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Tom Shortridge
02-10-2010, 07:29 AM
http://www.dvxuser6.com/uploaded/28034/1268537863.jpg

A beautiful stranger. A mysterious parcel. Closing time. Welcome to the night shift.

Tom Shortridge
03-13-2010, 07:38 PM
The idea popped into my head at 8:00am on Saturday, the 13th, while sitting at the DMV.

Well, the basic idea, anyway. Worked through specifics in my head, bouncing ideas off my wife, throughout an otherwise busy day, sat down to write at about 6:00pm without an ending in sight.

Not my usual style.

Uploaded at 10:45ish Saturday night. I actually haven't read it, myself. The wife did, she seemed to like it. We'll see if anyone else does.

jamiejay
03-14-2010, 08:35 AM
my idea popped into my head about the same time... so i totally know how you feel. i wasn't even going to write one this time because of how busy i have been, but i really wanted to enter a script so... we shall see.... at the very least, we will be getting some feedback... and that's a good thing :)

Tom Shortridge
03-14-2010, 09:08 AM
Yeah, initially I had a different idea, but it was a 3-page story at its heftiest, so I needed to find something that fit the criteria of the fest.

Feedback is definitely a good thing, that's pretty much the only reason I pumped it out to get it in the fest.

Tim Joy
03-16-2010, 02:07 PM
Nice job. **Possible Spoilers**


I really liked the pacing of it.
A very good read that kept me turning the page. Very visual without being wordy.
I felt a little cheated for not knowing what went on. I got the gist, just not the details. I guess that's kinda the point.
The only other critique is that I wish Kelly's dialog had a little more meat to it.

This piece would be a cinch to produce. Congrats!

Tom Shortridge
03-16-2010, 04:23 PM
Hey Tim, thanks for the review!

I thought people might feel a little cheated, as you did. I have a basic idea of the backstory that David stumbles into, but I wanted to do a sort of "Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead" treatment of the Hitchcockian/thriller theme. If enough people care enough to know the backstory, I suppose I could post it, but whatever you might imagine will probably be more satisfying ("The Noodle Incident" theory).

And yeah, I definitely need to beef Kelly up. Female dialogue is probably one of the toughest things for me to do as a writer.

Again, thanks for the review!

DarkElastic
03-16-2010, 06:48 PM
Hi Tom, I just read your script.

*Spoilers*

The scene is set well and the story moves on at a good pace. The mystery begins and we're building to something exciting, then we meet the bad guy and the chase begins. It all then seem to flattens out.
Once again the characters of David and Kelly are great, they have a connection, they get mixed up in a deal. Then they get away and laugh... It just seemed a little easy.

I don't think you need the second title of the opening scene, as it is the same scene. And then she leans out of the window to enter his scene, we don't even move into the car.

Roscoe, page 5, should be in capitals as it is his introduction. How do we know he's packing a handgun??? You need to show us this, maybe a bulge in his shirt at the waist?

Overall, not a bad script. I think if you adjust the end quarter of the script to be a little more, it would have more impact and better match the first 3 quarters. Well done.

nitramlehcar
03-17-2010, 05:21 AM
Very enjoyable read. I don't mind being left with questions as that's usually the case when I watch a Hitchcock film. The character of David was very believable to me, and for some reason I was picturing Shia La Beouf the whole time. :grin: Well done.

Anthony Todaro
03-17-2010, 04:49 PM
Check out the active voice. Some grammar and format stuff but no biggie. Remember the best action is concise visuals. IMO addressing the reader takes them out of the story. Your story kicked ass. I liked that her dad was a total ex-CIA espionage deally-bob and we never even knew it. I liked your use of the necklace MacGuffin too. Fun action and I thought she was in on it the whole time, playing the kid, but she wasn't. Ha, you got me. Slick.

Chris_Keaton
03-17-2010, 06:15 PM
Alright you know the routine, here's my horribly awful review. If you have a weak continence and are prone to suicidal thoughts please do not read on!!!! You've been warned!

Pg 1
- Is it me or did 'Fade In' go out of style.
- Put some dashes in your scene headings 'EXT. MALL PARKING STRUCTURE - NIGHT
- Gates, shuttered, hmm, oh the ticket booth things. I don't live in a city so don't mind my ignorance.
- Break your action blocks into individual shots. This give the reader white space and makes the timing of the script easier.
Pg 2
- I would trim his talking to himself to 'idiot', just have him look and realize she was flirting.

A nice suspenseful tale. Love the mcguffin and the arc of the dude. Great Job!

mary.susanna
03-17-2010, 06:36 PM
This was well-written and it kept my attention throughout. It actually felt like a scene from a longer movie. Nice work. :)

KhamIsk
03-17-2010, 11:15 PM
You really build the suspense here, very thrilling. I'm glad they escaped - Yey - good over evil!

She said she lost the necklace, then she says she gave it to her Dad - I thought she was playing David - good twist here.

I think you could expand it, maybe into 25 pages, tell more about the necklace. -Just a suggestion, I think it's great as is too.

seansshack
03-18-2010, 04:20 AM
Think this was too contained by being 10 pages. Needs more room to breathe. If you plan to develop it I would suggest you make it longer as it feels like it needs more, or you had more ideas and were unable to squeeze them in here. Well done.

jamiejay
03-18-2010, 10:54 AM
i could see this on the big-screen. someone else said shia labeouf... i can totally see that... i was confused about the necklace because i thought she had lost it... but i still really liked this. parking garages are always creepy... :)