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Captain Pierce
01-06-2010, 01:36 PM
It finally came together at the last minute, and literally only a word or two away from seven pages. :D And I'm not at all happy with the title, but then again, I never am, because I basically suck at titles...

You can read it at: http://www.dvxfest.com/scriptfestVI/index.php?id=3800670

thartley
01-11-2010, 05:20 AM
I've read through a handful this morning, in no particular order in the viewing list. So far, this is the one that has stuck out in my head. Easy to read and follow, easy to visualize. Authentic, believable characters and feelings. I have some notes on other things, but have to save for later.

Good job!

MML
01-11-2010, 07:06 AM
I thought this was a very clever idea. Like a self fullfilling prophecy, which jealousy can often lead up to.

I was confused for a moment by the last scene though. At first I thought, Oh...Larry was right. She was cheating on him with this man and now she's moving in with him. It didn't click right away that she didn't know him...but soon would. Maybe if there was just one more detail to clue us in that they're meeting for the first time.

Nice work on this. Great idea.

Michael Anthony Horrigan
01-11-2010, 07:25 AM
POSSIBLE SPOILERS



You really nailed the 'jealous guy'. I bought into his character right away due to all your great descriptions. Especially his inner feelings.
The future aspect caught me a little off guard. I wasn't expecting it and I was surprised by how easily he went with it.

In the end I road along with it and was quite pleased with the ending. Very nice touch.
Jealous people really will go as far as their mind will take them.

Nice work.

MAH

Captain Pierce
01-11-2010, 07:48 AM
Thanks, all.

MML - I can see what you mean about it needing to be clearer that this is their first meeting. I think I took too much for granted there.

MAH - yeah, he does go along with the whole crazy concept pretty easily, doesn't he? :)

Michael Anthony Horrigan
01-11-2010, 07:52 AM
MAH - yeah, he does go along with the whole crazy concept pretty easily, doesn't he? :)Exactly. I stumbled at first but got that in the end.

krestofre
01-11-2010, 08:57 AM
***Spoilers***

I liked the hubris angle. In a way he causes what he fears the most.

I have two comments to maybe improve the script.

1. I think the dialog needs a little work. I think this could really benefit from reading it out loud to yourself. That would help smooth out some of the stiffness in the words. Specifically people don't use each others' names that often in conversation. I'm thinking about the office scene with Larry and the co-worker.

2. The sci-fi aspect of the script struck me as odd. I understand it for the plot, and I understand Larry being so willing to use it, but I'm struggling that a co-worker would just happen to know a guy that invented a machine to look into the future. On the flip side of that coin, I have no suggestions for how to smooth that out.

I enjoyed it. Thanks for entering.

DarkElastic
01-11-2010, 09:53 AM
Hi El Capitan,

I just read your script. Jealous guy character was very believable. The whole situation was very well constructed. The sci-fi aspect came out of nowhere, but gave it something different. The ending was great - as he created that future because of his jealousy. I do think you need to work on the dialogue. It did jar here and there and just needs more time - read it to yourself loud, that always helps me... Even though I won't say mine is the best!!!

Captain Pierce
01-11-2010, 10:28 AM
I struggled with how a technology like this would be marketed. The original idea I had was that Larry saw an ad on TV, but the more I thought about it, the more I felt that it would stay underground, spread by word of mouth between the old rich guys that Martin mentions. So, Larry either then had to stumble across it somehow or have an inside track, and the inside track was the easier to pull off in six pages. :) (Even the way it is, I simultaneously feel that whole office scene is too long and yet that it doesn't really do enough. :D )

And until you two showed up, I was pretty happy with the dialogue. :( I will definitely go back and take another look at it, though.

DarkElastic
01-11-2010, 10:37 AM
Always the way.

Russell Moore
01-11-2010, 01:53 PM
Good story, flowed well, easy read.

Great job developing the characters, most notably Larry.

The sci fi angle did seem to come out of nowhere, but the story flowed well enough that I just went with it.
Maybe it could be a little less unexpected, if the video game he is playing is 3D or a hologram or he's wearing some weird goggles, that kind of sets up the advanced technology angle and/or the company he works for just has a advanced title "Blah Blah advance technologies" seen on letterhead....this would also help with the reason he gets introduced to the device, as it's being developed by the company he works for and Maritin went to college with one of the developers. I'm just spitballing now.

As soon as I heard that the device recorded future events, I thought uh oh, this can't turn out good. I really like that he brought his own worst fears on himself.

The end set up nicely for me, it clear for me. IMO, I don't think it needs to be clarified anymore than it is.

Good script, good characters, good ending, Really enjoyed it.

Charli
01-11-2010, 06:23 PM
The jealously felt real, so kudos on that. The sci-fi thing I also think came out of
nowhere. Usually when there's that much jealous, there is a betrayal, so no
surprises there. I would have liked to seen more interesting dialogue between
the two men.

Mailliw87
01-12-2010, 03:37 AM
interesting writing style, almost a bit prose-like here and there.

oh gosh! this ending is genious. it reminds me of the barton fink ending!!

I totally missed the sci-fi aspect, I must've skipped a scene. But in my opinion, you don't need the sci-fi aspect. Why not just have this tape mailed to him or something else? Something not sci-fi but still mysterious.

love it...the ending really did it for me, maybe even more so because I missed the sci-fi aspect :D

to me it was, since I missed the sci-fi: "Wait, where did he get that video tape?" Then my imagination did the rest, he got it from somewhere, a package or found it randomly. Then ending blew me away :)

Captain Pierce
01-12-2010, 05:24 AM
Conlon - him working for the company that's developing the technology never occurred to me. It's about equal on the coincidence scale, but might have been an easier way to work it in. :)

Charli - thanks for the comments.

William (I'm not going to type it backwards :) ) - Regardless of how he gets the recording, it's still science-fictional, but I see what you're saying; lose all the explanation and just get him the recording. I think that goes a little too mysterious, though, prompting too many questions like the obvious "who in the hell sent it?" :D Also, if it just comes in the mail, why would he even play it; and if he did, why would he believe it?

Again, thanks to all for the comments. I'm getting some interesting ideas on where to go with an expanded version of this.

Mailliw87
01-12-2010, 05:57 AM
William (I'm not going to type it backwards :) ) - Regardless of how he gets the recording, it's still science-fictional, but I see what you're saying; lose all the explanation and just get him the recording. I think that goes a little too mysterious, though, prompting too many questions like the obvious "who in the hell sent it?" :D Also, if it just comes in the mail, why would he even play it; and if he did, why would he believe it?

Again, thanks to all for the comments. I'm getting some interesting ideas on where to go with an expanded version of this.

hmm. Maybe he just can't help himself to open it. And maybe he believes it or not but it still ticks off the woman (forgot name :p), so she leaves and voila.

I don't know..I like the mysterious. Have you seen The Coen brothers "Barton Fink"? There's no explanation to that end at all. Throughout the movie the main character is seen a lot around a painting in his room and the end scene looks just like that painting: A beach, and a woman sitting watching the waves. - It's like he's inside the painting himself :D

Anyhow, I'll be interested to read the second draft should you post it here :) And thanks for not typing my name backwards :p

Captain Pierce
01-12-2010, 06:49 AM
This will probably get me banned from the board, but I don't think I've ever seen anything by the Coen Brothers.

/ducks

DarkElastic
01-12-2010, 06:52 AM
Quack.

Ben Sliker
01-12-2010, 10:47 AM
Capt.

Even though the sci-fi element came out of nowhere, I took it at face value and moved on, didn't bother me much. This script was very easy to read and enjoyable.

Look at condensing some of your dialogue, i felt some of your lines could have been said in 3 sentences instead of 5, etc. It makes my brain hurt thinking about modifying future timelines, 'would she have done it if he didn't have the video', etc. So here's a thought for the end. She IS cheating and she sets her husband up, the whole sci-fi element is a hoax and his friend at work is in on it. just food for thought.

-ben

Captain Pierce
01-12-2010, 11:13 AM
It's funny how many different ideas there are for directions to go with this, and they're all good. :) Thanks for the comments, Ben.

Anthony Todaro
01-12-2010, 06:00 PM
Delicious ending, I didn't expect it.

Some of the action left me wondering. For instance, "It goes badly for him" - How do we know it goes badly before he slams the controls? -- "It's totally is a big deal" - How do we know that, what is he doing to show that?

I really enjoyed Larry and Sharon's banter, it felt real.

The dialogue at times seemed a tad, expository.
"I bumped the table and your watch fell off."
"Looks like it's broken."

This took me out of the story for some reason. It felt like that could have been done with action, visually, leaving the dialogue more subtle. Larry didn't seem the type to just explain a broken watch that way, even if it was a setup.

However, I didn't mind the retelling of the xmas party, because of Martin's personality, it worked.

The future telling device was indeed a deus ex machina. I only say that because, in the world you created for them, we have no reason to believe such a far jump from reality. Potentially, foreshadowing it with; a flying car zooming by, or some other refrence to a more advanced culture then our current one might do the trick.

That's not to say the idea of a future telling machine is not brilliant. It is.

I did taste a bit of "Flashforward" in there. I kept thinking about the Doctor Lady and the Autistic Kids Dad's flash forward. They are cheating in the future, causing the Doctor Lady and her Husbands marriage in the present, to slowly be destroyed.

I think the plant of the "MAN" and the build to the payoff of it being "him" at the end is the strongest quality here.

Good work!

Now where do I pick up one of those life-destroying future recording machines!!! lol =)

Captain Pierce
01-13-2010, 05:19 AM
"Delicious" must be high praise coming from someone with a fork as their avatar... :D Thanks for the comments.

The way I tend to write (and I'm sure this is not recommended :) ), when I say "It's totally a big deal" after Larry says "It's no big deal," it's meant to give the actor and director a clue as to what the character is feeling without taking a lot of time (and page space :) ) in spelling out a specific reaction. Describing his video game experience earlier as "going badly" is much the same; I suppose I could have just put "he gets increasingly frustrated with the game, finally throwing the controller down" or something like that, but... well, I didn't. :)

A couple of people have now commented on the presence of the "time Tivo" in an otherwise contemporary world. I actually considered throwing in something to suggest it was "the not-too-distant future," but ultimately decided against it. I didn't want to go "Minority Report" with it to help keep it more easily producible, and I had originally been hoping to ease Larry a little more into the concept. :)

kennethhurd
01-13-2010, 07:32 AM
This was a very fun read. I enjoyed the characters and each one really had a personality of their own. I was kind of expecting to see Martin on the tape in the end. I thought it would be interesting that if Larry's jealousy pushed Sharon towards Martin, since Martin was trying to help Larry. However, it works the way you have it.

The only thing I would recommend for improvement would be some of your action descriptions. They tell me what Larry is thinking, instead of what we should be seeing. When filmed, this would be impossible to tell without the use of a voice over. Action like "It's a huge problem..." could be reworded to show us Larry's reaction.

That said, this was a fun read and a really good script. Good job!

Anthony Todaro
01-13-2010, 03:03 PM
"Delicious" must be high praise coming from someone with a fork as their avatar... :D Thanks for the comments.

The way I tend to write (and I'm sure this is not recommended :) ), when I say "It's totally a big deal" after Larry says "It's no big deal," it's meant to give the actor and director a clue as to what the character is feeling without taking a lot of time (and page space :) ) in spelling out a specific reaction. Describing his video game experience earlier as "going badly" is much the same; I suppose I could have just put "he gets increasingly frustrated with the game, finally throwing the controller down" or something like that, but... well, I didn't. :)

A couple of people have now commented on the presence of the "time Tivo" in an otherwise contemporary world. I actually considered throwing in something to suggest it was "the not-too-distant future," but ultimately decided against it. I didn't want to go "Minority Report" with it to help keep it more easily producible, and I had originally been hoping to ease Larry a little more into the concept. :)

DANG IT!!! Everything you just wrote... makes total sense. Even my critique! :badputer: =)

MrKilloran
01-13-2010, 06:33 PM
Enjoyable, easy to get through, visually I got the picture.

Some clunky dialogue here or there but not a major hindrance.

I enjoyed the idea of the "time Tivo," this sort of dues ex machina situation that creates a self-destructive future by the mere fact that Larry uses the service. It doesn't need to be extremely explained, it doesn't need a near-future setting. It's an interesting concept that is strange and yet works for your story. Kudos on the sci-fi element.

RodThompson
01-13-2010, 07:36 PM
I enjoyed the sci-fi aspect, as relationships (cheating) has already been in 70% of the shorts I've read. Agree with some of the dialogue being a bit forced, but for the most part...I DUG IT! :D

Sarah Daly
01-17-2010, 12:07 PM
I like the concept here - you're trying to say something and you get that across well. The man actually destroys his relationship through his suspicion and jealousy - a common theme but you do it in a very clever way.

The only thing I would say is to foreshadow the sci-fi element a bit better, or bring it in a bit sooner - the pace gets a little messed up at the end, but I suspect this would work better as a slightly longer piece. Still, in the timeframe, it does work, and I enjoyed it!

Captain Pierce
01-17-2010, 07:13 PM
kenneth - As I said to Anthony in the post just above yours, when I write something like "It's a huge problem," my intention is actually to show what the character is thinking and then let the (highly theoretical :D ) actor and director come up with the actual reaction. I'm sure you won't find it in any scriptwriting books, but I like it, particularly in the situations I used it in this script, when I can have the character say one thing and suggest to the actor that the character is thinking the exact opposite.

MrK - glad to hear that you liked the sci-fi element the way it was. :)

Rod - you mean other scripts had cheating? In BetrayalFest? Dammit, I thought I was totally original with that. :D Seriously, though, glad you liked the sci-fi as well.

Sarah - yeah, if I rewrite this, it's going to wind up anywhere between slightly longer and a hell of a lot longer. :) I'm not entirely happy with it at this length, but it's nice to hear that you think it works.

Thanks again to all for reading and commenting.

arroway
01-18-2010, 04:35 PM
Larry reaches for casual, but doesn't quite get there.Nice detail.


SHARON
Nope, just having a good time. Sorry
to take longer than you expected.Nice passive aggressive jab.


MARTIN
He's found a way to record the future.
It's like the freakiest Tivo you've
ever seen.Whoa, two thirds of the way through the script is way too late to introduce a fantastical element like this IMO...had it been telegraphed/mentioned/or brought up in the first few pages it would be a lot more believable and organic. As it stands now, it just broadsides you out of nowhere in what you thought was a dramatic story rooted firmly in reality. The "world" and a good portion of its requisite "rules" should be established early or you run the risk of later "amendments" coming across as a deus ex machinas.

Rearrange the inciting incident to be earlier and this would be a nice, simple, Twilight Zone-esque yarn.