PDA

View Full Version : A Clockwork Darkened



Chris_Keaton
02-20-2010, 12:41 AM
http://chris-keaton.com/AClockworkDarkened.gif

LOGLINE: For better or worse an amnesiac prisoner recovers the memories of her captor fueling her revenge and reuniting her with her true love.



:engel017::evil:

alex whitmer
02-20-2010, 03:36 AM
Smokin' poster. Glad to see you in the mix.

a

MML
02-20-2010, 06:41 AM
Wow Chris. The poster is amazing and your logline really hooked me. Can't wait to read this one! Nice work. :)

Chris_Keaton
02-20-2010, 12:43 PM
I should say I owe the poster to Anthony Todaro, He did charge me an arm and leg for it. :)

Anthony Todaro
02-21-2010, 09:47 AM
The Log is smoking. I love the tag too. always tough writing those suckers.
--That would be really cool if I charged people by the part...


INVOICE #666

service / payment
_______________________________________

Poster layout .........................Toe w/ nailpolish

Due - by 3 o'clock this afternoon.

Ki-Ki
02-22-2010, 04:34 AM
Good luck Chris! Got a good feeling about this one. :evil:

Isaac_Brody
02-22-2010, 09:11 AM
I'm intrigued, looks interesting.

DarkElastic
03-05-2010, 11:02 AM
How's the script coming, Christophe!

Chris_Keaton
03-05-2010, 11:38 AM
I've got the second draft done, but it's getting mixed reviews and responses. The people who like it say nothing should change and those that aren't fond of it want everything changed.

DarkElastic
03-05-2010, 11:41 AM
Between a rock and a hard place!!!

Suppose you could use the Fest as a deciding factor!?!?

KhamIsk
03-05-2010, 01:30 PM
That's the downfall of having a great poster - you have to top it now.

Chris_Keaton
03-05-2010, 04:18 PM
Man, the pressure!

Chris_Keaton
03-12-2010, 09:55 PM
Ok, I got the file uploaded. It's all in your hands now.

jamiejay
03-14-2010, 09:41 AM
hello again. happy to see you here. excellent poster and i am excited to read what you came up with. :)

Bridget D.
03-14-2010, 11:02 AM
Chris - very interesting logline - can't wait to read your script.

DarkElastic
03-15-2010, 05:22 PM
Hi Chris, just read your scrip.

*Spoilers*

I loved the small world you created in the workshop. I loved the new age Frankenstein's monster reveal and the final reveal of her caused her to die.

What was confusing was why the brother was giving them work? Why after everything he did he still hated their love? Also, why the brother allowed her to be kept that way, a monster alomost?
I was also a little confused with Vilefort's (great name buy the way) behaviour towards Mary, his love. Yes, I can understand a little impatience, some pyschotic behaviour and may be some violence that he would be very sorry about, but not that ammount of violence towards the woman he loved and brought back to life?

Overall though, a very good script with good twists, just needs more work on the motives of the characters.

Chris_Keaton
03-15-2010, 06:13 PM
Dang, I was trying to show that the brother was looking for forgiveness and felt compelled to work for 'them' until she forgave him. I've had a few women I know who said his violence was appropriate, but they say it was because they were in abusive relationships at one time, not sure that's what I want to say. Maybe a few more minutes and I can fix that.

Thanks for the review.

DarkElastic
03-15-2010, 06:27 PM
Sounds like you had a lot of ideas. If it was a normal brother and sister I would agree... But he'd killed her and then she was back, being a slave to the man who wasn't good enough for her...
Once again, if it was a normal relationship, I would agree with the level of violence, but he gave her life. I wouldn't say there should be none, as I can see it works in this frustrating situation of life he finds himself in, but I think he would be overly affectionate as well, a real jekyll and hyde.

Chris_Keaton
03-15-2010, 07:26 PM
I never really said that the brother knew she was dead. I'm guessing that wasn't clear either, ugh.

DarkElastic
03-15-2010, 07:38 PM
Hahahahaha, my comments are just trying to be helpful and are an opinion. I did enjoy the one room world you created and loved the Frankenstein's monster lover. Just a couple of things, in my mind, needed more information or direction.

KhamIsk
03-16-2010, 09:50 AM
Hi Chris,

I love original stories and unusual set ups! I got sucked in right from the start, reads so dark... I read it twice and I'm glad I did - it's interesting and original.

On p3 - I thought it's about an infidelity, I thought Mary and Arnaud became an item - maybe that part is too misleading? And then present time Arnaud seems a little mellow.
Vilefort hits her much for not remembering - it might be cruel. On the other hand - that tricks her into thinking he was the villain and killing him seems just the right thing for her to do at the time.

You may choose not to change a bit.

Chris_Keaton
03-16-2010, 11:06 AM
Hahahahaha, my comments are just trying to be helpful and are an opinion. I did enjoy the one room world you created and loved the Frankenstein's monster lover. Just a couple of things, in my mind, needed more information or direction.

Thanks! That's exactly how I took it. Every little bit helps to make it better.

Chris_Keaton
03-16-2010, 11:07 AM
Hi Chris,

I love original stories and unusual set ups! I got sucked in right from the start, reads so dark... I read it twice and I'm glad I did - it's interesting and original.

On p3 - I thought it's about an infidelity, I thought Mary and Arnaud became an item - maybe that part is too misleading? And then present time Arnaud seems a little mellow.
Vilefort hits her much for not remembering - it might be cruel. On the other hand - that tricks her into thinking he was the villain and killing him seems just the right thing for her to do at the time.

You may choose not to change a bit.

Thanks, you might be right. I've been recieving mixed reviews from it's fine to change it. So every little bit helps... unless of course I still get mixed signals. :)

Bigmagic
03-16-2010, 08:37 PM
Chris, I love your descriptive writing style. That said I thought the story jumped back in time a bit too much. I think it could have benefited from being a little less wordy in places JMHO. I'm going to reread it. I would love to read this story as a short story or book. I am by no means an expert on screenplays so don't put too much weight on anything I say. You are a very good writer that does comes across in this piece. I think in the case of a screenplay, less is sometimes better. Enjoyed it.

seansshack
03-17-2010, 01:56 AM
Solid story and well structured. I like you use of wording in the descriptions, very rich. But sometimes they get a bit to over descriptive. The shots and paragraphs were broken up nicely, but just seemed to spend too long in scenes breaking down what we see. But again this is more a style thing. Just read like the piece could have be shorter. I also found I had to read over one or two scenes as they appeared unclear and I figured it might be me and they way I picked up on your story, but I DarkElastic covered some of this (and more besides).

Well crafted story, shows a real flare for screenwriting. Well done.

DarkElastic
03-17-2010, 04:16 AM
but I DarkElastic covered some of this (and more besides).

:embarasse - :Drogar-Shock(DBG): - :furious3: - :violent5:

seansshack
03-17-2010, 04:43 AM
:embarasse - http://www.dvxuser.com/V6/images/smilies/Drogar-Shock%28DBG%29.gif - :furious3: - :violent5: ??????

And I didn't mean I DarkElastic, I'm not DarkElastic.Typo.

Chris_Keaton
03-17-2010, 05:31 AM
??????

And I didn't mean I DarkElastic, I'm not DarkElastic.Typo.

UhOh! The truth is out. You can't put the Genie back in the bottle. This explains so much like....(fill in the blanks)

jasonthewho
03-17-2010, 05:53 AM
Hey Chris, checked this out. At first I was like, oh god, another torture-porn film about a big evil guy abusing a girl. But the payoff of finding out the truth behind the situation made it worthwhile.

Really liked the steampunkness of it. Really creative and visual environment (although it would be expensive to realize).

I agree that he shouldn't beat her, or at least as much. It would be cool if he never hit her, but by the way she interpreted the flashbacks it seemed like he had in the past (you already have some of that in there, but you could expand on it). That combined with his aggressive angry behavior could sell the idea that he beats her, even though he doesn't.

I wasn't confused about Atraud. Nor did I have a problem with the frequent flashbacks, I can see that working on film.

Chris_Keaton
03-17-2010, 06:43 AM
Really liked the steampunkness of it. Really creative and visual environment (although it would be expensive to realize).

Thanks! I do realize that even though it's in one room it would be a big undertaking.

seansshack
03-17-2010, 07:43 AM
UhOh! The truth is out. You can't put the Genie back in the bottle. This explains so much like....(fill in the blanks)

LoL needed that!

nitramlehcar
03-17-2010, 11:06 AM
One of my favorites! Kind of a Romeo and Juliet in a Twilight Oz. Fantastic job.

Chris_Keaton
03-17-2010, 12:26 PM
One of my favorites! Kind of a Romeo and Juliet in a Twilight Oz. Fantastic job.

I was thinking what if Shakespere and Tim Burton had a kid and locked him in a basement.

nitramlehcar
03-17-2010, 12:29 PM
I was thinking what if Shakespere and Tim Burton had a kid and locked him in a basement.

Haha. You nailed it!

Anthony Todaro
03-17-2010, 05:03 PM
I think this was a great modern fable. Some old some new.

Your format was perfect and it makes me want to vomit.
There is a poetry in this one that isn't always in your work. It's nice. It's weird but I could see this working as stop-action or even in an entirely different language subtitled. Just for feel. How artsy!

My only gripe is that I didn;t write it and that I kept hearing DotMatrix's voice for Mary! =) I keeed, I keeed.

mary.susanna
03-17-2010, 05:04 PM
So frickin' entertaining. I really liked it, and I don't really like much.

Chris_Keaton
03-17-2010, 06:19 PM
..... I don't really like much.

Sorry about that. :)

mary.susanna
03-17-2010, 06:21 PM
Hey, I like a lot. I just don't really like a lot. ;p

jamiejay
03-17-2010, 08:19 PM
love this one... i kept thinking frankenstein. good use of flashbacks, in my opinion, and i liked the twist at the end. i agree you could do without the beating, but if she was violent like frankenstein that would explain that... i love the visual of the metal face... well done. :)

Chris_Keaton
03-17-2010, 09:47 PM
love this one... i kept thinking frankenstein. good use of flashbacks, in my opinion, and i liked the twist at the end. i agree you could do without the beating, but if she was violent like frankenstein that would explain that... i love the visual of the metal face... well done. :)

Thanks!

Rodney V. Smith
03-18-2010, 10:23 PM
Hey Chris, just had a look, then another look before i started feedback. I think this would actually translate well to film, especially making good use of the TICK-TOCK sounds and lots of stunning production design work. The texture you've created feels very much like a painting with so much going on in every corner. It's some good solid visual writing.

That being said: the abusive relationship only works as a misdirection. Once the actual relationship is revealed and the fact that he brought her back to life...the first 2/3rds of your sctipt comes crashing down and hard. It's just not believable beyond that point.. that that was the point where we were really getting into the story. It seems like it was used more as a device rather than a key plot point... and here's the important part: it's the one thing that the story is really about. Everything else is window dressing. At the core of it is a story of a girl who was brought back to life through some arcane means by the man who loved her. None of the rest really matters and everythign comes back to that point.. but their interactions, unless motivated by something else which is not shown... well it make a lie of that revelation and premise.

If you give a true motivation for his violence, let us see true humanity and caring in him, over-protectiveness and some hostility towards Arnaud, then we have reasons for it. But you need to build those relationships. Throw away some of the parts that are just weighty and get to the real meat.

Your writing style is descriptive and effective, and works great for prose, but some of it really could be trimmed down a little. Some obvious indicators are also missing (CAPS on first introductions of important objects, props etc) but those are just technical issues which are hit or miss. (I do a lot of script breakdowns so tend to cuss at writers who don't help me out with this kind of thing :grin:).

All in all, you've told an effective story that just needs to tighten up and concentrate on how to show the central core of the story. It's well written and if it wasn't so production design intensive, I'd be tempted to shoot it myself.

Provided of course that you fix some issues with the story first...

PS: Oh I almost forgot: you need to make more of an issue with the TICK-TOCK.. when she dies... no more tick-tock... everything winds down... it all just stops... That sound is too important to take lightly, and adds to the tension and the drama.

Chris_Keaton
03-18-2010, 10:46 PM
Thanks Rodney,
Yes, I know the violence has to be changed. The first draft was a straight forward bad guy accidentally kills his servant/sex slave and brings her back as a clockwork girl. But I thought that it didn't really feel right, so I changed it to a tragic love story. I wanted to do a romance :evil:, but I left much of the original violence in.

I try not to leave too much prose in unless I'm painting a mood. I'll have to go through it with a razor.

Oh, yeah, you caught the ticking. I thought it would be f-ing awesome to use a noise as the mcguffin. The damn ticking, that just keeps getting more intrusive, until clang she's done.

Thanks again.

Anyone interested in a huge budget terribly difficult to pull off short film I'm their man! :thumbsup:

jasonthewho
03-18-2010, 11:51 PM
Ah, the TICK-TOCK was the MacGuffin, I was going to ask about what your MacGuffin was, but forgot.

Sprocketboy
03-19-2010, 08:02 AM
I was thinking what if Shakespere and Tim Burton had a kid and locked him in a basement.

This is what I immediately thought when I first read it. You succeeded in creating the mood and style through words. The only faux pas is in the first half of the story itself. There is not enough back story to condone the violence that Vilefort is inflicting on the girl. You may rather consider using the violence as Vilefort's way of making her work correctly. Like banging a machine to make it start. Also, her flashbacks could show fragments of her present thoughts flickering when she returns to the moment at hand. Those thoughts could be very derange and cause for her actions. She is really not human. She is more like a Frankenstein Monster.

This definitely falls into the horror-fantasy genre. Its a good one at that.

This could be reasonably done on a tight budget. Set design will be the only challenge in this story. That includes set pieces like the grandfather clock and the mask.

Another good one Chris!

Chris_Keaton
03-19-2010, 08:17 AM
This is what I immediately thought when I first read it. You succeeded in creating the mood and style through words. The only faux pas is in the first half of the story itself. There is not enough back story to condone the violence that Vilefort is inflicting on the girl. You may rather consider using the violence as Vilefort's way of making her work correctly. Like banging a machine to make it start. Also, her flashbacks could show fragments of her present thoughts flickering when she returns to the moment at hand. Those thoughts could be very derange and cause for her actions. She is really not human. She is more like a Frankenstein Monster.

This definitely falls into the horror-fantasy genre. Its a good one at that.

This could be reasonably done on a tight budget. Set design will be the only challenge in this story. That includes set pieces like the grandfather clock and the mask.

Another good one Chris!

Yep, that violence needs some tempering or warping. I want the audience to see it one way the first time they watch it and then see it as it really is the second. I think right now, as Rodney pointed out, it's just a distraction with no real meaning beyond that. Thanks for the review.

KhamIsk
03-19-2010, 01:06 PM
I thought she made couple of attempts to kill him and that was making him angry. he tell her there I revived you and that's what I get?
Kind of implied - she did kill him at the end and she was on a leash because she was violent herself - that's how I read it. Wasn't it what you had in mind at all?

Chris_Keaton
03-19-2010, 01:11 PM
I thought she made couple of attempts to kill him and that was making him angry. he tell her there I revived you and that's what I get?
Kind of implied - she did kill him at the end and she was on a leash because she was violent herself - that's how I read it. Wasn't it what you had in mind at all?

I think it suffered from rewrite lag. She was like Frankenstein and not like her original self, especially since she didn't remember who she was, so the chain was to bind and keep her from causing more harm, but I don't think that was entirely clear. Maybe she could lash out a little more, just a little. But I still think his violence was misread, so that has to be tweaked. A little here and a little there will make it clearer. Thanks

alex whitmer
03-19-2010, 02:04 PM
This is a very cool take on the Frankenstein theme. Very cool indeed.

I think the psychoses behind it are pretty accurate - needing/wanting to posses something so badly, you hurt and even kill it, and not really grasping the consequences.

The bouncing around through flashbacks and nightmares scrambles this a bit much for me. Two reads and I still can't really follow the course of events. I think the nature of this story needs to be more linear - and maybe reveal the motives and what set the tragedy in motion at the end - she kills herself, and for just a moment, the gears go backwards, and we see a tick of one event, then the tock of another, and eventually silence.

Like how people see their lives flash before their eyes when in the face of death.


I just didn't get the bit with Arnaud coming to the door, and when in the course of events it was actually happening.

Arnaud is a variant of Arnold, meaning eagle or Ruler, but that doesn't fit the character's role.


Love all the visuals. I get a brutish fairy tale feel from this. Like, Gappetto meets Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde. If you streamline this, you could develop these personality malfunctions.

Like how we don't really find out Mary is half human, half clock until the end.

A few techie issues that could be cleaned up in a final draft.


As a working document ...

It would not be an easy undertaking to translate this into film. The good part is that 90% of it can take place in one location, albeit an expensive one to design. I suppose a lot of the props could be found in junk shops and dandied up to make it work.

I would certainly lose much of the bouncing around and maybe show Arnaud's desperate search for his true love, and maybe Vilefort's desperate race to find one more gear.

Super cool story idea, just needs some vetting to get the heart of the story focused - Love. Psychoses. Genius gone astray.


a

Chris_Keaton
03-19-2010, 06:46 PM
Thanks, Alex!

MML
03-21-2010, 08:34 AM
For me, the vibe here was like Edgar Allen Poe rewrites Frankenstein directed by Tim Burton. It was very cool.

The story, when broken down is very simple...but with all of the atmosphere you created and the character of Vilefort, really gave it depth.

I loved all the sound effects, A+ on atmosphere. I was a bit confused on Mary's brother though. What was he doing there? If I'm not the only one, maybe that could be clearer and his character defined a bit more. Other than that I followed right along.

Nice work Chris.

Russell Moore
03-22-2010, 03:11 PM
The atmosphere and tone you set are great. I love the overall story, very cool.

I was not as thrown off by vilefort's violence as some others were. I was a bit confused by Arnauds actions, but you've already addressed that.

But even that bit of confusion, did not keep me from enjoying this dark tale.
The metal mask, the stitches, the clock work insides, the TICK - TOCK, black oil tears.
Great stuff.

preston
03-23-2010, 08:07 AM
great title, Chris. i'm looking forward to reading this script.. here goes!

good start, visually descriptive.

ok, a clock-maker's dungeon and chained prisoner - i'm intrigued..

i know you're trying to show us the relationship between MARY and VILEFORT, but so far it's still a bit confusing. (through pg. 4 anyway.. now on to pg. 5)

ok this just interesting / weird. she has clock parts.

good turn of events, but why did ARNAUD hate VILEFORT so much?

overall, good story, writing was good and visual. some action blocks were missing commas that made them a little confusing, but easy fixes.

preston
03-23-2010, 11:41 AM
oh, and unique!

Chris_Keaton
03-23-2010, 12:13 PM
Thanks guys. If only this was set in the wild west. ;)

Bridget D.
03-23-2010, 05:45 PM
Wow - really enjoyed reading this one - definitely an interesting script. I'm okay with the violence Vilefort showed toward Mary - plenty of people are in love/hate relationships. I think his anger would also extend to Arnaurd though. I thought the flashbacks were fine - kept me wanting to find out the whole story. Also liked the misdirection concerning Arnaurd and Mary's relationship. I would have liked the script to end on the scene where Mary kills herself. The constables breaking in with Arnaurd were kind of just extra for me. Definitely a Frankenstein Romeo and Juliet - very cool.

Chris_Keaton
03-23-2010, 05:51 PM
Wow - really enjoyed reading this one - definitely an interesting script. I'm okay with the violence Vilefort showed toward Mary - plenty of people are in love/hate relationships. I think his anger would also extend to Arnaurd though. I thought the flashbacks were fine - kept me wanting to find out the whole story. Also liked the misdirection concerning Arnaurd and Mary's relationship. I would have liked the script to end on the scene where Mary kills herself. The constables breaking in with Arnaurd were kind of just extra for me. Definitely a Frankenstein Romeo and Juliet - very cool.

Thanks. Hmmm, end when the gears finally stop for good. hmmmm

vickyn
03-31-2010, 10:25 PM
I think you're wanting (O.S.) instead of voice overs on the first page. The people are present in the scene, but we just don't see them yet.

Make sure to place commas where they are really needed. For example, on page 2, "

He examines the clock peering wearily at his ragged reflection in the glass face." There should be a comma after 'clock' because without it, it reads like the clock peers wearily. You don't want to pull the reader out of the story for a moment as they try to figure out what you meant.

On page 3, "Vilefort slams his fist down." In action lines, be perfect with grammar. He would slam down his fist if you use the preposition correctly. In dialogue, people usually don't speak properly so don't worry about it there. But in action lines, it's the writer's chance to show how well they master writing overall so take advantage.

When you end a nightmare or flashback, note that to the left instead of the right because it looks off to be in place of a transition. Anything that "looks" off can distract the reader from the story. While many might not be bothered by small things, we have no idea how producers will react to minor things so it's best to try and make everything run smoothly in order to not take any chances.

He/she, him/her. Most writers slip on these from time to time until someone points them out. When using any of these, they need to refer to the last person who spoke, or was named in an action. Otherwise, you could be pointing out the wrong person. On page 4, Vilefort speaks. That is followed by "She stares at him unresponsive." The 'she' here isn't referring to the last person who spoke. Okay, we can sort that out by reading a little further, but the reader shouldn't have to sort out things like this. It should always be clear, part of the writer's job. What if you have two men in a scene and you don't use the he/him's properly? There could be a lot of confusion over whom is supposed to be doing what, so it's a great practice to have to make sure you always use them properly.

It was really cool how Mary is half clock. I think, as it has been pointed out, that things read a bit confusing with the flashbacks and dreams. In a feature script, there's a lot more room to sort these out, but in a short script of 10 or less, we have to be careful that using these tricks don't confuse readers. I'm not sure if you should lose them, or better explain them. But I believe some work should be done there just to help make things clearer.

A very eerie atmosphere with a plot that was different. Good job!

Chris_Keaton
04-07-2010, 08:47 PM
Thanks, vickyn

- I think you're wanting (O.S.) instead of voice overs on the first page. The people are present in the scene, but we just don't see them yet.

:) Nope, because these are actually memories, not the people in the scene. This script is filled with tricksies


- When you end a nightmare or flashback, note that to the left instead of the right because it looks off to be in place of a transition.

I believe starting transitions are on the left and ending transitions are on the right. I could be wrong.

- A very eerie atmosphere with a plot that was different. Good job!

Thanks, that's what I was going for.

Chris_Keaton
04-07-2010, 08:48 PM
Thanks for your feedback everyone! I'll use it to make this even better. Then I'll watch as all the directors laugh at how hard it would be to film. :)

Marlon Ladd
04-09-2010, 02:03 PM
Congrats, Chris! Keep knockin' 'em out the box!

Saharanturtle
05-15-2011, 08:06 PM
Dark, but very interesting story. I could see the scenes in my head, the room, the lighting

Like others said it was kind of confusing at parts but I still really like it. Makes me excited to jump into this world of screen writing