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View Full Version : TOUCHED - A script by Ben Sliker



Ben Sliker
01-04-2010, 08:39 AM
http://www.benjaminsliker.com/film/TOUCHED/touched_poster.jpg

This one didn't make the cut.

Oops ... I guess I let the cat out of the bag.

DarkElastic
01-04-2010, 09:26 AM
Nice to see you're involved again, Benny boy.

Ben Sliker
01-05-2010, 07:49 AM
yeah ... it was time to wake from DVXuser hibernation again.

Anthony Todaro
01-05-2010, 01:34 PM
Yeah NC in the fest! (Gboro here, at the moment) Looks veeerry int-er-esting... Nice poster BTW.

Mailliw87
01-05-2010, 02:24 PM
great poster..I think I see a face in it! Like the title as well.

/William

Michael Anthony Horrigan
01-11-2010, 09:28 AM
POSSIBLE SPOILERS

Very well written script, Ben.
I really liked the concept and the discussions came off as quite believable. It had a very real tone to it. Well done.

The only thing I could not understand was how he wouldn't know what school she went to?
There is a big age difference between myself and my oldest sibling but as his brother I know every school he attended throughout his life.

Aside from that it was an enjoyable script even though it was pretty clear where the betrayal was coming from.
Again, if I just came across this script I probably wouldn't have even seen it coming as I wouldn't have been looking for the theme.

Either way, this was a very good read.

MAH

krestofre
01-11-2010, 11:07 AM
Very nice script. I think we see the ending coming, but it's not a story that is only supported by a twist ending, so I wouldn't consider such a realization a problem. Character development was strong. This would be an excellent actors' piece.

ZazaCast
01-11-2010, 02:23 PM
Nice! I really enjoyed this script, great job on the twist. Since my Dad is 79 now and still active and sharp as a tack, I'd have liked to see the father much older (90+).
Didn't you know 70 is the new 50 these days?

Well written story. Thanks for sharing.

Chris_Keaton
01-11-2010, 02:53 PM
I loved this twisted tale of betrayal. I guess it is possible to come up with a serious betrayal in 6 minutes. Good Job!

Captain Pierce
01-11-2010, 03:37 PM
I drove past a big billboard on the way home tonite that said something about movies only showing the smoking, not the addiction. I'm guessing this one will make the anti-smoking types happy. :D

It left me wanting more, like how Jessica turned from the little girl bringing gifts home for her father to the bitter woman wanting him dead. (I'm not saying that needed to be in here, because that's a whole lot to cover on the page you had left :); I mean I liked the script and wanted to know more about the characters.)

Charli
01-11-2010, 06:44 PM
The ending was quite clear, so good job on that.

I did not like the opening. I know you were trying to set up the tone but we're in the hallway
and then you state "down the hallway" uh, we're "in" the hallway. I'd rather you
just show us the action and get to the story quicker.

The dialogue felt more like exposition than an actual revealment of each character.
I also agree on the age, think 90s or late 80s.

Ben Sliker
01-11-2010, 07:13 PM
thanks everybody for the feedback, i promise i'll get to reading everyone's script here soon!

Ben Sliker
01-12-2010, 11:09 AM
some answers!


POSSIBLE SPOILERS
The only thing I could not understand was how he wouldn't know what school she went to?


I figure that these two people were distant enough that this kind of detail isn't something they would talk about. Plus it's about 30-40 years removed. Hell, I can barely remember all the schools I've gone to, I'm only 25! Perhaps if I set up that these two people barely talked, ever, especially since she left very early in his life.


Very nice script. I think we see the ending coming, but it's not a story that is only supported by a twist ending, so I wouldn't consider such a realization a problem. Character development was strong. This would be an excellent actors' piece.

Thanks! I definitely set it up as an actor's piece, I'm glad that showed through.


Since my Dad is 79 now and still active and sharp as a tack, I'd have liked to see the father much older (90+).
Didn't you know 70 is the new 50 these days?


haha. I never imagined the father old enough to be senile. Just old enough to be in a nursing home. Plus I didn't want to deal with giving him some disease, etc. 70 may be the new 50, but death doesn't have an age. :)


I loved this twisted tale of betrayal. I guess it is possible to come up with a serious betrayal in 6 minutes. Good Job!

yay me!


I drove past a big billboard on the way home tonite that said something about movies only showing the smoking, not the addiction. I'm guessing this one will make the anti-smoking types happy. :D

lol on the billboard.


The ending was quite clear, so good job on that.

I did not like the opening. I know you were trying to set up the tone but we're in the hallway
and then you state "down the hallway" uh, we're "in" the hallway. I'd rather you
just show us the action and get to the story quicker.

The dialogue felt more like exposition than an actual revealment of each character.
I also agree on the age, think 90s or late 80s.

boy, i just can't win with you charli, can I? lol. would 'at the end of the hall' work better?:2vrolijk_08:

Russell Moore
01-12-2010, 02:36 PM
Very well done. Written really well.

You got me to care about the characters and give me some insight into them in just a few pages. Nice idea for a betrayal.

Really enjoyed this script.

Anthony Todaro
01-13-2010, 03:15 PM
Now that is how it's done. The theme is all over this. Well written and crafted. Compelling and touching. I didn't expect it.
Great work. I'm so glad he didn't do it. =)

MrKilloran
01-13-2010, 11:29 PM
A really carefully crafted story. Strong character development and you generated enough information to understand their personalities. great work, I liked it. :thumbsup:

Ben Sliker
01-15-2010, 07:16 AM
thanks for the feedback everyone! you guys rock!

Mailliw87
01-15-2010, 07:25 AM
Hi,

It's definitely an actors script. Very well written, believable and interesting characters, dialog flowed and felt natural. I liked the last detail "The pipe falls out from Gerald’s hand and on to the porch."

Don't really have any negative critique. Nice work

DarkElastic
01-15-2010, 09:33 AM
Hi Ben, just read your script.

Really well constructed script with good characters and an obvious betrayal.

I agree above that I wanted more. Why did she do it? What was in the tobacco? But, even without this detail it was still an easy and compelling read. Well done.

MML
01-15-2010, 09:33 PM
Whoa. That was harsh. I liked it. GREAT betrayal. The dialog is a bit stiff but the idea is really good. Very nice job. :)

Sarah Daly
01-17-2010, 03:31 PM
I liked this a lot. Really well-handled and the end was totally gut-wrenching so good job! The only thing I would say is there is a lot of exposition in the dialogue at the start and this feels a little unnatural -I would say you dont need a lot if it - cut as much as you can and be subtler where you can and this will feel a lot more real. You pack a lot of punch in so few pages though - nice work!

kennethhurd
01-20-2010, 02:08 PM
Very well done. I really like the way you structured this story. I was expecting the script to go in a different direction, so I didn't see the end coming. Good job.

Anthony Todaro
01-29-2010, 06:08 PM
Congrats! nice work!