Kai and Gerda

[Sarah Daly]

In a dystopian future, a brother and sister face the consequences of their betrayal...

[DarkElastic]

Nice to see you back, Miss Daly.

[Faith Nelson]

Nice to see you again, Sarah! Whatcha been doing?

[Chris_Keaton]

Hey Sarah, nice to see you in the wrong part of town again.

[Sarah Daly]

Aww hey thanks guys!! Just getting back into my groove really - been delving into other creative avenues but think it's time I got some more scripts on the go.

How are you Faith?! Good to electronically see ya :)

And howdy Chris and DarkElastic - looking forward to your offerings too! Always impressed by your stuff.

[Michael Anthony Horrigan]

This should be good.

Best of luck, Sarah.

MAH

[Michael Anthony Horrigan]

POSSIBLE SPOILERS


First off....

I'm glad that you didn't try and trick the reader. We all know that these scripts are about betrayal so I'm glad that you got that part out of the way fairly quickly. I was afraid that too many entries might go for the big twist reveal at the end. Nice to see that you went in a different direction. I haven't read many scripts yet so maybe I'm off base on this assumption.

The ending was tough to read and if this ever makes it to the screen it will be very hard to watch. I could see this in my head quite clearly. It was quite haunting. Loved it.

Well done.

MAH

[krestofre]

Awe geeze. Rip my heart out, why don't you?

Excellent job, Sarah, you hit every mark you were aiming for. I loved the dystopian setting, the relationships, the ending. Great job. Emotionally very powerful.

[Charli]

What is it with you Brits? Is it the cold? Is it the rain? Tragedy, ack! Nice
work girl.

[Russell Moore]

Bam! This is an emotional knockout. Really liked this script.

Well written, the characters and their motivations are spot on, you really feel for them.

Depressing, haunting, memorable. Great job Sarah.

[Sarah Daly]

My goodness thanks guys!! So so glad you like the script - it's pretty bleak but I'm delighted it has the emotional impact I hoped it would. Looking forward to checking out your work over the next couple of days!!

[Captain Pierce]

Is it lame of me that I had to Google "The Snow Queen" to know it was a real fairy tale and not something you invented as part of your dystopian future?

I like the way you don't try and explain the totalitarian regime or make any kind of political statement with it, you just run with it as part of these people's everyday life. And I love Kai's echoing of his father's words about belittling society.

This one packs a punch. Nicely done.

[MML]

Great visuals, cool setting, two characters we care about and sympathize with...agonizing ending.

NICE WORK!!! Top notch writing as well.

It's not warm and fuzzy, that's for sure. And the end just leaves us haunted and uneasy...and sad. So you made quite an impact in only 6 pages. That's great writing. :)

[arroway]

"1984" meets Shirley Jackson's "The Lottery".

I liked it. The setting and inciting incident aren't terribly original. Kids being trained to spy on their own families was mentioned in Orwell's 1984 and there is a scene in "Equilibrium" ("1984" meets "The Matrix") that had the protagonists own kids spying on him with the intent to turn him into the authorities.

With that said it was still very well written, emotionally powerful, and bravely unflinching with the violence.

The exposition that explains why drawing in a notebook is so bad was handled very well. You could have easily taken the lazy way out with an "As you already know..." speech ("As you already know, possessing or making art is a capital offense..."). But you didn't. Kudos.

The stoning is a strange execution method for a sci-fi setting, but I think a good one. It provides a nice contrast.

I loved the names of the children and the fact that their mother named them after fairy tale characters. A very good detail.

The realization that she's drawing her mother so she won't forget her is also very effective.

I would say the ending is what I think could still use some work. I didn't like that the father called the boy's dead mother a "bitch". One, because that seemed like too emotional an outburst for an upstanding citizen of one of these societies, and two because it seemed like a cheap way to make him appear more evil akin to the scene in movies where the bad guy is shown kicking a dog. He's already "kicked the dog" with his actions, calling her a "bitch" seems redundant and unnecessary. If anything I think it would be more interesting to see some tiny seed of remorse or grief in his character. Why not something like:


KAI
Well, where is she?

DANIEL
Painting maybe. Or reading one of those picture stories.
There's probably music. I'd bet you anything there's music --

KAI
I don't understand.

DANIEL
She's with her mother, Kai.

KAI
You mean...

DANIEL
It started at noon.




As Kai arrives, panting, a small crowd disperses.I thought it could be a nice little detail if you added something like "a few of them wincing, rubbing their exerted arms." to the end of this sentence.

I also thought, how horrible would it be if he got there just in time for some execution officer to mistake his out-of-breath enthusiasm for someone who was rushing to participate? Maybe there's one stone left and the guy makes him throw it, some rule like you have to throw if you want to watch? And Kai throws and it skips off the ground and he starts crying and the officer thinks he's crying because he missed and tells Kai that missing is nothing to be ashamed about, that most people miss their first time and that he'll assuredly get better with practice...

Her drawing something with the stone was a good detail but as written, I had to read it a few times to understand it. I'm not sure how I feel about her drawing the word "sorry" though. She shouldn't be sorry. That's usually the theme in these kinds of things, the people who fall out of lock step with society aren't sorry about their lack of conformity, even if it means dying.

Once or twice, some of the dialog the kids had sounded a bit too "adult". It is very difficult to nail all the inflections and idiosyncrasies inherent to the dialog of the young but for the most part I think you did it well.

There were a few instances where I had to re-read a line to understand it. The second paragraph for instance, I couldn't tell whether the kids were in the same bed or the two beds previously mentioned which made the next paragraph confusing. Tidy up a few of these instances and you have a nice little script on your hands.

Good job.

[ZazaCast]

Powerful script Sarah. Although this was a bummer, it was a well written bummer and there's nothing wrong with that! This was a world without all the puppies & rainbows...I like it! Gerda and that bitch of a wife got what was coming to them. If anything, I feel sorry for Daniel having to put up with their crap for so long. :evil:

Really, I know there was a comment about the 'bitch' dialogue and I don't agree. To me, Daniel was saying that not to be an uncaring monster, but to express his disappointment and anger associated with the loss of someone he loved deeply (how could she do that to him?). This also explains why he would turn Kia in to the authorities...it's like removing a bandaid, you do it fast to avoid the hurt. He is a man crushed.

Just my take.... great job, I really enjoyed the script and feel it would make a wonderful short.:thumbsup:

[Chris_Keaton]

So many dystrophy futures in this contest. This is a classic tale told really well, as you always do. I thought for a second your dark tale was still going to turn out cute, which you sometimes do, but I see you are reaching into your dark side. It's a chilling tale and with a few tweaks, such as 'arroway' mentions it will be as dark as it deserves. I'd love to see this filmed. Congrats another great job!

[Sarah Daly]

I liked it. The setting and inciting incident aren't terribly original. Kids being trained to spy on their own families was mentioned in Orwell's 1984 and there is a scene in "Equilibrium" ("1984" meets "The Matrix") that had the protagonists own kids spying on him with the intent to turn him into the authorities.

Thanks so much for the in-depth feedback, Arroway, you've brought some interesting questions to light. My inspiration was actually to take current, real-life events such as stonings in places like Pakistan and the religious honour killings that still happen in supposedly civilized society, and supplant this phenomenon into a modern day, totalitarian type scenario, basically changing context to give a different view on the issue. but yep, it's not entirely new ground I'm treading.



I would say the ending is what I think could still use some work. I didn't like that the father called the boy's dead mother a "bitch".

Again, referring to the 'honour killings' reference, I don't believe that the players in such atrocities are consistently stoic or unexpressive. On the contrary I think they can be vulgar and merciless. Whether it is the case that he has some remorse deep down or not, I think he would be past admitting that to himself and would mask it in anger expressed towards the women who forced him to hand them in - who he would feel betrayed him.

I do see your point though - the kicking dog thing is best avoided. Perhaps there is a more subtle way I could express the man's outer as well as inner malice and indoctrination - but I do feel he has to outwardly express it at some point - he's not a total robot - his frustration and anger will simmer to the surface eventually if pushed.



Her drawing something with the stone was a good detail but as written, I had to read it a few times to understand it. I'm not sure how I feel about her drawing the word "sorry" though. She shouldn't be sorry. That's usually the theme in these kinds of things, the people who fall out of lock step with society aren't sorry about their lack of conformity, even if it means dying.

I sort of meant for her to be apologising to Kai, for betraying him and getting herself killed, leaving him alone - but I know I dont really achieve this. Will definitely have another think about how to do this. Don't want to be too cheesy here - but do want it to be brutally emotive.



There were a few instances where I had to re-read a line to understand it. The second paragraph for instance, I couldn't tell whether the kids were in the same bed or the two beds previously mentioned which made the next paragraph confusing. Tidy up a few of these instances and you have a nice little script on your hands.

Getcha - will sort those out.

Again, thank you so much for the thorough feedback - very very useful.

[Sarah Daly]

Gerda and that bitch of a wife got what was coming to them. If anything, I feel sorry for Daniel having to put up with their crap for so long. :evil:


Hehe I know right?! Women eh?! :)

Thanks Zaza, Chris, MML and Captain Pierce for the kind words!

[thartley]

Oh, I really enjoyed this one. (Nice to meet you, Sarah) I prob can't add more than the others have already said.

Not sure if it was intentional or not, but at the very end, I thought it was a great move for Kai to put his jacket over his sister. Sort of putting her back "under her sheets" where she could draw at last.

Good job! Flows nicely, reads easily.

[DarkElastic]

I read your script Sarah... Wow.

Beautifully written. Like every script in this Fest, a little more work will improve the flow and the niggles. Get that man of yours on this... It must see the screen.
When you see the picture in the dirt and the words sorry, a lump appeared in my throat... Now as a man I blamed it on indegestion. But, if this is made, I will probably cry at that part!

Up to now, this is my winner. Congratulations. Your writing is going from strength to strength. Also, congrats on your other script getting made for Sundance.

[Sarah Daly]

Oh, I really enjoyed this one. (Nice to meet you, Sarah) I prob can't add more than the others have already said.

Nive to meet you too!


Not sure if it was intentional or not, but at the very end, I thought it was a great move for Kai to put his jacket over his sister. Sort of putting her back "under her sheets" where she could draw at last.

Ooh clever! I mean...yes...it was intentional...of course it was :)

Thanks DarkElastic!! So so glad you liked it and yep - think the man should get round to this soon enough :)

[Anthony Todaro]

Greetings Sarah,

Amazing. Got me to well up, so I guess I was in love with the characters =).
Such a touching betrayal.

Well written and a pleasure to read. Daniel was a true black-hearted patriot,
I can imagine him dying a slow, lonely death and I love it.
I was compelled by reading your action, I felt is was concise and poetic.

Sorry for the fluff, but I really dug it.
Great job.

[Mailliw87]

well I loved the script :D seriously. It was a treat to read.

I was a bit surprised how it managed to get me so emotionally engaged, and I just love the choice of names Kai and Gerda.
Also love the world you managed to build up. And the fact the she draws her mother..

chuckled when Kai repeated what Daniel said.
Nice touch :)

And well written obviously :)

[MrKilloran]

Great job Sarah, you've created a very dark but memorable piece.

The world and character's in it all feel real and I really became emotionally invested, superb work!

[kennethhurd]

This was really good and very haunting. I like that you didn't tell us about the world you created, but instead chose to show it to us as the story progressed. It really kept me hooked to the script, just waiting to see what happens next. I found myself really hoping that Kai would save Gerda in the end, but I do love the direction you took with this.

[kfer250]

hey sarah,
i really, really liked your script. read beautifully, and like everyone else, i became emotionally attached to the characters. so much action and characterization in six pages...well done!

[lawriejaffa]

I just wanted to add somewhat belatedly (i will get to the other scripts guys) that this is such a powerful and deeply traumatising script really.

The mistake would be to interpret this as a meredystopian fictional sci-fi world... sorry guys, its present day reality in half the world as we know... what this script does right that is fascinating is that it turns around the cause of 'honour killings' (perverse versions of tribalism, religion, culture) and places it in the Western secular sensibility. The very response that some might have to this story being so 'alien' or sciencefiction fantasy/ kind of vindicates the stories irony.

That this story actually succeeds in making the reader think on this issue through a different context and perspective is a unique achievement. It's extremely rare too for scripts posted in these contests to explore difficult subject matter like this, and even harder to drive an emotional connection so devastating, onto its reader.

So i'm exceptionally impressed with this one.

[ZazaCast]

So i'm exceptionally impressed with this one.

There's a surprize. :grin:

[Sarah Daly]

Thanks so much for the kind words everyone!

Hehe and yep Zaza, he is clearly biased - dont believe a word :)

[Charli]

Yes, bias maybe, a little, a tad there Lawrie, but what I want to know, is - "Where's Lawrie's feedback audio?" Okay, so I don't expect him to read outloud each and every script, but oh how we miss his witty banter in tearing out scripts to shreds...

[lawriejaffa]

Not at all you scumbags - its quite how i feel - its by no coincidence that i have such confidence in Sarah's writings - and i think thats been reflected in her achievements.

That said though - your right ive reviewed this one first!! I would love to do an audio feedback but time is a total killer - however i will get a chance to go over the scripts and provide detailed feedback (eventually) - and yep Charli - there will be witty banter!

[Michael Anthony Horrigan]

Congratulations, Sarah! No surprise here. :)

[Gohanto]

Finally got around to reading this. Sadly I disagree with others here. It's a powerful story without question and it is well written, but with the ending the way it is I honestly just consider it cheap.

As a writing experiment, I can see the value in writing stories like this. It's a chance to explore sides of humanity that are rarely seen. However I can't imagine why anyone would ever WANT to see a story like this. Just my opinion.

But like I said, on a script level it works great. It's just ending story element that I disagree with.

[Michael Anthony Horrigan]

Completely disagree. Why would anyone want to see Sophie's Choice or Schindler's List?
That argument makes no sense to me.

This script is powerful, well written and filled with emotion. Definitely not for the weak of heart.
Definitely not cheap.

MAH

[Russell Moore]

Congratulations Sarah! Great script and well deserved.

[Sarah Daly]

Thanks conlan and Mike - you guys rock - to be ranked among your stuff is an honour :)

And thanks for the defense there Mike; I agree of course - surely films shouldn't protect us from the harsh realities and injustices of the world - but expose them. Escapism is nice, and we all want that from time to time, but there's also a place for social commentary, and speaking about issues that make us uncomfortable.

Anyway, that's my two cents.

I'm off to celebrate with a cup of tea and a rice krispie square :)

[lawriejaffa]

Completely disagree. Why would anyone want to see Sophie's Choice or Schindler's List?
That argument makes no sense to me.

This script is powerful, well written and filled with emotion. Definitely not for the weak of heart.
Definitely not cheap.

MAH
Agreed Michael - that has to be the most alien and bizarre assessment of a script ending ive read for ages. For a start - cheap is an offensive hyperbole to use. Second to that, this ending and the story is harrowing and challenging - not just for the writer, but for the reader. It doesnt pull punches, but manages to deliver an emotional connection. Yet criticising why anyone would 'WANT' to watch such a story?!? I guess that rules out a whole slate of films that don't deliver cotton candy...

The cheap ending would have been that our young lady escapes, everything is happy, the cathartic ending. This instead was a thought provoking ending at least for me.

It sounds to me that a dose of cinema maturity, in how film can be used to tell meaninguful and powerful messages and expressions, could do you some good. Check out the films Michael recommends hehe, then maybe your hyperbole won't appear so cheap!

[Russell Moore]

Wow! Totally missed Gahonto's post the first time. I can understand if a person doesn't like a story or the way it ends, but cheap? There's certainly nothing cheap about this script. The ending is set up well, it's powerful, realistic, emotional, it pretty much strikes every chord.

Film should definitely explore every side of humanity. I'd love to watch this, granted I have a penchant for the dark side of humanity. :evil:

I'd say other stuff, but it's pretty much what Lawrie says and it sounds way more eloquent the way he puts it. :happy:

[Sarah Daly]

Hehe loves dem words does our Lawrie :)

Thanks so much for your input though conlanforever - I really appreciate your comments!

[DarkElastic]

Congrats Sarah, I had you as number 1 in my top 3, but being second isn't bad either.

[Anthony Todaro]

Congrats! That's what you get for making me cry!!!

[Sarah Daly]

Hehe thanks Anthony :) it was my pleasure!!