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RodThompson
01-03-2010, 05:22 AM
Of course I'm doing another one!

No real logline for this one, but if I had to summarize, it would be: WTF LOL.

DarkElastic
01-03-2010, 06:28 AM
You can only submit one script per person, Rod.

http://www.dvxuser.com/V6/showthread.php?t=191660

RodThompson
01-03-2010, 07:30 AM
I'm not entering the other one, Dark.


I put that in that thread...over a week ago. :D

DarkElastic
01-03-2010, 07:32 AM
Oh OK... I'm behind... Damn Christmas!!! :embarasse

Chris_Keaton
01-03-2010, 09:10 AM
I thought you bailed again! Good to see you back and no that's not a come on you freak. :nads:

RodThompson
01-03-2010, 09:36 AM
I thought you bailed again! Good to see you back and no that's not a come on you freak. :nads:


Yeah, I just finished this one today.

RodThompson
01-06-2010, 06:27 PM
I'm a little miffed. My original was was saved on my computer at work and is now gone. I rewrote it to the best of my memory, and am uploading now.

ZazaCast
01-11-2010, 08:14 PM
What, I'm the first to comment?

Rod... this was very entertaining. I liked the story and I can see the music cues really moving this along and adding to the comedy. I kept wanting to see this in a Mexican restaurant with a Mariachi band...now THAT would be funny!

All in all....really good work and I loved the final payoff...classic!
Cheers!:thumbsup::thumbsup:

Michael Anthony Horrigan
01-11-2010, 08:34 PM
Fun script. I thought that the entire situation was quite outrageous but that's obviously what you were going for. Could be really fun to watch play out.

The music cues were quite funny.

Cheers,

MAH

RodThompson
01-12-2010, 02:55 AM
I'ev recently discovered The Vitamin String Quartet, so about halfway through the script, I was like...yes! So thats where the music came from.

Thanks for the reads! I'm back at work, so I'll make sure "you's twos" get my first reads.

Russell Moore
01-12-2010, 07:10 AM
Fun, funny and easy to read. The string quartet was great.

Good, snappy dialogue, it sounded natural and flowed well.

Well done.

Michael Anthony Horrigan
01-12-2010, 07:12 AM
Just wanted to add to this...

Dialogue is one of the toughest things to nail and you did that quite well.
Kudos.

MAH

Charli
01-12-2010, 09:30 AM
So the two married folks are cheating on each other, okay. The music in the background seemed
a bit too obvious to me and considering the time frame, no way they could have gotten off all
of that music within six minutes. I didn't really feel like I got to know the characters,
but more or less read about them. Setting was good.

RodThompson
01-12-2010, 09:39 AM
Essentially, I wanted the music to serve as a playful backdrop, so they never even really finish a song. It's more or less a series of well known song intros to set the scene. It's a lot like Tom and Jerry, or a Loony Toons episode where the music is up and down depending on what's going on. No real pace, but instead a quick series of ups and downs. :Drogar-BigGrin(DBG)

Captain Pierce
01-12-2010, 04:21 PM
Okay, I realize we're judging scripts here, and I don't want to get into the whole "should the script be producible" argument again... but the (presumably unattainable) music cues bother me. I'm not saying they're not well-chosen and funny :), but they bug me a little given that this scriptfest is at least somewhat tied to the filmfest, and the filmfest rules have a pretty strict copyright rule. (And yeah, I know I'm the one who argued against inventing rules recently :D, so I don't want to make a big deal about it.)

That aside, I enjoyed the script; the dialogue is enjoyable, as is your writing style (even if it does approach overkill a time or two :) ).

thartley
01-12-2010, 04:34 PM
Two things make this work for me: dialogue and the music cues. I'm not sure which I enjoyed more. Kinda brilliant in an absurd and comedic way. Impossible for the entire songs to play out in the span of the scene, sure...but I could TOTALLY accept them as the emotional undercurrent of everything.

Would love to see this one produced, but good luck on the music rights. :D

Well done!

Chris_Keaton
01-12-2010, 09:47 PM
Alright. I have to admit I didn't like this the first time around. It was probably all the screenwriting rules that were broken. Like named music (which I didn't mind so much), but the flowery prose was killing me. We got the point from the basic descriptions and the great dialog. We didn't need hips that could melt butter on the 3rd of January stuff. Keep that for the writing you get paid for.
I must say on second read I enjoyed it much more. My faith in you has returned. :)

DarkElastic
01-13-2010, 09:30 AM
Hi Rod, just read your script.

Positively, the dialogue is good and the idea that the married couple are both betraying each other is excellent. I can see the music working and I understand how you wanted to utilise it for mood.

Style though, it was all over the place. When you kept it simple, it worked great, but as soon as you tried to get poetic (maybe) you lost me. For example - "The man is beyond nervous, and displays it like an emotional IMAX." This stuff isn't really needed and the script would have worked better if you kept it simpler.
I was a bit confused that he was on a date with a 40 year old and was married to a 20 year old, him being 40 also. In my mind, having the ages reversed would have worked better and have both the husband and wife be seeing younger people.
It was a good, fun script overall though, so well done.

RodThompson
01-13-2010, 04:32 PM
In the beginning, as in my first feature-length, I stuck strictly to the rules and conventions. No use of well known songs. Slugs and Actions should be crisp and to the point. Characters should evolve…

Then I read HEAT, and then Lethal Weapon, and Usual Suspects, and on and on and I started finding that compared to the unproduced scripts I had been reading from fellow amateurs, these scripts were alive. I could see the world, and taste the air of the setting. With amateur scripts, everything was cookie-cutter by the rules, and there was no memorable flare.

I’m not saying that rules should be ignored, but when I write, I’m not writing to JUST tell a story. I’m writing to consume the reader. Of course those songs wouldn’t be feasible for an indy short (Oh, and I didn’t mean you would hear the entire song, by the way, just memorable snippets), but did they bring this world a little bit more to life. Yup.

I may never option another script as long as I live, but as far as writing them, I just don’t think I could ever truly abandon my style of writing without losing some of makes a story so vivid. Chris mentioned “a body that could melt butter,” and while flowery, I think it portrays a better image of the character than “...(20s), attractive. Borderline slutty.” Maybe I’m just snacking on brain tumors…lol:2vrolijk_08:

Anthony Todaro
01-14-2010, 09:21 AM
Hey Rod, Anthony here, nice to meetcha!

Here are my thoughts.. Could have used more visual action. IMO the slugs should always reflect a place first and foremost so the linear statements, can be handled in the action if need be. Watch out for the big bad publishing companies on your music, but you know this.

I like the use of music to help with the narrative. I thought that was pretty dang smart actually, good work on that. But, like charli, I felt the time constraint would have made that many songs, less then plausible. Maybe axe a couple and leave the really strong ones?

Loved the line -- "You must be Houston" Cold as ice!!! Loved it.

Thanks for making me want Tiara Misu, I'm trying to watch my oafish figure... jeez...

Good job.

Sarah Daly
01-15-2010, 05:08 AM
In the beginning, as in my first feature-length, I stuck strictly to the rules and conventions. No use of well known songs. Slugs and Actions should be crisp and to the point. Characters should evolve…

Then I read HEAT, and then Lethal Weapon, and Usual Suspects, and on and on and I started finding that compared to the unproduced scripts I had been reading from fellow amateurs, these scripts were alive. I could see the world, and taste the air of the setting. With amateur scripts, everything was cookie-cutter by the rules, and there was no memorable flare.



I concur Rod - I think as long as you know the rules - it's okay to break em. And yep all those professional folk break the so-called rules. In my opinion it's fine to set the tone in your writing as long as you're not being so wordy you mess with the timeline. I think your additions put your personal stamp on this - you have your own style and I think that's great.

My issue was with the fact that the story seems to be mroe motivated by what seems cool, or by what would be funny, rather than by the characters. For example when he says at the end 'But she's me wife' this is clearly for the audience's benefit - to get a laugh - and not for Sherry - it doesn't make a difference to her whther the woman is his wife or not, just that she's not the only one in his life.

Otherwsie, very well written, nice dialogue, funny - I like the music cues and see what you're going for but yeah - they don't really suit the budget level :) Still, a fun read and some definite flair. Nice!

MML
01-15-2010, 09:10 PM
Ha! She's my wiife. Funny. I liked the quirky tone here. I liked how you intertwined th emusic with what was happening. Nice work.

Mailliw87
01-17-2010, 02:44 AM
I enjoyed the read! Nice work.
I liked the idea of the string quartet in the background.
thought it worked pretty well and so did the story concept and dialog as well.

didn't understand this line though " emotional IMAX".
I don't know what an IMAX is, hm :p
Someone mentioned to keep it simpler, I think that might be good
at some times I felt the paragraphs were taking me away from the story sort of, I wasn't with the characters when I read paragraphs like the imax one.

Otherwise, nice work, I liked it.

kennethhurd
01-20-2010, 12:51 PM
Fun read! I loved the interaction between the characters. Everyone seemed fully fleshed out. Good job.

MrKilloran
01-20-2010, 11:50 PM
Enjoyable dialogue, well done on the music cues, the script felt very alive. It was fun to read through.