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theAlchemist
03-13-2010, 08:02 PM
http://lh3.ggpht.com/_osfOI-Q3V1Q/S5xOzDh-SeI/AAAAAAAAACQ/a8ILFHkJRks/theantidote2.jpg

LOGLINE: Frank Bigelow embarks on a search for an antidote while suffering the increasing deadly effects of a life ending poison.

theAlchemist
03-13-2010, 08:07 PM
Uploaded the script.

Maybe I will replace the poster, my camera died on me so this was just a quick try.
Not really what I had in mind. :undecided

jamiejay
03-14-2010, 05:05 PM
good luck... glad you entered. :)

DarkElastic
03-15-2010, 08:02 PM
Hi Alch, I just read your script.

*Spoilers*

You do well with making us feel disorientated. You create a believable world where our protagonist sees everything in a strange manner and his imagination runs riot.

I really liked the twist when John brings him around. I wasn't so much of a fan of the Gangster side story though. It took me a couple of reads to realise the kid they referred to was Frank.

There were plenty of spelling errors and gramatical errors, but I got through them. I won't have a go about it too much, as I know English is your second language. But you should have someone read over it for you, as this would have greatly improved the read.

I was all set to ask 'Why did they take him from one alleyway to another in the evening, especially with the road as busy as it is a little later?' The twist answered that for me nicely.

Overall, gramatical errors aside, this was a good script with a very good twist. You should have kept the gangster thing out in my opinion. Well done.

theAlchemist
03-16-2010, 05:39 PM
Hi DarkElastic,

Thx for reading and taking the time to write down some feedback.

*Spoilers*


Hi Alch, I just read your script.



You do well with making us feel disorientated. You create a believable world where our protagonist sees everything in a strange manner and his imagination runs riot. I'm happy to hear that worked well for you. I started the idea for my script with that part.


I really liked the twist when John brings him around. I wasn't so much of a fan of the Gangster side story though. It took me a couple of reads to realise the kid they referred to was Frank.Glad you liked the twist. Sorry to hear you didn't like the gangster part too much. I do have to say that I invested the least amount of time into that part of the story. It was a last minute change to bring in the gangster stuff. I Had something else in mind, but in the end I didn't know how to explain the situation within the page limit. And I should have referred to Frank by name, this kid dialog just adds unnecessary confusion.



There were plenty of spelling errors and gramatical errors, but I got through them. I won't have a go about it too much, as I know English is your second language. But you should have someone read over it for you, as this would have greatly improved the read. Second language or not, you're right it should be as error free as can be. A lot of Dutch people that read parts of the script let these things skip because they're not sure themselves whether it's correct or not. I need to make more native English speaking friends I guess.



I was all set to ask 'Why did they take him from one alleyway to another in the evening, especially with the road as busy as it is a little later?' The twist answered that for me nicely. I can understand that feels too set-up when reading the script, so good to hear the twist took that feeling away in the end.



Overall, gramatical errors aside, this was a good script with a very good twist. You should have kept the gangster thing out in my opinion. Well done.Thank you, I hope you enjoyed the read.



I'm curious about the other entries, gonna read most of them tomorrow :smile:

nitramlehcar
03-17-2010, 06:16 AM
I enjoyed your entry. I agree about the grammar. It does take you out just a bit. You could probably found a few people on here that wouldn't mind proof reading for you. Over all, nice job though.

Anthony Todaro
03-17-2010, 04:57 PM
Tin? It's a hypodermic needle dammit! ;) Check out the active voice in your writing. I'm not a fan of addressing the reader, it takes them out of the story. Slugs should be more generic, EXT. ALLEY - NIGHT Use the action to describe details. NIGHT or DAY moments later isn't en vogue. Watch out for direction in a spec script. Use room numbers or letters. Start with FADE IN flush left, end with FADE OUT or FADE TO BLACK flush right. Kinda had that Shutter Island thing. Not sure about the very end with the dossier, and the monitors. You got me on that part. It works to end it at the "You're my shrink" part. I loved the reveal.

mary.susanna
03-17-2010, 05:15 PM
Great twist, and pretty impressive considering English is not your first language.

Chris_Keaton
03-17-2010, 05:54 PM
Alright you know the routine, here's my horribly awful review. If you have a weak continence and are prone to suicidal thoughts please do not read on!!!! You've been warned!

Pg 1
- What did 'Fade In' do to you?
- If you want the audience to know it's 83 you need to describe 83 or put it in a super. The reader shouldn't be privy to info the viewer won't get.
- Lose the word 'is' from your screenwriting vocab, it can lead to passive writing.
- Lose 'we see' this is a script, so we'll see everything you write. So if you want to emphasis the hand put the movement in it's own action block. The director will get the hint.
Pg 2
- How do 'we see' that they are waiting for the cost to clear? Just stick to what 'we see'. So we see the two men peeking their heads out of the alley watching the traffic.
- Is the Vo necessary?
Pg 3
- Break your action blocks into what you want the camera to see in a single shot.
Pg 4
- If you were trying to make his march to the antidote seem long and painful you succeeded. I felt his pain the whole way, literally. You might want to trim it up and let the director and actors make some decisions.
Pg 5
- TL lights? huh? Who calls florescent lights TL lights. Are you a lightbulb engineer, oh wait it could be Netherlands thing, nevermind.
- MEDIUM: ? Not sure what that is supposed to tell me?
Pg 6
- If you stuck to purely an active voice this would be a lot more dramatic. Strange, if filmed it would 'show' the same, but the read can change. That could be the difference between selling it or not.
- I really think the story would be more suspenseful without the VO.
Pg 7
- Man it would trip me out if he found his body.
Pg 9
- Oh no the old movie reveal, aarrrgggghhhh!
Pg 10
- Snap switcharoo

I can't admit to be totally getting the ending, but overall you did a great job in the suspense department. Congrats.

I won't applaud you on your English, because I don't know anyone in your neck of the woods that doesn't speak better English than I do. :)

jamiejay
03-18-2010, 11:06 AM
i was confused by the ending, as well... i read it back through and i still am not quite sure... i do like the whole twist with the hypnotism... good call about "shutter island", anthony. i like the feel of the story and it is an interesting premise that certainly kept me wondering about what was going on... which is good. glad you entered :)

KhamIsk
03-18-2010, 12:40 PM
Hi Fi from another non-native!

I enjoyed the entry. A simple straightforward story and flows nicely.
I'd recommend you to read this:
http://moviepoet.com/script.aspx?scriptid=1693
But you've got to become a member on moviepoet.com.
That script is very similar to yours - a stabbed in the back man looks around, crawls etc. Maybe you could look up some of the wording.

I think that the last page needs to be rewritten for clarity. Frank used to con the others? And they are making the movie based on true events? I know they are looking for an antidote, so that must not be it.

Greatly build suspense!

theAlchemist
03-21-2010, 02:09 PM
I enjoyed your entry. I agree about the grammar. It does take you out just a bit. You could probably found a few people on here that wouldn't mind proof reading for you. Over all, nice job though.I'll be sure to have some proper english proofreaders next scriptfest. Thx for reading and commenting. I'm happy you enjoyed the read.

theAlchemist
03-21-2010, 02:11 PM
Tin? It's a hypodermic needle dammit! ;) Check out the active voice in your writing. I'm not a fan of addressing the reader, it takes them out of the story.Will pay more attention to.


Slugs should be more generic, EXT. ALLEY - NIGHT Use the action to describe details. NIGHT or DAY moments later isn't en vogue.Wanted to seperate the two alleys, so that's why I named one of them quite specific. I tried magix screenwriter for some time and it always had a lot more pop-up suggestions besides day and night. So always thought it was ok to use.


Watch out for direction in a spec script. Use room numbers or letters. Start with FADE IN flush left, end with FADE OUT or FADE TO BLACK flush right.Will do.


Kinda had that Shutter Island thing. Not sure about the very end with the dossier, and the monitors. You got me on that part. It works to end it at the "You're my shrink" part. I loved the reveal.Glad you liked the reveal. Maybe you're right that I could have ended it after the reveal, but I did want to hint at the why. Maybe a bit too ambitious for the last page though. That's now a bit confusing it seems.

Thanks for reading and the feedback.

theAlchemist
03-21-2010, 02:56 PM
Great twist, and pretty impressive considering English is not your first language.Thanks for the kind words and your time, hope you enjoyed the read.


Alright you know the routine, here's my horribly awful review. If you have a weak continence and are prone to suicidal thoughts please do not read on!!!! You've been warned!

Pg 1
- What did 'Fade In' do to you?
- If you want the audience to know it's 83 you need to describe 83 or put it in a super. The reader shouldn't be privy to info the viewer won't get. /roger
- Lose the word 'is' from your screenwriting vocab, it can lead to passive writing.
- Lose 'we see' this is a script, so we'll see everything you write. So if you want to emphasis the hand put the movement in it's own action block. The director will get the hint.
Fade in will be there next time.
Think I only used the 'is' stuff if the camera would fall into an activity. Will try to completely ban the 'is' and we see stuff next time.



Pg 2
- How do 'we see' that they are waiting for the cost to clear? Just stick to what 'we see'. So we see the two men peeking their heads out of the alley watching the traffic.
- Is the Vo necessary?
Eh didn't even notice that first point.
And no the voice over isn't necessary. The script can do without it.



Pg 3
- Break your action blocks into what you want the camera to see in a single shot.will pay extra attention to.



Pg 4
- If you were trying to make his march to the antidote seem long and painful you succeeded. I felt his pain the whole way, literally. You might want to trim it up and let the director and actors make some decisions.
Hope not too much pain. I do want the reader to get inside Frank's head and I guess that's one of the reasons I wrote some parts very specific.



Pg 5
- TL lights? huh? Who calls florescent lights TL lights. Are you a lightbulb engineer, oh wait it could be Netherlands thing, nevermind.
- MEDIUM: ? Not sure what that is supposed to tell me?
Hehe yeah TL lights is Dutch, I won't use it next time.
And about that medium shot thing... I wanted to emphasize some shot choices, because it's supposed to be linked to one of Frank's symptoms.



Pg 6
- If you stuck to purely an active voice this would be a lot more dramatic. Strange, if filmed it would 'show' the same, but the read can change. That could be the difference between selling it or not.
- I really think the story would be more suspenseful without the VO.
It's worth stripping the v.o and see how it reads in another version, haven't tried it without.



Pg 7
- Man it would trip me out if he found his body.
Pg 9
- Oh no the old movie reveal, aarrrgggghhhh!
Pg 10
- Snap switcharoo
I have no clue what snap switcharoo means. Can anyone enlighten me?



I can't admit to be totally getting the ending, but overall you did a great job in the suspense department. Congrats.

I won't applaud you on your English, because I don't know anyone in your neck of the woods that doesn't speak better English than I do.
The ending could do with some more work for clarity sake. Will clarify some when I reply to KhamIsk's comments. Thanks for your detailed comments, appreciate it and don't worry about me getting suicide thoughts. I only see fair and constructive criticism.

Chris_Keaton
03-21-2010, 03:41 PM
I have no clue what snap switcharoo means. Can anyone enlighten me?



Just that the twist caught me by surprise.