Brr

[Rustom Irani]

Title: Brr

Logline: Two men in an ice fishing cabin snag a catch worthy of the National Enquirer. Provided they live to relay the news.

Wrote this in the last few hours. So wanted to do a Western/Monster theme, but this idea kept nagging me and I had to type it out.

All the best everyone!

[arroway]

My arch nemesis, I knew it would not be long before we met on the field again...

Seriously though, this sounds interesting. I wrote a similar short story when I was a kid and I am eager to see how you went about it. I usually just read the the entrants from top to bottom but I'll probably give in to temptation and read this first.

:beer:

[Rustom Irani]

My arch nemesis, I knew it would not be long before we met on the field again...

Seriously though, this sounds interesting. I wrote a similar short story when I was a kid and I am eager to see how you went about it. I usually just read the the entrants from top to bottom but I'll probably give in to temptation and read this first.

:beer:

Cool! Join the queue. I can take you and your henchtoadies with one hand tied behind a nail studded baseball bat with a nuclear warhead.


As a kid? Ooh! I didn't even write on the school bathroom wall when I was kid. Wisenheimer!

:dankk2:

[USLatin]

Subscribing! Can't wait to see it. :)

[Rustom Irani]

Subscribing! Can't wait to see it. :)

My first subscription. Uh oh! Hope it's worth your while.

[bwind22]

Ha! Nice avatar Rusty!

I don't think this script will disappoint those of you that are anxiously awaiting it. Totally original and bizarre in the best kind of way. (Yes, I got the sneak preview! Muhawahahaha!)

[Rustom Irani]

Ha! Nice avatar Rusty!

I don't think this script will disappoint those of you that are anxiously awaiting it. Totally original and bizarre in the best kind of way. (Yes, I got the sneak preview! Muhawahahaha!)

Yeah! The Avatar is my website logo! I gotta copyright it! :)

As for the sneak preview, I didn't know anyone who appreciates the genre like you do. It's very tough to find a critical eye for genres that deviate from the norm.

[Chris_Keaton]

Yeah! The Avatar is my website logo! I gotta copyright it! :)

As for the sneak preview, I didn't know anyone who appreciates the genre like you do. It's very tough to find a critical eye for genres that deviate from the norm.

Are you sure you don't know anyone more deviant?

[Rustom Irani]

Are you sure you don't know anyone more deviant?

Fellow competing deviants don't count. :)

But honestly, Brian is like a connoisseur of the Horror genre. He's the Anton Ego of that "Ratatouille":Drogar-Evil(DBG):

[Chris_Keaton]

I have no idea what gave birth to those things, but holy hell that crazy. A lot of awesome visuals. Like me, I guess you were shooting for a script that wouldn't be shot for the MonsterFest. Good job.

[Rustom Irani]

I have no idea what gave birth to those things, but holy hell that crazy. A lot of awesome visuals. Like me, I guess you were shooting for a script that wouldn't be shot for the MonsterFest. Good job.

Even though this is only my second DVXuser contest as a writer, you spoil me Chris. I might judge my progress compared to your review size. :grin:

As for being produced, heck write it out! You never really know! Young 'uns in filmmaking are getting smarter day by day. At 29 I feel geriatric compared to tweens who conjure magic with cameras.

[REHov520]

Some very cool visuals in this. I particularly loved the opening shot. Your writing style is sometimes too vague for me... for example I was confused at first as to whether to lady's hand was coming out of the water and grasping onto the fish, or actually a part of the fish itself. Also I didn't really buy the dialogue between the two fishermen after they've found all the mutant fish... it seems to me like they're being too humorous about the situation and aren't shocked / horrified enough. I liked the last shot though and the idea that the mutants in the lake are going to be an ongoing, cyclical type of thing.

[kennethhurd]

Excellent script! The pacing was nice and the ending really paid off.

[DarkElastic]

Hi Rustom, thanks for the read.

I liked this, it was strange as hell, but very entertaining. I agree with above, some of the descriptions could do with some more work to make them better understood. But I didn't find a problem with the dialogue, I thought the blase way the fishermen took everything was very funny.

Overall, a great, fun read. Well done.

[MrKilloran]

Good visuals, kind of crazy, I liked it's very strange nature.

[arroway]

His flannel coat adds bulk to his scrawny beer fueled body.

Nice.


FERGUS
Could be those college kids rutting
in the lake during trekkin’ season?

lol


HOWIE
You’re alive ain’t ya? If you had a
camera you’d be alive and famous
rich?

I don't what word is missing from this but I think there is one...



Howie and Fergus eat beans from a plate.
Click.
Howie pauses. Fergus continues to eat.
Click. Click.

nice


Howie motions to Fergus. Sushes him. Points to the fishing
reel.

"Shushes"


FERGUS
If it’s a dick I’m gonna puke.

lol

Possibly reply: "Wouldn't be the first time a dick's made you puke..."

(sorry)



HOWIE
Fuck me! Is that a tumor?

FERGUS
Tumor my ass. It’s a tit.

lol

these two lines have great cadence.



HOWIE
It was sucking on that tit.

FERGUS
The tit’s dead! The worst it
could’ve done is squirt me.


lol



Howard scrambles ashore towards a parked truck. Tries the
door.

Should be "Howie", right?


Howie jolts back. Notices she can’t leave the water, as she trashes about.

"Thrashes"


CRUNCH. Howie turns towards the woods. A Huge grizzly, rears
itself on its hind legs.
A HAIRY MAN’s torso grows out its side.
HOWIE
Damn college kids!
INT. FROZEN LAKE - UNDERWATER - DAY
Howie’s severed head floats in the greenish blue water. A
fishing line snags it.
FADE OUT.

Brilliant! Best ending I've read yet! Way to end on a bang!

I thought this was diabolically strange (in a good way) and I love the title and ending. The one thing I'd work on is some of the descriptions when they pull up the first fish. I had a difficult time trying to figure out what was initially going on and it took a few re-reads before I really got it.

Good job!

[Rustom Irani]

HOWIE
You’re alive ain’t ya? If you had a
camera you’d be alive and famous
rich?
I don't what word is missing from this but I think there is one...Not a word, it's the damn question mark at the end of the second sentence. It's not a question. :P

Good catch on the Howard = Howie and thrashes/shushes. D'oh!

Phew! Glad the writing elicited those LOLs, man.

This was intended as such and so were the characters. Not calculating, smart guys assessing the situation to take action. But rather, inebriated morons out for the next quick buck to buy more beer and instant gratification, sexual or otherwise.

Glad you liked the ending! Thanks!

[Michael Carter]

Man, I enjoyed that!

I too was thrown at the beginning - I'd suggest there's the blur of the trout being yanked into the guy's face, the plop of it hitting the ice while the drunks are yelling - then sudden silence/shock on their faces for a beat, their eyes getting BIG... "we pan along the fish, gasping its last breaths... and see that instead of a tail, its body ends in a human wrist and hand..." (or whatever)

If I were directing this, I'd make the guys seriously drunk - ever see Foster Brooks? Go to YouTube and google that name. I'm picturing him ice fishing now...

[Rustom Irani]

On of 'em could be Foster Brooks, Michael. The other could be Oliver Platt from "The Ice Harvest" a great inebriated performance. :)

Glad you enjoyed the story!

[Michael Carter]

Yeah, the "ice fishing harvest"... cool!

[Captain Pierce]

Freaky. :shocked: I'm pretty sure I mean that as a compliment... :)

With regards to the "scrawny beer fueled body..." if my own is any indication, beer fueled bodies tend to be the opposite of scrawny. :D Other than that, I'm pretty sure I know those guys...

[Rustom Irani]

if my own is any indication, beer fueled bodies tend to be the opposite of scrawny.

I meant that as a compliment to all beer fueled bodies everywhere. :)

Honestly, my inspiration were Val and Earl from "Tremors" only more dumb and much more wise-assy.

[Tim Joy]

It was gross and fun! I liked how you wrote a sound, then described where the sound came from. I'll have to use that in my own writing in the future. :)

I thought the writing was very tight, almost too tight in spots. (Is that even possible?) It caused me to go back and re-read a couple lines to figure out what was happening. I don't have specifics right now, but maybe I'll look it over again.

Nice visuals all around.

My only question, and I don't intend to be mean, but what was the point? Why do these fish have body parts on them? I didn't see any indication in the script, other than the 'damn college kids'. This quibble doesn't have anything to do with the quality of the writing, which was very good.

[Rustom Irani]

Tim,

I'd love to answer your question about the origin of the creatures. There are clues in the dialogue which includes the theory of fornicating hormonally charged teens. :)

No offense taken, man! I know you don't intend to sound mean. The thing is, even a script with good writing hasn't served its purpose if the plot elements aren't clear enough.

I'd to weigh my options and stuck with what makes a true creature/monster film in my book.

I believe Vampires, Werewolves, Zombies are now a complete sub-genre on their own within the horror category.

Sci-fi creatures, gigantic monsters, furry, rabid, diseased animals and psychotic guppies take up room in my monster menagerie.

Therefore, I think monster = camp, the less explanation or the more ridiculous explanation given, the better.

"Tremors" inspired this, sort of. No one explained in the first one where the "Graboids" came from. One day, they're just there. Sure, you have clues, with construction work on the roads having awakened them, earthquakes etc. But never given an origin.

Or give a clue to their origin. "Jaws", "Critters", "King Kong", "Piranha" etc.

Works either way.

Vampires, zombies, werewolves... now there are too many experts on the subject, and you need to give a moderate amount of explanation if you experiment with these creatures and re-interpret their utilization in a script that might come across as original.

Which is getting harder to do everyday.

I'm old school campy, man. What can I say? :)

[Charli]

Technical - state your location first after FADE IN. Where are we? We are in a pond of bluish liquid gooh, so that's your location, not the baby's face, that's your close-up.

All cap BABY'S FACE since the emphasis is on the face not the body of the baby.

"inhuman" - you've already showed me it's inhuman, no need to tell me.

"... scrawny beer fueled body, skin magazine, mouth agape..." - trying too hard.

They're in an ice fishing cabin but I don't 'feel' the location.

"...fish flops lazily..." - wouldn't it be more 'frantically?"

CLICK sounds unnecessary to show someone making a noise against plate when they eat. Almost cartoonish.

Content:

I liked Fergus throwing Howie under the bus - that was funny.

The addition of the grizzly at the end took away from the fish lady. I would like her to have a name better than fish lady, something more creative.

The two males are believable, good job there. I would have liked the story to be told in a simplier way and get a feel for the environment.

Good job.

[Rustom Irani]

Technical - state your location first after FADE IN. Where are we? We are in a pond of bluish liquid gooh, so that's your location, not the baby's face, that's your close-up.

Ah yes! That would be,

INT. UNDERWATER - FETAL SAC? NOPE. GOTCHA! FROZEN LAKE - DAY


All cap BABY'S FACE since the emphasis is on the face not the body of the baby.

Good call!


"inhuman" - you've already showed me it's inhuman, no need to tell me.

The baby's human enough, the eyes scare me. I just wanted to make sure no one thought the baby was hip enough to be sporting underwater contacts to cover the whites of its eyes.


"... scrawny beer fueled body, skin magazine, mouth agape..." - trying too hard.

You bet! Should have stuck with stupid drunk and horny drunk. The Drunk bros.


They're in an ice fishing cabin but I don't 'feel' the location.

I knew it! Great catch. Next time I won't sit next to an open refrigerator while I type.


"...fish flops lazily..." - wouldn't it be more 'frantically?"

Once! I had to carry a cumbersome backpack and flopped over. That thing weighed me down even though I wanted to be frantic. I thought if I had an arm almost the size of my body I couldn't afford to be that frantic.

I'm lazy, so why should that darn fish be athletic and frantically flop about.

Damn! Workout trout!


CLICK sounds unnecessary to show someone making a noise against plate when they eat. Almost cartoonish.

No! No! No! The remote! The remote! They have one of those tiny B/W TV sets which I'll write into the next draft.

Content:


I liked Fergus throwing Howie under the bus - that was funny.

Did you think the expression of the schoolkids inside the bus was overkill?


The addition of the grizzly at the end took away from the fish lady. I would like her to have a name better than fish lady, something more creative.

Okay. I will give her a creative name like Evil Ariel but no way am I gonna change the name of Titfish. She's big in porn and has powerful legal friends.


The two males are believable, good job there. I would have liked the story to be told in a simplier way and get a feel for the environment.

Good job.

I tried to utilasize a simplier technique. Now I look forward to the re-write!

I apologize with tongue firmly in cheek, Charli. :grin:

I do totally understand that not many people are going to get a particular writing style or plot elements.

Thanks!