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MrKilloran
01-07-2010, 02:09 AM
THINK HAPPY THOUGHTS
Believe in US



In the future, even your thoughts can betray you.
Jeffery Pearson will need some readjustments.



Still finishing work on another script but then this idea popped in and I just wrote it, had to get it out of my head... we'll see how that goes for me.

Mailliw87
01-07-2010, 03:45 AM
Interesting logline.

Welcome aboard :)

DarkElastic
01-07-2010, 04:17 AM
Looking forward to the read, Mr Kill.

Chris_Keaton
01-07-2010, 04:18 AM
Sounds creepy. I was thinking of a similar idea where you can be convicted of just thinking about something 'forbidden'. I can't wait to read it.

MrKilloran
01-10-2010, 09:13 PM
Sounds creepy. I was thinking of a similar idea where you can be convicted of just thinking about something 'forbidden'. I can't wait to read it.

Then I hope you like it and look forward to the input you have to give, I feel it's sort of an infantile script at the moment and could really benefit from some feedback.

Chris_Keaton
01-10-2010, 09:37 PM
Ask and ye shall receive. Remember you asked for it.

For the bad stuff first. Really, I just have some nitpicky stuff. You have spelling and grammar errors that should be taken care of in a second draft. The continueds, even for scenes aren't needed anymore, without a scene heading we can tell the scene continues. Oh, and there is a double period in the first action block of the second scene on page 2. :)

Overall not bad. You have some flower in your action blocks, but not so much that it was distracting to me. The story on the other hand isn't deep enough. It's the same 1984 vision we've seen a hundred times. Sure it's still chilling, but it's been done. Add some flavor to it by twisting it to some degree. I hope this helps.

MrKilloran
01-10-2010, 10:50 PM
Ask and ye shall receive.

Receive I did. :)

I really appreciate the input. I agree it's a retread and I wish I had more time to put into it. I need to dig a little deeper and see where the story will take me, it's still mailable. You've certainly been helpful.

Russell Moore
01-12-2010, 07:36 AM
I like the overall tone you set. Cold and sterile.

Sure, we've seen similar stories, reminded me a bit of Clockwork Orange, but then again, just about everything's been done to some degree.

Minus the few grammatical errors, I thought this was written very well. Descriptive action blocks, I could visualize the story, it flowed well for me.

As far as the story, I just didn't care enough or know enough about Jeff to make a real emotional connection with him. I still don't want to see him suffer, but I think the impact would have been greater if I would've known him better.

I liked the atmosphere and the visuals. Well done.

Charli
01-12-2010, 10:38 AM
I had a difficult time connecting with the story. I didn't really know the main character or really
got into his plight. The dialogue needs to be a bit more fluid. Good luck.

Michael Anthony Horrigan
01-12-2010, 11:38 AM
Yes, this seemed a tad familiar for me as well but you still made it work.
You created a very cold and calculated world. I did need a bit more to actually feel for the protagonist though.

The title also suits the piece very well. Nice one.

MAH

Anthony Todaro
01-13-2010, 07:45 PM
I am a total Orwell nut-job, so auto-points for the homage.

Keaton did the dirty work, but he's right that stuff is absolutely key. Especially outside of the forums.
Did Jeff betray himself? I was trying to find it and then that popped into my head, not sure though?

Some good visuals, you sold me on the world.

Luke... Ahhh He was my fave. A little taste of Mengele with a twist of Mr. Joshua (Busey in LW).
I love sociopaths. << T-shirt!

I can still here that annoying Female Voice, "Tax season is fun, tax season is fun, the IRS loves you..."
Liked the bookends, style return to the party idea... Vote for change... Vote for change...

Fun read, good job!

DarkElastic
01-15-2010, 12:07 PM
Hi MrKilloran, just read your script.

I think most has been touched on. A few more drafts would do this one wonders, to get rid of the gramatical niggles and dodgy dialogue dotted about. You sold me on the world and the propaganda. You would need a few more pages to get us to care more about Jeff though. Visually, I would love to see his head balloon and explode!!!

I am still a little unsure of the betrayal? Did he betray the Party? Did he betray himself?

Overall, I enjoyed the read. Well done.

MML
01-15-2010, 09:00 PM
Very imaginative. Cool atmosphere. The end totally reminded me of A Clockwork Orange.

I like that this was a different kind of betrayal. Instead of against a person it was against the Party.

Great idea and really nice writing.

Captain Pierce
01-17-2010, 05:14 PM
Your opening line led me to think that Jeff was not alone in this plain white room, that it was some sort of common area at the readjustment center with other people around. It took me a couple of read-throughs to realize my mistake. Also, I don't know if this was intentional, but the description of a "plain white room" led me to think something very clean and sterile, which is an odd juxtaposition with the decaying hallway with the foul liquid that requires the SWAT team to wear hazmat suits.

I don't really get Luke's record player and how its music caused Jeff's mind to wander. Subliminal messages? For that matter, how would somebody watching the film of this know that Jeff's mind was wandering, or that the music was causing it?

Still, you've created an interesting world, and you've got a good start on this story; I can definitely see this going someplace awesome.

kfer250
01-18-2010, 02:13 PM
hey MrKilloran,
cool idea. very different from the other scripts. you did a great job illustrating Jeff's world, i just wish i could have connected more with the characters. i think i really would have gotten into this one if you had given me the chance to get to know Jeff. good work, hope you take it further!

kennethhurd
01-20-2010, 12:40 PM
This was an entertaining read. It kind of reminded me of A Clockwork Orange. I found myself really interested in what the story was after the script has ended. Would you focus on Jeff or would you focus on the Readjustment Center? I really liked the idea of people being arrested just for thinking something bad. That's a pretty horrifying concept that could lead to some really creepy visuals. I wouldn't have mind seeing a closing shot of Jeff going back into society with others who no longer have freedom of thought. Overall, I enjoyed this script.

MrKilloran
01-21-2010, 12:15 AM
I really liked the idea of people being arrested just for thinking something bad. That's a pretty horrifying concept that could lead to some really creepy visuals. I wouldn't have mind seeing a closing shot of Jeff going back into society with others who no longer have freedom of thought.


Thanks, I thought it was kind of terrifying too. I had an idea for an opening shot of groups of people - some with the "device" and others without and then one's head just explodes but the rest of the people just continue on, ignoring the carnage, out of fear.

MrKilloran
01-21-2010, 12:16 AM
The title also suits the piece very well. Nice one.

Thanks, I thought I was pretty clever lol :grin:

MrKilloran
01-21-2010, 12:16 AM
As far as the story, I just didn't care enough or know enough about Jeff to make a real emotional connection with him. I still don't want to see him suffer, but I think the impact would have been greater if I would've known him better.


I didn't really know the main character or really got into his plight.


I did need a bit more to actually feel for the protagonist though.


hey MrKilloran,
i think i really would have gotten into this one if you had given me the chance to get to know Jeff.

I apologize for the rush job. My thought's were concerned with the world, the idea of "thought crime," setting up the atmosphere before the character. I know my protagonist is kind of weak at the moment, he's just a generic guy who I threw in there. He's just a guy who thought the wrong thing. I absolutely understand that I need to elaborate on those details though so you, the reader know these things and can invest in Jeff's plight.

MrKilloran
01-21-2010, 12:17 AM
Did Jeff betray himself? I was trying to find it and then that popped into my head, not sure though?


I am still a little unsure of the betrayal? Did he betray the Party? Did he betray himself?

Yes, in this future those in charge are able to monitor your very thoughts and Jeff basically thinks the wrong thing raising a red flag and causing his arrest.

It could also be said that he betrays the party through his thoughts.

MrKilloran
01-21-2010, 12:18 AM
I don't know if this was intentional, but the description of a "plain white room" led me to think something very clean and sterile, which is an odd juxtaposition with the decaying hallway with the foul liquid that requires the SWAT team to wear hazmat suits.

Completely intentional.


I don't really get Luke's record player and how its music caused Jeff's mind to wander.

Yeah, this was an idea that sounded cool but practically doesn't make much sense. The music I saw as an tool to allow for creative, imaginative thinking, something the party frowns upon.

At the same time Luke merely using the music and proclaiming is "love" for it, shows the perks of being higher up in the party. Back to the drawing board to figure out how to make it work or improve on it.

kennethhurd
01-21-2010, 04:06 AM
Thanks, I thought it was kind of terrifying too. I had an idea for an opening shot of groups of people - some with the "device" and others without and then one's head just explodes but the rest of the people just continue on, ignoring the carnage, out of fear.

I think that would be an excellent way to open the script. There's definitely a lot that you can do with this concept.