrupt, but we have a situation.

PRESIDENT
(to secretary)
Will you please excuse us?

Secretary leaves and the president motions for the defense secretary to have a seat.

PRESIDENT (CONT'D)
So, what seems to be the trouble?

SECRETARY OF DEFENSE
Well sir, as you know, two weeks ago NORAD spotted an unidentified object leaving the earth's atmosphere and colliding with the International Space Station.

PRESIDENT
Yes, I already know that. NASA indicated the damage was superficial and there
would be no need for a rescue or a repair trip.

SECRETARY OF DEFENSE
That's correct, sir. However, many nations are now claiming the unidentified object was a missile which we fired at the station.

PRESIDENT
Why would we do that? We were the largest contributor to that project, we certainly don't want to destroy it.

SECRETARY OF DEFENSE
Russia and China are apparently conducting several scientific experiments aboard the station. And Russia claims that their cosmonauts saw an American Flag on the outside of whatever crashed into the station.

EXT. DESERT - LATER

Peter walks along the highway, the case under his arm. He looks surprisingly refreshed for having spent that past two weeks walking through the desert.

As Peter nears a

CACTUS

a rattlesnake strikes from the shadows. Without missing a step, Peter grabs the snake before it bites. He then crushes the snakes head in his hand and tosses the snake.

[TC]

For some reason I was thinking that it was a drama, and I was trying to susspend my disbelief. But then I got to the UFO manual, and it couldn't be anything but a comedy.

I like it, got me hooked, I really curious to know what happens next, too bad you dont know, or else I would as you to spoil it.

Hopefully your muse will pay you another couple visits.:thumbsup:

[Larry Rutledge]

Thanks TC, I appreciate the comments. I wish I knew where it was going too...it's frustrating to not know.

The only thoughts I have had regarding it is that Peter and this UFO are using time travel to repeat an event until they get things right (kind of like the TV show 7 Days). But that is the extent of any ideas I have had so far.

[Isaac_Brody]

You've got an eye catching fragment right there. You're right that you haven't discovered the rest of the story yet, but it's still an interesting scene. Could be worth hashing out a subject/storyline for it.

[Barry_Green]

Love it. I thought it was flat-out funny and intriguing. The ramp dropping back down, then needing to be picked up and hammered in place -- excellent... The mad alien sounds kind of like Darren McGavin in a "Christmas Story" when he's working on the heater.

I definitely want to know more about these characters, especially the alien, what he's up to, what he's doing here, how he got in such a beat-up ship, etc...

Get the book "How To Write A Movie In 21 Days" by Viki King, and see if her techniques for exploring your story help you to flesh it out. Her book tells you how to write the film even if you don't know what it's about.

Best of luck, and I'm looking forward to more!

[Final Design Studios]

Damn, how did you do it, I never read these. I skimmed up to the top and read the first line, then the second and so on.

Stupid people making do things, I'm an individual! I demand to be able to control myself!

That was funny, and I really would like to see more.

[Larry Rutledge]

Isaac - Thanks for the comment, I appreciate it. Hopefully I can come up with a good storyline from this and flesh it out into something complete.


Barry - Hey, thanks for taking the time to read this and comment. It's good to know that what I write has intrigued, or at the very least piqued curiosity. This was only the second thing I wrote when I started learning screenwriting and it wasn't for any story in particular - just a scene that kept rolling around in my head demanding to be written.

The funny thing is, when I sat down and started writing I intended to write something serious. But comedy is what seems to have come out, so I went with it. Thanks for the tip on Viki's book, I've looked at it in the store before and wondered if it was any good. I guess I'll go pick it up and see if she can unlock the muse hiding somewhere in my brain.

toilet_bob - Glad you liked it... I want to read more too, unfortunately I haven't written any more yet :huh:

I'll be sure and let everyone know when the muse re-awakens and more begins to flow.

Thanks,
Larry

[Jacques_Meov]

Heat rising, two lane highway...lizard running under cactus...what's that been on, probably 300 movies, most of them Showtime fillers or direct-to-video klunkers!

Now, the rest...very intriguing. Me likes...can me take and play with it?

[J.R. Hudson]

I really like this; very visual. I'm interested in seeing where this goes.

[Larry Rutledge]

Thanks guys...I appreciate the comments.

Jacques, I'd like to hang on to this one. It is the first script I ever started writing (I know I mentioned in my previous post it was the second, but I checked the dates on the files and discovered it was the first), so I'd like to see if I can finish it and hopefully one day produce it. If you have any general ideas where I might take this, I wouldn't mind hearing them...maybe it will re-awaken my muse.

[EVIL_HOMER]

It really has captured my attention and I was disapointed that it didn't continue on further, as I too would love to know where this is going.

(I loved the gag with the manuel)

I want to know; what does the alien have Peter doing (or what is Peter supose to do)

For me this is crucial, as in: If the task or what ever lies ahead for Peter doesn't capture my attention or intrigue, I may loose interest.

You're definitly on the right track (so far), keep us updated


Suggestions:

How about instead of using time travel to repeat an event until they get things right, maybe they have attempted and failed (what ever the task is) and he is brought back to try again (from scratch)

It would be interesting to follow his movement and actions, slowly discovering what it is he has to do (and what the big pictue is)

Curiosity of finding out what he failed to do/has to re-do again could should keep us intrigued. What did he do wrong the first time and what does he do different the second time round to avoid failure

OR

(Just off the top of my head; might not work but may get you thinking)

Maybe he had to retreave an alien artifact lost on earth centuries ago

Alien is a smuggler with a big client ready to pay big money for the artifact . Alien has Peter working for him/doing the dirty work

(historians unknowingly beleive it to be an Egiptian artifact)
Peter finds/returns the artifact to the alien. They present the artifact to the client only to discover it is only one of two peices of the whole artifact. The blame is placed on Peter who has to go back and find the second peice.

[Josh_Boelter]

I dig it too. I have to admit that like Jacques, I've seen that opening desert scene so many times that my initial thought was that the whole thing was going to be a series of cliches. Once I got past that, I was pleasantly surprised and really liked it. Even though I started to groan at the initial setup, I wouldn't change it. The familiar opening makes the rest of it even better, in my opinion. Like TC said, you think it's going to be a drama, then you're taken by surprise with the comedy of the situation.

josh

[Larry Rutledge]

Evil - I'm glad you liked it. Thanks for the suggestions, I've logged them in my notes for this script. Hopefully they will get my muse going in the right direction and bring some completion to this story. Just like everyone else, I am very anxious to find out where this story goes :)

Josh - Thanks for the comments...glad you enjoyed it. I will be sure to keep everyone updated when this story starts progressing again.

[Tlalconetl]

I see this as a PIXAR animation movie.

[seantree]

Very good so far. I usually do not read these, but since I skimmed it and caught the word UFO in it i gave it a shot. As others have stated, keep goin!!! I want to see more.

[kilgore trout]

i thought it suck.soryy

[iSTy]

Thank you for sharing :) I'm intrigued as to what happens when the secretary comes back in and carries on with the 'letter' writing ;)

[Brandon Rice]

I like it Larry... it has almost a 24/X-Files feel to it... Good stuff.

[Blaine]

Larry, I think you've got gold here. Sort of "low rent" or "trailer trash" alien abduction. This has to be shot along the Antelope Highway and in the Mojave desert...

...I LOVE THIS STUFF. :thumbsup:

[brianluce]

cute, but lean it down. all you need is the following for the beginning. and even my slice and dice probably has way too much fat.

make it read vertically.

[QUOTE=La:


FADE IN:


EXT. DESERT - DAY

A two-lane highway dividing a vast expanse of sand and cactus.

A low RUMBLE.

a shadow creeps across the sand.

It's a flying saucer.

[/QUOTE]

note i capitalized "rumble". it's a good practice with audio cues.


only other thing that jumped out was that the alien computer spoke english and the alien didn't. was that intentional?

[Larry Rutledge]

Hey thanks guys for these new comments...I actually had forgotten I posted this here. This was actually one of the first attempts I ever made at script writing, and in some ways its almost embarrasing to read through now :)

It was one of those things where I had this image in my head and I couldn't get rid of it. Once I finally sat down and wrote out what you read, the image stopped pestering me. I'd like to someday write the rest of the story, but at the moment I just don't know where it's going.

brianluce - yea, it really should be slimmed down considerably. When I wrote that originally I was still learning just how much "description" was really necessary. It's the kind of writing you can get away with once you are an established writer, but probably wouldn't do well if trying to sell a script.

The bit about the alien language and the computer speaking English was never fully settled. The direction I was trying to head was that it wasn't REALLY an alien, but someone from Earth. I had ideas of something along the lines of the show 7 Days, where a guy goes back 7 days in the past to stop bad situations from happening....that's also why I have the Sec. of Def. mention that the cosmonauts saw American Flags on whatever struck the space station - implying it was the UFO (because of the collision it had earlier).

Anyway, I still don't have a story for this...but I'd love to finish it one day. Thanks for resurrecting this iSTy it wsa fun to see it again and to get some fresh feedback on it.

Peace,
Larry

[brianluce]

one thing peculiar to my style of conceptualizing is to visualize the ending first and then work backwards. it's really the only way i can complete a story. for a wild idea, maybe you'll find your story if the sequence you posted is an ending, not a beginning. esp in that it's a time travel story.

[Blaine]

There's really a fine line when telling a story concerning how much description to put in. I feel, especially when writing things I'm going to produce myself, I want a good read. It may be a little more than the bare bones that the current wisdom asks for but I find that if you have an interesting read, it helps your director and actors visualize the story you're trying to tell. I'm not saying to go crazy but a well told story will be a page turner. It is important to have an internal clock so you can basically write to the page/minute standard in order to make it easier for production.

From my point of view, you have to write an interesting story to get others interested in it. That sometimes requires a little more than bare bones.

[brianluce]

I'm not saying to go crazy but a well told story will be a page turner.
.

well, from my pov, if you can write a pageturner, screw all the rules, the format, everything. for me, the word "pageturner" is the magic key, it opens doors to hollywood, to wherever. it's the rarest of traits, the hardest thing to pull off. if you can do it, i'm jealous.