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View Full Version : Mercy - by Troy Ruff



Troy Ruff
09-14-2009, 07:57 PM
ok Here is my thread for my script, don't ask me why I haven't started one till now, but please any comments on my script would be greatly appreciated. Good or bad. :) Thanks guys. I can't wait to read yours.

Chris_Keaton
09-14-2009, 08:49 PM
What the heck kind of font is that? :0

But seriously I only have craft comments.
- You had a lot of dialog just running with nothing visually described. Do you expect the actors and/or director to figure out what they are doing why they chat? Of course if you are directing it that don't matter so much.
- Action blocks usually describe what is seen in one shot. But you have super heavy blocks that probably be broken up.
- The parentheticals (dialog directions) are supposed to be in parenthesis under the name and on top of the dialog.
- There is a standard font and such that everyone kind of expects. Just grab one of them screenwriting books or ask around, they're easy to pick up, hell I did.

It was a nice tragic tale. Good Job. As you can see my biggest problems are just nitpicky points.

MrKilloran
09-14-2009, 09:25 PM
A good moral dilemma, liked the dark tone of this piece but the technical aspects of your script were far too many to ignore, it became distracting. The potential is there and the ideas are good, just work on your craft.

jmoschner
09-14-2009, 10:39 PM
Like the others said the core is decent, but the formatting is off. I'd suggest downloading something like celtex (free software) to help with formatting.

Troy Ruff
09-14-2009, 11:35 PM
sweet thanks everyone for there comments, I do agree with you all, I am not much of a writer, but I love to direct. And Im trying to get better at the writing. Format I will get better at for sure. Thanks again.

kennethhurd
09-15-2009, 07:07 AM
I liked the way you threw us right into the story and let us figure out what was going on as the story progressed. I was really surprised by the ending. I didn't expect for Kiera to have been bitten as well. Now that I know the ending, I wonder if you could have had some hints throughout the script? Maybe Kiera could have been a bit hesitant to kill Nick, since she believed the same fate would be coming to her as well? I enjoyed the script and I look forward to seeing the film.

Troy Ruff
09-15-2009, 08:29 AM
I liked the way you threw us right into the story and let us figure out what was going on as the story progressed. I was really surprised by the ending. I didn't expect for Kiera to have been bitten as well. Now that I know the ending, I wonder if you could have had some hints throughout the script? Maybe Kiera could have been a bit hesitant to kill Nick, since she believed the same fate would be coming to her as well? I enjoyed the script and I look forward to seeing the film.

Thanks, it is going to be alot of fun. I did think about having Kiera be like you said hesitant. But I think in the end I went with selfishness, by taking the focus off of her to Nick, so is just as afraid. I really appreciate everyones comments. It helps me learn. :)

kennethhurd
09-15-2009, 08:48 AM
Makes sense. Maybe, at the end, she could say something to hammer in her selfishness just before she attacks Jason?

DarkElastic
09-15-2009, 10:32 AM
Hi Troy, I enjoyed the read, thanks.

Agree with the formatting issues above, but as you are making it I am sure you know what you are after. I don't know what was happening right at the end with the window shot, I assume he got a shot off before he died. If that is the case, what about himself? may be one shot, then a couple second later another, so he gets them both and all three end up dead?
I liked the story, the characters and the small world you created. I liked your ending. Overall, a good read and i look forward to seeing it filmed. Well done.

Troy Ruff
09-15-2009, 01:29 PM
Hi Troy, I enjoyed the read, thanks.

Agree with the formatting issues above, but as you are making it I am sure you know what you are after. I don't know what was happening right at the end with the window shot, I assume he got a shot off before he died. If that is the case, what about himself? may be one shot, then a couple second later another, so he gets them both and all three end up dead?
I liked the story, the characters and the small world you created. I liked your ending. Overall, a good read and i look forward to seeing it filmed. Well done.

Thanks, ya the alt. ending would be left for the viewer to decide who is shot, and if Jason did shot Kiera, he has already been bit, so really he is going to die as well. But I like leaving it for the audience. Thanks again for your comments, I learn with every comment.

Captain Pierce
09-16-2009, 06:01 PM
Others have already mentioned the formatting issues; personally, the one I found most jarring was the font size changing. Since nobody's offered any specific advice re: formatting, I just want to hit a couple of things. First, to take the first scene as an example, the correct scene heading would be "INT. DARK CONCRETE ROOM" so you can just go straight into "Rain pouring down outside." (Although, if I'm going to get really specific here, "dark concrete room" and somebody being chained to the wall makes me think basement, and unless they're in a bedroom with an up-to-code exit window, it can be hard to know it's raining outside. Well, unless it's like my basement and gets water in it when it rains too hard, but that's going to be hard to pull off in a six-page script. :D Also, the alternate shot at the end needs a pretty good window to work. Just going with "DARK ROOM" might be better.) Another thing is the parentheticals; if you take this speech:


You guys what’s going on?
(Slowly and faintly) Why am I
chained up? What happened to
me? (Panic slowly rising in his
voice)The proper way to format this would be:


NICK
(Slowly and faintly)
You guys what’s going on?
(Panic slowly rising in his voice)
Why am I chained up? What happened to me?(And please note that I'm only approximating the spacing there; honestly I don't know the proper spacing because I let Movie Magic do that for me. :) ) The other thing I'd say there is that you may be over-using the parentheticals; it's a tendency I have as well, which is why I say "may be," because I don't really know. Finally, I'm going to have to say something about spelling, punctuation, all that sort of thing. I mean, we all miss something here and there (unless we have a really damn good proofreader, which I certainly don't), but you missed two apostrophes in your second line of dialogue alone, and it kind of goes on like that all the way through. I don't really want to play the role of the Grammar Police (that's Alex Whitmer's job, and where the heck is he anyway?), but I do feel that if someone is going to call him/herself a scriptwriter, I think he/she has a certain responsibility to follow the rules of the language.

I would say the alternate ending (nice of you to upload the special edition DVD version :D ) really needs two gunshots; if Jason has the cojones to shoot his brother and his girlfriend because they're zombies, I have to think that he's not going to let himself become one either at that point.

But, as has been said, this script really does a good job of dropping us into the middle of the action and giving us just the information we need as it goes along. I definitely enjoyed it on that level, so I don't want you to think that I hated it.

One final question for you: is Kiera acting out of selfishness, or does she just not know? I don't think either is better, necessarily, but if it's supposed to be selfishness, is there a way to drop a hint about that?

Troy Ruff
09-16-2009, 11:02 PM
wow didnt realize how messed up the formatting was. I didnt submit the right one. I originally wrote this script in final draft then copy and paste it in to celtx, then instantly saved as PDF without looking at the format.It was so messed up like everyone has said. I didnt do it on purpose. Its all fixed now. Sorry everyone, I submitted the wrong one. :( well I hope you can all get past the formatting. Thank for all your comments thou. :)

Troy Ruff
09-16-2009, 11:14 PM
Others have already mentioned the formatting issues; personally, the one I found most jarring was the font size changing. Since nobody's offered any specific advice re: formatting, I just want to hit a couple of things. First, to take the first scene as an example, the correct scene heading would be "INT. DARK CONCRETE ROOM" so you can just go straight into "Rain pouring down outside." (Although, if I'm going to get really specific here, "dark concrete room" and somebody being chained to the wall makes me think basement, and unless they're in a bedroom with an up-to-code exit window, it can be hard to know it's raining outside. Well, unless it's like my basement and gets water in it when it rains too hard, but that's going to be hard to pull off in a six-page script. :D Also, the alternate shot at the end needs a pretty good window to work. Just going with "DARK ROOM" might be better.) Another thing is the parentheticals; if you take this speech:

The proper way to format this would be:


NICK
(Slowly and faintly)
You guys what’s going on?
(Panic slowly rising in his voice)
Why am I chained up? What happened to me?(And please note that I'm only approximating the spacing there; honestly I don't know the proper spacing because I let Movie Magic do that for me. :) ) The other thing I'd say there is that you may be over-using the parentheticals; it's a tendency I have as well, which is why I say "may be," because I don't really know. Finally, I'm going to have to say something about spelling, punctuation, all that sort of thing. I mean, we all miss something here and there (unless we have a really damn good proofreader, which I certainly don't), but you missed two apostrophes in your second line of dialogue alone, and it kind of goes on like that all the way through. I don't really want to play the role of the Grammar Police (that's Alex Whitmer's job, and where the heck is he anyway?), but I do feel that if someone is going to call him/herself a scriptwriter, I think he/she has a certain responsibility to follow the rules of the language.

I would say the alternate ending (nice of you to upload the special edition DVD version :D ) really needs two gunshots; if Jason has the cojones to shoot his brother and his girlfriend because they're zombies, I have to think that he's not going to let himself become one either at that point.

But, as has been said, this script really does a good job of dropping us into the middle of the action and giving us just the information we need as it goes along. I definitely enjoyed it on that level, so I don't want you to think that I hated it.

One final question for you: is Kiera acting out of selfishness, or does she just not know? I don't think either is better, necessarily, but if it's supposed to be selfishness, is there a way to drop a hint about that?


Fantastic, wow thanks for your insight. Like I said on my new post, I did miss up on the format, that I didn't do on purpose. But I do like the idea of having two gun shots if I decide to do that. And to answer your question. She is being selfish, so I have been thinking how I can give a hit to it, we will see how this turns out. Man thanks so much for your comments, I really dont concerder myself a writer, I direct mostly or DP. Im just trying to write more and this is my first script fest. So Im learning alot. I didn't thing that punctuation's were a big deal, but now I know. Again thanks again. :)

DarkElastic
09-17-2009, 04:23 AM
Punctuation has to be important, as many mistakes will pull you out of the story and spoil the experience.

Troy Ruff
09-17-2009, 08:22 AM
Punctuation has to be important, as many mistakes will pull you out of the story and spoil the experience.

ya Im realizing that now, dang it. thanks for the wisdom, i need it in this area. :)

DarkElastic
09-17-2009, 08:51 AM
Finding a proof reader that is good at spotting gramatic errors is every writer's dream. Getting someone who is willing to read my early drafts would be the first step...

Captain Pierce
09-17-2009, 03:41 PM
The last time I made it into a ScriptFest (which was probably 2), somebody else had some Celtx-related formatting issues. Sounds like a nice enough little program, but I think when it goes to .pdf it can go a little crazy. :) This tends to be a friendly fest, not disqualifying an entry for some formatting issues (or even for going over the page limit), so it's not a huge thing; I think people here really are just trying to help when they mention stuff like formatting and punctuation.

Troy Ruff
09-17-2009, 04:51 PM
The last time I made it into a ScriptFest (which was probably 2), somebody else had some Celtx-related formatting issues. Sounds like a nice enough little program, but I think when it goes to .pdf it can go a little crazy. :) This tends to be a friendly fest, not disqualifying an entry for some formatting issues (or even for going over the page limit), so it's not a huge thing; I think people here really are just trying to help when they mention stuff like formatting and punctuation.

ya when I opened up the PDF that I submitted i saw that Celtx really missed up my format. All well no biggie I do appreciate the corrections thou. I hope people can look past that and really look at the story and environment that I have created. :) I hope you all will enjoy it. Just wait till you see the film. :)

Charli
09-25-2009, 04:38 PM
Technical - okay, many have chimed in on your formatting issues. I would also like to state that your action paragraphs should be no longer than four lines long.

... begins screaming in fear... begins to cry... - stated stronger: he screams in fear, she cries.

...changes into a zombielike creature... - well, is he a zombie, a creature, a living Dead? Specify in your story your opponent.

... look at each other in sad dismay.... - action paragraphs have to make me feel what the characters are feeling instead of telling me put me in that I can feel their pain.


Content - you have a zombie-like creature and what appears to be a vampire? I know the guy doesn't want to kill his brother but I cannot feel his dilemma.

Once you format at correctly it might read a little bit easier.

Troy Ruff
10-02-2009, 05:38 PM
wow ok, thanks for the feedback, its fun learning the correct way of doing things. I love this site. People are so helpful, this is my first script fest and I have learned so much. Thanks again :) I hope you liked it at least or was some what entertained.



Technical - okay, many have chimed in on your formatting issues. I would also like to state that your action paragraphs should be no longer than four lines long.

... begins screaming in fear... begins to cry... - stated stronger: he screams in fear, she cries.

...changes into a zombielike creature... - well, is he a zombie, a creature, a living Dead? Specify in your story your opponent.

... look at each other in sad dismay.... - action paragraphs have to make me feel what the characters are feeling instead of telling me put me in that I can feel their pain.


Content - you have a zombie-like creature and what appears to be a vampire? I know the guy doesn't want to kill his brother but I cannot feel his dilemma.

Once you format at correctly it might read a little bit easier.

Chris_Keaton
10-27-2009, 07:14 PM
Wow, is it me or is the spam getting more creative.