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seansshack
03-12-2010, 12:32 PM
A teacher experiences problems getting over a students suicide, but her real problems have only just begun...

Pupil... Teacher... Patient... Lover...

http://www.khm.uio.no/utstillinger/santeria/grafikk2/omsant_8.jpg
DVXuser Script Fest VII

seansshack
03-12-2010, 01:53 PM
just have to shave off half a page and polish a few bits.

Anthony Todaro
03-12-2010, 04:47 PM
Looks interesting!

seansshack
03-13-2010, 12:22 PM
Uploaded.

jamiejay
03-14-2010, 08:40 AM
hey seanshack... glad you made it :)

Bridget D.
03-14-2010, 07:15 PM
Can't wait to read this one. I like the 3-2-1 with the colored periods.

DarkElastic
03-15-2010, 07:14 PM
Hi Sean, just read your script.

*Spoilers*

Very nice story. Loved the horror aspects and the hanuted African necklace.

You describe the Doctor twice.

A few spelling and gramatical errors, but they don't detract too much.

Overall, a great little horror script. You just need to go over it again and remove the little gramatical niggles. Well done.

seansshack
03-16-2010, 02:00 AM
Cheers and apologies for typo's. I was under pressure with free time as was dealing with "everything" - work, kids the lot , as my wife was in an accident. So been writing through very tired eyes of late and the attention levels have been a bit lacking. ;-(

Thanks for the read, I wanted it be be a who done it, with plenty of layers to the characters/plot.

Wouldn't mind "trying" to make this one myself.

Chris_Keaton
03-16-2010, 08:20 PM
Alright, here's my page by page nitpicky review. Do not take this personally. My review is designed to help. My review bears little influence on my scores. I mainly score for story and overall execution.

Pg 1
- I miss 'Fade In'
- Does this Flashback end?
- I don't think scenes should start with dialog, unless it's pitch blacbk, but then you could start with 'darkness'.
Pg 3
- Looks like one of your action blocks got cloned.
- That necklace conversation snuck in, hmmm, I wonder what that means? :)

This was a nice ghost story and a clear use of a Mcguffin. As you can see I didn't have much to say. It was a smooth, easy, and entertaining read.

seansshack
03-17-2010, 01:40 AM
Thanks Chris. God knows where that fade in went. Must have been during the cutting of scenes to get it down to 10 pages.

Thanks for the read and review.

nitramlehcar
03-17-2010, 07:07 AM
Very cool read. I was a little confused about the shower curtain hanging and the broken fingernails looking like a suicide, but I guess that's the anthropologist in me nit-picking. Over-all, very fun read. Love the MacGuffin.

seansshack
03-17-2010, 07:40 AM
The broken nails where the obvious clue to police/doctor that it wasn't a suicide as she loved her perfect nails - the doctor should have picked up on this but was too concerned with his own business.

Thanks for the read.

Chris_Keaton
03-17-2010, 08:33 AM
The broken nails where the obvious clue to police/doctor that it wasn't a suicide as she loved her perfect nails - the doctor should have picked up on this but was too concerned with his own business.

Thanks for the read.


Yeah, I was screaming 'What kind of cop are you? How can you miss those clues?' Maybe toning them down would make it clear to the audience, but not so clear we think everyone is missing it (well except for the doctor).

seansshack
03-17-2010, 11:38 AM
Well the cop wouldn't find that too obvious, but the doctor would remember her obsessing about them.

And perhaps, if you think, the real MacGuffin was her nails, I mean the classic MacGuffin is the audience screaming "it's right there, can't you see it".

With is seeing it and not the cop is cool + we have seen her, much like the doctor obsessing over them.

So a double MacGuffin for me lol!

Anthony Todaro
03-17-2010, 04:58 PM
Why is Slim upper lower? End your FLASHBACKS. Use the proper standard spec format if you plan to peddle them. BEGIN FLASHBACK and END FLASHBACK. Watch for grammar and typos. Slugs get two spaces above them.

Goooood MacGuffin. I like the V.O. the FLASHBACKS but end the FB's. Spoooky story I loved it! =)

mary.susanna
03-17-2010, 05:13 PM
so, giving away the voodoo necklace thingy caused the people to commit suicide and haunt the person they gave the necklace to? or am i way off?

i thought the cop should have known it wasn't suicide too. still, good script overall.

seansshack
03-17-2010, 05:19 PM
It offers protection (of sorts) until you pass it on or it gets lost. then the gloves are off. So twisted protection. Figured that could be explained in a feature script. A once protecting necklace becomes cursed, you have it and you "see dead people", get rid of it in the hope it will get rid of the visions, then you are screwed. The new owner gets haunted by the last and so on.

No idea how the double spaces above slugs were missed. Have to verify, as written in final draft.

Thanks for the read/review.

Anthony Todaro
03-17-2010, 05:28 PM
...as written in final draft.

Yep me too. You have to go in and set it for each one. It's kind of a bitch.

Here's how... :happy:
http://todarocreative.com/spacing.png

Bigmagic
03-18-2010, 10:16 AM
I loved it, I think that kid in Sixth Sense must of had on of these necklaces. Really good creepy tale. Well done.

seansshack
03-18-2010, 11:15 AM
Cheers, glad you liked it. And yeah except this necklace has been warped a little. :happy:

jamiejay
03-18-2010, 04:14 PM
i liked the idea and i think you did a great job with it... very creepy and entertaining. :)

KhamIsk
03-18-2010, 04:17 PM
I liked it.

The only thing is - the flashback when Angelina is at the feet of her dead mother - we as a viewer don't even know that it's her mother and we would not understand.

The mcguffin makes great sense and is creepy suggesting that this series of events will never stop... In a way like Jumanji.

seansshack
03-18-2010, 05:38 PM
cheers. The voice over spells out her mother killed herself, and then is mixed with a young girl looking at the swinging feet, so figured "visually" it was enough without too much emphasis.

Thanks for the reads/reviews.

KhamIsk
03-18-2010, 06:19 PM
Yes there's the VO - we'd understand. My bad.

seansshack
03-19-2010, 01:47 AM
no worries, I could have easily let it slip through.

Jay Rodriguez
03-19-2010, 09:03 AM
Am I missing something here? Where's the link to it?

DarkElastic
03-19-2010, 09:18 AM
Jay, go back out into the ScriptFest VII: Hitchcock (http://www.dvxuser.com/V6/forumdisplay.php?f=200) page and go into the Viewing Open thread, In there is a link to the scripts.

alex whitmer
03-19-2010, 03:33 PM
Interesting story.


Some very nice visuals here. Fairly straight forward story. Some nice creep stuff, but I felt you relied on some of the old staples we have seen before - reflections in the mirror, etc. I'd like to see you push the envelope a little on this one. Voodoo is so multi-dimentional and hallucinigenic, and I'd like to see this explored beyond the reflections in the mirror.

The opening was very slow. Too slow.


Lot of typos slowed the read. Things like this ...

He fold her arms again to heat herself, as the temperature
drops in the room.

I assume you meant SHE folds ...

And things like this ...

Doctor White takes notes on a PDA.

The PDA isn't mentioned before when the Doc is taking notes. I had to go back and see if I missed it.


Like how the necklace has a dual purpose - protect and doom. Very nice. I was torn between that and the finger nails as being the MacGuffin.

You say the necklace is multi-colored and also wooden. Are the wooden beads pointed?



As a working document ...

Certainly an easy story to film, and though not very original in overall execution, it would translate well into film. Other than some rotting corpse makeup, I don't see much in the way of big challenges.

a

seansshack
03-20-2010, 06:08 AM
Thanks Alex. I love the use of mirrors in these type of movie. A "I just saw something... didn't I?"

+ agree would be easy to film, and have been playing with the idea of extending it. To show where the necklace became twisted and where it ends up.

Thanks for the read/review.

Russell Moore
03-22-2010, 02:41 PM
I really enjoyed this script. Everyone has covered the techie stuff I would have mentioned.

I thought it was very visual. I thought the use of the necklace was used very well. You created a very good haunting ghost story. Nice work.

seansshack
03-22-2010, 03:06 PM
Thanks and delighted you mentioned it was very visual, as I always try to write as such. I film my scripts in my head first, shot by shot before I write. A frustrated director I guess:happy:

Thanks for the review and read.