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Anthony Todaro
03-10-2010, 08:44 AM
http://todarocreative.com/BLUE_MELT.jpg

LOGLINE: Noose around neck, a hooded someone balances atop a block of melting ice as peculiar events unfold.

DarkElastic
03-10-2010, 10:02 AM
Nice, I love the old riddle.

Anthony Todaro
03-12-2010, 10:04 PM
Uploaded and I'm kinda loaded too. =)

jamiejay
03-14-2010, 09:45 AM
good job with the poster. :)

Chris_Keaton
03-15-2010, 08:07 PM
Ok, I've read this enough, you got my feedback. Awesome atmospheric piece!

DarkElastic
03-16-2010, 06:16 PM
Hi Ant. just read your script.

*Spoilers*

As a story it works well, it's shrouded in mystery and builds up to a satifying conclusion.

You created good characters, especially Harry and his shoe store cover.

The majority of the action is well written.

I did get lost in some of said action though. It was so quick that it felt it had words missing that would have helped the story along.

I don't think you needed the small supernatural element of Harry having a flash of black eyes... He works without it, as a money lending bastard!


Overall, a very good script, just needs a little more work and it would be excellent.

MML
03-16-2010, 07:43 PM
Awesome opening. Intense, unique and great visuals.

"I need a new sole" - very nice.

"reading between the lines" - nice again ... A+ on subtext so far Anthony. :)

A+ on some really great transitions too.

I really liked this. The dialog was excellent. Characters were very interesting and the visuals were strong. Two thumbs up, my friend. GREAT job!!!

KhamIsk
03-16-2010, 08:44 PM
This is really well written. All the visuals are great.

I had to read it twice to follow it all - glad I did, greatly enjoyed the transitions, the descriptions...

One thing - maybe you could show Harry counting money (or something in that sense) - I got it, but it wasn't easy, I really had to read between the lines:)

Every line seems thought through, what a thrilling, exciting read!

Here "They're definitely not, but we, we are good." - I'm a big fan of a crude humor like this. Witty dialog throughout!

mary.susanna
03-17-2010, 06:40 PM
oooh...I don't know why but I'm so creeped out by the shoes. I'm tossing my red stilettos now! Great visual.

Anthony Todaro
03-18-2010, 12:20 PM
Wow! Thanks to you all!

jamiejay
03-18-2010, 03:34 PM
you can tell you are a writer... very descriptive. i really enjoyed it. i loved the supernatural element of the black eyes, actually... and i thought the "i need a new sole" line was clever without being obnoxious... you put a lot of work into this... great job ;)

jamiejay
03-18-2010, 04:30 PM
also... are you a neil gaiman fan? have you read neverwhere?

alex whitmer
03-19-2010, 02:14 AM
Well now that was interesting.

Lot of flashing back and forth that required a slow - but not tedious - read. The good part is that it was all very visual. Love the blocks of ice thunking down the chute. Pretty funny actually - going to a vending machine to get ice so you can inflict a slow death on someone. Love it!

Threw me with Harry and Henry. These names are way too close.

Page 6/7 The Mutt and Jeff exchange seems out of character with the rest of the script and beautifully measured dialogue.


This is great ...

Henry examines it with an elevator gaze.


A little lost on how the shoes got from the dead to Harry, since in the opening it seems Felix delivered his own shoes? I know I missed something really important here. Darn it.

One of the few scripts I've read that can get away with flowery writing - it absolutely sets the tone for the story. It's really great when the action text and the dialogue are written in the same 'language'. Nice.


As a working document ...

This would need some serious attention to detail on set design. Harry's shop, as it bookends the story, would be crucial to do it as written. Any skimping would rob the film of its full potential.

A busy horse track can be tough, as well as a metro train and a restaurant - all locations that can be difficult to nail down - but worth every headache if you can pull it off on a short film's shoestring budget.

No doubt this would be stunning on film.



I believe your MacGuffin was the photo of the girl on the horse.

alex

Anthony Todaro
03-19-2010, 07:09 AM
@ jamiejay >> Nope never read it. Mirror Mask was really good. I love me some Clive Barker too. "I have many leather-bound books." Ron Burgundy

@alex >> Thanks! Wingtips were the McMuffin. I chose not to ditch it ala The 39 Steps. The stuff I always see in my head, besides the dirty pictures, is vast. The one room drama is cool but I am focusing on the story these days not the budget. Attainable, challenging to shoot with high effect is my goal. Hoping to attract that upper echelon director. Don't forget the talent! =) This would take great chracter actors to make it sing. But if all stars aligned it could be really cool. I guess the photo, is like the mini McMuffin now that I think about it... lol, good call.

Thanks for the thorough read!

preston
03-23-2010, 12:19 PM
cool poster..

(notes as i read)

wow, great start. 3 lines in and i'm intrigued.

so FELIX is the man with the suit and wingtips. does this mean he's no longer hanging, or possibly this scene is in the past? i'll keep reading to find out.

well we're back to the WAREHOUSE, shoes still on ice. so this is nonlinear, i'm guessing.

yeah this is all over the place, time-line wise. i'm getting the hang of it, i think.

lots and lots of shoes in here, huh?

ok, i think i got it by the end, but it was pretty confusing (to me).

some grammatical errors throughout that need fixing..

ok, i think you have a decent story here, just make sure your script is clear enough so that the reader isn't totally lost. i'm sure if i read it again, it would be easier to follow..

Anthony Todaro
03-23-2010, 05:18 PM
@ preston >Thanks for the read and the review. I would be super appreciative if you pointed out the grammar stuff you saw, I thought I had it pretty well cleaned up... :bath:

Confusion was part of the story as was a hint of mystery. So having questions at the end and throughout was my intention.
What's pretty cool is people have said stuff like, I'm not sure but I think... And then they/you have, for the most part, been correct with assumptions. Mission Accomplished! Feels good to get it right at least kinda!!

Bridget D.
03-23-2010, 06:22 PM
Really enjoyed this script. It was a bit confusing in places, but I think if I were watching this instead of reading it, it would probably be fine. As you mentioned above, the confusion adds to the mystery and I like mystery. You had some great visuals and dialogue - good job.

Anthony Todaro
03-23-2010, 08:05 PM
Really enjoyed this script. It was a bit confusing in places, but I think if I were watching this instead of reading it, it would probably be fine. As you mentioned above, the confusion adds to the mystery and I like mystery. You had some great visuals and dialogue - good job.

Thanks for the read. Glad you like it. Writing mystery is tough... too much and it's cliche', too little and it's Lynch. I choose Lynch when in doubt. =)

jamiejay
03-23-2010, 08:10 PM
oh... lynch fo sho ;)

preston
03-24-2010, 11:36 AM
@ preston >Thanks for the read and the review. I would be super appreciative if you pointed out the grammar stuff you saw, I thought I had it pretty well cleaned up... :bath:

mostly just missing commas, usually in action blocks, that make it tough to read smoothly the first time. i'm probably just being nit-picky..

Russell Moore
03-24-2010, 03:17 PM
I really enjoyed this script. Top notch writing, loved the descriptions and the dialogue. one of my favorites.

vickyn
03-31-2010, 11:00 PM
Make sure to watch commas and other punctuation. For example, on page one, it reads "A bead of water races from the block the rope CREAKS." I read this line a few times, trying to understand it. I think you want a comma after 'block' or you want to end the sentence there and make the next part its own line so we know on the first read what it is showing us. You don't want to take the reader out of the story a single time. The more it happens, the more likely the reader will grow annoyed and not want to finish the script.

The same thing with "In all wrong places friend." There should be a comma after places so there's a brief pause, just like when we would speak the line. Without the pause, it can read wrong the first time through and cause the reader to backtrack.

Page 2 - Whose money

Where you staying? It sounds a little awkward without 'are'. Clara sounds a little more sophisticated than that.

Page 3 - RING, finally

Using (O.S.) alone for phone voices can be misleading. The reader can be confused as to whether the person is present in the scene or on the phone. To make sure the reader is not confused, it should be crystal clear that this is a phone voice. While everyone has their own method, the one I feel good about is using the (O.S.) but then using (filtered) underneath. That's what the Nicholl Fellowship sample formatting shows to do. That's good enough for me.

Don't cap characters in pictures. Only cap them the first time we meet them in real life. When a producer does a character search, that can be misleading and throw him off, especially if the characters are never actually present in the film. Either way, you're just describing an object, so the names wouldn't be capped.

Page 4 - Make sure all of your mini slugs are double-spaced. LATER is triple-spaced. While little things like this won't necessarily break you, there's no reason why we shouldn't try to be as perfect as possible to show we care about our work's quality.

his oxbloods

Page 5 - He/she, him/her. Felix speaks, then 'she' rolls her eyes. The she is not Felix, but since this action follows his speaking, we would be inclined to believe Felix is the she. Of course that's silly, but for that brief moment, the mind interprets it that way. In some cases, it would be difficult to know whether it's an error or not, as in two of the same gender being present, or the use of odd names where we might not know by looking at the name what gender it is until we get to know the character better. It's better to just be careful, making all of the pronouns fit the last person who spoke, or had an action.

It's good to see you again, Clara. (always use a comma before a spoken name so the sentence doesn't run all together).

A bead of water falls

Page 6 - Thousands of tickets litter the floor. Hundreds of shoes walk past a still Felix. I made these two seperate lines because the actions aren't directly related to each other. It's like action lines for characters. You wouldn't say that he does this and she does that in the same line. That wouldn't be proper writing. You would give each his own line. If both actions are for one character, then you can use an 'and'. It just helps the overall clarity.

Page 7 - The sun peaks... Do you mean 'peeks' as in to look? As it is, that means the sun has reached the highest point for the day that it can reach, which would be around noon, I believe.

Page 8 - If you choose to cap sounds, be consistent. You cap SLAMS, but not grunts and heavy breathing. The rule of thumb is to not cap sounds made by the human mouth, but when we don't see the people making the sounds, then it's perfectly fine to cap them, and even very helpful.

Page 9 - lie on the bible.

Very good job with the writing. Descriptions, and overall, action lines, were well done. Flashbacks are tricky to pull off in a short script. I had to pay extra attention to those to have them make sense in something so short, and in some cases, I would say not to use them in a very short script, but I think you have to in a story like this. Very nice job!

Anthony Todaro
04-01-2010, 09:11 AM
@ conlanforever >> Thanks for the compliments and the read, I put a lot into it. Glad you saw that.

@ vickyn >> I disagree with your opinions in this review, which are MANY! lol, but thanks for the read, vicky. =)

Chris_Keaton
04-01-2010, 10:53 AM
@ conlanforever >> Thanks for the compliments and the read, I put a lot into it. Glad you saw that.

@ vickyn >> I disagree with your opinions in this review, which are MANY! lol, but thanks for the read, vicky. =)

Now that's how you respond to feedback.

Anthony Todaro
07-01-2011, 09:58 AM
36126


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