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DarkElastic
03-02-2010, 05:05 PM
http://i42.photobucket.com/albums/e316/DarkElastic/Misc/TheRevolverPoster.jpg?t=1267639807

LOGLINE - Ted Kingsly must make a choice, revenge and retribution, or rebuilding his family.

Anthony Todaro
03-03-2010, 04:09 PM
Here we go... Looking and sounding good, Dark.

DarkElastic
03-13-2010, 05:00 AM
Uploaded.

jamiejay
03-14-2010, 09:24 AM
nice to see you entered again. looking forward to reading your script. :)

DarkElastic
03-14-2010, 09:28 AM
Ty

Chris_Keaton
03-15-2010, 08:28 PM
Ok, I'm going to review this as I read. Don't get mad I could've just said 'nice script'. Well I couldn't really give you less after your great review. It's actually inspired me to give great reviews to everyone, well great in my mind anyways.

Pg 1
- Marshall Dean, I have a friend whose actual name is Marshall Dillon. Why I mention that? Who knows.
- Your scene heading is an action block. Just writer Dinning Room and then describe it below.
- Write active. Instead of 'His eyes are red and his look is dishelved. How about 'Ted Kingsley, early 40s, dishelved, stares through blood shot eyes at a 22 revolver.' Heck with a little more work you can make the first two action blocks one.
- Lose the word 'is' from your vocab. 'He sits straight up' reads better then 'He is sat up straight... whoa I dosed off there a moment. :) you get what I mean.
- Dang, I hate VO, but I'll reserve judgement.
- Like the unique flash, I'm guessing that's all you want us to see, a girl struggling against a man on some grass. If so you communicated that.
Pg 2
- I'm guessing you are british with all that unique English. :) Waste Ground, is this a junk yard, abandoned lot, dump? I'm guessing abandoned lot, in American English.
Pg 3
- A 22 won't kill anyone, it'll just make them angry.
Pg 4
- Man, I want a waste ground of death!
PG 7
- What the hell is a Coshes?
- Floor, are they inside now?
- You do know how hard it is to hit a moving target with a hand gun? Sure the 22 doesn't have much kick, but he's going to have to go blasting to hit and keep em down.
- I can't imagine they would get caught? Why not just bury the gun and leave?

Good story. We knew the kid took the gun the minute he got out of the car. Sure I liked the bad guy banter, but I wonder if it would work better if he just started blasting as soon as he saw him? Good Job!

DarkElastic
03-16-2010, 04:21 AM
http://www.spymall.com/catalog/images/cosh3.jpg

Chris_Keaton
03-16-2010, 05:30 AM
http://www.spymall.com/catalog/images/cosh3.jpg

Oh, a nightstick or baton. You people with your funny English. :P

DarkElastic
03-16-2010, 05:34 AM
Thanks for the review, my good man.

You just remember the other side of the coin, Mr Keaton, I have to deal with your crazy use of my language as well. But I accept and understand!!! ;-)

Chris_Keaton
03-16-2010, 06:30 AM
Thanks for the review, my good man.

You just remember the other side of the coin, Mr Keaton, I have to deal with your crazy use of my language as well. But I accept and understand!!! ;-)

:) I know, I'm sorry. :) The one thing that I do love about your English is that words with different meanings have different spellings, seriously is spelling that hard, America? I just don't get us some times, but we do get to invent new words like 'bling', so we have that....ugh.

seansshack
03-16-2010, 08:01 AM
Good story and solid structure throughout. Just a few suggestions:

When use flashbacks or flashes of any kind, I would treat them as new scenes.

you have:

START FLASH
Kate lies on a dirt ground with grass tufts about her. She
screams and fights against an unknown antagonist, above her.
END FLASH

EXT. FIELD - NIGHT - FLASHBACK
Kate lies on a dirt ground with grass tufts about her. She
screams and fights against an unknown antagonist, above her.
END FLASHBACK

Just makes for an easier read but will effect the length in pages.

Some of the action and descriptions could be written differently.

example

Sat in the LIVING AREA are his wife, SALLY KINGSLY, late
30s, and JAMIE KINGSLY, 10 years old. Sally sits on the
sofa, with red eyes, and holds her son, whom stares out into
space.

First we don't know it's his wife. Tell us visually or through dialog and might read better like:

SALLY KINGSLY, late 30s, sits on the sofa and holds JAMIE KINGSLY, 10 years old. She looks like she has been crying. Sally stares out into space, her thoughts are somewhere else.

The length is not the issue, it's just the breakdown in words. But this is a matter of choice.

I wouldn't describe action within a slugline/scene

INT. THE DINING AREA OF A QUIET HOME - DAY

would just use

INT. DINING AREA - DAY
The house appears to be empty.

Again just a matter of style.

the scene heading of:
EXT. WASTE GROUND OF DEATH - DAY
read a little odd to me.

Overall I just have structure/formatting tips.

Overall a good story. Enjoyed the read. A lot of thought gone into characters and plot. Well done and good luck with it.

DarkElastic
03-16-2010, 09:17 AM
Thanks for taking the time to review, Sean.

I would have used Flash Back from the start, but the first image is actually a torment rather than actual fact. His mind is creating an image of what he thinks it would have been like, to toment himself over failing her. I wasn't actually sure what to go with, so I made them all flashes, rather than flash backs... If you get what I mean?

seansshack
03-16-2010, 11:01 AM
I would still use scene descriptions and flash rather than flashback.

I've used smash cuts in the past, but since Tropic Thunder one gets slagged off for that lol!

Just formatting hints really as these are the things I have found readers harp on and use against you in competitions and as a result get dragged out of your story when reading.

Chris_Keaton
03-16-2010, 11:09 AM
I agree with Seanshack, I guess I should've said something. :)

The purpose for all this fancy formating is to make your intention clear, however going against the grain can make you look like a rookie and that ain't cool. :)

DarkElastic
03-16-2010, 11:26 AM
OK guys, thanks a lot.

seansshack
03-16-2010, 11:37 AM
+ enjoyed the read so thank you.

nitramlehcar
03-17-2010, 10:32 AM
I loved that the silent kid avenges his sister's death and I loved how you worked that into the script. I got slightly confused with the mother though for a bit. Did Sally turn into Kelly?

DarkElastic
03-17-2010, 10:44 AM
Good spot Rachel, I missed that and so did every person who checked over it for me!!!

It is the same person. She changed her name midway through the script, by the necessary government channels :laugh:

Thanks for reading and finding that one :thumbsup:

KhamIsk
03-17-2010, 11:57 AM
Very unexpected twist and you build up to it very well, I think. Good use of the MacGuffin too.

Many oppose to the use of VO, not me, but I'm always careful with it. I'd cut some of VO lines at the beginning to make the monologue sound crisper. --just a suggestion, of course, more - it's "just in case" suggestion. For example I'd just leave "Ten years old, and a child no longer" and get rid of "his innocence had gone" and the rest from that bit.

Overall - hooray for more or less good ending! Strong piece!

Anthony Todaro
03-17-2010, 04:46 PM
That's a huge slug. Maybe just DINING ROOM? The other stuff can be in your action.
Be mindful of the proper format for opening and closing a flashback in terms of the spec standard that is.
Careful that the VO doesn't get to OTN. The reveal in VO about rape and everything was bit much. Maybe your flash in the grass could be more revealing somehow and the VO less revealing... Just a thought. Cool. Gotta love parental revenge and the undying love for their kids. What a good Dad and the son is a chip off the old block! I like the bleak feeling throughout that was a bonus. =)

mary.susanna
03-17-2010, 05:07 PM
this was pretty good, but it did seem like you dragged it out a little... still, vengeful 10-year-olds are always fun...

DarkElastic
03-17-2010, 05:22 PM
Hi Mary, Thanks for the review.
I would like to ask though where you thought it dragged?
My problem would be making it too quick and losing the build-up of tension.

mary.susanna
03-17-2010, 05:34 PM
it just felt repetitive. i know you were building tension, but it came to a point where i was starting to lose interest. more action was needed in the middle in my opinion.

DarkElastic
03-17-2010, 05:36 PM
OK, thank you.

mary.susanna
03-17-2010, 05:42 PM
but i still liked it. and it must be hard to include very much action in such a short script. the ending was good. :)

DarkElastic
03-17-2010, 05:56 PM
Hahahaha, no need to explain. I just like a little more information so I understand where the comment is aimed, and hopefully can improve upon it in future scripts.

Once again, thanks for taking time to review.

jamiejay
03-19-2010, 04:03 PM
good job with this...

i like the emotion. the conflict within the father could be felt and left the reader wondering whether or not he was going to go through with it. this was a different kind of suspense than the majority of the scripts because in most of them we are waiting for something bad to happen and here we are waiting for his decision... i myself was torn about whether or not he should do it... but the twist was satisfying... maybe you could have ended it right after the kid shot him and the parents' shocked faces and left out the part about him taking the blame for the son... this would leave it sort of open-ended... as it is, he ends up leaving the son without a father after all... that's sad to me... just a thought. enjoyable script. :)

DarkElastic
03-19-2010, 04:15 PM
Thank you very much, jamie. That is a good suggestion for the end, better suiting Hitchcock.

seanmcleod
03-20-2010, 06:01 PM
Hey, here's my opinions!

I think the general idea makes for a cool concept. However, much of the dialogue seems very forced and expositional. "She torment me, her father..." pretty heavy handed. Something like just mentioning a photo of her and him doing a father/daughter activity would get the audience to the same point, without it being so literal. Same with the mom, too one dimensional in that she what she was saying, but I felt like she wasn't as hysterical as she should be in that case. I don't know if I'm explaining this right but the way she is on the page, seems to middle of the road. I think she should either be saying do you really want to do this? or the other extreme being like "YOU"RE JUST GONNA SIT THERE AND LET THEM WALK FREE!?" type bullying him. As is something doesn't feel right. Chad and his goons seem very 1 dimensional. I would loose the goons, make it just Chad, and make him slightly remorseful. As is it doesn't really have an emotional impact, why wouldn't you kill that guy? He's gonna kill you, that becomes self defense. Whereas if he's alone and taken by surprise, there's an opportunity there to play with the moral dilemma the father has been going through. Make that character tragic or misunderstood and then you got a whole other ball of wax... does it make the father just as bad to kill him? Does he deserve this too? Hasn't there been enough life lost? This plays out better than as is where there is no choice, it's kill or be killed. Too flat. Don't know why he would bring his wife and kid to go kill someone either, seems needlessly dangerous. But I realize you need that for the kid to shoot, but I would work on figuring out a more inventive situation that doesn't bring his parenting skills into question.

For me these are the things that made this script fall flat. I like the angle you came at it with and I generally like the story, I just think you could make some of these changes and really make it strong.

But as always, just my opinion.

DarkElastic
03-20-2010, 07:33 PM
Thanks for reading and reviewing, Sean.

Bridget D.
03-24-2010, 07:52 PM
Hope this doesn't post twice - my computer is making me crazy tonight. Anyway, just finished your script - definitely liked the story - heavy script. The father seemed to have too much vo for me - telling too much story (like the phone conversations in my script). I definitely didn't like Chad, which is a good thing. I liked the boy coming out of his emotionless state to kill Chad. I did think that was kind of an odd scene - dad bringing wife and kid to the place where his daughter was murdered. Maybe if the father slowly becomes more eccentric/deranged, I could buy him bringing them to the vacant lot. I also liked the idea that the father decides to protect his son, but it did seem unnecessary. Anyway, very interesting script - good job.

MML
03-25-2010, 07:15 AM
I liked the idea of this story...each member of the family tormented that the person who murdered Kate has gotten away with it. The twist being that young, quiet Jamie is actually tormented the most.

There were a couple issues I had. One was that 10 years old is a little young to be that accurate with a gun, especially if you've never used one before.

Also, some of the dialog/VO's felt a bit expositional and forced. I didn't mind the VO, but in some parts I thought it might be better if there was actual dialog.

The villain in this story, Chad, is deplorable. A rich kid who gets away with murder, okay. But in one action you show that he's unable to look Sally in the eyes and then the next he's making fun of them being a part family and then confessing to everything. I think you need to be more consistant so we get a better idea of who this guy is.

Good suspense, McGuffin and twist at the end. :)

vickyn
04-01-2010, 11:49 AM
Nice story overall. Even people who haven't lost a child should feel what Ted feels.

Page 1 - Keep slugs simple while giving us the important info. Adjectives don't need to be in them. Save those for opening description lines. You can just say whose dining area this is if that's important, or whose house it is, then a dash, followed by the dining room.

While some like to put a lot of objects in caps, I find it is distracting to the reader. I think the practice is more what a director will do for the shooting script, to note the objects he feels are important. What we feel is important as a writer isn't necessarily what the director will feel is important.

He is seated upright on the dining chair. Again, keep actions simple and make them flow smoothly.

Use 'seated' instead of sat in these cases.

Don't cap characters we first meet in a picture. Only cap real people in the scene as we first meet them.

When cutting dialogue at the bottom of a page, use (MORE) beneath the next line and (CONT'D) next to the name on the next page so it's clear this is the same person continuing. Those who know screenplay format well, like the producers who will be reading the script, know this is how you do the breaking of dialogue so if they don't see those things, they will think for a moment that a different person speaks on the next page. That takes them out of the story until they realize this is the same person speaking. One of the tricks of screenwriting is to never remove the reader from the story so they feel more like they are watching it unfold.

Page 3 - He will be back. I will be waiting. Sounds a little too stiff for how people really talk. Most of the time, we use contractions. Sometimes we won't so it's okay to mix up things a little, but when you don't use them, make sure it sounds right not to.

Page 4 - The revolver will lie between the seats, not sit. In dialogue, people usually don't speak properly, but in action lines, that's where a writer can prove that they command grammar and writing as a whole.

Page 6 - and recognition spreads

Good job!

DarkElastic
04-07-2010, 03:27 PM
Thanks for the comments guys. Sorry I've not been active, I just havn't had time.