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Bridget D.
03-13-2010, 10:47 PM
Every one knows that salt can kill you.
http://www.dvxuser.com/V6/picture.php?albumid=432&pictureid=2984

jamiejay
03-14-2010, 08:23 AM
great poster... very intriguing! can't wait to read it. :)

Bridget D.
03-14-2010, 10:58 AM
Thanks - I didn't realize that KhamIsk's poster also features a hand. Oh well. If you happen to need any salt, I now have a cookie sheet full.

alex whitmer
03-14-2010, 01:01 PM
Very cool poster indeed. Glad they made it a requirement. They make great visual synopses.






.

Bridget D.
03-14-2010, 06:50 PM
Thanks, Alex. Creating the poster wasn't too bad - trying to figure out how to get it on the thread was another story.

Anthony Todaro
03-15-2010, 09:11 AM
Cooooooooool!

DarkElastic
03-15-2010, 07:36 PM
Hi Bridget, just read your script.

*Spoilers*

The opening half was really good, the deadly opening, the characters of Eden and Mr Pascal. The mystery of the photo and the opening death. What salt has to do with everything. I loved the opening descriptions and action.
The second half seemed to go downhill. You have three characters that come out of the blue, the son, the mother and the police husband. The story becomes jumbled and the explainations of it seem to jar, for example the salt explained by the son.
Why would the Wife take the Dad's body in the car? Why would she invite the girl who would then know her face? Was the Waitress an old lover of Mr Pascal's?

You leave us with too many questions for comfort.


Good attempt. Take some time to rewrite this to match the opening half and it will be a very good script. Well done.

Tim Joy
03-16-2010, 02:30 PM
There was a little confusion in the middle for me, but overall I liked the writing.
Nicely done.

Bridget D.
03-16-2010, 08:07 PM
Thanks for the comments. I was afraid I hadn't made some things clear enough. I think with a few small fixes, I could work out the problems.

Spoilers

Here are the relationships in the story. The man is Ms. Carter's son. Ms. Carter is Mr. Pascal and the waitress, Louise P.'s daughter. I tried to tie the son in to the first scene by mentioning the gloves. He's talking to his mother in one of the first scenes. I should have made that more evident, so you would know that the photo was sent by Ms. Carter. Also, I thought the ages would also help clear some of the roles. They wanted to kill Eden because they thought she had seen the photo. Did I cover everything? I usually think up whole stories in my head of where characters come from and why they are the way they are but trying to decide what to put in the script and what to leave out, it ends up confusing. Yikes! :2vrolijk_08:

nitramlehcar
03-17-2010, 12:23 PM
Bridget, the first half of this had me more intrigued than any of the others, especially the symbolism of the salt. I wish you had some more pages to develop the story more, but not much you can do about that. And I love the name Eden. I think I'm going to adopt it. ;p

jamiejay
03-17-2010, 03:54 PM
first... i have to say, my favorite macguffin of the fest... ceramic chihuahua salt shaker... love it... :)

you really did a good job of building suspense. even though i could tell something wasn't right when eden checked on mr. pascal and he was snoring... but it was still really creepy when the gloved man sat up in the bed... very nice...

i agree with nitram, a few more pages would have allowed you to clarify who was who... but now that you explain, it makes perfect sense... ;)

the bible quote is awesome and the "mother, what have i done!" line was very psycho-ish... as always, an entertaining and thought-provoking script. glad you entered!

mary.susanna
03-17-2010, 05:54 PM
I like this one. Very well done. Like others have said, I wasn't sure who all the characters were at times, but it didn't take away too much from the story, in my opinion. I still liked it. And I loved the poster. You took that picture? Good job. :)

Anthony Todaro
03-17-2010, 06:03 PM
A good read. I liked your cute MacGuffin. Cool title, that's my favorite Stones song.
I recommend not using parenthetical unless for V.O. or O.S. everything else, just use your action. Some of your action blocks were big. No biggie, just break them up. I never go over three lines per block. It just reads quicker.

Good story! I like all the intricate pieces. You thought everything out very well. I love that in a story. I like to think and be rewarded well. The end could have been more mysterious and I would have been satisfied. Your format was nigh perfect. Remember that FADE OUT. Yours is my fave.

Chris_Keaton
03-17-2010, 07:12 PM
Alright you know the routine, here's my horribly awful review. If you have a weak continence and are prone to suicidal thoughts please do not read on!!!! You've been warned!

I've saved the best for last. Don't let your position at the bottom of the list disagree with my last statement.

Pg 1
- I won't even mention 'Fade In'. Damn, I just did didn't I?
- This is a screenplay and you must write in the now as it happens. With that in mind nothing 'begins', 'starts', etc. it just does. So 'Salt begins to pour' becomes 'Salt pours' its more active and takes up less space, a win win.
- Wow a 7 line action block! Remember to break your action blocks up into individual scenes.
- Lose the (CONTINUED)s that's old school.
Pg 3
- That's some heavy reading. I'm sure some weight could be lost and some blocks broken up. The dialog runs on the heavy side. A good way to break this up is to put some action in the middle.
Pg 7
- Is he dressed like a cop or is he a cop?
Pg 9
- 'I'm about to die' = awesome. The line not the death, well that might be awesome to.
Pg 10
- Where's the Fade Out. :(

I see you were pressed for time so you might've squished some things to get it under the limit. But as a screenwriter you have to be honest with your director, they are relying on these things to come out to 1 minute a page, that's why the format is the way it is.

Overall it was a good serial killer stalking story. The twist was even rewarding. Good Job!

alex whitmer
03-18-2010, 09:58 PM
There are some very cool elements in this story. I just hope I got this right ...


Man is the grandson of Mr. Pascal and the dead waitress. Ms. Carter is his mother.

This would mean it is Ms. Carter who collects salt shakers.

Okay, so the biblical metaphor is that if your words and deeds are not true and pure, they are worthless for leading (flavoring) man to glory, and will only be cast aside as useless - or something like that. So, Ms. Carter collected salt shakers to preserve good words and deeds (?)

Ms. Carter killed her mother and then went after her father - but the motives are not entirely clear. A photo was taken of Luise and sent as a warning - the photo was taken in the snow, but Luise was killed in a salt mine - died in a heap of lies (?). The body was moved?

Okay, so a shaker of salt was sent to dad, along with the photo. Dad seemed to know something was wrong even before he saw the photo, so there must have been some history established about this salt / truth and deeds thing that he got right away, and the photo confirmed it.

Now the son has to go clean up mom's loose ends. In doing so he kills the policeman, and hence - 'What have you done', 'What have I done'.


If I got it right ...

Ms. Carter wants to preserve good deeds and words by collecting salt shakers. Mom and Dad must have done something to her to rile her ire, so she rids the earth of the tasteless salt.

Love the shaker in the the death scenes. Very cool stuff.

Son gives Eden a parting warning / apology as he leaves. The 'touches her curls' part was interesting - like something Jesus might do to a Disciple or follower?

All very interesting, very creepy, and really complex - in a good way.



As a working document ...

Certainly a filmable piece. I'm sure there are areas where old salt mines can still be found. I'd probably cut the library scene and move Eden (biblical name) to a simpler, more cost-effective location, unless you can convince me the library serves an important story function.

On film it would be easier to see who is who instead of deciphering it on paper, and the audience will follow easier. It took me 5 reads to sort it out, and a quick ref to see if I remembered Mathew 5:13 correctly.

Metaphorical pieces will go over the heads of many/most, so the creep factor will need to play out strong and clear, with a motive established.

Love the script. needs a polish, and a page maybe to develop what would need to happen on screen, but really a great read and story.

Very cool MacGuffin.

a

KhamIsk
03-19-2010, 10:34 AM
Hi Bridget,

I think it's awesome that you decided to write for the niche that knows the Bible.

I am not familiar with the verses so the references went over my head. Which is fine. There's no way I'll understand since I don't know what kind of bigger meaning is in "Mother, what have I done".

I think it's brave to do something like that, and might be rewarding in the long run. You script has a theme in a sense - which is great. And it's not for everybody, which is even greater.

I think those who understand the references see the motivation there. I don't. But I read the thread, it's evident that the ones familiar with the Bible got a hang of it.

The only thing - it was obvious to me that the the killer is Ms. Carter is Pascal's daughter and that the killer is Ms. Carter's son. But not the waitress. I haven't read it twice, maybe I would get that too on the second read. Suggestion - maybe you could have something out of the verse on the title page - that would give me the appropriate creeps.

I guess I can't rate it.

By the way there's a contest out there, maybe you have something for them. They are looking for a feature. Something like this, but longer version would fit, I think.
Go here:
blog.christian-movie.com/raw_talent_screenplay_contest_faq

Bridget D.
03-23-2010, 07:24 PM
Thanks again for all your comments.

Nitramlehcar - I really liked the name Eden too - found it in a baby name book - I can be obsessive when it comes to naming characters. That said, isn't it funny I left one character without a name? Who knows why I did that...

Jamiejay - As for my macguffin - I tried to think of a macguffin no one would use. Then I had to come up with a story to go with it (hence the whole salt theme - I recommend doing some research on salt - it's actually pretty fascinating - I learned a lot.) As for the mother/son "psycho-ish" relationship - it's my nod to Hitchcock - though I never saw the movie.

Mary.susanna - re: picture - yes, I took the picture - thanks - just ran out of time to do anything else.

Anthony - Didn't realize my title was a Stones song - will have to check it out. (I live under a rock still.) Thanks for all the formatting advice - I need it!

Chris - Also thanks for all the advice. I laughed at "Is he dressed like a cop or is he a cop?" Let's pretend he's on his way to a halloween party - no, he's a cop. Totally makes sense - thanks.

Alex - So sorry you had to read the script 5 times - I enjoyed seeing all the metaphors. My intention was that Ms. Carter holds some grudge/hatred towards her parents and is now finally acting on it. She is a religious lunatic, and in her eyes, she is getting rid of her useless parents. Also, my intention was that her son hadn't known his grandparents (yeah, I think I left that out of the script...oops.) Thanks for your suggestions.

KhamIsk - I didn't actually mean to write for the Bible niche. Had I written my script better, everyone would be able to understand what I was trying to get across. Thanks for your comments.

KhamIsk
03-23-2010, 08:05 PM
Bridget, I think I overanalyzed it:):)
A lunatic on the killing spree - now that makes great sense!