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Anthony Todaro
01-05-2010, 01:58 PM
WASTE NOT
An experiment in desperation.

A group of snowed in mountain-climbers are forced to survive however they can, or are they?

NEWS: The rewrite is now available, anyone willing or interested in rereading/critiquing will get the returned favor or eternal thanks!
Here it is: Waste Not (http://todarocreative.com/WASTE_NOT.pdf)"]Waste Not[/URL] - Thanks in advance! I owe the rewrite to you all.

3 - Actors
1- Exterior
2- Interiors

This will play well visually on screen. No effects, just straight-up good acting.
Will need one solid male lead. Think, young Martin Sheen in the opening hotel scene of Apocolypse Now.

STATUS: Available

kennethhurd
01-05-2010, 02:14 PM
Welcome. Good luck!

DarkElastic
01-05-2010, 02:22 PM
Looking forward to the read, Anthony. This fest will be nothing but a great help for you and future scripts.

Anthony Todaro
01-05-2010, 08:35 PM
Thanks all. I was expecting to get turned upside down and thrown in a trash can...
Oh wait, that's on the results day!

Thanks again for the support. This site is really invaluable, glad to be here.

waieez
01-05-2010, 11:51 PM
My guess/take:

Three test subjects in a snowstorm simulator (or not).

At least one knows it's a simulation.
(OR at least one thinks it's a simulation)

When cannibalism is proposed
Observer Effect kicks in.

Lawls.

"You're not really going to eat me, are you?"

Hugh! (collegehumor logo).

I like it.

Anthony Todaro
01-06-2010, 03:06 PM
My guess/take:

Three test subjects in a snowstorm simulator (or not).

At least one knows it's a simulation.
(OR at least one thinks it's a simulation)

When cannibalism is proposed
Observer Effect kicks in.

Lawls.

"You're not really going to eat me, are you?"

Hugh! (collegehumor logo).

I like it.



Okay, i'm stealing that, that is way better then my cruddy script.... Or is it? Muuuuuaaahhhhhhhh!!!!

No really, i'm stealling that. =)

Michael Anthony Horrigan
01-11-2010, 11:34 AM
I thought this was pretty interesting even if it was a little 'out there'. :)

It's hard to connect with characters when there is such little background information but that's hard to accomplish in six pages. You did make me feel very cold and I could see it playing out clearly in my mind. Scary situation.

Cheers,

MAH

Anthony Todaro
01-11-2010, 11:57 AM
Thanks mate, great feedback!
I just downloaded all. So expect some feed back soon! =)

Captain Pierce
01-11-2010, 12:03 PM
Okay, so this is me overthinking, but why did he bring the gun with only three rounds? :) I mean, your average revolver holds six (or five if a little snub-nose .38), so why not fill 'er up? I'm also a little confused as to the sequence of events. Blake finds his last round in the envelope with a message scratched in blood, suggesting that his ex did this somehow after he shot her, as she was dying; but then later it's said that she did it before all that, so why write the message in blood, and why would she even have taken the cartridge apart?

That aside, you do a good job of setting the mood and revealing the full situation slowly as you go along. It's going to be pretty common, I think, for readers of this to immediately think about the book/movie "Alive" when Blake starts eating his ex (I know I did), but to find out later that he's the one that killed them because she was cheating on him with the other corpse adds another level and distinguishes your scenario from that.

But I think the twist at the end actually works against the mood by pulling us out of the sitatuation you've created into (IMO, anyway) a fairly typical "alien observer" cliche. I think it would be stronger just showing Blake curled up with the empty gun in his mouth and then fading out on the shot of the tent in the snow. (Although I really have no leg to stand on with regards to sci-fi twists coming out of the blue in this Fest. :D )

Charli
01-11-2010, 06:26 PM
The alien angle was different, but without enough interaction with characters in
dialogue, it was difficult to read. Still, good job in trying out a 'twist' ending.

Russell Moore
01-12-2010, 08:01 AM
The writing is well done, its descriptive and I really felt like I was there in that tent. Unsettling claustrophobic feeling of being trapped in the tent, well done.

Blake's dialogue is good except the "You're my girlfriend" this is too on the nose and it's not needed. You give us enough clues in the following dialogue to figure it out.

Next, I refer back to Captain Pierce's post, it'll save me a lot of typing. I basically agree with all of his comments about the story. The bullets, message, the empty shell casing etc.

I would've preferred this to just be a story of a guy in a tent without the alien angle. But I can see some merit to that twist and it could help explain somethings. Say, the aliens could've disassembled the bullet to see how Blake would react.

A well written story and you did keep my interest, I was interested to see what was going to happen to Blake. Nice visuals, really some good things going on in this script.

Anthony Todaro
01-12-2010, 04:31 PM
Okay, so this is me overthinking, but why did he bring the gun with only three rounds? :) I mean, your average revolver holds six (or five if a little snub-nose .38), so why not fill 'er up? I'm also a little confused as to the sequence of events. Blake finds his last round in the envelope with a message scratched in blood, suggesting that his ex did this somehow after he shot her, as she was dying; but then later it's said that she did it before all that, so why write the message in blood, and why would she even have taken the cartridge apart?

That aside, you do a good job of setting the mood and revealing the full situation slowly as you go along. It's going to be pretty common, I think, for readers of this to immediately think about the book/movie "Alive" when Blake starts eating his ex (I know I did), but to find out later that he's the one that killed them because she was cheating on him with the other corpse adds another level and distinguishes your scenario from that.

But I think the twist at the end actually works against the mood by pulling us out of the sitatuation you've created into (IMO, anyway) a fairly typical "alien observer" cliche. I think it would be stronger just showing Blake curled up with the empty gun in his mouth and then fading out on the shot of the tent in the snow. (Although I really have no leg to stand on with regards to sci-fi twists coming out of the blue in this Fest. :D )

Thanks!

I heard about this "crew" of climbers who each used to carry a "darrenger" type single shot, micro-pistol and one bullet, in case they needed to commit suicide. I kinda left that out.... Ha ha ha. It's my fisrt real, six pager. So, duly noted.

The idea was as she lay dying, she disassembles the only bullet left, so if he chose to "bite the bullet", he would not be able to and he would suffer. Needed more runway to take off.

I kept asking myself, why did they take an envelope on a mountain-climb?

Thanks for the compliment... Something about a swinging flashlight creeps me out!

Well in alive they were all pretty sane, and they dried the meat in small chunks... BORING!!! lol. I want blood to unfreeze and drip! Also, I was going for that "talking with your mouth open" vibe, to further disturb.

Thanks, that plot point, of the, Oh, he killed them... was how I was inspired to write it. Glad that came through.

I had polar reviews on the ending, some loved it some hated it. I'm a Serling junkie.. What can I say.... "You unlock this door with the key of imagination, beyond it another dimension...."

Thanks allot for the thorough review. Very helpful indeed.

Anthony Todaro
01-12-2010, 04:34 PM
I thought this was pretty interesting even if it was a little 'out there'. :)

It's hard to connect with characters when there is such little background information but that's hard to accomplish in six pages. You did make me feel very cold and I could see it playing out clearly in my mind. Scary situation.

Cheers,

MAH


Thanks! ha ha.

Yes, I agree that the expansion of each character could bring more to it. I am learning to be more subtle, but simutaniously more concise in these short page constraints. I actually like the challenge, pass or fail.

Thanks for that. I like to make the reader see what I am thinking and what better compliment can a screenwriter ask for?

Thanks a million.

Anthony Todaro
01-12-2010, 04:38 PM
The alien angle was different, but without enough interaction with characters in
dialogue, it was difficult to read. Still, good job in trying out a 'twist' ending.

Different is an interesting word to use to critique. I mean, the word itself implies, a comparison of some sort, so I'm guessing you are comparing it to the "other" story? Ie - Snow-in story, vs. Alien story?

Agree with you that the characters could be expanded, but when you say "hard to read", I wonder if you are implying poorly written, or you could not understand the sequence of events?

Thanks for reading and the critique.

Anthony Todaro
01-12-2010, 07:03 PM
The writing is well done, its descriptive and I really felt like I was there in that tent. Unsettling claustrophobic feeling of being trapped in the tent, well done.

Blake's dialogue is good except the "You're my girlfriend" this is too on the nose and it's not needed. You give us enough clues in the following dialogue to figure it out.

Next, I refer back to Captain Pierce's post, it'll save me a lot of typing. I basically agree with all of his comments about the story. The bullets, message, the empty shell casing etc.

I would've preferred this to just be a story of a guy in a tent without the alien angle. But I can see some merit to that twist and it could help explain somethings. Say, the aliens could've disassembled the bullet to see how Blake would react.

A well written story and you did keep my interest, I was interested to see what was going to happen to Blake. Nice visuals, really some good things going on in this script.

Thanks!

Agreed, The girlfriend line was a hammer over the head... The ring handles it.

Yeah.. What's with the white letter size envelope? Anyone? Bueller?...

I need to make it the "one-shot, micro pistol" that I read about. In my reply to Captains review.
I could probably drop a hint about it similar to the "Never leave the tent without your boots on and your suicide pistol"

Something like that would have been a bit expository, but I think I could refine it. Thanks for the secondary heads up.

Yeah, I keep getting North and South on the twist. Non writers have been loving it... ha ha! Does that mean I'm not a writer... lol.

Thank You very much for the compliments. What more could I ask for then to read "Well Written, Nice Visuals, Kept My Interest". Much thanks.

kennethhurd
01-13-2010, 01:07 PM
I enjoyed it! You set up the atmosphere well. I liked the way you wrote the dialogue. It added an extra visual layer to the script by having us see Blake shiver as he says each line. That worked perfectly to continue to establish the cold atmosphere of the script.

I did feel that some of the dialogue was a bit on the nose, but it was never distracting. I personally like the ending you gave this one. It just adds to the hopelessness that you've already created for Blake. Good job!

Anthony Todaro
01-13-2010, 04:35 PM
I enjoyed it! You set up the atmosphere well. I liked the way you wrote the dialogue. It added an extra visual layer to the script by having us see Blake shiver as he says each line. That worked perfectly to continue to establish the cold atmosphere of the script.

I did feel that some of the dialogue was a bit on the nose, but it was never distracting. I personally like the ending you gave this one. It just adds to the hopelessness that you've already created for Blake. Good job!


Thanks for the crit!

Agreed about the OTN points. I'm learning to hone it back. I am gonna do a rewrite after its all said and done. See if I can't make it the best it can be.

Thank you for all the detailed observations. Very helpful. :2vrolijk_08:

MrKilloran
01-13-2010, 06:45 PM
I need a blanket, I'm cold now lol.

I liked it, very descriptive and I got a good sense of geography and tone. Great atmosphere and Blake even though we don't know enough about background to connect with him but he was believable as we enter this moment of his life.

I'm not a fan of the twist. It just took me out of the story and IMO doesn't necessarily add anything to the story.

Anthony Todaro
01-13-2010, 07:11 PM
I need a blanket, I'm cold now lol.

I liked it, very descriptive and I got a good sense of geography and tone. Great atmosphere and Blake even though we don't know enough about background to connect with him but he was believable as we enter this moment of his life.

I'm not a fan of the twist. It just took me out of the story and IMO doesn't necessarily add anything to the story.

Thanks for the read and crits MrK!

Yes, twas but a snapshot and what we see is what we get. Glad you saw that, I think it would work visually to just cut in on Blake the nutjob and understand he has been Walter. E. Kurtz-a-fied.

Admittedly, a self-indulgent, Serling nod to finish.

Thanks again!

DarkElastic
01-14-2010, 04:54 PM
Hi Ant, I just read your script.

Great start, loved the lonely dialogue as you could really feel the slip of his mentality. Loved the fact he killed the two for plotting to kill him.

I could see why you tried to do the bullet twist, but shame you never got it right. Also, the end twist, again I can understand why, but it was not needed. Just him suffering lonely, after his deed would have been a great way to end, and in less pages. The bodies of his vistims to keep him alive... quite ironic.

Great try, glad you got involved and I look forward to seeing your improvement in the next Fest, as you have a good style about you.

Anthony Todaro
01-14-2010, 06:00 PM
Hi Ant, I just read your script.

Great start, loved the lonely dialogue as you could really feel the slip of his mentality. Loved the fact he killed the two for plotting to kill him.

I could see why you tried to do the bullet twist, but shame you never got it right. Also, the end twist, again I can understand why, but it was not needed. Just him suffering lonely, after his deed would have been a great way to end, and in less pages. The bodies of his vistims to keep him alive... quite ironic.

Great try, glad you got involved and I look forward to seeing your improvement in the next Fest, as you have a good style about you.


Thanks for the read and your opinions.

MML
01-15-2010, 09:21 PM
I really liked the mood you set...the isloation...I actually caught a chill. I liked it up until the alien part. LOL. That was so crazy to me because you totally didn't need it. It was so weird and all they did was tell us what you already did a great job showing us...so why?

I'm going to pretend the alien part wasn't there. So GREAT JOB! :)

Anthony Todaro
01-15-2010, 11:51 PM
I really liked the mood you set...the isloation...I actually caught a chill. I liked it up until the alien part. LOL. That was so crazy to me because you totally didn't need it. It was so weird and all they did was tell us what you already did a great job showing us...so why?

I'm going to pretend the alien part wasn't there. So GREAT JOB! :)

Out of all the people who hated the twist, I liked your hatred the best! =)
Thanks a million for reading and being honest!

Mailliw87
01-16-2010, 08:39 AM
love the way you tell this story, through blake speaking to himself.
It definitely has the feel of isolation and cold.

I agree what the others have said about the ending.

I like it, it's my kind of script, love the mood and atmosphere you've created.

Oh, and nice to meet'cha too :P

Anthony Todaro
01-16-2010, 09:46 AM
love the way you tell this story, through blake speaking to himself.
It definitely has the feel of isolation and cold.

I agree what the others have said about the ending.

I like it, it's my kind of script, love the mood and atmosphere you've created.

Oh, and nice to meet'cha too :P

Thanks! I think, I'm softening up to the idea of nixing my twist. Sometimes, stories don't need a twist, they just need to be told. It was an afterthought, and it shows. That's never good. lol. Much appreciated. =)

MML
01-16-2010, 10:26 AM
I don't know Anthony...the twist is growing on me now and I'm thinking about adding it to the end of my SP...

The two birds are on the branch together, the guy is on the sidewalk with suitcase in hand, then the aliens show up and talk about what happened.

Seriously, the really funny part about your twist is it wasn't really a twist. I thought the twist was the betrayal part. And I really liked the story, thought it had come full circle and was over then...the aliens.

My advice...have confidence in your writing. Your story was very strong. You totally didn't need anything extra to make it stand out or give it more of an impact.

Anthony Todaro
01-16-2010, 10:42 AM
I don't know Anthony...the twist is growing on me now and I'm thinking about adding it to the end of my SP...

The two birds are on the branch together, the guy is on the sidewalk with suitcase in hand, then the aliens show up and talk about what happened.

Seriously, the really funny part about your twist is it wasn't really a twist. I thought the twist was the betrayal part. And I really liked the story, thought it had come full circle and was over then...the aliens.

My advice...have confidence in your writing. Your story was very strong. You totally didn't need anything extra to make it stand out or give it more of an impact.

You're a peach! I have some good ideas on how to polish this baby.
May I interest you in the re-write, when it's fin? :) Obviously, open to reading any re-writes you may have as well. No pressure, just thanks for being honest.

I just re-read it and realized how "on the nose" the alien dialogue is... I feel a vomit coming on...

MML
01-16-2010, 06:02 PM
I'm totally up for a rewrite. Anytime. :)

Anthony Todaro
01-16-2010, 10:12 PM
I'm totally up for a rewrite. Anytime. :)

SHWEEEEEET! :dankk2:

Sarah Daly
01-17-2010, 01:44 PM
Hey!! I didn't mind the twist really - dont think it added much thogh - my issue was with all the telling and not showing...pretty cool story and love the tone/setting but I think you could be more visual in your telling of the story - I'm thinking flashbacks to what happened, to the affair, to his girlfriend dissasembling the bullet etc - mess with the chronology, show more and cut most of Blake's talking to himself and this could be really great - then I dont think it would need the aliens twist - instead the twist could be the reveal that he's eating his girlfriend - build up to that instead. Of course, just my opinion! :) You've got the makings of a really good short here just dont be afraid to rethink how you tell it!

Anthony Todaro
01-17-2010, 04:28 PM
Hey!! I didn't mind the twist really - dont think it added much thogh - my issue was with all the telling and not showing...pretty cool story and love the tone/setting but I think you could be more visual in your telling of the story - I'm thinking flashbacks to what happened, to the affair, to his girlfriend dissasembling the bullet etc - mess with the chronology, show more and cut most of Blake's talking to himself and this could be really great - then I dont think it would need the aliens twist - instead the twist could be the reveal that he's eating his girlfriend - build up to that instead. Of course, just my opinion! :) You've got the makings of a really good short here just dont be afraid to rethink how you tell it!

Thanks Sarah! Great stuff. It's almost like you read the rewrite... lol. Some of your suggestions are already in the new revision, and coming from you, it's a pretty darn good thing to feel like I was on the same page. You are very talented.

Love the chronos idea. I really feel some jump cuts in this... Kind of "Memento" esque maybe... Really helpful stuff. Much thanks. :grin:

Sarah Daly
01-18-2010, 03:22 AM
Hey no worries dude!! Thanks! And yep I'd say you're deffo on the right track!

Mailliw87
01-18-2010, 03:50 AM
and here I was actually liking the fact that blake was talking to himself :D
It was a bit unusual. Flashbacks would of course be a lot more visual. obscure flashbacks hm, or like pieces of flashbacks that in the end become a whole... just thinking out loud. I'd like to read the re-write when it's done ! :)


instead the twist could be the reveal that he's eating his girlfriend
Yeah!! great idea this :)

Anthony Todaro
01-18-2010, 02:35 PM
Hey no worries dude!! Thanks! And yep I'd say you're deffo on the right track!

thanks a million.


and here I was actually liking the fact that blake was talking to himself
It was a bit unusual. Flashbacks would of course be a lot more visual. obscure flashbacks hm, or like pieces of flashbacks that in the end become a whole... just thinking out loud. I'd like to read the re-write when it's done !

Well, I like it too... lol

Te rewrite is on the first post. But, I am reworking it, yet again to reflect some of Sarahs cool ideas and you too.

I like the chronos idea, and I did add a flashback helping to establish, 3 single shot (suicide pistols), the new handling of the postcard, and the begining of the demise of Blakes relationship with his GF and his best friend.

The meat idea, is good, but I don't want that to be the surprise, I want her "HOPE" that's her name... lol, To truly have the last laugh, and ultimately betray him for betraying her for betraying him. Ha ha ha. Seriously.

I am going to add at least one or two nice lines for Blake, not OTN though... More poetry ( I did name him after William Blake) =) Something in the W.B. realm might work, something sparse...

But your idea Mailli, of splitting the flashbacks up is gold. Since the FB deals with (three) issues, when i need to forshadow or further define, i will jump cut them in.

The aliens got nixed. I liked them and their message about humanity, but when I read how OTN the dialogue was, I knew there days were numbered. lol.

Thanks Guys!

arroway
01-18-2010, 07:09 PM
BLAKE
...I mean...waste not, want
not...right baby?hehe

I think this entry has the best title of the fest.

I thought for sure he was talking to his dead girlfriend (while eating pieces of her) which is sort of like some ghastly parody of that Tom Hanks movie where he talks to the volleyball the whole time...

The ending is very reminiscent of a number of Twilight Zone episodes where different races of aliens comment on the inefficiencies and/or peculiarities of the ape-descended race known as humans. Often times, they are debating whether or not we are worth saving or capable of being saved. To be honest, I think the script would have been more effective without it. There is nothing in the story that prefaces such a thing, no clues, no foreshadowing, so to me, it seems a little superfluous to the base story (which is interesting enough as it is).

My only other niggles would be to include a few flashbacks just to get a more rounded picture of the characters; perhaps he could handle different objects in the tent that trigger different memories/flashbacks?

I also think the alien dialog at the end could use some work on differentiating it from human dialog. An alien prefacing a comment with "Get this" reminded me of "The Coneheads" or something.

Anthony Todaro
01-19-2010, 03:51 PM
hehe

I think this entry has the best title of the fest.

I thought for sure he was talking to his dead girlfriend (while eating pieces of her) which is sort of like some ghastly parody of that Tom Hanks movie where he talks to the volleyball the whole time...

The ending is very reminiscent of a number of Twilight Zone episodes where different races of aliens comment on the inefficiencies and/or peculiarities of the ape-descended race known as humans. Often times, they are debating whether or not we are worth saving or capable of being saved. To be honest, I think the script would have been more effective without it. There is nothing in the story that prefaces such a thing, no clues, no foreshadowing, so to me, it seems a little superfluous to the base story (which is interesting enough as it is).

My only other niggles would be to include a few flashbacks just to get a more rounded picture of the characters; perhaps he could handle different objects in the tent that trigger different memories/flashbacks?

I also think the alien dialog at the end could use some work on differentiating it from human dialog. An alien prefacing a comment with "Get this" reminded me of "The Coneheads" or something.

Can't really disagree with any of your crits. Thanks for the compliments. The rewrite is the story of Blake and his friends, not an "on the nose" crow-barred in, retelling of the tired argument on Humanities esoteric, shortcomings. it was an after thought and when I reread it made me nauseous.

I agreed with most of my crits and my rewrite reflects it. I am doing a second rewrite now to further, fill some gaps, fatten characters, and layer surprise. This fest has been really helpful.

Thanks Arroway, you just sealed it. The first rewrite is on my first post if you get frisky and want to check it out. =) Thanks for the read. :thumbsup:

Anthony Todaro
01-29-2010, 07:31 PM
Click here to read >>Waste Not (http://www.etherbend.com/WASTE_NOT.pdf)

Here is the latest rewrite for all those interested in rereading/rereviewing, I will return the flavor!

Thanks for all the feedback, this thing is badass now!!!! =)

Anthony Todaro
06-20-2010, 12:42 PM
Looks like I need to change the name... Everyone loves A cannibal story called WASTE NOT, WANT NOT...