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DarkElastic
12-31-2009, 04:00 PM
http://i42.photobucket.com/albums/e316/DarkElastic/Misc/WhenYouHaveItAll.jpg


A man with everything has one hell of a bad day.


Available for Filming

Michael Anthony Horrigan
01-04-2010, 10:26 AM
Good luck, man.

DarkElastic
01-04-2010, 11:00 AM
Thanks, MAH.

kennethhurd
01-05-2010, 06:43 AM
Sounds interesting. I look forward to reading it. Good luck!

MML
01-11-2010, 06:21 AM
This was crazy. I love the visual at the end because the whole tiime I was thinking that Jason was a total dick head. :)

I cracked up when Stan said the area had been reported to be possessed by the devil.

I enjoyed it. It was silly and entertaining.

DarkElastic
01-11-2010, 06:53 AM
Ty

Mailliw87
01-11-2010, 09:04 AM
I liked this one. It has a certain style to it. It made me think in colors while reading it, loved that about it.
Also love the " off-sync" tapping on the steering wheel, made me chuckle a bit. As well as the sunglasses detail. Great.

I don't know, can't come up with much critique except perhaps one less split-screen?

ahhhhhhh, the ending haha. Fitting.
Nice work!

And thanks for your comment on my script, very happy you liked it.

Michael Anthony Horrigan
01-11-2010, 09:18 AM
Silly stuff... bordering on ridiculous, but in a good way. :)

Very entertaining. You definitely went all out in this one. Quite a ride.
My only real negative would be having them call each other by name so often.

Cheers,

MAH

DarkElastic
01-11-2010, 09:34 AM
Thanks for the comments, guys.

This type of script is not something I would normally put into these Fests. But I ran out of time and I had this one pretty much worked out with regards to logistics. I am really looking for formatting comments, for future writing, as I will be amazed if some people don't hate this, with regards to conflicting sense of humour!

krestofre
01-11-2010, 10:57 AM
Also love the " off-sync" tapping on the steering wheel, made me chuckle a bit. As well as the sunglasses detail. Great..

This was my favorite part of the script. I really appreciated small details like that.

The overall story didn't do a lot for me, not because of a conflict of humor, but because it seemed rather cobbled together. The devil possessed location was there only for your payoff ending instead of some logical through-line.

I also expected some kind of payoff with the Expensive Recovery service, but it didn't really come through. What if Expensive Recovery was Satan's service? He sold his soul a long time ago and is now just activating the plan or something? Just thinking out loud.

I'm also not sure how well transparent things would show up on screen, but that's a nit-picky point.

Captain Pierce
01-11-2010, 10:58 AM
I'm not going to say I hate the script, and I don't know if conflicting senses of humor are involved here, but...

...a "Chinese male who cannot pronounce his 'R's?" Seriously? I don't see how this stereotyped dialect adds anything to the character or the scene. Ditto for him being gay and wearing pink. I don't want to make a big deal about it or start some "PC" lynchmob or anything like that, I just don't get it.

Moving on, I thought Jason's line about having a small soul was out of character. Wouldn't he be as unjustifiably proud of the size of his soul as he is everything else? :evil:

Michael Anthony Horrigan
01-11-2010, 11:02 AM
...a "Chinese male who cannot pronounce his 'R's?" Seriously? I don't see how this stereotyped dialect adds anything to the character or the scene. Ditto for him being gay and wearing pink. I don't want to make a big deal about it or start some "PC" lynchmob or anything like that, I just don't get it.

I wasn't going to touch on this but the character immediately reminded me of the character in 'The Hangover'. Right down to the way he spoke and his lifestyle. He just happened to be a mob boss as well. :)

DarkElastic
01-11-2010, 11:27 AM
...a "Chinese male who cannot pronounce his 'R's?" Seriously? I don't see how this stereotyped dialect adds anything to the character or the scene. Ditto for him being gay and wearing pink. I don't want to make a big deal about it or start some "PC" lynchmob or anything like that, I just don't get it.


Are you trying to say this guy doesn't exist???? I bet he does somewhere out there!!!! :thumbsup:

DarkElastic
01-11-2010, 11:28 AM
The overall story didn't do a lot for me, not because of a conflict of humor, but because it seemed rather cobbled together. The devil possessed location was there only for your payoff ending instead of some logical through-line.


There are clues throughout.

MrKilloran
01-11-2010, 11:58 AM
Has an enjoyable silly attitude, You have a lot of details to like, the off-sync tapping and pompous loud music as well as little details with color that really help to paint a picture. Those are enjoyable. However, something about the script just didn't click for me. It feels sort of flat and there isn't a lot of depth to your characters and story.

kennethhurd
01-11-2010, 12:14 PM
I enjoyed this script! I loved the twists and turns that you had throughout. I should have seen it coming that his wife was having an affair with the mechanic, but I didn't put two and two together until it was revealed. Great job.

DarkElastic
01-11-2010, 12:17 PM
Ah well, can't make everyone happy, all the time... Especially with a rushed script.

DarkElastic
01-11-2010, 12:18 PM
Thanks Ken.

Russell Moore
01-11-2010, 01:04 PM
I liked this in spite of myself.

A twisted little tale, some really nice details, out of sync tapping, loud pompous music (not sure what that sounds like, but it still struck me as funny)

I like the bit of dialogue, "I'm running away with Craig the Mechanic" like Craig the Mechanic is his God given name.

As far as the end. I had no problem with his dick head, that was appropriate.

But I didn't feel like he would even make the deal at all. He really onlly lost his wife, he didn't really seem to care about her. She's runnig away, so he won't have to split his riches with her. I didn't get the feeling he was really going to die in the desert. So it left me thinking, why would he make the deal at all?

But I like an over the top story and you nailed that.

ZazaCast
01-11-2010, 01:08 PM
Enjoyed the script. Have to agree that it's not a deep story, but I don't think it was meant to be. Just good silly humor.

The recovery guy made me think of the the character in '16 Candles', Long Duk Dong for some reason...only gay. Ha! John Hughes (bless his soul) is cracking-up where ever he might be.

You're a great visual writer and I too can really see your scripts. Great job!

DarkElastic
01-11-2010, 01:15 PM
Thanks for the comments, guys. If anyone really feels this is a serious script, then they need to see a doctor!

You can argue that there is no reason to make the deal. But this is a guy who likes to win, and enjoys making others suffer in the process, so not to win is devostating... A quick fix for his damaged soul sounds like a good deal to him.

Chris_Keaton
01-11-2010, 03:01 PM
I first read the opening dialog and thought 'what the hell kind of steaming pile of cliche dialog', then I realized that's what you were going for. This was an entertaining piece that didn't take itself too seriously. Good Job!

DarkElastic
01-11-2010, 03:44 PM
Good man, Keaton.

Charli
01-11-2010, 05:03 PM
I think the humor was lost on me. Should have known when you did the "Et Tu"
part - sigh. I did like "running away with the mechanic" part. Hey, a guy who
either cooks or fixes car, we girls are there!

DarkElastic
01-11-2010, 05:11 PM
I think the humor was lost on me. Should have known when you did the "Et Tu"
part - sigh. I did like "running away with the mechanic" part. Hey, a guy who
either cooks or fixes car, we girls are there!

Yes, I think from the past Fest, Charli, that we have a totally different sense of humour. That's fine :thumbsup:.

RodThompson
01-12-2010, 08:39 AM
Me laugheded. :Drogar-BigGrin(DBG)


Devil:nads:Jason

I don't want to echo everything that's been said, so "I agree."

DarkElastic
01-12-2010, 09:03 AM
Everything, Rod? Everything?

RodThompson
01-12-2010, 09:20 AM
Everything, except for any contradictory statements that I didn't read. So pick a side and I'm on it. :D

Seriously, I agree with Charli to a point in that I feel that you tried to induce humor with cliche's. The thing was that they weren't clever uses of cliche's. Just cliches. So despite the comedy of it all, it's still just a lot of overused devices (didn't want to say cliche again).

I still laughed at it, so it wasn't lost on me, and I'm not one of those critical shits thats all about being poignant and precise, but I think you could have done more...no, not more...better.

So I'm neutral. I didn't love it, didn't hate, but I don't think I wasted the five minutes it took to read it, either.

Sarah Daly
01-13-2010, 01:55 PM
Wham Bam thank you DarkElastic hehe!! I believe 'romp' is the term I'm looking for - this is an irreverent, brash, slap you in the face and take your pocket money kind of script! Hehe if that makes sense? I for one enjoyed this cliche-tastic un-PC thrill-ride. The phallic horn - hehe - of COURSE!!!

Ps. Apologies if you meant this as a serious, poe-faced, commentary on the individualism rampant in modern society. :)

DarkElastic
01-13-2010, 02:07 PM
Ps. Apologies if you meant this as a serious, poe-faced, commentary on the individualism rampant in modern society. :)

Of course, how come people aren't seeing this Sarah?!?!?!?!?
Within it's context, it portrays modern man and his dependant upon vices, evil vices that are turning him into a minion of the Devil, signing his soul over for petty advances upon his fellow man. And once everyone has signed their souls over, we go back to the dark ages!!!!

MUHahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

Nah, I just like to be involved and am too busy to come up with anything worth while, at this point in time. Hopefully, next Fest I will have a decent run at it.
Thanks for reviewing and glad it made you laugh, as that is the main point of this script... Actually, it's its only point!!!

Anthony Todaro
01-14-2010, 09:28 AM
Hey Dark, I'm a nube to DVXuser... =)

Some thoughts: The action was a bit choppy meaning it slowed me down reading. The slug "Middle of Nowhere" was a bit vague for a location scout, "Desolate Road" or something might work... I noticed you re-state that it's the middle of nowhere in the action below, no need too, we already know, unless you do change it, in which case I will STFU. =)

The dialogue seemed a bit forced to me. Like it was someone reading, not really talking. Then, like Keaton, I realized you were effing with me. Ha ha haha!!! NICE JOB!

Stan was funny and a nice little relief.

On that, I noticed he still had some "R's" though... If you make the rules of the world and a guy can't pronounce "R's" then he probably wouldn't say, "Our" or "Area" or "Broke" - Page 5 (PDF #'s)

Also noticed the lack of punctuation on the "Mr" -- Which, if he can't pronounce "R's" he wouldn't be able to say anyway. It would probably be something like "Meestah" or "Mistah" or something...

The device of that particular strip of nowhere being possessed by the devil, can work but I feel it needs to be set up. Krest had the right idea on his crit.
I absolutely peed myself when Craig says "Sorry Jason, and poo poo you." Ha ha ha!!!! Can I have another plate of that? =)
I like how you showed Jason starting off with his rejection and in denial of it, arrogant and his arc towards the realization, that, he is a tool.

Some really kick ass stuff in this script. Good work.

DarkElastic
01-14-2010, 10:33 AM
Thanks for the review Ant,

Yes, there are things that I missed, and that is the problem of not giving my self enough time to do a thorough check.

I was more concerned about format with this one, and thanks for the tips. I am assuming as most havn't commented on the format, it is fine. I really just wanted to keep the numbers up and keep involved. I'm hoping to have more time next fest to come up with something worth while.

Quincy Minor
01-17-2010, 08:39 PM
This is one wild story. I didn't see it coming with his girlfriend and the mechanic. Good job! There were a few formatting question marks I had. The location Middle Of Nowhere could be more descriptive like Route 66 or similar. I'm assuming you will be directing this because of the split screen action. If your not, this should be left to the director and editor but that's just my opinion. INTERCUT could be used here.

The china man Stan's dialog still included some R's. However, I got the comedic point.

I was into the story until the devil showed up. Jason didn't flinch and wasn't even surprised like it happens all the time (unless I missed something).

DarkElastic
01-18-2010, 06:43 AM
Thanks for reading Quincy,

Yes, there's plenty of problems with this... Not enough time given to adjusting before uploading I'm afraid.

The ending, and Jason's lack of surprise is based on his character. The guy is a complete arse who has lost everything, but will never learn. He was also told earlier that this area is posessed by the Devil. The guy is just void of normal good human emotions, but has plenty of the bad ones. Probably could do with something else in there to reinforce this.

kfer250
01-18-2010, 07:07 AM
hey dark,
i laughed. this was funny.
a lot of this will be repetition, but i'll say it anyway. i really liked the details you included about jason (the sunglasses, the music), they very successfully painted him as a huge douchebag. also, your inclusion of the woman's hand closing craig's phone was great. even though it was obvious it was vicky, it foreshadows the betrayal which made me want to continue reading.
it read smoothly for me, and i liked the dialogue. hope his horn was longer than 6"...

DarkElastic
01-18-2010, 07:18 AM
Hahahahahahahaha.

Knowing the character, probably not... More like under average! :-)

arroway
01-18-2010, 03:41 PM
EXT. JASON AND VICTORIA’S HOME - DAYThis slugline is odd given we have yet to meet either of the people mentioned in it. I think it would be more worthwhile to describe what kind of house it is than who it belongs to which should be obvious with the proceeding action.


Horrible pompous music blares out of the car speakers.This took me out of the story wondering what "pompous music" was. Hipster music? But that doesn't seem like the kind of music your main character would listen to...



JASON
Et tu Brute, poo pooer!
Heh, I almost included an "Et Tu" reference too.


Jason reaches the phone and reads the name BALL & CHAIN.lol


Jason sits against his vehicle, upon the grass.This is worded strangely.


DEVIL
Ow. poo poo.lol, great first line for Satan.


Overall, despite some nice moments and bits of comedy, i didn't really "get" the story. A conceited douchebags car breaks down alongside a deserted road, makes a deal with the devil only to get a big transparent cock-horn on his forehead? Everything seems a little bit random and independent of everything else...

DarkElastic
01-18-2010, 03:56 PM
This took me out of the story wondering what "pompous music" was. Hipster music? But that doesn't seem like the kind of music your main character would listen to...


Let's just say, it was lost in translation between a Brit and a Yank.



Overall, despite some nice moments and bits of comedy, i didn't really "get" the story. A conceited douchebags car breaks down alongside a deserted road, makes a deal with the devil only to get a big transparent cock-horn on his forehead? Everything seems a little bit random and independent of everything else...

Exactly. :beer:

DarkElastic
01-18-2010, 04:39 PM
Oh, and I forgot to say, thanks for reading and commenting, Arroway.