View Full Version : Through Eyes of the Innocent
Following the death of his father, a bitter man revisits some painful memories when he receives a mysterious painting as a gift.
02-13-2010, 03:54 AM
Intriguing poster. Has an authentic 'realities collide' feeling to it. I feel your pain on the logline stinkage. Harder to write those than a dang script.
Looking forward to the read.
02-13-2010, 12:08 PM
Yep...loglines twist my brain into knots. Good poster.
02-20-2010, 01:07 PM
Some writers like to lay down the logline right up front. I just can't do that. Feels like it sets up boundaries - course one can always change it as the story unfolds.
I try to start with a logline but it didn't happen this time. I keep changing my story too. Really glad we have a couple more weeks!
My MacGuffin is the same though. Wow...I've really exposed my MacGuffin in the poster...I've over exposed my MacGuffin!!!! :eek:
02-20-2010, 09:02 PM
Well I'm getting desperate. I wonder if a logline can be the MacGuffin?
I took a peek at your work, Marnie. Really crisp writing. The resident filmmakers on DVX should be hounding you for material. Can't wait to see what you do with this homage to Alfred.
I wish I had more time for Movie Poet as well. Chris runs a top-notch show over there. I believe they are holding a logline competition at the the moment. I know a bad one and a good one when I see them, but I sure can't write 'em.
Reading up on it as we speak.
I can hear the calendar pages turning.
Thanks so much Alex. I really appreciate the compliment. I've been starting to wonder if I was ever going to see something I've written come to life. Hopefully 2010 will break the seal. :)
And MP is such a great place to learn and improve. Plus with a contest every month it really keeps you on your toes.
02-23-2010, 07:04 PM
You got my brain working and that's not easy!!! :)
02-24-2010, 04:41 AM
I love the poster! What did you use to create it?
Thanks Jennifer. I did a little in Photoshop CS2 but most of it in a cheap-o program that I love called Photo Explosion. It takes a while to figure out but I use it to create tons of stuff. :)
I haven't written one line of this story yet. Ugh. Got all involved in a huge business venture and just haven't been able to concentrate. I've finally commited to the basic idea though, so hopefully I'll shake it out of my brain before the 10th!
How's everyone else doing???? Hopefully progressing better than I am. :)
03-05-2010, 10:48 AM
I'm on my second draft and hoping to get feedback to do more rewrites.
This is the first story I've ever submitted to anything without having someone read it first. No feedback. Ugh. I have a bad feeling it'll show. That's what I get for waiting until last night to write it.
03-13-2010, 08:43 PM
Looking forward to this, really enjoyed "Time to Fly."
03-14-2010, 08:29 AM
looking forward to the read. i missed the last script fest... but i will be sure to go back and read your previous script as well. :)
03-15-2010, 09:13 AM
You should have hit me up!!! I owe you a few reads. Anytime. =)
03-16-2010, 08:19 PM
Hi MML, I just read your story.
This was a very well written and well paced script. The characters were well thought out.
I knew a twist was coming and when it did it was welcome. It turned the evil murdering farther into a good father, well done.
The niggle in my head is how Arthur didn't remember something? He was 17 when it happened, drunk or not.
It was funny to read a happy ending, as i didn't expect it with this script. I also thought the painting had some supernatural powers that only kids could see. But it all made sense in the end.
Overall, a very well written and constructed script. Well done.
03-17-2010, 06:42 AM
Great scene with the child and painting. My favorite MacGuffin thus far.
03-17-2010, 04:23 PM
This was a fun mystery! At the end Arthur asks Lila about the well and why, try to be allusive when you can. The page numbers should be in courier. I thought the twist was inventive and I liked the different characters. Especially the art interpreter Penny. Pretty damn good for a last minute story, pretty damn good period. Had a China Town vibe going on. No one read this? You're a pretty damn good editor too! ;)
03-17-2010, 05:32 PM
Alright you know the routine, here's my horribly awful review. If you have a weak continence and are prone to suicidal thoughts please do not read on!!!! You've been warned!
- Oh my God! You put a page number on the first page..oh the humanity.
- You need a little more room before your scene headings to make them stand out. It's an ease of reading thing.
- Arthur's I have to go see my mother, is abrupt, I would say almost OTN.
Man, I really tore this up! I hope you can forgive me. I liked this one. It set a good suspenseful mood in a classic style. I didn't see the twist until moments before the reveal which is what you want. Great Job!
03-17-2010, 06:47 PM
I liked this, but I didn't really get why the dad would take the blame for him and spend the rest of his life in jail when it was an accident. The writing was good though, and I did like it. Great job. :)
03-17-2010, 10:31 PM
Very original story - the picture with double meaning - I love original.
Structured very well and all...but for me originality is always the main thing.
Poor Arthur Sr. - he thought he was doing a good thing by not telling his son the truth but Arthur Jr's life was ruined all the same.
One minor thing - not sure why Arthur Jr was affected this bad - his dad might have had a reason for killing her after all.
03-18-2010, 07:41 PM
I like the variety of characters, from age 7 to 85, and what each brings to the story. Makes for a rich vignette. Your variety in locations - from wide-open pasture to small, gray cells also really adds some nice layers.
Really like the play on 'eyes of the innocent' - the painter and the child. Very well done and ties into your poster seamlessly. The painting does its duty as a MacGuffin setting up the story, then recedes nicely. Well done.
I get that Penny never met Grandpa by this exchange ...
Who’s the old man?
Just someone Daddy used to know.
Like Arthur Jr's arc - from locked away in his office, bitter and isolated, to now in direct connect with his family. You could have gone with a predictable 'forgiveness' cemetery scene here, and showed great restraint by not doing so.
Great return to the porcelain horse, first seen when mom and son's horns first locked, and the 'gift' of truth was about to be revealed. Love those kinds of attention to detail. It's what makes a garden-variety blanket into a quilt.
This I didn't get ...
The empty rental car idles, stopped in the same place but facing the opposite direction.
l am also not sure why Artie Jr. went to the barn drunk and angry, which could be argued is what really set all this in motion in the first place - and certainly calls into question the 'It was an accident' theory.
As a working document ...
Very crisp writing, and certainly a filmable script with roles actors can really explore. Lots of great cinematic moments here as well. I get that you are really seeing this in your mind as if behind a camera with a production schedule in hand - and that is what a script should do, IMHO. It translates to a very visual story already edited and ready to press the DVD!
If you'd like a line-by-line nitpick review (grammar, use of the/a, better choice of words, etc.), it's avail upon request.
03-19-2010, 05:21 PM
i thought i commented on this one but it's not here... sorry about that...
this is a well-written script. i liked the idea of the painting and the storyline was original. good work! :)
03-24-2010, 06:17 AM
Really liked your script.
Nice twist. You've build a decent foundation for the twist. We know there's one coming, but we are unsure which way it goes until it's there.
I would have liked to know why the father gave the painting to his son. Why would the father want the son to know the truth more than to hide the horrible truth and keep his son "innocent"? I would have liked to see a little bit more suspense too because of the genre requirements, but overall a great job!
03-24-2010, 03:25 PM
Very good and well written script. Very good character development. Great MacGuffin. Nice build up to the twist.
Really well done.
I think my family snuck in and voted for me. LOL.
Thanks so much for the reads, critiques and votes all. I'm loving these DVX contests!! This is such a great site. I'm really hoping one of the filmmakers here might want to shoot something of mine. I have yet to have that happen. :)
04-08-2010, 05:20 AM
I think my family snuck in and voted for me. LOL.
Man, I should've thought of that...oh, wait then I would've been knocked out of the top 3, my family doesn't like me :( LOL