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jamiejay
03-13-2010, 11:01 PM
http://www.dvxuser6.com/uploaded/38528/1268546262.jpg

Sometimes, when you leave, you can never go back...

jamiejay
03-13-2010, 11:02 PM
just barely made it... phew... not sure about this one... but i am glad to be back. :)

alex whitmer
03-14-2010, 12:29 AM
Great! Top of my read list!

a

Tom Shortridge
03-14-2010, 09:41 AM
Really like the poster on this one, very reminiscent of that old optical illusion with the vase and faces.

Looking forward to the read.

DarkElastic
03-14-2010, 10:29 AM
Good luck, Jamie. Looking forward to the read.

jamiejay
03-14-2010, 10:36 AM
definitely regretting rushing this time... there are is some possible confusion at one point... i'll admit it...not my best work here... :violin:

still... feedback is a good thing and i'm just happy to be here.:beer:

thanks for the compliments on the poster.

alex, can't wait to hear what you think... but i am sorry that you weren't able to enter.

Bridget D.
03-14-2010, 11:53 AM
Can't wait to read your script - I think my script has some possibly confusing points too.

Anthony Todaro
03-15-2010, 10:14 AM
Intriguing!!!

MML
03-16-2010, 03:54 PM
Hi Jamie. You weren't alone. I rushed my entry too. :)

Pg. 1 - Intro DRIVER in all caps if he has dialog.

You don't need to CAP character names after they are inrto'd.

Pg. 8 "This is a really lousy plan so far, John." - this line cracked me up. I don't know if it was meant to be funny but just the way you delivered it made me laugh. :)

The story had me intrigued. I was very curious to know what the heck was going on. You built up some good suspense there. I think if you had more time to polish you would have better explained the twist. I would have like to have known more about Jane and Sarah. Like why did they want Jane gone.

Your dialog is a bit stiff. If you read it out loud, you'll begin to catch the words and phrases that seem a bit unnatural.

And screenwriting is very visual. So you need to work on character descriptions. Ages, physical characteristics maybe some quirks that set one character apart from another.

Cool vibe you created with this story. I look forward to reading more of your work. :)

jamiejay
03-16-2010, 04:23 PM
thanks for the feedback... this is my fourth script... but time was definitely a big obstacle here... i think i should have made it more clear that it was during the 1940's... that is why the dialogue is how it is... thanks again. :)

p.s.- if you are really interested in reading my other scripts, you can click on them below ;)

DarkElastic
03-16-2010, 08:10 PM
Hi Jamie, just read your script.

It started off a little normal, but then we're thrown into this confusion that kept me intruiged and eager to read on.

You need to put what time of the day it is to better set the scene. Especially in the Taxi, as things look differently in night than day.

The dialogue needs work, a few more read throughs ;-), to make it less on the nose. Also, I could not guess what era this was from, as one moment it is olden times and next she says 'This is a really lousy plan so far, John.' which sounds more modern.

Hmmmmm, i'm not sure I understand the ending. It leaves it very open to interpretation... I'm guessing they killed the father, but why? Who is the girl who looks like Jane? Why was the neighbour confused about seeing Jane when she obviously thinks Vera is Jane? Is Vera Sarah?

Too many questions and hopefully these will be sorted out with a few more drafts. I know you rushed it in, but I have to give truthful feedback and hopefully helpful feedback.

Overall, not a bad script. But obviously needs more work. Well done for getting it in.

jamiejay
03-16-2010, 08:59 PM
*spoilers*
ok... here goes. the rush really did keep me from writing the script exactly as i wanted it... though, i must say i am a little disappointed that two people now didn't get what i thought was a fairly easy to understand ending... (my teenage sons got it first try without any help ;)... though it was intentionally left open to interpretation because, well.... this is hitchcock... the master of ambiguous endings... but i was hoping it was more clear that the couple killed her family and vera was jane's imposter to get her father's money (it was back before dna and all... you could get away with such silliness)...

how vera looks like jane is not too important... she was a good enough resemblance to jane, who had left years ago, to pull off the scam... though i did want to include something about how the couple had seen her photo in the paper and came up with the idea or something to make that more clear... just not enough time... grr... also, that is why the pictures are removed... because she is not an exact match, of course. and the elderly neighbor was fooled until she saw the real jane...

i think of lousy as more of an older term, i guess... you know the grease song "sandra d"... "lousy with virginity". people seldom use lousy anymore... i don't know if i agree on that one... sorry.

i was really going for hitchcock here... trying to include common hitchcock themes... such as fraud, imposters, mistaken identity, the perfect crime, ambiguous plot, blonde heroines, staircases, railroads... now i feel like i didn't do him justice and that saddens me because we share a birthday :cry::birthdays:

i definitely agree on the times and that i could use a little more clarity on how the couple came up with the idea... and, of course, all feedback is muchly much appreciated... so thanks, man :beer:

nitramlehcar
03-17-2010, 11:10 AM
jamiejay! This was fantastic! You nailed the Cock on head! Umm..inappropriate...

Anyway, I wasn't confused at all and I loved that the end was open to interpretation. Great job!

jamiejay
03-17-2010, 03:21 PM
thanks, girly... i'm glad that someone liked it... ;)

too bad you didn't have time to write one this time. :(

nitramlehcar
03-17-2010, 03:42 PM
Oh, I'm sure that more people will like it too. Your script is at the bottom of the viewing list (literally not figuratively ;), and I actually thought it was a lot less confusing and more Hitchcocky than some others. Overall, I was impressed with this fest. Wish I could've entered. :)

KhamIsk
03-17-2010, 04:18 PM
This reminds me of Agatha's Cristie's stories - they speak royal English and all, plus it's structured just like one of those detective stories - except the evil has not been punished just yet.

The build up is very good leading to a creepy ending.
Nice flow. Very well structured and an easy read.

Congrats on a great story.

Anthony Todaro
03-17-2010, 05:44 PM
Day or night always. Page continues are out of vogue these days.
Jane in all caps once only, then upper lower. Was Sarah the MacGuffin?
Overall I liked the story but feel like we deserved a better end. Tell us visually not audibly.
I wanted to see some kind of pendant or keepsake Jane carried with her tie it all together... or something.
I did like it though. I like how he is being playful at the end, it's creepy and creepy is good! Nice work.

mary.susanna
03-17-2010, 07:28 PM
Ok, so I really liked this one too. I was a little confused in the beginning with Jane and Vera, but I realized toward the end that you wanted us to be...so, very well done. I also really liked how the dialog was kinda innuendo-esque...if that makes sense. Ok, it doesn't, but oh well. I liked it. Kudos.

Chris_Keaton
03-17-2010, 07:53 PM
Alright you know the routine, here's my horribly awful review. If you have a weak continence and are prone to suicidal thoughts please do not read on!!!! You've been warned!

Pg 1
- Like the title
- Where's my fade in, uggelguggel fee fi fo fum.
- Scene headings should look like thus 'INT. TAXI - DAY'
- Is 'blond' important? if not drop it.
- Try not to leave orphans. This is a good life lesson as well as good screenplay formating. Those one word action line look uncool. You're a writer rewrite it to lose those. If you can't it ain't the end of the world.
- Scene headings should be relatively generic 'EXT. MORTIMER RANCH - GATE - DAY or just EXT. MORTIMER RANCH - DAY'
- Lose the CONTINUEDS, they are out of date like bell bottoms. I apologize for my attempt at humor.
Pg 2
- Write in active style. So 'Jane is walking' becomes 'Jane walks'.
- I might break the 'manor' action block up. The first sign that you are either being long winded or have incorrectly squished an action block together is when yourt action block goes over 3-4 lines.
Pg 3
- With out that DAY - NIGHT hint in the scene heading it's hard to visualize the lighting.
Pg 7
- I'm guessing she's a ghost, but the dialog of the other folks seems out of place if that's the case. Mainly because they talk occasionally as if she's person right there and not an entity.
Pg 9
- Ok, my guess was wrong. :)
- For a split second I thought she had multiple-personalities.

Hah, what a twist! What time period was this supposed to be set in. I originally thought it was a ghost, because Jane's dialog was turn of the century, but the crooks sounded modern. Like the twist, but not sure why they just didn't brain her as soon as she walked in. Good Job!

Chris_Keaton
03-17-2010, 07:54 PM
Very Hitchcockie!

jamiejay
03-17-2010, 08:23 PM
This reminds me of Agatha's Cristie's stories - they speak royal English and all, plus it's structured just like one of those detective stories - except the evil has not been punished just yet.

The build up is very good leading to a creepy ending.
Nice flow. Very well structured and an easy read.

Congrats on a great story.

i can totally see where you get agatha christie... thanks :)


Day or night always. Page continues are out of vogue these days.
Jane in all caps once only, then upper lower. Was Sarah the MacGuffin?
Overall I liked the story but feel like we deserved a better end. Tell us visually not audibly.
I wanted to see some kind of pendant or keepsake Jane carried with her tie it all together... or something.
I did like it though. I like how he is being playful at the end, it's creepy and creepy is good! Nice work.

creepy is definitely good. ;)

i know i dropped the ball on the formatting in parts. and, as to the ending, i agree, i needed more visuals here. i am normally a more visual writer (i would love to hear what you have to say about my other scripts), but i rushed and had to focus mostly on the plot... i almost regret entering at all since i didn't have time to do it right... but it's really a learning experience for me.

what i wanted was for it to look like jane was a strange intruder into this couple's house and they didn't know who she was, but they didn't exactly know how to get rid of her... and then, in the end, you realize that she isn't the intruder, but they are... and vera is jane's imposter... it wasn't an easy task to make the dialogue work so that it could have two meanings... for example, when vera seems frightened and wants to get rid of jane, i wanted it to look like she was frightened of this weird woman who just barges in and acts like she owns the place, when really she is frightened that they might get caught... no one on here has commented on that aspect of it, so i'm not sure i successfully pulled it off... was that clear to you? it's hard to know what comes across sometimes.

yeah... sarah was the macguffin.

thanks for the review. :beer:


Ok, so I really liked this one too. I was a little confused in the beginning with Jane and Vera, but I realized toward the end that you wanted us to be...so, very well done. I also really liked how the dialog was kinda innuendo-esque...if that makes sense. Ok, it doesn't, but oh well. I liked it. Kudos.

i'm glad you liked it... thanks, mary :)

jamiejay
03-17-2010, 08:42 PM
Alright you know the routine, here's my horribly awful review. If you have a weak continence and are prone to suicidal thoughts please do not read on!!!! You've been warned!

Pg 1
- Like the title
- Where's my fade in, uggelguggel fee fi fo fum.
- Scene headings should look like thus 'INT. TAXI - DAY'
- Is 'blond' important? if not drop it.
- Try not to leave orphans. This is a good life lesson as well as good screenplay formating. Those one word action line look uncool. You're a writer rewrite it to lose those. If you can't it ain't the end of the world.
- Scene headings should be relatively generic 'EXT. MORTIMER RANCH - GATE - DAY or just EXT. MORTIMER RANCH - DAY'
- Lose the CONTINUEDS, they are out of date like bell bottoms. I apologize for my attempt at humor.
Pg 2
- Write in active style. So 'Jane is walking' becomes 'Jane walks'.
- I might break the 'manor' action block up. The first sign that you are either being long winded or have incorrectly squished an action block together is when yourt action block goes over 3-4 lines.
Pg 3
- With out that DAY - NIGHT hint in the scene heading it's hard to visualize the lighting.
Pg 7
- I'm guessing she's a ghost, but the dialog of the other folks seems out of place if that's the case. Mainly because they talk occasionally as if she's person right there and not an entity.
Pg 9
- Ok, my guess was wrong. :)
- For a split second I thought she had multiple-personalities.

Hah, what a twist! What time period was this supposed to be set in. I originally thought it was a ghost, because Jane's dialog was turn of the century, but the crooks sounded modern. Like the twist, but not sure why they just didn't brain her as soon as she walked in. Good Job!

why didn't they just brain her? that's a fair question actually... haha... i was going to have them poison her, hence the tea... and then midnight struck and i had to cut it short... and, i think, upon a rewrite, i could come up with a good reason...in fact, i just did... they had to be sure she hadn't talked to anyone else in the town first... they had to cover all their bases... ;)

blonde was important only in that hitchcock had a fondness for them in his films... said they came across better in black and white... and i was trying to make it as hitchcockian as possible ;)

it was supposed to be the 40's or 50's... in my head, it was all black and white.

i had other people think ghost too. that would have been cool, but too much like 'the others'.

the continued's were automatically added by celtx. stupid script program... :furious3:

yay! no suicidal thoughts. thanks for the feedback :)

jamiejay
03-17-2010, 08:43 PM
Very Hitchcockie!

that's what she said ;p

Anthony Todaro
03-17-2010, 09:00 PM
that's what she said ;p

Get a BROOM you two.

I love mcmuffins. Yeah I do in depth reviews for return reads and crits. But you have to be over brutal. Damn I want a mcmuffin now... Fucq it's after 10:30!!!!! NO!!!!!

jamiejay
03-18-2010, 04:25 PM
how did i miss this? i'm ok with brutal... have at it... all three of my previous scripts are listed below... if you do review any of them, let me know... did you ever get your mcmuffin? ;)

alex whitmer
03-18-2010, 09:23 PM
This story was a fast and easy read, and I never felt lost, and not once had re-read a single line. Very nice.

I pretty much got right away that Vera had something to hide, and certainly her dialogue revealed that as she and John followed Jane around. I like how the invisible Sarah was always present without actually being there (I assume the dark-haired girl in one of the paintings was Sarah?) MacGuffin!

Because of the language used, I got a period-piece feel from this, like it could be in the 40s. There isn't any time ref, so I'm guessing.

Like how Mrs. Baxter becomes a loose end to the plan. Leaves open what will happen next. I get by her offering pumpkin bread, Vera has been pretending to be Jane for quite some time? She's elderly and would certainly have remembered the real Jane once confronted with her. This also opens up a potential hole in that she would also know Sarah, and would realize at some point she is missing. Nosy old neighbors have nothing better to do!

I'm going to assume both Sarah and Hattie are buried in the back 40.

No need to establish motive. A railroad tycoon's home and money is more than enough.

One hole ... if Jane was missing for so long, how did Vera know they looked nearly twins? A lot can change over the years.

Another hole - how did Jane know dad was in the urn? Was it obvious even from the foyer looking into the living room (you don't establish these locations, but a manor would have them).


As a working document ...

Easy as pie to read, cast and nail down locations. The dialogue was a little stilted even for what it was meant to convey (period, or proper) and would likely get a rewrite before filming.

If I were filming it, I'd chop most of the taxi scene, and cut to when they arrive at the gate. A few choice words and some good acting (befuddlement as she exits the taxi) could easily set this up without the expository taxi exchange. Save that time for more time in the house, or even a garden scene to break up the scene elements.

Very filmable. I can see some great long shots in hallways as Jane tours the house. Some great close up as she looks at photos - or missing photos. Some great, shifty eye exchanges between John and Vera.

Nicely done. A line-by-line review on the nuts and bolts avail if you like.

a

Michael Carter
03-18-2010, 09:45 PM
Liked it - the only thing that leapt out at me was the total lack of contractions in the dialogue (IE, "Can't" vs. "Can not"). You clarified above that this was the 40's, but in films of that period, the dialogue is usually a little looser. Still, that (to me anyway) seems like a top challenge of screenwriting - giving dialogue a "feel", a sense of personality, that translates in print.

I just read "As I Lay Dying" (Faulkner) and was struck by the perfection of his dialogue. Really beautiful example.

Russell Moore
03-19-2010, 01:06 PM
Jamie glad to see you back in the mix.

Nice script , easy to read. The tech issues have been covered.

The story definitely had a 40's and Hitchcock feel to it. The dialogue was a tiny bit stiff and had a few typos...I know you said it was hurried, so its nothing a minor rewrite couldn't fix and I'm sure it would be great. I've liked your dialogue in your previous scripts.

Really good suspense built up. You kept my interest as to what was going to happen and what was happening.

I like the ending...I'm a fan of endings that leave it up to the audience's interpretation.

One of the best points I've heard raised (though I admit it didn't occur to me at the time) was how would they know that Vera so closely resembled Jane after she had been gone for so long?

Solid story overall. Good job!

jamiejay
03-19-2010, 04:24 PM
This story was a fast and easy read, and I never felt lost, and not once had re-read a single line. Very nice.



glad to hear that. :)



I pretty much got right away that Vera had something to hide, and certainly her dialogue revealed that as she and John followed Jane around. I like how the invisible Sarah was always present without actually being there (I assume the dark-haired girl in one of the paintings was Sarah?) MacGuffin!


sarah was indeed the macguffin... and the girl in the painting...



Because of the language used, I got a period-piece feel from this, like it could be in the 40s. There isn't any time ref, so I'm guessing.


40's was what i was going for so good call on that... but i know i shoud have been more clear... there is a lot i left out in my rush... including time of day even... grr... i almost regret entering at all knowing the few hours i had before the deadline were not enough to write it as good as it could have been... but it's a good experience and i am interested to hear what people think of the plot, if nothing else... :)



Like how Mrs. Baxter becomes a loose end to the plan. Leaves open what will happen next. I get by her offering pumpkin bread, Vera has been pretending to be Jane for quite some time? She's elderly and would certainly have remembered the real Jane once confronted with her. This also opens up a potential hole in that she would also know Sarah, and would realize at some point she is missing. Nosy old neighbors have nothing better to do!



true... i think a line about sarah being out of town or moving away or something would have remedied that... good point.



I'm going to assume both Sarah and Hattie are buried in the back 40.

No need to establish motive. A railroad tycoon's home and money is more than enough.


correct on both counts :)



One hole ... if Jane was missing for so long, how did Vera know they looked nearly twins? A lot can change over the years.

Another hole - how did Jane know dad was in the urn? Was it obvious even from the foyer looking into the living room (you don't establish these locations, but a manor would have them).



see... this is why it's a good thing i entered despite it not being perfect... these are valid issues...

i think the first hole could possibly be addressed by the couple seeing jane's picture in a newspaper article about how she is still missing after running away five or six years ago... upon realizing vera's resemblance to jane, they concoct their murderous scheme... five or six years would be long enough for most people to either forget her exact appearance or to explain any changes as aging... but it would also be not so long that she would have changed so much that there wouldn't still be a resemblance... does that make sense?

as to the urn... i guess i was thinking she was just assuming it was him... and then the engraved plaque confirmed it... but i could make that more clear...



As a working document ...

Easy as pie to read, cast and nail down locations. The dialogue was a little stilted even for what it was meant to convey (period, or proper) and would likely get a rewrite before filming.

If I were filming it, I'd chop most of the taxi scene, and cut to when they arrive at the gate. A few choice words and some good acting (befuddlement as she exits the taxi) could easily set this up without the expository taxi exchange. Save that time for more time in the house, or even a garden scene to break up the scene elements.


i completely agree. in past scripts, my dialogue seemed to be a strong point, but, this time, i rushed and focused solely on the plot... midnight struck before i knew it and, in a rewrite, the taxi scene could be shortened significantly...



Very filmable. I can see some great long shots in hallways as Jane tours the house. Some great close up as she looks at photos - or missing photos. Some great, shifty eye exchanges between John and Vera.

Nicely done. A line-by-line review on the nuts and bolts avail if you like.

a

thanks! your feedback is always appreciated and a line-by-line is always welcome. :)

i feel like there is so much i could do with this script... and i am glad to see that someone else saw its potential despite it not being as well-written as i would have preferred.

looking forward to seeing another script from you soon! :beer:

jamie

jamiejay
03-19-2010, 04:26 PM
Liked it - the only thing that leapt out at me was the total lack of contractions in the dialogue (IE, "Can't" vs. "Can not"). You clarified above that this was the 40's, but in films of that period, the dialogue is usually a little looser. Still, that (to me anyway) seems like a top challenge of screenwriting - giving dialogue a "feel", a sense of personality, that translates in print.

I just read "As I Lay Dying" (Faulkner) and was struck by the perfection of his dialogue. Really beautiful example.

completely agree on the dialogue... i am disappointed because i know it could have been better. still... if that's all that leapt out at you, i hope that's a good thing. ??

jamiejay
03-19-2010, 04:33 PM
Jamie glad to see you back in the mix.

Nice script , easy to read. The tech issues have been covered.

The story definitely had a 40's and Hitchcock feel to it. The dialogue was a tiny bit stiff and had a few typos...I know you said it was hurried, so its nothing a minor rewrite couldn't fix and I'm sure it would be great. I've liked your dialogue in your previous scripts.

Really good suspense built up. You kept my interest as to what was going to happen and what was happening.

I like the ending...I'm a fan of endings that leave it up to the audience's interpretation.

One of the best points I've heard raised (though I admit it didn't occur to me at the time) was how would they know that Vera so closely resembled Jane after she had been gone for so long?

Solid story overall. Good job!

hey conlan! glad to see a friendly avatar ;)

i sincerely wish you had entered this time... your scripts are always well-written and entertaining...

what do you think about my response to alex? would that have made it better do you think?

i liked my dialogue better in previous scripts too... thanks for saying that :)

i'm happy you liked it... hope to see you next time!

jamie

Russell Moore
03-22-2010, 03:16 PM
Hey Jamie...thanks for the kind words.

I was bummed that I didn't get a script in, I had a few ideas, but nothing that seemed strong enough to run with. If you get the chance to read and give me feedback on my Betrayal script (Buck's Best Friend) I'd appreciate it.

I think Alex made a lot of good points(as usual) and I think your ideas are solid.

As far as the couple seeing Jane in a newspaper article, I think that is convincing enough, but it might be tricky to fit into the script.

preston
03-28-2010, 10:20 AM
notes as i go...

Blonde woman, huge house.. already feels like Hitchcock..

is Jane delusional? they don't seem to know who she is..

actually John seems to know something about what's going on.

ok, they seem to know who her father is, because Vera mentions that his death was a suicide.

now John has acknowledged Sarah, kind of anyway. so who are they? why don't they know Jane?

so is John just humoring her about Sarah retrurning?

yes, according to Vera in the kitchen.. this is getting very interesting, mysterious..

the neighbor knows who Jane is!

things are falling apart.. John says the neighbor often confuses Jane and Sarah?

ok ok ok i get it. Vera has become Jane. she and John are the ultimate squatters, claiming the huge house for themselves because she looks so much like Jane.

too bad you ended it on the reveal, i'd love to see how this "situation" plays out. looks like they have a couple more loose ends to tie up if they want to keep living in the big house!

good job, great Hithcock feel.

jamiejay
03-28-2010, 06:58 PM
thanks, preston. it was good to see your read-as-you-go reaction because i could tell that it did come across as intended... jane looked like this crazy, delusional intruder... that's what i was hoping for... and you understood the ending perfectly too... glad you liked it. :)