View Full Version : Pirata
12-16-2009, 06:01 PM
Three pirates seek a hidden treasure on a distant island.
12-18-2009, 04:16 PM
Well you can never trust a pirate...good to see you in the fest nouou
01-06-2010, 03:15 PM
All I can say to this is "Arrrrrrrrrrrrrggggg! Now walk the plank!"
01-11-2010, 12:43 PM
First of all let me applaud you for choosing a pirate story. At first I was like "Pirate story? For Betrayalfest?" But really it makes perfect sense. It also sticks out from the rest of the entrants genre-wise.
I really didn't get the ending. The performing arts theater thing. I don't see that adding anything to the story. In fact it kind of takes me out of the script because suddenly the setting that I was enjoying so much just vanished from before my eyes. I'm curious why you took it that direction.
From a writing stand point, I'd suggest not having the "explanation paragraph" at the end. To the reader the script will be stronger and more compelling if you rewrite the climactic action so that it's clear and happening in front of the reader instead of having a bunch of guns fire and then a moment where you as the writer tell me as the reader what you mean.
Finally, and this is a small critique, with a pirate story I'd avoid the name "Jack" like the plague. Granted your Jack is a very different character than Johnny Depp's Jack, but still, from the first paragraph of your script I was fighting to get an already established character out of my mind.
Thanks for entering!
Michael Anthony Horrigan
01-11-2010, 01:32 PM
Yes, reading about 'Jack the pirate' and the comment about the rum seemed a tad familiar. :)
Interesting way to end the story as well.
I have to admit, I got a little lost in the middle as there was a lot going on at once. Explaining things as they happen might have served the script a bit more. The explanation paragraph was an interesting choice though.
I'm also curious as to why you went with that ending?
01-12-2010, 09:25 AM
I also agree with using "Jack" as a name for the pirate. When you use this type of language, it makes it
very, very hard to read, like reading street talk today. I'm wondering if you had placed the story
in modern time language if it would have come off a bit smoother. Good try in doing something different.
01-12-2010, 02:58 PM
I dunno, maybe it's because I haven't seen any of the "Caribbean" movies since the first one, in the theater, but Johnny Depp never crossed my mind while reading this. Thank God. :)
There's a lot of things here that didn't make a lot of sense. The fact that they're in a rowboat, for one, the captain passing out in the middle of a gunfight (I would think that the adrenalin from the gunfight would serve to at least temporarily counteract the effects of the alcohol), and (as has already been mentioned) the ending. Also, some of your descriptions don't quite match up; for example, you start with Jack rowing the boat and the other three standing, but then Jack is leaning down to whisper into the captain's ear.
But it was certainly fun to see some pirates. :)
01-12-2010, 04:17 PM
I like the pirate set up and also the characters themselves.
A lot of critique I would have, has been said already. But most notably, the end threw me off, especially if its a play. Because of the setting, this could not be filmed and look believable as both.
Sibling rivalry is always good formula for betrayal and there was some well written lively banter between the two.
01-12-2010, 06:00 PM
Some of your action blocks has a little more flower than I normally like. I hate to read pirate stories, but don't mind watching them. The language made me laugh at times. The continued at the bottom of the page and top aren't needed. The ending really through me, not sure why it's even there? Otherwise a fine job.
01-15-2010, 10:17 AM
Hi Nouou, just read your script.
I have watched all three Caribbean movies and didn't think of Depp once.
Congrats on attempting a Pirate Story.
You really did not need that ending. You really did not need the explanation of events. You couls have got around that with showing us the two dead with one bullet wounds and an extra bullet from him stuck in a tree, or something.
I was thrown a bit by some of the dialogue. Most seemed very piratey, but then I was hit by some that didn't, for example - Wankers, Oi and Time Out. Also, there are some spelling errors.
I was hoping little Laughing Jack would kill the Captain and leave with the chest.
Good read though, well done.
01-15-2010, 12:15 PM
Well done. There is a nice fluidity to your writing. Easy to read, and the visuals were well planned.
Also, way to think outside the norm. Unique, yet familiar.
Very meaty and colorful characters. I can sense the amount of thought you put into this.
Laughing Jack was what kept my interest. That little quiet time-bomb, just ticking away.
Nice job on reminding us of him during the argument.
IMO, you can just explain through action, a bit more sporatic then directly explaining the results of the stand-off.
Keaton's right, kill the page continues, it's the way of the old guard.
I understood the ending as being a second betrayal, directed towards the reader. So points for that.
Visually, it would be obvious, a man in a boat on a "set-painted" ocean, but this is a script contest, not a filmmaking contest, so I feel you're totally justified.
I loved being betrayed by your ending, it was an inventive move.
I had fun reading this. Read the whole thing in my expert piratey accent (in my head). It was very silly and I enjoyed it up until the reveal at the end. I didn't mind it except your opening slug is THE SEA. So how is that possible? You should have just said they were in a small boat. You "betrayed" the reader! LOL. Just being dramatic. But seriously, you can't say they're in the sea and then change it to the playhouse, but you can say they're in a boat and we will imagine them at sea without you actually telling us. Did that make sense?
Anyway, this was a fun read. :)
01-20-2010, 11:43 PM
Don't see what purpose the end serves to the rest of the story, just feel it's misplaced.
Kind of clunky action blocks especially the "this is what happened" sort of explanation. Use the actions don't just outright explain it. Describe visuals that give the reader enough detail.
Good work though.
01-21-2010, 12:18 PM
This is a good story, but from the moment they mentioned treasure I knew what the betrayal would be. I was expecting Jack to get away with the treasure from the get go because of the emphasis you put on him.
I personally liked the "Here's what happened" paragraph. I think you could really play upon this by using a narrator to give voice over saying "Here's what happened" and then show quick scenes as a narrator describes what we're seeing. Although, if you choose to use a narrator it would need to be introduced early on.
This was a pretty enjoyable read. The pirate dialogue took me out of the story at times, but it was needed to tell this story.