One For The Road

[seansshack]

One For The Road: A stranger enters a bar in search of help for his family who are stranded in a furious snowstorm and learns the weather could be the least of their problems.

One For The Road



http://fangedlove.files.wordpress.com/2009/08/vampires_4.jpg




Based on the Stephen King Short story from Night Shift and used with full permission from the Author.

[Chris_Keaton]

We are all familiar with the dollar baby :)

[Tim Joy]

We are all familiar with the dollar baby :)

...I'm not.



That's cool that you got permission to use the story as a basis. Any feedback on your script from the King?

[seansshack]

No feedback (as yet) as I decided to expand it to a feature. So a lot of work yet.

Just reading over and getting ready to upload.

[Chris_Keaton]

No feedback (as yet) as I decided to expand it to a feature. So a lot of work yet.

Just reading over and getting ready to upload.

He'll actually give you feedback?

[seansshack]

I wish....day dreaming at the prospect.

Perhaps if it was in the can and filmed, but doubt he would read a script over.

and uploaded.....

Let the games begin.

[Rustom Irani]

That is a great little story Seansshack! One of his best!

Salem's Lot has a few spinoffs and even shows up in the Dark Tower, I think!

[seansshack]

Cheers.

I've gave it my best, so I hope I do it and the King justice.

[arroway]

I've read all his anthologies many times over and I am appalled that I can't recall what this one was about...looks like I'll be reading your adaptation fresh!

[seansshack]

:) - hope you enjoy it.

[seansshack]

Apologies to anyone trying to read my script. My link seems to be down and the guys appear to be working on it.

Hopefully it will be up later.

[mookid]

I haven't read the original story so I don't know how much of this script is King's and how much of it is yours. But the sophistication is very high, compared to all the other entries in this contest.
It is actually so high that I am not worthy to comment on it since I can hardly figure out myself how these words and sentences were formed into such strong mental images. Definitely worth keeping and studying. Would be an epic short film.

[Chris_Keaton]

Feels like you were rushed a bit. I would, if you kept it at six pages, dump the V.O. we don't need the history, just play the scene we'll keep up. I'd also examine the dialog some of it just sounded strange. I imagine this is because you had cut other stuff out to fit, at least that's what I'm guessing. Good job.

[DarkElastic]

Hi Sean, I enjoyed yours and King's story, thanks.

I suppose that will work against you using someone else's story to adapt to your own script, especially someone as well known all over the world as King is.
I liked it though. Obviously a big story cramped down to 6 pages, but it had everything you need to be good, interesting characters, a man fighting for his family and monsters, or vampire in this case.

Overall a good read, well done and I look forward to seeing your full adaptation of it.

[RodThompson]

FYI...I put down the short story no more than a minute ago, and SALEM'S LOT is my penultimate favorite book ever. So...before I give you a review...KNOW THIS!


EDIT FOR REVIEW:

Well...it was the same story. In some cases the same exact words that King wrote. Can't hate ya for doing a spot on adaptation!

[MrKilloran]

It's dark, cold, and extremely good. A wonderful adaptation.


Booth pulls the crucifix out of my shirt and shows him. Action randomly became first person, I knew what was meant but just thought I'd let you know its there.

I would lose the opening and closing voice-over though. A possibility in the closing is:
a shot of the rear-view mirror or out the back window of the little girl, standing in the road, watching, waiting, and holding out her arms before the snow hides her from the audience's view.

Looking forward to more.

[seansshack]

Feels like you were rushed a bit. Not in the slightest. I was adapting this story and figured it would be a good writing exercise to tell the tale in less space. Pumped in 8 hours
into this draft. I've written feature drafts in that time (not great ones though lol!)



I'd also examine the dialog some of it just sounded strange.Could you point this out as I've been so close to this piece, I'm starting to think in a New England voice.





I suppose that will work against you using someone else's story to adapt to your own scriptI was thinking of submitting my own story instead, as you don't get the same thrill when people review your work that is based on someone else's story/
But since it was a monster fest, I figured he's the King of horror (pun fully intended), and it would be good practice to cut a story down to it's
core. Lose all that is not needed. Try and tell a killer tale in six minutes that has it all, drama, loss, horror, ticking clock, hero's, villains. The works and make it work.

I didn't think this could be told in less than 15 pages. I knocked my own socks off getting it to six as I always tended to overwrite in some cases
before. So this has helped me learn a lot about writing, use of words and overall story telling.

My goal in this was two fold. Be faithful to this wonderful tale. Tightened it down without losing the essence. I'm delighted I managed both.




Well...it was the same story. In some cases the same exact words that King wrote. Can't hate ya for doing a spot on adaptation!Thanks I'll take this as a compliment as this was my goal (as mentioned). It was have been silly to adapt it and change it till I broke it.
What I've learned is Mr. King is a much better writer than I gave him credit for and I've always seen him as best story teller I have ever read.
When you break down one of his stories and study it to it's core. Every line, every character, every beat, every plot point - it sends chills
and I'm not blowing smoke. I've learned more about the art of writing from just attempting to adapt this story. If I failed in adapting it 100%
I would have been gutted. So thank you means a lot.



It's dark, cold, and extremely good. A wonderful adaptation.Thank you. You've made this writer very happy ;-)

Damn a typo 'me' that's what comes from typing as you listen to the audio story I guess (as tale is told in first person) lol!

I included the voice over as I just love the line/warning of the little girl and it opened up so many possibilities in my head. Who is Booth
telling the story to and why??? Just dipped into my imagination more.



I haven't read the original story so I don't know how much of this script is King's and how much of it is yours. But the sophistication is very high, compared to all the other entries in this contest.
It is actually so high that I am not worthy to comment on it since I can hardly figure out myself how these words and sentences were formed into such strong mental images. Definitely worth keeping and studying. Would be an epic short film.Wow. I'm extremely humbled. Thank you for the wonderful comments. This is Stephen King's story first and foremost. To alter beyond what he created would
have done a wonderful tale a massive injustice. Some words are mine, some are his. The story is everyones.......


Presently adapting this into a feature length script. Onwards and upwards.

Thanks to all.

[DarkElastic]

I didn't think this could be told in less than 15 pages. I knocked my own socks off getting it to six as I always tended to overwrite in some cases
before. So this has helped me learn a lot about writing, use of words and overall story telling.

That's what these Fests are all about. :beer:

[Chris_Keaton]

Not in the slightest. I was adapting this story and figured it would be a good writing exercise to tell the tale in less space. Pumped in 8 hours
into this draft. I've written feature drafts in that time (not great ones though lol!)


Could you point this out as I've been so close to this piece, I'm starting to think in a New England voice.

I dug through my closet and found the original and reallize the dialog was prety spot on and frankly everything else was.

Is that a good thing? Maybe. King's stories are notoriously under performing when it comes to the screen. Why?

I'm on the fence on direct adaptations versus some modification. But more often than not a direct adaptation doesn't appeal to me as much as an adaption that modifies a story to fit the screen more perfectly. The pacing and feel of a visual piece isn't often repeated on the screen by simply reformating the short story to a screenplay format. The audience is in a different environment, mood, and mindset. There of course are other considerations like the imediate punch needed in the for 10 min of a feature and 1-2 minutes of short. And when all is said and done there still needs to be a three act structure of some sort or another. Now I'm not saying this all about your piece, but about adaptations in general. This is why I always laugh when people say adaptations must be easy. Once they try one their tune changes.

[seansshack]

Far from easy as you're adapting from one medium to another. Actually I'll rephrase that. It's easy to get it wrong.

Direct adaptations are fine if the original is a strong piece without flaws. But if it's not, theres little point in adapting that which didn't work well in the first place.

[DarkElastic]

I still think The War of the Worlds should be adapted closer to the novel!

[seansshack]

I agree. You have hits and misses for various reasons. Some for sticking too close, others for missing the essence of the original in the first place. More often than not they fail because the person adapting goes it alone or doesn't study the original story beyond what was on the page and analyzed what the author set out to write in the first place.

You can both over and under adapt any story. Even the ones in your own head.

[DarkElastic]

Exactly, you have to have respect and knowledge of the piece you are adapting. Perfect examples; Kubrick's The Shining and Jackson's The Lord of the Rings Trilogy. Especially Jackson, who loves Tolken's books.

[seansshack]

Fine examples. Gotta love the original, otherwise the lack of passion will bubble to the surface.

[arroway]

He is covered in snow up to his shoulders and in his hair.

This sentence reads a little awkward to me.


Booth looks at Tookey and they share a look of concern.

Redundant.


Lumley doesn’t look around, but just walks to her.

Awkward.



I really don't know how to critique or rate this. Having not read the short story in a long time I have no frame of reference for what you've added in or left out. I will try to find my copy, read it, and update this post.

[kennethhurd]

I haven't read Stephen King's short story, so I'm not familiar with this. I have read Salem's Lot though, and I felt that you captured the atmosphere that Stephen King created in that story. The pacing was good and I was interested to see what happens next. I didn't care much for the opening voice over, but I did like the voice over at the end. Good job on the script.

[seansshack]

Cheers I wanted to you the voice over in some form as the original tale was narrated and opened up questions for me like: who was Booth telling the story to and why?

Thanks for the read.

[Rustom Irani]

I don't know where to begin as far as critiquing this is concerned because I'm a huge King fan and feel that you being one too have taken certain things for granted when it comes to adapting the story to script.

Not everyone in your audience has read the story or is a Stephen King fan.

This is my main concern. In this regard and critiquing it from that point of view the script comes out very bare-bones and hollow.

How?

Well, take the first scene.

Are there any other people in the bar? Do you mention they are alone? Only people who've read the story know so.

You don't tell us whether Lumley met with an accident, ran out of gas, or had a flat. He is here stuttering about his wife and kid in the car.

If Booth walks to the phone, picks it up and looks at it, how would he know it's dead without putting it to his ear?


Tookey leaves to get his Scout out of the garage.

We wouldn't know what he's left to do. Just Tookey exits, would work.

These inconsistencies again stem from assumptions about the audience probably being familiar to the story.

The basic mantra of screenplays where one should only write what one sees and hears on the screen is therefore lacking here.

The basis of the story was its pacing and you have achieved this aspect in the scene when they arrive at the Mercedes. This portion works the best in terms of dramatic tension and exposition that is to the point and clearly established.

While I like the ending descriptions the V.O. doesn't have that impact because the transition from the moment he slams the car door to it driving seems awkward.

This honestly should be lengthened, the idea needs to be paced out, backstory elaborated and characters need dramatic breathing space.

Give them so!

All the best.

[seansshack]

Taken things for granted? um how so? Being a fan of the story or Mr. King had little bearing on this script or story as it stands in this 6 page version. You seem to have focused more on what was missing that what was in it. Anything lacking in this story may well just be down to the fact that it does need more room, but works as well as possible in 6 pages (without dumping scenes and characters).

When first I tackled this it was a straight 15 page script. Then I figured there was little point adapting it without building on it. So it became a 45 page script based on the events that came after. Everyone loved this but I had a script to short to be a movie, to long for a short. Hence fleshed it out into a 100 page script.

This six page script is just for this fest.

[Rustom Irani]

Taken things for granted? um how so? Being a fan of the story or Mr. King had little bearing on this script or story as it stands in this 6 page version.

I mention the first scene as an example of this. You mention a bar in your slug. Are there any other people? Can this be a bar anywhere?

When Lumley first speaks he doesn't ask for help. He mentions a wife and kid. Yet, you never hint at what went wrong and why he's here. You tell us he's here.

Therefore, if I read this it leaves me with a lot of questions. Questions perhaps that leave me not feeling any empathy for the characters.


You seem to have focused more on what was missing that what was in it. Anything lacking in this story may well just be down to the fact that it does need more room, but works as well as possible in 6 pages (without dumping scenes and characters).

See, it doesn't work that well for 6 pages. That is my point. The characters don't get time before they decide to help Lumley. The urgency in the car ride on the way to the Mercedes is curt and doesn't do much dramatically.

Describe the surroundings and sounds around the Mercedes. The highway, the unploughed roads. This enhances the isolation and gives it atmosphere.

If I'm an audience, regardless of whether or not I've read the story I want more in terms of setting and time frame.

This is just a personal opinion, man. You have the skills. Feels slightly compromised when they are utilized to fit 6 pages.

[Captain Pierce]

Unless I missed something in SF3 or 4, where I couldn't find time to read the scripts (or indeed even to write one of my own), this is the first ScriptFest adaption of something that's still copyrighted (I seem to recall a public domain Twilight Zone adaptation or 2 in SF2). As such, I think maybe a little background on how you came to convince Mr. King to allow you to adapt this might be in order. I'm not doubting that you have permission to do so, but it doesn't seem that you contacted him specifically in relation to this fest, so I'm just curious as to how this whole situation came about.

What I'm finding, though, is that it's almost impossible for me to judge this, because although I don't recall reading this particular story (and quite frankly I may have, back in the day, because I read a shedload of Stephen King back in the 80's), the script reads as (and I don't mean this as an insult) fairly standard Stephen King. And I'm not saying you did anything wrong, but anybody who's read more than about two Stephen King novels should probably be able to see this. Vampires? Check. Surprisingly wise old New England guys? Ayuh. So obviously you've captured the Stephen King vibe, and maybe that's what constitutes a success in this situation.

BTW, Sean, I have to ask you: do you actually know what a "Scout" is? :D Just curious... If you do, I'd have to guess you're doing better than some of the younger folks reading this...

[Chris_Keaton]

It's a dollar baby.

http://www.stephenking.com/dollarbabies.php

[seansshack]

Unless I missed something in SF3 or 4, where I couldn't find time to read the scripts (or indeed even to write one of my own), this is the first ScriptFest adaption of something that's still copyrighted (I seem to recall a public domain Twilight Zone adaptation or 2 in SF2). As such, I think maybe a little background on how you came to convince Mr. King to allow you to adapt this might be in order. I'm not doubting that you have permission to do so, but it doesn't seem that you contacted him specifically in relation to this fest, so I'm just curious as to how this whole situation came about.


As Chris stated (thanks Chris) it's a dollar baby. A now pretty infamous method in which King allows filmmakers to adapt his work into none profit films - can be shown in festivals only.

With Monster Fest I figured it was the perfect "classic" tale of horror that film makers here might want to adapt.


you've captured the Stephen King vibe Thanks. If I didn't or it was lost in translation, this would have been a failure on every level. Why adapt someones work in any shape or form and lose the vibe of who created it in the first place? I've tested the adaptation on numerous King fans and got the same feedback. For me my main goal was to remain true to the original tale (especially on the short form).

I was hoping readers here would judge it as it is, a story. Not care who wrote it or what it was adapted from, to my mind it doesn't matter. We are story tellers, no matter if we came up with the ideas - adapted or written from the ground up. How well is the story told is the key.

I first wrote this a a short film, fleshing out the characters and plot and ended up with around a 40 page short film that fans and none fans of King loved. But left me with a big problem as it was too long for a short (but most people's standards).

So I've finished a 100 page feature and a 15 page short (direct adaptation for short movie use) - both as writing exercises, but in the hope that a short film (at least) could be pitched.

To me, when I read it first, it read as a classic horror tale and contained all the right beats and elements of a great story. I would have liked more room to breathe but I've learned a lot regarding saying more with less words on the page.

[arroway]

I was hoping readers here would judge it as it is, a story. Not care who wrote it or what it was adapted from, to my mind it doesn't matter.To me, it does matter. It's a story by Stephen freaking King! It's presumptuous to think its presence here isn't at least a little awkward. Adaptations can be difficult or even impossible endeavors. Dante's Inferno for instance, would make a terrible movie without some really creative angle in the adaptation process. Having not read THIS story in years I can't say for sure but I would bet that it's no Dante's Inferno in terms of complexity. It would be easier for me to critique your longer form scripts you mentioned as you would no doubt have added enough of your own writing just to get them to those page lengths. With this, I have the sneaking suspicion that nothing was added, only subtracted and I think a much higher level of respect is owed to those who actually tackled a blank page.

In my opinion it shouldn't be here, but that's fine, it already is. I do however think it's impossible to rate fairly without reading the source material and knowing exactly what you subtracted or added. Otherwise, I feel like I would just be critiquing Stephen King which again --- awkward.

[seansshack]

BTW, Sean, I have to ask you: do you actually know what a "Scout" is? :D Just curious... If you do, I'd have to guess you're doing better than some of the younger folks reading this...

No need to rub it in that I'm older than some here....:grin:

A scout is a 4 wheel drive pickup, or as we like I like to call "a big f$%k off car because I so much money it drips out my a$£" - well the four wheel drive jeeps over here are at least lol!

I tried using four wheel drive and then decided to just stick with scout as I figured these people speak their own language and wouldn't bother to translate especially for the big city fool/tourist.

[Charli]

Technical - I felt the setting that it was cold, but the 'phone is always dead' in stories like this. Nothing new there.

Use strong verbs - instead of 'start to run' just state "they run" or use a similie, "they run like hell."

Overall - I found myself displeased that you would use an 'adaptation' for a short film. I believe these exercises are for creative flow and thinking.

Barbra Streisand took a small book, "Yentl" and made a feature film. Good for her.

But here, on dvxuser, for a SIX-PAGE-SHORT, I don't get it, I really don't. We've all been around here for awhile and I think everyone is capable of coming up with an ORIGINAL story.

I want to hear what's in your head, not Stephen King's.

[seansshack]

I've come up with over 100 short scripts in various genres (actually tried em all I think). Even had an original draft ready (barely in time) for this that worked out really well.

I wanted to try an adaptation and picked my favorite writer.

The reason it is here, is I figured it matched the movie fest and one of the film makers would have like a bash at a dollar baby.

After getting repeatedly hit over the head, it appears I was wrong.

I asked permission for the book. Asked permission for the fest and still.......:beer:

[Charli]

Sean - next time, let us know what's in your clever, devious mind of yours, I am sure you will not displease us!

[Captain Pierce]

No need to rub it in that I'm older than some here....:grin:

A scout is a 4 wheel drive pickup, or as we like I like to call "a big f$%k off car because I so much money it drips out my a$£" - well the four wheel drive jeeps over here are at least lol!

I tried using four wheel drive and then decided to just stick with scout as I figured these people speak their own language and wouldn't bother to translate especially for the big city fool/tourist.

No ageism intended, just wasn't sure if those had been sold on that side of the pond. :)

[seansshack]

No this far east lol!