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arroway
01-07-2010, 09:18 PM
BATHTUB CLONING

http://dvxuser.com/V6/picture.php?albumid=362&pictureid=2256


TAGLINE: An allegorical comedy concerning two best friends, a technological breakthrough, and the sudden obsolescence of man code.

:2vrolijk_08:

DarkElastic
01-08-2010, 04:20 AM
Looking forward to the read, Arroway.

MML
01-11-2010, 06:10 AM
I loved this. Such an original idea and so funny. I was cracking up through the whole thing. Tucker and Brett's dialog was great.

The only thing I wasn't nuts about was the end. Just thought it went a tad too far. IMO it would be funnier if it was just Tucker's Mom. That alone is hysterical. Maybe even have her do some motherly things like she used to do for Tucker but with sex. It just so inapproprite it's funny.

Anyway, I loved it. I'm sure this could be easily filmed with a split screen for the cloned girlbfriend, or if someone could find a pair of identical twins that would be even better. :) GREAT WORK!!!

Gohanto
01-11-2010, 06:11 AM
SPOILERS

Excellent concept. And some very interesting dark-comedy elements as well. The end was ... well it was unique and I didn't see it coming, but it seemed like it was trying to be "light" and "dark" comedy at the same time and I didn't really buy it. With the rage Brett was having, I was expecting him to clone Tucker and then kill the clone in front of Tucker sort of a Pulp Fiction-type tone, but that's a whole other bag of issues and would push it notably darker in tone.

And this may be an odd comment, but I think you concept for cloning was too good. It's simply used it as a device for the comedy aspect, but I really expected and wanted to see Tucker carry in a bucket with a bunch of random homemade kitchen stuff, toss them in the bathtub, and MAKE A CLONE. Granted that sounds more like the start of a longer film, but just as food for thought on the idea.

arroway
01-11-2010, 11:57 AM
I loved this. Such an original idea and so funny. I was cracking up through the whole thing. Tucker and Brett's dialog was great.

Thanks!


The only thing I wasn't nuts about was the end. Just thought it went a tad too far. Hehe, that's definitely not the first time someone said that about my work...


well it was unique and I didn't see it coming, but it seemed like it was trying to be "light" and "dark" comedy at the same time
Interesting. Can you point out the specifics of this light/dark conflict? I definitely threw in a few "Brady Bunch" moments (like the dog barking in reply), which i thought would be somewhat funny given the context of the scene...but maybe not.

Russell Moore
01-11-2010, 02:32 PM
Very clever, very funny. You're writing is always good and this is no exception.

The dialogue was really good and funny. I pretty much laughed throughout.

The ending was a bit over the top, but then again the whole thing is a bit over the top, and it worked for me. I love the dog barking at the end, doing viagra and meth and ultimately that his planned revenge fails.

But I can't unsee the things I've seen. Great script!

DarkElastic
01-11-2010, 02:34 PM
Hi Arroway, Just read your script.

Wow, you really went for the unapropriate comedy, and I laughed (what does that say about me?). The concept is excellent, the main characters are good and kind of remind me of Chuck and Morgan from the show 'Chuck". I did think the ending could have been simpler and really it's endless with what you could have done for his revenge, but I did enjoy what you created. Overall, very funny and very wrong. Congrats.

Chris_Keaton
01-11-2010, 02:51 PM
This was entertaining and fun. I thought for sure he was going to clone and rape his friend. I guess your ending was worse. :)

arroway
01-11-2010, 04:41 PM
This was entertaining and fun. I thought for sure he was going to clone and rape his friend. I guess your ending was worse. :)

LOL, that was the first draft. The friends clone walks in dressed in full BDSM regalia complete with ball gag and leash. Strangely, this newer ending feels a lot sillier and lighter-hearted than the original which seemed to lean too far towards "evil".


I'm a little disappointed (in myself) that no one saw (or at least mentioned) any parallels between Tucker's mindset and a certain, real life, mindset that seems to be steadily brewing in our current tech-savvy culture. Not to sound like some navel-gazing, David Lynch wannabe but this whole thing was basically an attempt at a (slightly exaggerated, i admit) parody of the growing point of view that believes the use of "copies" to be exempt from any moral standard or questioning.

kfer250
01-11-2010, 07:27 PM
arroway -
really awesome idea! this is a very original take on betrayal, and don't worry, the questionable morality of cloning is definitely apparent. i wish the end wasn't so over-the-top, though. i was left thinking, "what the hell just happened" instead of "that was really clever," which is what i thought of it until the end. regardless, it's a cool concept and an interesting read.

Gohanto
01-11-2010, 08:14 PM
Interesting. Can you point out the specifics of this light/dark conflict? I definitely threw in a few "Brady Bunch" moments (like the dog barking in reply), which i thought would be somewhat funny given the context of the scene...but maybe not.

The language and situation (cloning a friend's girlfriend, screwing her, talking about her being a "sexual ninja") read as very dark comedy to me.

But then the "I cloned your whole family" and the dog barking, ect... is much lighter imho.

I agree you put in some Brady Bunch moments in there, but the Brady Bunch didn't [beep] each other and yell [beep] all the time. It's just not consistent enough for me.

REHov520
01-11-2010, 09:09 PM
SPOILERS

i liked this. i thought the premise and set up were great and had a lot of potential. i didn't like the ending so much, not because necessarily "went too far," but just because it didn't really have anything except shock value, like what is the grossest most heinous thing i could possibly have him do?

i think that given the cleverness of the setup you probably could have come up with an even cleverer way for him to get his revenge other than boning his whole family. i really did like the premise and the notion of having sex with a best friends clone is really an interesting dilemma.

Michael Anthony Horrigan
01-11-2010, 09:21 PM
POSSIBLE SPOILERS



I really think this opened up quite strong but then it ran out of steam just a bit. Tough to keep the pace you were moving at though.
The ending just seemed a bit over the top. I know that's where you were heading but it just didn't leave me with the impact that it started with.

Very well written and precise. I enjoyed the characters quite a bit and was engaged throughout.

Good luck in the fest.

MAH

Charli
01-12-2010, 10:45 AM
I enjoyed the characters, I didn't understand why the girl friend wasn't upset unless she was into
the guy's best friend to begin with. Normally that would have set her off, not having the clone
be her new bbf.

The ending sort of crossed the line of comedy to uh, ew. I still would have liked to have understood
the whole 'bathtub' cloning thing. Nice idea for story.

Ben Sliker
01-12-2010, 12:25 PM
lol. there's some really funny stuff in here. I'd tone down the f-bombs a bit tho.

I wanted some more (or less, depending on how you look at it) payoff at the end. You twisted it back on Brett again, which seemed to diffuse any comedy from what he just did to Tucker. Oh course, you can never get enough mileage out of a 'I had sex with your mother' joke.

There's a bunch of places you could go with that. 'Guess what, you're getting a brother' or 'Just call me dad.' lol... they are endless.

Anthony Todaro
01-13-2010, 05:09 PM
Best title of the fest. A great idea too. Funny as hell and I just loveed your dialogue. -- "It got a lot easier once there was nothing left to throw up..." I almost did a spit take when I read that. Can't go wrong with bestiality and vicodin references. I also thought Brett's troglodyte attitude toward embracing new technology was a nice touch. Excellent work.

Mailliw87
01-16-2010, 07:59 AM
Great idea with the bathtub cloning.
Funny dialogue, especially the double of loved the lines "What. The. fack?" and
"Isn't it awesome?".

I loved the script up until the point when Brett was supposed to take his revenge. And it felt a bit much with him having sex with the whole family, just like that. The last 2 pages didn't really work as good as the rest of it.

Otherwise nice work, nice writing and dialogue.

Captain Pierce
01-17-2010, 06:16 PM
The title reminded me of that South Park episode where Cartman cloned a Shakey's Pizza. :D

For me, the Bullwinkle thing is probably going too far. :) I was actually waiting for a clone of Tucker to walk in right at the end and finally get the reaction that Brett was looking for.

Great dialogue, and a fun read.

arroway
01-19-2010, 03:35 AM
arroway -
really awesome idea! this is a very original take on betrayal, and don't worry, the questionable morality of cloning is definitely apparent.

The questionable morality of piracy is actually what I was commenting on...

But no one picked up on that.

:crybaby:

kennethhurd
01-20-2010, 01:00 PM
This was great! Your characters were lively and the plot was very unique. Good job.

Tim Joy
01-21-2010, 01:59 PM
Great laughs on this one. First script I read and very much enjoyed it. "Dude-Code" HA HA.

The only thing that took me out was when the scene came with the family, I thought it needed something to establish that this was days later.

arroway
01-21-2010, 02:23 PM
Thanks for the read!

And you're right, I probably do need a "One Week Later" superimposed there somewhere.

MrKilloran
01-24-2010, 11:08 AM
Saved yours for last.

Very clever and I had a lot of fun with it. The dialogue seems natural, witty, at times a bit too many swears but I know some people who talk like that so it's fine.

It started out strong. The whole situation between Brett, Tucker and the Two Abbies I found really funny and each character played off really well.

The concept of cloning was pretty great, wish we could have seen a scene of Brett with household chemicals staring at the bathtub. Preparing to clone, before we see the family.

The end isn't over the top it just doesn't seem as funny as the beginning, it loses some steam. The dog is great though and maybe he should have cloned Tucker too while he was at it. Still some of the lines are still great to read:

Brett "But I can't unsee the things I've seen --"

Haha, I'm always a fan of your style. Keep up the good work.

Sarah Daly
01-25-2010, 12:15 PM
Ah now this is good fun!! Delightfully brash and deliciously vulgar - had a good giggle at the end and must say I was surprised at how far you went with the smut - loved it though. Pinneaple Express sort of vibe but more surreal - a good fun romp.

lawriejaffa
01-26-2010, 08:59 AM
Its a painful and glacier like pace with which im getting through these scripts!

Arroway I found your script to be quite hilarious - i mean theres no doubting this story isn't aspiring to Teolstoy, its a fairly juvenile frat style comedy - but indeed that has its place too!

It certainly had me chuckling - the insane venom with which our main characters gets infuriated and the horrifying (yet hilarious) lengths he goes to had me in giggles hehe.

It's not particularly ambitious but its an effectively enjoyable romp with some great gags imo! Well done mate :)

arroway
01-26-2010, 09:19 PM
It's not particularly ambitious but its an effectively enjoyable romp with some great gags imo! Well done mate Glad you enjoyed it.

As for ambition, I would argue that trying to write something that is conceptually fresh, entertaining, AND easily filmmable is MORE ambitious than giving yourself no limitations and writing something cost prohibitive...

lawriejaffa
01-27-2010, 02:01 AM
I meant it wasnt intellectually ambitious (its not trying to be either) - ie. mostly toilet humour- but funny toilet humour at that which i found entertaining nonetheless, but not something I feel stretches your 'particular' talent. It's not a blatant criticism i don't think, and as for the example of ambition you describe, well i couldnt agree more.