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kennethhurd
01-04-2010, 09:53 AM
Synopsis: Aliens have taken over and all the remaining humans can do is find a hiding place and try to survive.

3 Main characters.
10 - 15 or so extras.
4 locations.

Kind of a late entry this time around, but I've got the first draft done and I just need to clean it up. The last scriptfest was a lot of fun, so count me in. I doubt I'll shoot this one for BetrayalFest though.

DarkElastic
01-04-2010, 10:19 AM
Good stuff Ken, looking forward to the read.

Michael Anthony Horrigan
01-05-2010, 06:54 AM
Good luck, Ken.

Michael Anthony Horrigan
01-10-2010, 08:17 PM
POSSIBLE SPOILERS


Nice job, Ken.

Pretty bleak stuff. Loved the Sci-Fi feel you had going. The voice box was also a really neat touch. I especially liked the the way the two encounters book-ended the script in two very different ways.

Very solid entry all around. Nice work.

MAH

Gohanto
01-11-2010, 06:12 AM
There's some potential here and I like the core concept, but I think the betrayal of the dad is powerful enough and a good twist. The sister's choice at the end comes off as forced, and ultimately pointless just leaving a sour taste in the mouth at the end. Removing that, and maybe having the brother jump out to kill Evan might be the strongest finish (especially as you established him as the weaker one earlier with him not wanting to go grab the food himself)

DarkElastic
01-11-2010, 10:05 AM
Hi Ken, I've just read your script.

I love Sci-fi and this has an "Invasion of the Body Snatches" feel to it. I figured what was going to happen with the Father and didn't see the second betrayal coming, whcih really added to it. Yes, it ends on a negative note, but so what, it doesn't have to be happy endings all the time - damn you Hollywood!!!
I liked it, well done.

krestofre
01-11-2010, 10:45 AM
I liked this one quite a bit! I can really see Gohanto's point about the double betrayal, but honestly I only started thinking about that as I went back and began analyzing. As a gut emotional impact that I felt while reading the actions of Alice were quite grabbing.

Captain Pierce
01-11-2010, 04:31 PM
Wow, talk about your sibling rivalry... :)

Interesting concept, with (as mentioned) certain precedents in classic science fiction, but not to the point of being a rip-off of anything; and a nice tight script that gets the job done in the pages allotted.

I don't necessarily have a problem with what Alice does, but I wonder if she doesn't need a little more motivation. Not, admittedly, that you have time to do much more, I understand. :) But if it seemed more like Jimmy was weighing her down, hurting her chances to survive, it might work a little better. I mean, he's the one who reminds her to go after the groceries after Evan is grabbed...

One minor point of order--how was the first soldier able to be understood? Was he wearing a box as well, and it was already activated? At first I thought he might be some sort of collaborator, but the description says they all have the eyes.

kennethhurd
01-11-2010, 07:15 PM
Thanks for the reviews. I should have been more clear that all of the abducted humans have a voice box. The second Soldier's voice box messes up briefly before working properly. I probably should have had this happen with the first soldier instead of the second.

Chris_Keaton
01-11-2010, 08:43 PM
I loved it. Probably because of the miserable hopeless environment and the feral type of betrayal. Good job in my book. There is a special place in Hell waiting for you mister.

Ben Sliker
01-12-2010, 10:55 AM
WHAT A SELFISH BITCH.

haha, everyone for themselves right? Love the betrayal and I really liked her explanation via VO of what happens to the humans. well done.

-ben

Russell Moore
01-12-2010, 03:25 PM
Gloom and doom. I love it. I really liked the atmosphere you set. Well written and it flowed easily for me. I could see clearly everything that was happening.

This is more of a comment on other's comments....I don't think there really is a double betrayal. Evan, the father is not really who he used to be, I don't feel he is really in control of himself when he comes to the house. He had his chance to betray his children and did not do it. Now Alice, who obviously doesn't have the same strength of character of dear old Dad, definitely betrays her brother.

Alice's betrayal was powerful for me, I felt connected to both her and Jimmy at this point.

I may be alone on the V.O., but I think your visual descriptions are good enough to do without the V.O. It didn't take away from the story, I just think your visuals are powerful enough and relay enough information that we don't need the V.O.

Overall, I enjoyed the script. Really well done.

MML
01-13-2010, 11:37 AM
I thought this was really cool. Great atmosphere, I was feeling it. And nice tension too. Also...great act of betrayal! man, that was harsh.

One thing I think might improve it is showing some kind of emotion when their Dad is taken away. I can see now why you might not show any from Alice but there should have been soemthing from Jimmy. That point would have been a great opportunity to show how she was turning cold. Like if Jimmy got upset and she brushed him off. And then when he's in his sleeping bag, even if it's just a facial expression, show that he's sad. Just a suggestion.

And one nitpicky bit...when you intro Evan, give him a last name. That way when you intro his kids you can give them the same last name and we'd assume they were his children. That way you don't have to give away information like telling us Evan's son/daughter.

I liked this. And like I said, GREAT betrayal!!!

Anthony Todaro
01-13-2010, 06:59 PM
Now that's what I call a betrayal!

Great job on creating that desolate but colorful world. I was in it.
Love how you built Alice as the hopeless one from the start, with the "There's nothing we can do..." line. I caught that.

I guess Jimmy could have used a little more meat, perhaps if he made an endearing gesture towards Alice, (tie her shoe, give her the last bite of fruit, etc.) or something, we would miss him a little more and hate Alice allot more.

Points for tasteful use of VO.

It works without it. Would love to see this made.

Good work.

Sarah Daly
01-17-2010, 03:45 PM
So it's a story set in a dystopian future where a kid betrays a sibling so of COURSE I love it :) I love that Alice does betray her brother in the end - it's not pretty or heartwarming but cold and real. The atmosphere is great - the pace is great - detail is awesome. The writing powers along - very lean and easy to read. Love it!

MrKilloran
01-18-2010, 07:17 PM
Great Betrayal, do what you can to survive.

The atmosphere, pacing, details I followed all pretty effortlessly, the words flowed well off of the page and really drew me into the story.

The V.O. elements are unnecessary IMO, you could take it out and I'd still understand what was going on.

I could have used a little more character development between Alice and Jimmy, just to make the ending that much more powerful. Still, it's a tragically cold world, well done.