Buck's Best Friend

[Russell Moore]

Its a tough day for a junkie and his dog.

[Peter Reynolds]

http://bikehugger.com/images/blog/twiggy_robot.jpg

[Russell Moore]

Just did a minor re-write on the script.

This script is a bit of a change for me, I'm a little nervous. Its a more of "normal" and straight foreward story than my previous scripts. I generally have some sort of "fantastic" or weird element going on, hopefully this works.

[Michael Anthony Horrigan]

POSSIBLE SPOILERS




Merry F'ing Christmas!

Holy crap. This was brutally depressing. Doesn't help that I'm a dog lover.
I could see this all too clearly. I'm a fan of your scripts and this is no exception.

Very nice work.

MAH

[Captain Pierce]

Dude.

No, seriously... dude.

Okay, I know what you were trying to do, and you did it with your typical skill... but did you really need to go there?

Jesus, I need a beer. :-Cry(DBG):

[Russell Moore]

MAH - thank you, I appreciate the kind words. I too, am a dog lover. This story came out of a news article I read about people kidnapping pet dogs to use as bait dogs for their young Pits to see how aggressive they would be.

Captain - thanks, I think. lol
Yes, I had to go there, this story just stuck in my head, tortured me every night for about a week, until I had no choice but to get it out. First beer's on me. :beer:

[Chris_Keaton]

Damn man, we have some sick minds in this thing and I think you just took the cake. I always say if what you write bothers you then it sure as hell is going to bother your audience, so congrats on that. I almost think though that the pit bull scene could be trimmed, because we already know what'll happen. Overall great job.

I did notice the margins were cheated a bit and you know that won't translate timewise, but who cares, most of these scripts if shot will be over 6 minutes of screen time.

[RodThompson]

Ladies and Gentleman, the man-tear short film of the year! For feck's sake! If there was ever an Aronofsky short film, this would be it. I haven't felt this shitty since I heard "ass to ass" on Requiem for a Dream.

The basement scene was like D9 when they bring that Prawn in so Wikus can test the weapons...

I'm...I'm feckin' done. :cry::Drogar-KnockedOut(D

[Charli]

This is starting to feel like "loss fest" pretty depressing ending. I'm not seeing a
betrayal here. The man sold his dog for a 'fix' but does that translate into betrayal?

Better the dog got the cops to arrest the owner for doing drugs. I would have bought that.

[Russell Moore]

Chris - I appreciate the kind words. You and my wife have something in common, the first thing she said after reading it..."You're sick. Why would you write something like this?" You're right, this story bothered me, got under my skin and I had to put it down on paper, wasn't sure how it would be received.

I'll check into the margins issue, though they shouldn't be any different than usual, at least from my previous work. I just use whatever the preset margins are on Movie Magic, if I need to change them, Ill certainly do so. Thanks for reading and commenting.

Rod - I'll sadly accept my Man-Tear award. Thank you. I guess I should be glad that the script is having such a "shi*ty" affect on readers so far? lol
I love Requiem for a Dream, so I'll take that as a compliment. Join me and the Captain for a beer. :beer:

Charli - I'm not sure how to respond to your comment. I actually felt I had one of the most obvious betrayals. Forget the fact that he has betrayed his family for the drug. He betrays the only friend he has left in the world, Buck his faithful sidekick, for a fix. The one that still stands by him unconditionally gets sold into dog fighting for ten bucks.

But, every story is not going to connect with everyone. That seems to have happened here. I appreciate you taking the time to read and comment.

[Mailliw87]

I liked it, love moods like this.. :D

Also like the choice of scenery.

Thought it was an interesting take on the theme.

I like that there's more betrayal in Gil's past.
with the "Mary" "billy" and "ben", and loved that scene with the woman and two kids.

[Ben Sliker]

nice work. seriously. aronofsky short film is right.

I think you need to work on showing your audience things instead of telling them and tighten up your formatting. 'INT. OUTSKIRTS OF DOWNTOWN GAS STATION RESTROOM -- MORNING' almost made my brain explode. I found myself getting lost in some of your descriptions as well, like 'four inch by six inch rectangular covered peephole', HOLY DETAILS BATMAN!

other than that, solid, solid script.

[Russell Moore]

lliw - after reading your short, I can definitely see why the mood here would appeal to you :D
I'm glad you liked the scene with the woman, that is one of my favorites.
I appreciate the kind words.

Ben - Thank you for the comments and compliments.


'INT. OUTSKIRTS OF DOWNTOWN GAS STATION RESTROOM -- MORNING' almost made my brain explode. I found myself getting lost in some of your descriptions as well, like 'four inch by six inch rectangular covered peephole', HOLY DETAILS BATMAN!

LOL I see it clearly now that it's seperated from the script, you are definitely correct. Point taken. Thanks for taking the time.

[Anthony Todaro]

A compelling read. It was also a very interesting wondering where it was going to turn.
It was endearing and tasteful while simultaneously tragic and disgusting. Nice work.

Also, EXTRA POINTS for a very unique form of betrayal. Wow, great job.

In Steinbeck's "Of Mice And Men" George kills Lennie and it is a great loss, but so merciful and even courageous.

This, would be like George, selling Lenny to Curley for an advance on the farm fund!
Sorry for the digression but it struck me. Never bad when being compared to Steinbeck, I suppose.

A nit pick; Shawn's dialogue could have been less expository, IMO, I think, "Got yerself a bait dog, huh?" would have done just fine. Or maybe even trim it still?

Thanks for making me well up you big jerk face! lol. Now I have to go watch The Goonies to get my mojo back.

Brilliant work.

[DarkElastic]

Hi Colan, just read your script.

I really felt this script, emotionally. You get dragged into the character and his dog, the situation and everything they have lost. Very deep stuff. I knew what the betrayal would be and it wasn't nice. The betrayal is very clear... His habbit really cost him everything!
Some work needed on some of the dialogue, but they can be easily adjusted.
Overall, a very good and deeply depressing script. well done.

[MML]

I don't know how anyone can question the betrayal here. Jesus.

This was really well written and really depressing. Holy crap. What a downer.

The only part that I wasn't nuts about was when he made eye contact with his wife (I guess that's who she was). IMO you didn't need to take it that far. In fact it made me loose sympathy for him a little. He should have just watched them. This would have showed us he was taking 100% responsibility for ruining his family life. And also that what he's done to himself made him not worthy of having contact with his kids. I think by just watching them would have amplified his torment and his despair.

Even though I hated what happened (I'm a dog lover), I love this SP.

[Sarah Daly]

Yup - this is great - very visceral and intense - very well written. I could absolutely see it in my head. You set the tone very well. Some really nice detail here too. I love the juxtaposition of scenes/shots where the dog faces the pitbull while his owner shoots up. A very raw and real little snippet from the life of an addict, but you get so much across about him and the devastating toll of the disease.Great job!

[Chris_Keaton]

This is starting to feel like "loss fest" pretty depressing ending. I'm not seeing a
betrayal here. The man sold his dog for a 'fix' but does that translate into betrayal?

Better the dog got the cops to arrest the owner for doing drugs. I would have bought that.

Charli, I am again questioning your sobriety. :badputer:

[Russell Moore]

AT - Thank you for the comments. I agree with Shawn's dialogue, I changed it several times, I struggled with the term bait dog. I wanted it in there, yet I felt it was too on the nose. In the end I left it, but still was unsure of that bit of dialogue. I'm humbled, that you even mentioned Steinbeck at all in the same post. I hope you got your mojo back. :grin:

DE - I appreciate the kind words. Sounds like the story connected with you and the betrayal was clear for you. I'm forever tweaking dialogue. Thank you for taking the time to read and comment.

MML - I'm happy to read your comments on the scene with Gil at the school. That it raised different feelings from you is good, I was happy to leave it open to the readers interpetation as far as why he was there or what he was looking for and how you would feel about it.

Believe or not, I'm a dog lover myself and have always owned a dog, so this hard for me as well. Your comments and cmpliments are much appreciated.

Sarah - Thanks so much, it sounds like you got everything I was going for, the tone and the raw reality. I was really trying to write something with a more realistic premise on this script. So I'm happy to hear your comments. Thanks again.

Perhaps Charli is just not a pet person and couldn't imagine being able to betray an animal? :beer: I guess not every story is going to connect with everyone and this just wasn't her cup of tea.

[Chris_Keaton]

Perhaps Charli is just not a pet person and couldn't imagine being able to betray an animal? :beer: I guess not every story is going to connect with everyone and this just wasn't her cup of tea.

Hah, sometimes you're lucky if you can connect to half of them. So good job.

[MML]

Well you connected with me. This story has stuck in my head since I read it. Especially the last two scenes intertwined...just heartbreaking.

Awesome.

[Russell Moore]

Thanks again MML...I'm touched that the script had that kind of impact. I sincerely appreciate it.

[MrKilloran]

Well then, I'm thoroughly depressed, what a sucker-punch of a script! This one's sticking with me for sure. :violin:

[Russell Moore]

Well then, I'm thoroughly depressed, what a sucker-punch of a script! This one's sticking with me for sure.

Kill - thanks for reading and commenting. I think you liked it? lol

[MrKilloran]

Kill - thanks for reading and commenting. I think you liked it? lol

:thumbsup:

[kennethhurd]

That was a pretty messed up story. Your betrayal was definitely one of the most disturbing ones in this fest. One thing I would have liked to have seen was more of the relationship between Buck and Gil. I think that you could have shortened the scene with Gil's family and used the time to develop Buck and Gil more. Still, in the time that you did use for this story, you made it gripping and haunting. It'll definitely be one I won't forget. Good job.

[valliemack]

I saw the stars on the thread. I knew this was going to be good. I knew going in that it was going to be a man betraying the relationship with his dog. It took me two days to decide to finally read it. I was afraid of how it was going to make me feel.

I wanted Buck to jump out of that pit. I wanted him to kill the Pit Bull. I hated, absolutely HATED how Gil patted the porch and made Buck come to him and seal his fate.

Okay - I admit, I didn't tear up during the read, but I'm doing it now, just remembering it. Grr! And he used Buck's collar as a tourniquet - shame on you, Gil!

I could so see this as a smaller part to a feature.

Very evocative writing - thanks for the good read!

[Russell Moore]

KH - Its a balancing act with these short scripts, trying to figure out what is essential and what isn't. I'm glad I got enough of Gil and Buck's relationship that the script still had an impact on you. I appreciate you taking the time to read and comment.

vallie - and thank you for the good comments. The scene when Gil gets Buck to come up on the porch is similar to how I play with my own dog, so it had a bit of my own life in it as well. For the record, I hate it when Gil does it too. lol

[arroway]

This was my favorite script of the fest.

I am shocked (to put it mildly) that anyone could read this and not see the betrayal. I can't think of another script in the fest where the betrayal is more overt.

The rubber bands he snaps to remind him of the other people he's betrayed in the past...

The dog collar being used for a tourniquet...

The drug dealer being legitimately surprised when he comes back with the ten dollars...

Both story and dialog were very believable.

I would suggest if you haven't already to read "The Crossing" by Cormac Mccarthy which deals with similar subject matter.

[Russell Moore]

arroway - Thank you for reading and taking the time to comment. I appreciate the favorable review, there were some very good scripts in this fest. From your notes, I'm happy to see I struck the right chords with certain elements of the script.

I have not read "The Crossing", but I'll certainly take your advice, I'm always looking for something good to read, thanks.

[Michael Anthony Horrigan]

Congratulations! Well deserved. :)

[Russell Moore]

Thank you Mike.

Thank you to everyone that took the time to read, comment and rank my script.

[jasonthewho]

Congrats on the win, Russ!

I finally checked out the final version of the script. The changes you made worked really well.

[Russell Moore]

Thanks Jason...I appreciate that you took the time to read and give me feedback on the original version and this one as well.

[RodThompson]

Still the best comedy I've read in a while.

[Charli]

Congrats!

[DarkElastic]

Congrats Colan, you were in my top three, well you were second in my top 3. Your win is well deserved though. No pressure in the next fest ;-)

[Russell Moore]

Rod...lol, you're sicker than me.
I appreciate it Charli, thanks.
DE, nothing wrong with 2nd. Thank you. No, no pressure here..eh, uhhh heh.

[RodThompson]

2nd

[Anthony Todaro]

Congrats!

[Russell Moore]

Thank you Anthony! I appreciate it.

[alex whitmer]

What a fantastic story. Really got the emotion across, and a very cool peek into the mind of a druggy, and the decisions they make – tragic of course, but who really understands this overwhelming craving for the high at all costs? Well done.

I almost feel guilty for what I am about to do.

Page 1

INT. OUTSKIRTS OF DOWNTOWN GAS STATION RESTROOM – MORNING

This is odd. Are we on the outskirts of a restroom? That is certainly how it reads. Must be one honkin’ big restroom!

What this needs is some dashes to separate information into ‘territory used’ chunks, starting with the biggest, and down to the where the action is happening – where the camera needs to be.

INT. OUTSKIRTS OF DOWNTOWN - GAS STATION RESTROOM – MORNING

You could even go one further with …

INT. OUTSKIRTS OF DOWNTOWN - GAS STATION - RESTROOM – MORNING

Now I have a clear idea of where this scene is taking place.

I try to follow the ‘reverse Address’ formula – which starts with the country, then the state, then the city, the street, and finally the address. Biggest to the smallest.

This slug also has MORNING. I’m no expert, but I think script standard is DAY or NIGHT, as this is major a consideration when costing out a screenplay. I’d find another way to suggest morning in the opening action, and just use DAY in the slug.

This …

Two young males, dirty, disheveled, push a cart of cans down the sidewalk at a run. Gil and Buck take off after them.

This seems at odds with being on the outskirts of downtown. My first image of ‘outskirts’ is semi-rural or semi industrial, and sidewalks may or may not exist.

Might be a good idea to open this story with an establishing shot to show it is morning, and then exactly where this gas station is. It could be a tranquil little mom and pop biz with one foot in town, and one in some rambling field, or it could be a dump frequented by the underbelly, like in some run-down industrial location, which are usually on the ‘outskirts’.

I’ve seen shopping carts pretty far from home, but again, this calls into question your exact meaning of ‘outskirts’.

Also, I’d iron out the cadence a little and say ‘dirty and dishevelled’ instead of having all those commas.

This …

Buck comes to Gil and nuzzles up to him. Gil scratches the
dog on the head and then scratches the crook of his left
elbow.

You have ‘Buck’ and ‘the dog’. Stick with Buck, otherwise I’m wondering if there is more than one mutt around. Also, here you have some pronoun confusion as you lead us from scratching the dog’s head to scratching ‘his left elbow’. Is Gil scratching Buck’s left elbow? I know that’s not what you mean, but it reads that way.

I’d rewrite all this …

Gil scratches the crook of his left elbow. Buck nuzzles up to him. Gil scratches Buck’s head.

I left out ‘comes to Gil and’ since to nuzzle Gil, this is a given action, and you don’t establish where Buck comes from in the first place. You do this later when Gil takes Buck to his doom – with Buck reluctant to ‘go to Gil’ – and it really works.

Also, we drop this from 25 words to 17 to say the same thing.

This …

EXT. DOWNTOWN -- NOON

The streets, lamps and buildings are decorated for Christmas. Busy, bundled up people scurry up and down the sidewalks.

Here is where one word can really make a difference, and save time and space. I’d use ‘festooned’ and leave it at that.

Also note the use of NOON in the slug. Make it DAY and find another way to tell us it’s noon, if that even matters. Does it? A town clock is a good tool to use.

As concerns cadence, note the use of UP twice, and so close together. This makes for clumsy reading. Lose one if possible. If you opt to keep bundled up, make it a compound adjective - bundled-up people.

Busy and scurry are redundant.

This could be rewritten like this …

EXT. DOWNTOWN STREETS -- DAY

Festooned for the holidays. Bundled-up shoppers scurry to and fro.

19 words down to 10. Same information.

This …

Gil, pale, shakes and holds his stomach. He shuffles through the mob, Buck at his heels. Gil holds his hand out, extends it to passersby. The pedestrians ignore him.

The first thing that jumps out is the use of three different terms to identify the ‘extras’: mob, passersby, and pedestrians.

You have already established these people in the preceding action, so no need to do it again, until you get to the ‘ignore him’ part.

Let’s rewrite this …

Gil shakes and holds his stomach with his hand extended . A faithful Buck follows.

GIL
Change please. Anything. I'm sick.

The busy shoppers ignore his pleas.

I’d also condense all this …

A sidewalk Santa RINGS his BELL, notices Gil and steps in
front of his donation bucket as if to protect it.

Gil grimaces. Scratches his left arm incessantly.

… and add it to the preceding action.

The busy shoppers ignore him. A sidewalk Santa guards the donation bucket as Gil passes. Gil wanders by, still scratching his left elbow.

All together …


EXT. DOWNTOWN STREETS -- DAY

Festooned for the holidays. Bundled-up shoppers scurry to and fro.

Gil shakes and holds his stomach with his hand extended . A faithful Buck follows.

GIL
Change please. Anything. I'm sick.

The busy shoppers ignore him. A sidewalk Santa guards the donation bucket as Gil passes. Gil wanders by, still scratching his left elbow.

86 words down to 59. That’s 27 superfluous words, and in truth there is room to cut a few more. When it comes time to put this puppy into production (and I truly hope you do), killing those 27 words will make this document a smooth and easy read, and a cinch for the crew to find their pertinent information.

EDIT: Reading it again, maybe this needs more clarity...

Gil shakes and holds his stomach with his hand extended

How about ...

Gil holds his stomach with one hand, extends the other ...

Also, in the opening scene he 'washes himself'. That leaves weird and unpleasant images in my mind. Maybe he 'washes up'.

Page 2 to follow ...

[Russell Moore]

Geez, now I feel like I shouldn't even have entered this script. Just kidding of course!

I'm more than happy to get one of your deluxe critiques. This feedback is great!

I'm glad that the story and emotion came across as intended. So far, I can see clearly all the points that you've made and how it clarifies and efficiently condenses the script.

Thanks Alex. Keep it coming. :thumbsup:

[alex whitmer]

Page 2 / first half

All this …

EXT.SUBURBAN NEIGHBORHOOD ELEMENTARY SCHOOL – AFTERNOON

Gil and Buck stand on a street corner. Gil looks sick, shakes, scratches, clutches his gut.

His attention is on the Elementary school across the street. Christmas decorations adorn the school. Children exit the school in droves, meet parents, get into cars.

Technically they are not EXT. ELEMENTARY SCHOOL since they are across the street, and you follow with the redundant ‘His attention is on the Elementary school’. Also, I don’t see a need to keep bringing up Gil’s condition. Maybe a twitch or a dry retch, but I think we’ve established he’s pretty F’d up.

We know buck is with him, and he’s mentioned shortly later, and somehow this scene feels like it needs to really be on Gil.

Maybe trim all this to something along these lines …

EXT. SUBURBAN STREET CORNER – DAY

Gil watches children spill from a holiday-decorated Elementary school across the street, where anxious parents greet them.

42 words down to 17. Maybe a little severe, but everything you need to set up the important action – Gil seeing his family - is there.

This …

Gil focus's on a well dressed woman (thirties), she meets two young boys on the sidewalk.

The woman kisses the boys. Gil pulls each rubber band on his wrist back and snaps it hard. He repeats this as he watches.

The reader soon finds out this is Mary, so why not call her Mary instead of woman? You’re not giving away any surprises since we don’t see the name on the rubber band until Gil looks at it.

Well dressed is a compound adjective and should be well-dressed. And no ‘ in focuses.

Also, does it really matter she meets them on a sidewalk? Since the car plays a role, I’d cut right to that. Also note the SHE after Gil’s action, which can be taken as a typo.

Gil focuses on MARY, a 30s, well dressed woman, greeting two young boys by a car. Mary gives each a kiss as they climb in.

Gil pulls each rubber band on his wrist and snaps it hard over and over as he watches.

We actually added one word here, but always go for clarity over brevity. And yes, I opted for an ING verb! Since it follows Gil’s simple present ‘focuses’. Just reads better.

Here we can make up for the extra word above, since I borrowed some of this action above.

The woman gets the boys into the passenger side of the car and then makes her way to the driver's side. She notices Gil across the street. She squints to make him out.

Trim to …

Mary opens the driver's side, notices Gil across the street. She squints to make him out.

33 words down to 16. Together, the 3 action blocks go from 73 words to 59. Is this really all that important? In a feature it is, and keeping word count down is a good habit to be in.

This …

Gil smiles slightly, hopefully, he raises his hand and steps forward. The woman's face registers recognition. She glares, shakes her head firmly and mouths the word "no".

Not much here. You can lose the first ‘he’ and change woman to Mary. 'Mary recognizes him' is enough. The actress will do the ‘face registers recognition’ part!

This …

Gil, deflated, lowers his hand and stops. He stretches the band marked "Mary" and snaps it against his wrist.

You can clean up the cadence by getting the adjective first.

A deflated Gil lowers his hand and stops. He stretches the band marked "Mary" and snaps it against his wrist.

And this …

He feels Buck's wet muzzle in his hand. He kneels down and embraces the dog. Buck wags his tail, licks Gil on the face.

Here again we have Buck and the dog. Stick with Buck.

More asap!

[Tom Roper]

Favorite Quote:

When a dog is a man's best friend, that dog has a problem. :kiss:

[Russell Moore]

That is a great quote.

[alex whitmer]

EXT. URBAN NEIGHBORHOOD SHINE'S HOUSE – AFTERNOON

Gil and Buck stand on the porch of an old, run down house. Gil KNOCKS on the DOOR.

You mention ‘house’ twice, one in the slug and once in the text. I think you could do something like …


EXT. URBAN NEIGHBORHOOD SHINE'S HOUSE – AFTERNOON

Run down. Gil and Buck stand on the porch. Gil KNOCKS on the DOOR.

I feel like there should be a dash between NEIGHBORHOOD and SHINE’S.

This …

Shine shuts the peep door.

Before you called it a 6 x 4 peep hole. I think just ‘peep door’ is good for both. Measurements really don’t matter.

Page 4

Typo here in its

GIL (CONT'D)
Its okay Buck. Come on boy.


This …

If the fighting pit is full of blood stains, wouldn’t they know the dog’s already a killer? By ‘young pit’ do you mean this is a new dog?

This …

Bucks dog collar is wrapped around Gil's left arm, one end
clenched between his teeth.

He pulls the collar tight around his arm and injects the

needle.

This is a really powerful scene. Really racks my heart each time I read it.

Again, fantastic story and script. I’d love to see this one produced someday.

a