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DarkElastic
03-15-2010, 06:24 PM
Thought I would Start a thread.


Hi Vicky, just read your script.

*Spoilers*

I enjoyed the slow build. Once the attack started I really liked the description and horror of the attack.

I think you could have replaced some of the dialogue with flashbacks, that would allow the action to show the background rather than the characters telling us. An example would be Karen explaining that Bill was escorted from the house by the police.

I'm not quite sure whether I like the open end or not, meaning, I'm not sure if I would have liked to know who the killer was. She said it wasn't Bill, but then he lays the rose and takes the ring...

Overall, a good read, with a great violent ending. Well done.

Chris_Keaton
03-16-2010, 04:33 PM
Hey, nice to see you again Vicky. What brings you a slumming. Hey, wait, that's not right.

Your short was written well, but it was all to linear. I didn't really feel the tension, because I knew what was coming next each step of the way. Ok, you didn't make the killer Bill, but it almost didn't really matter who it was.

Overall good job.

nitramlehcar
03-17-2010, 07:17 AM
What's a Hitchcock film without some good stabbing? Loved the brutality and the hopeless ending. It may not have been very twisty, but it was fun to read and still left me with questions, which I think a Hitchcock script ought to do. Good job.

Anthony Todaro
03-17-2010, 04:55 PM
Dialogue sounded weird in the very beginning but loosened up. Cool story. I guess the MacGuffin was Bill.
No major gripes. It was a quick read and the "light-off" scare was a nice touch it made me jump when I envisioned it. I love a good kill.

mary.susanna
03-17-2010, 06:11 PM
I agree with Anthony. I also love a good kill. Hitchcock wasn't always one for a happy ending anyway.

jamiejay
03-18-2010, 04:59 PM
hey there... i liked the suspense... it was very scream or i know what you did last summer... i wasn't actually convinced it wasn't bill... but maybe i over-thought it. also, wasn't the macguffin the ring? it was because of the ring that i thought maybe it was bill afterall... that and the title... i enjoyed it. thanks for an entertaining kill :)

KhamIsk
03-18-2010, 09:03 PM
Nicely build suspense, very thrilling. I see what you're going for and see the irony "it's not Bill", ha.

But still the resolution somehow doesn't feel satisfying. She was so happy and ready to move on... I was expecting her to give up the ring at the end. But again - concerning the ring - I see the irony.

Still I enjoyed the story.

Rodney V. Smith
03-18-2010, 10:24 PM
Marshall, reading yours and commenting in the morning.

DarkElastic
03-19-2010, 10:23 AM
Thanks Rodders, but make sure you review the right one for me!!??!!

jamiejay
03-19-2010, 05:25 PM
yeah... where's vicky? i think she is the macguffin of this scriptfest ;) :)

vickyn
03-24-2010, 06:17 PM
Hi everyone. I'm so sorry I'm late. I haven't been on the computer as much since I took a nasty fall and injured my arm. Doing physical therapy and all that, trrying to get better. I didn't know I had a thread until someone told me.

Thanks for all of the input. Nicely done. For those who may be a bit confused by the story, Bill is the killer. I hoped that would be clear because he wanted the ring that she noted was dear to him, and he left the rose behind, which would typically indicate someone cared greatly for her.

Oh, and the McGuffin is the ring.

Again, nice job with your opinions, everyone, and thanks again!

http://fc09.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2010/083/6/9/A_Dying_Love_Banner_by_KnightOfSydonia.jpg

jamiejay
03-24-2010, 06:31 PM
Hi everyone. I'm so sorry I'm late. I haven't been on the computer as much since I took a nasty fall and injured my arm. Doing physical therapy and all that, trrying to get better. I didn't know I had a thread until someone told me.

Thanks for all of the input. Nicely done. For those who may be a bit confused by the story, Bill is the killer. I hoped that would be clear because he wanted the ring that she noted was dear to him, and he left the rose behind, which would typically indicate someone cared greatly for her.

Oh, and the McGuffin is the ring.

Again, nice job with your opinions, everyone, and thanks again!


i knew bill was the killer! :)

sorry to hear about your arm... yikes...

Bridget D.
03-26-2010, 07:50 PM
Definitely a "thriller" script for me. I thought you did a great job creating the tension and suspense. I kept hoping Holli would get away. I was a bit confused who the killer really was in the end. Also, I wished she was making mashed potatoes and gravy to go with that meatloaf instead of soup! (Just kidding) Great job!

theAlchemist
03-31-2010, 11:09 AM
Was a fast entertaining read.


The suggestion of coming doom works good.
I liked the suspense on pages 4-6. Good build up. Could work well on the screen if filmed proper.
Yikes, that's a violent kill :kali:
For me as reader your writing aimed at a killer other than Bill from the start. So I liked the "oh btw it is Bill" ending :)

Only thing that I found questionable is Bill actually doing this. We don't get a lot of info, but from what you wrote about Bill he didn't seem a guy that would do this masked. And he's still suspect #1 for the police.

Thanks for the entertaining read, you did a good job.